The Lard Arms

She-Wolf

Shakira in her She-Wolf outfit

The only reason I have posted the very foxy Shakira here is because her video (of her song, She-Wolf) was playing at the gym, while I was on the treadmill.  I've was really struck by the images and the fact that none of the women around me bore any resemblance to the South American chanteuse.  And yes, I was feeling particularly bloated and uncomfortable myself but after Shauna's stern words, I will NOT use this post to be negative! : )

Anyway, here is the Potatoes not Prozac update.  There have been definite improvements in my mood.  Not all the time but distinct, significant improvements.  And I'm not even done with Step 1 yet!  There is a bit of chicken and egg going on right now; I've changed a few things in my life so not sure where the improvements originate.  

Food-wise, I've been doing Step 1 very slowly - Eat Breakfast with Protein Every Day .  Step 1 has four individual parts:

• (Eat) enough protein for your weight
• (Include) a complex carbohydrate
• Eat within one hour of getting up
• (Follow it) every day

As a vegetarian, it's a greater challenge to get the required amount of protein (30g for me right now) - without going fat-tastic - NOT impossible, just more challenging.  And getting on top of the food (organisation), is a skill I really have to master - not just for now but forever.  I decided to go back to my own methods of old - protein shakes.  I use Holland & Barratt's own-label protein powder, mixed up with skimmed (dairy) milk and a banana.  I find this sustains me for hours.  Where this breakfast falls down is that it doesn't include a complex carbohydrate so I need to address that.

The eating within one hour has been non-negotiable.  I have stuck to that rigidly, even if it has required getting up at 5am to factor it in.  There was just one day - yesterday - when I didn't follow it.  I had several biscuits (ginger nuts, in case you wondered) and toast.  In fact, my food yesterday was an example of how my organisational skills can let me down, and I had had just four hours sleep.  I had prepared a packed lunch (salad, protein, some carbs - pitta bread) but I was running so late that I had to leave the lunch at home. While out, I had a Geo bar (horrible!), sandwiches, crisps, copious amounts of tea and a Coke Zero.  I had the salad when I got back, pasta for supper and well, you can see it had a theme - the carbathon day.

Of late, I have been ditching any cola drinks.  I have been avoiding sandwiches while out (but still tucking the toast away rather too often at home).

I am NOT doing this programme to lose weight - that was NOT the primary objective.  It was to really see if the food could improve my mood.  I am convinced, well, I am very, very, very hopeful that the weight loss will come.  The downside is that I have put on a lot of weight.  But I really cannot lay the blame at the door of the programme - that would be totally unfair.  I've swapped chicken (low-fat protein source) for cheese.  Not good.  And not advocated by Dr DesMaisons. I've also been on some hardcore medication.  Even though I have been going to the gym, work commitments have meant that I haven't been able to go as often or for as long as I liked.  I am not calorie counting and one major factor remains - extreme tiredness.  When I am tired, I eat more.

Last week I had a breakthrough; I was in unfamiliar (and trigger-tastic) surroundings, I'd had my breakfast and organised having my protein lunch on hand, whenever I was ready to eat it (out all day).  I was in a canteen in that difficult (for me) in between period - breakfast is done but it's too early for lunch.  I lingered over a display of every snack imaginable - chocolate, biscuits, health bars, pastries, crisps - canteen fare - but do you know what?  I figured, I am not hungry, I don't need to eat. So I bought a cup of tea.

The reason it was such a breakthrough was that it was a decision made without restriction - I'm not on a diet per se, I am not restricting my food intake - there was no internal argument to be had.  I wish I could say that such clear thinking lasted all week but it didn't.  BUT that would be to miss the point of the Potatoes not Prozac programme; it's all about mastery, one baby step at a time.  

What I have seen is that if tiredness is not in the mix and I'm on top of my protein, the food chaos is really not as extreme.

PS one vegetarian/vegan protein source that is really working for me - smaller volume - is a Trek bar

The Gym

So, Legs, Bums and Tums put me out of action for a few days but I got back to the gym on Friday.  I thought, naively, that I would want to go back.  After all, I felt excited about the classes...

Well, the resistance returned with avengence.  I was all set to go back to Body Pump but what with one thing and another, I didn't fancy cycling there in the rain.  Pathetic.  So I went later in the evening with my husband, which meant no class and gym only ie pure cardio.   It was back to day one - resistance (to working out) and petulance. I had also had a particularly tricky call to handle (which had taken me by surprise) earlier in the day and I was in an agitated state all afternoon.  That seemed to make me want to NOT go to the gym.  How crazy is that?

But we went.  The effort was pretty paltry, I have to say.  I also felt extremely bloated so did not wear my sweat minimiser top but opted for my husband's biggest t-shirt.  In black.   Hmmmm.  These are warning signs.

I went back yesterday - gym only - and managed to stay on the machines for the whole visit.  The audio visual equipment has been changed so now, if you want to watch TV, you can bring your own headphones BUT to be able to hear, you have to pedal/work.  If you stop, the TV sound stops.  How's that for motivation?

The only thing that kept me going yesterday was a programme with Nadia Sawalha who was cooking for Michel Roux in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Florence.  I've since found out it was called Eating in the Sun and you can watch it on iPlayer.  This can't be right, can it?  Captivated by food on screen while pedalling away?  My husband watches more food programmes than me but I must admit, even the vision of a pigeon being hand plucked and cooked, did not put me off.  It provided the perfect antidote and made the minutes pass faster.

In the meantime, I said to my husband, "maybe, I'll never want to go to the gym and I have to accept that and work with it"?  "Errr, yes", he replied.  

Potatoes not Prozac - Step 1 (ii)

Wow!  I was away for an all-day training session and came back to fantastic comments and questions (which always cheer me up).

Not least because the author of Potatoes not Prozac left a message, too.  Answering the questions!  How fantastic is that?  It also confirms my feeling that this is NOT a process to be rushed, even though the dieting/addict mindset say the opposite.

Peridot is very concerned about breakfast so I will answer, as best I can.  Unless it is a certain time (of the month), I rarely want sweet things for breakfast BUT if I am tired or have to get up very early (4am, for example), a sweet choice will always be made.  I have worked out that - ideally - I'd be getting 27g of protein within an hour of waking up.  I think Shauna's (aka Dietgirl) breakfast sounds a yummy solution:

"Greek yogurt contains a decent amount of protein... 150g pot of 2% has 10g. my weekday brekkie is greek yogurt with unsweetned tinned apples or pears (me very lazy) and a sprinkle of raw oats and sunflower seeds (good fats and some carbs) and cinnamon. almost tastes like apple crumble"

And Shauna is absolutely spot on when she says:  

"Eggs are good and only take as long to scramble as your slice of bread does to toast... "

I've been doing a mixture of both - yoghurt options (with Greek zero fat) - and/or the reliable eggs/toast combo.  I've gone back to reading the chapter about Step 1 and guess what?  It's also broken down into further steps.  So it really is baby steps.  I love that approach.  It's the opposite of all or nothing - perfectionism or total doom.  I have not been doing it to the letter - purely down to the lack of organisation. BUT I can understand why it's so important.  Today I had eggs on one piece of toast.  Later in the morning I felt hungry.  And panicked.  Momentarily.  So I had an apple (which sounds very healthy and 'good') but I had to remind myself that I did not have 27g at breakfast.  This is all going to take time.  Much more time than I anticipated.  But that's OK.  As is a mid-morning snack.

I'll leave the last word to Dr Kathleen DesMaisons:

What a great beginning!! WOW~~you have an open heart...
a) the issue about an hour is important so you don't put your body into a stress crisis.You haven't eaten since the night before.
b) you can have a mid morning snack :)
c)the potato is designed to raise serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is the JUST SAY NO chemical. It gives you impulse control. The myth that potatoes are bad for you is a myth. Read the book for a scientific explanation :)
d)No, it simply means that you are free from compulsion and you GET TO chose what you want. This is not about control. You can't control sugar addiction. This is healing. But the sugar thing is step SIX, not step one. By the time you get there, it is a non issue.

The book says "Don't try to do it all at once" and  "Take it in sequence". I love that reassurance.  I absolutely do. So, Peridot, I hope your questions have been answered.  From two experts (published authors no less) and ...me!  So, if you're curious, buy the book; this is a paperback I have absolutely zero reservations about recommending.  And nothing can replace reading the words for yourself.  They are still singing to me. Loudly.

PS apologies for the formatting.  As soon as I cut and paste in TypePad, it ignores my wishes...(ie editorial control on the layout).

Legs, Bums and Tums

So, my new gym buddy (!) from Body Pump also suggested that I try a specific Legs, Bums and Tums she said that the class was full of older ladies.  Readers, you know that I have crossed the 40 mark some time ago so I assumed that it was full of senior citizens.  And I thought to myself, that class could be a winner for me after the body pump situation.

Yet again I cycled and arrived just in time.  Fortunately, the class started late.  I had to be shown by another kind person where the mats and weights were so that I could be prepared.  I say prepared but I am laughing because I had absolutely no idea what was in store for me.

Well, Legs, Bums and Tums has reduced my body to a heap.  Of lard.  There I was, completely wrongly, expecting a gentle way to start the week.  No, no, no.  And the average age of the group was definitely my age, with a few women in their 50s.   LBT starts off with an aerobic session.  The instructor's music choices were spot on - lots of '70s disco.  But the aerobics section was also hard-core.  I've split up the word to try to convey how I would say it for maximum impact.  At one point, we were pounding away to Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman" with the instructor shouting over the music, bellowing, yes, bellowing "faster, faster".  She was so loud.  The music was loud.  The exercise was hard.  By the end, all I could do was laugh.  At myself. At the situation.  I was flinging my arms and legs around, just trying to keep up.  Forget self-respect. Forget dignity.  I was a huffing, puffing giant red tomato!  

Each section - legs, bums and tums (in that order) seemed harder than the last.  The tums - which came at the end - was just too much.   As a result, I have not been capable of returning to the gym.  Every part of me aches. It really does.  But do you know what?  I want to go back.  For more insanity.

As my friend TigerGirl said, it's the fact you can't quit in a class like that.  Absolutely spot on.  And so while I am finding this exercise gig super tough on my body, I am having a good laugh.  At myself.  And sometimes, that's just what is required.  I also like the fact that I have to do the exercise; in the gym, I find myself getting on and off each machine at the slightest distraction.  I need water.  I need the loo.  The machine isn't working.  I can't hear the TV (if I am watching).  The whole time I am struggling to stay and get the work done.  But in a class, you stay the distance.  There's no alternative.

Unfortunately, I cannot get back to the gym until Friday (all day commitment tomorrow) so it will be...back to Body Pump.  If my muscles hadn't been complaining, I would have tried Pilates and Yoga this week. Never mind, it's something to look forward to.

I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence!!!

Potatoes not Prozac - Step 1

 

So, after last week's epiphany with Potatoes not Prozac, I've been consciously trying to eat more protein.  But since I am now almost back to being completely vegetarian, this presents more challenges, particularly as the protein I am consuming is of the high-fat variety.  That's fine if you are doing Atkins and going into ketosis but I am not.  So I need to be careful.  

One of the many key points of the programme (Potatoes not Prozac - which I am going to refer to as PnP) is to take a step at a time.  Because, even a seemingly easy step, can be challenging - purely from a logistics point of view.  And you don't want to set up failure before you've really started.

I was not going to list all the steps in a post but lovely commenters have expressed concern about one of the steps - 'have a potato before bed' and I was concerned that other readers may wonder what this programme may be prescribing!  But the potato question is a legitimate one.  Of course, I wondered - from a weight-loss perspective - how having white carbs at night was going to help me shed the pounds.  So, instead of me trying to worry ahead (which I usually do), I am going to try a different approach and trust the programme.

And the reason for this is that PnP is a step-based programme and the author encourages to walk before you can run, ie step-by-step, taken at your own pace.

Here are the steps:

1. Eat breakfast with protein.
2. Journal what and when you eat and how you feel.
   
3. Eat three meals a day with protein.
   
4. Take the recommended vitamins and have a potato before bed.
   
5. Shift from "white foods" to "brown foods".
   
6. Reduce or eliminate sugars.
   
7. Come alive.

Step 1 immediately presents a challenge; there is a recommended amount of protein to eat at each meal so breakfast - which is seen as the foundation of the programme and, therefore, your own programme - has to be eaten.  Regardless of whether you are hungry.  I used to find the more I ate breakfast, the hungrier I got before lunch.  But Dr DesMaisons talks you through the concerns in her book.

For the hardcore slimmer, there is always an urgency with wanting to lose weight.  I can't tell you much I want to shift the two stone (28 pounds) I have gained since April.  But, unless I address some core issues around my eating, I will end up losing and gaining the same weight, over and over again.  And what's more, if I had started PnP at the same time as doing a VLCD, chances are I would be less than I weigh now because I would not have been crippled by depression (when I eat and eat and eat).  My own bio-chemistry would have been more balanced by now.  But everything seems clearer with hindsight.

So, much as I want to find low-fat protein and maybe stint on what needs to be eaten, I recognise that I have to change habits.  And repetition is the only way.

I've been doing the Step 1 for a few days now - just getting into the habit of eating breakfast with protein (not solely protein) within an hour of getting up.  But I am not doing it 100% so there is still plenty of room for improvement and so I am in no rush to move on.  I was working all weekend and managed to have quite a few chocolate biscuits - 'just to keep me going'.  Hmmmm.

Do you know what the hardest part (of this simple step) is?  Getting organised to ensure I have the right things ready to eat!

Body Pump

 

So, the gym thing is continuing.  And this time round, I have mixed things up.  Even though I have been a member of various gyms, along the years, I've chickened out of going to classes.  Ultimately, the bigger I got, the less I wanted to go.  So I stopped several years ago.  

When I was doing my own weight-loss regime, I embraced The Bodydoctor.  I still think it's the best programme out there.  But it does take a long, long time.  You get the results but it's a big commitment to get round all the weights and cardio.  And I haven't yet ventured into the weights room (of the new gym) with my big red book.  So the gym had been all about the cardio and tennis.  Until I heard something that made my brain go click, click, click

Dietgirl and MizFit have done something amazing; they have their own podcast.  Isn't that fantastic?  Do listen to it. Funnily enough, it was just before a gym visit that I plugged in to the whole thing.  I tried a couple of times before but kept getting interrupted.  Shauna was talking about body pump as a starter for weights.  My brain started whirring into action then.  I've got friends who go to body pump. I know of body pump but I don't really know what it is.

But now I do!

I cycled to the gym - the journey is so much better by car - not for the lazy factor but for the terror.  It's got lots of blind corners with cars going fast.

And I joined the body pump class.  It was so small (number of other pumpers!) and there were mirrors everywhere.  And that's when the freakouts started.  I am used to seeing myself from the front but not from the side.  I have to admit, readers, I had to look away.  I did not like what I saw.  It was painful.  How did I get so chunky again?  And it's all in one place - the visceral fat.  I'd already scanned the room to know that I was the biggest in the class.  But it was how I looked.  And I was soooo wearing the wrong clothes.  I felt like a big fat giant.  And they are not words I use casually.

The class was hard, hard, hard.  It's basically lifting weights to music.  With other people around you doing exactly the same but looking way sleeker and in control.  BUT I had a major breakthrough.  It stopped the negative thoughts in their tracks (body issue ones, aside, of course).  I was so busy trying to keep up, trying NOT to look in the side mirror and trying to understand what the hell the teacher was saying.  Overall, I felt it was a humiliating experience except nobody humiliated me and I got through the class. Hmmm.  I think I just felt ashamed of my size, to be honest.  And that, in itself, is ironic, because I am now at the weight I could never get below when I was much bigger.  This current weight I perceived as a holy grail weight.

All of this was not helped by the fact a well-meaning classmate was very helpful in showing me the ropes - where the weights, mats and poles are kept.  Where I could get water, etc. And what classes were worth attending.  She looked at me and I know she meant it nicely but she explained how she had been coming to body pump for four months and lost two stone.  Wow, I replied.  Congratulations.  But all the time we were chatting, I could tell she was thinking, ah, there's a lass who could drop a few pounds.

All of this, however, did not deter me.  Like Arnie, I'll be back. It spurred me on to want to be more capable in the class.  Body pump did it for me!

Potatoes not Prozac

 

Friends, I have been trying to get my house in order.  And myself!  I've been reading the remaining books on my recommended list that I wrote about on this blog (but never got round to starting/finishing).  I've been facing the fact that yet again the weight is creeping back on (because I keep eating!) and I didn't seem to have the capability to get a grip.

I'm working hard to get my driving licence, go to the gym (which involves a temper tantrum each and every time) and think about what is going to work for me in the longer term (food-wise).  

Regular readers will know that depression, feelings of failure, negative self-talk and lots of drama figure quite a lot in my day-to-day existence.  For a really long time now, I've been trying to 'sort myself out'.

And it's a process, it really is.  

Certain things/people have had a profound effect on me along the way.  The moment I started reading Dietgirl's blog, I was a changed person.  Shauna's writing spoke to me.  And, of course, when her book came out, I bought copies for all my friends (who think about weight!) because it was essential reading.  It made me laugh and cry, even though I had been reading the blog for years and sort of knew the story (but the book has so much more!).

Then I found LighterLife.  LighterLife is a controversial VLCD.  But it worked for me.  I had an amazing counsellor (which I think is absolutely critical) and I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  And I began to understand that my behaviour around food had all the hallmarks of an addiction.  I liked the fact that a fundamental part of LighterLife's approach was behaviour change - with lots of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).  LighterLife taught me two things - I could lose weight (so the core belief that I would never be slim got blown out of the water); I experienced being slim.  It also taught me that while food seems to be the culprit, there is much head work to be done, too.  Oh, and one final thing, it taught me (though I consistently chose to ignore it) that sugar is powerful and dangerous to certain individuals.

Through this blog and a forum, I found wonderful companions on this weight loss journey.  Some but not all had also been through LighterLife.

Life then got in the way - as it always seems to - and I lost my way.  I did various attempts at abstinence (going back on a VLCD regime) - lost weight for important things like surgery - but in many ways my behaviour didn't change.  And the negative voices in my head were getting louder, not quieter.

This year I found Beck - as in Beck's Diet Solution and again, recommended it and thought this is it.  I bought copies for friends.  And gorgeous Lesley sent me a copy because she had found it so helpful.  But do you know what?  I didn't see it through.  But it IS worthwhile!

And finally, this summer, perhaps because I was back at home (and had access to the books), I got round to reading.  

Eat, Pray, Love was another important book in the journey.  It really moved me - to tears.  In fact, I cannot wait to read it all over again.  Ditto Thin is the New Happy.  

And then there was a book that I bought more than two years ago called, "Why do you overeat, when all you want to be is slim?" by Zoe Harcombe.  In fact, I read it two years ago and thought it was great.  Now several friends are embracing the author's regime and raving about it.  At the heart of that book is the debate about sugar and the cravings it sets up.  Her book makes perfect sense to me.

I then read Lick the Sugar Habit by Nancy Appleton, which again really spells out the problems with sugar. There is a lot of science in this book but Dr Appleton takes you through gently.  Again, it was another important book.  

But the book that has really spoken to me, no absolutely shouted at me has been Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  I have a feeling that Peridot recommended this to me (Peridot - have you read it?) a long time ago.  Anyway, I finally got it.  And wish I had found it years ago.  There were so many things in this book that answered a lot of questions I still had in my head and it addressed the despair that I feel about food.  It's all about the chemistry; body chemistry.   And sugar sensitivity lies at the heart of the body chemistry situation.  Not all people are sugar sensitive.  But if there is a history of alcoholism in your family (ie parents), chances are you are probably sensitive to sugar.  Of course, I have been saying that sugar is NOT my problem.  My issue is pasta, pizza and bread.  I can go cold turkey on the sweets.  But what are pasta, pizza and bread to the body?  Nothing but sugar (once they've been broken down).  Doh!  Of course, I know this.  I do know it.  But maybe I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it.

Something really clicked for me this week.  I have been going to the gym.  A lot.  This is major.  Each day my husband has asked me if I feel great.  No, I reply.  A sense of achievement?  Absolutely not.  What about all those good feelings that exercise is supposed to create?  A big fat zero. There is no runner's high for me. Well, after reading Potatoes not Prozac, I am beginning to understand why.

If you think sugar senstivity might be an issue for you, here's some questions taken from the book to help you:

• I really like sweet foods (as I said, I am not crazy about them - I can easily go without desert in a restaurant)
• I eat a lot of sweets (funnily enough, in a car, I can consume far too many sweets, even though I say sugar isn't my thing!)
• I am very fond of bread, cereal, popcorn and/or pasta (yes, yes, yes and I will go to extraordinary lengths to have any and/or all of these)
• I now have or once had a problem with alcohol or drugs (I've always been super paranoid about the former)
• One or both of my parents are/were alcoholic (sadly, yes)
• One or both of my parents are/were especially fond of sugar (yep!)
• I am overweight and don't seem to be able to easily lose the extra pounds (errrrr, yes)
• I continue to be depressed no matter what I do (this was the one that was really important for me)
• I often find myself overreacting to stress (guilty, as charged)
• I have a history of anger that sometimes surprises even me (shamefully, yes).

We all have to find what works for us.  Everyone is different (and several blogging chums have found what does it for them).  This, for me, is where I wish I had been able to go after doing my hardcore VLCD.  But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The next stage is starting the programme.  I like the fact that Kathleen DesMaisons has set up a website - with a forum (I LOVE a forum!) - called Radiant Recovery.  How fantastic is that?

I really, really, really did not want to have to go down the anti-depressant route and maybe, just maybe, I won't have to .  I am going to commit to this programme (oh my goodness, I've said it, on the blog!) because it makes sense.  I have to see if it can work for me.  Essentially, I don't think I am a miserable person but, of late, my bad, sad moods have made me really want to find a solution.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Anyone for Tennis?

If you have read as many diet books and diet articles as me, you will be familiar with the phrase 'find something you love doing, otherwise you'll give up' in relation to physical exercise.  (It could, of course, apply to so many things in life.)

Well, we finally joined the gym.  On Saturday, my husband had to drag me there. If I could carry out pouting in style, I would have pouted.  Big time.  Instead, there was petulance and dragging of feet all the way.  And we hadn't even joined.  

I find the gym hard at the best of times.  But if I am feeling low, I find it's the perfect place to really amplify those negative feelings.  The harder I pound on the treadmill, the bigger those feelings are.  And the negative voices - well, they just get louder, the faster I try to go.

"You obviously don't have your iPod on loud enough," said my husband.

Hmmmm.  Anyway, I managed to have tantrums on three machines - they all broke.  Or stopped working. But somehow I got through the workout.  I'm feeling physically rubbish and mentally very fragile at the moment.   So it was torture.  But I did it.  Without enjoyment.

I think I mentioned that this new gym is not fancy.  It's for people on a mission. Serious athletes.  Serious dieters (I've been four times in total and today is the first time I saw bigger people there.  And they were determined.)  It's distinctly poser-free.  Sadly, it does not have a swimming pool but it has... tennis courts. Tennis and squash.  Squash I never got into.  I really didn't.  But tennis?  Tennis could be fun.

I begged my husband to agree to playing - just FOR fun - on Sunday.  He agreed and we booked a court. Rackets and balls are hired - for free!  So no new gear required.  

As we started playing - with the only available rackets (kids) - it struck me as funny and fun.  I didn't care that I wasn't at championship level.  I just laughed.  I missed a lot of balls but managed to hit a few back. There were spectators so I made jokes.  Before they did. Classic deflection.

Soon, it was clear that someone was watching us specifically.  He started giving us tips and it turned out he was a tennis coach.  But only visiting.  He was soooo helpful and we had a mini and spontaneous lesson just for us.  I am literally starting from scratch.

It was brilliant.  It really was.  Suddenly exercise was not all about me  on my own (and my failure to run faster/stay longer/push harder).  It was about a game.  And having fun.  

I know that I am a complete tennis novice.  I miss more balls than I hit.  I can't quite get across the court fast enough for easy shots.  I felt extremely fat (I'm borderline overweight/obese again - based on BMI stats) and had moments of extreme self-consciousness (ie embarrassment).  But.   As I did run around the court, I could see that getting fitter could have its benefits on the court.  And if I weighed less, I could move more. And if I ran more on the treadmill, I could move faster on the court.

The major, major difference in this thinking was that it wasn't about losing weight for losing weight's sake.  It was so that I could then do something fun with the benefits of losing weight.  

We played outside this evening; it was sunny and warm.  It felt like a holiday.  A European mini-break.  I felt more alive than I have for months and months.

Long may this new-found-exercise-love affair continue.  

"Do you have an inferiority complex?"

That is the question that my driving instructor asked me last week.  I was all set to have lessons to finally, finally (and hopefully) pass my practical test in a different part of the country but, ultimately, I had to go for someone local.

I like my driving instructor.  He is calm.  He is collected.  He is, I realise (and I told him), someone I have to trust.  100%.  I have enormous respect for my driving instructor.  And he is, by far, the best one - and yes, there have been many.  Each instructor seemed to have their own tragic lifestory and it did seem to affect our driving lessons.  Maybe it was those boundaries again?  I'm a very good listener.  Anyway, my instructor is very happy and settled and we talk about big issues and silly things.  

During my third lesson, he asked me THAT question.  Straight out.  "Do you have an inferiority complex?" We talked about it - as I was negotiating various junctions and minor roads.  I asked him what HE really meant by the question, as well as my interpretation of it.  In short, I will automatically assume I have done something wrong.  And apologise profusely.  Or, I will comment on holding up the traffic.  And feel bad about the other drivers.

Driving has not come naturally to me.  I didn't learn at 17.  In fact, I didn't start until I was at university. And from my very first lesson, I never really saw the point of gears.  I know that sounds utterly insane but I distinctly remember travelling down a small road and my instructor of the time told me to move up in the gears.  For such a short space of time, it seemed like a wasted effort.  I am sure this is heresy for those of you who love to drive.  Anyway, I have two failed manual tests under my belt and far too many lessons to count.  And I never seemed to make progress.  I really didn't.  There never seemed enough lessons to get me test-ready again (after the two failures).  In London, it didn't matter.  But out of London, it affects everything, including my employability.  Massively.

So, here I am, going for third time lucky.  Only this time I am trying in an automatic.  My best friend, Porkchop, was the same.  When we finally discussed my new lessons, I said it was such a joy to stop at and move off from traffic lights.  It's soooooo much easier.  "Yes," she said, "you can concentrate on the driving."  Exactly.

So what has this got to do with weight loss?  Well, something and nothing.  For a start, there are certain situations (joining a dual carriageway, for example) that feel scary.  I don't know what I am doing but I trust my instructor to get me through.  Sometimes, I've noticed, I hear what he says but my brain doesn't translate those words into actions.  Sounds familiar?

When I lost a lot of weight in 2007, I certainly didn't know what I was doing.  It felt alien and scary, particularly as the weight was dropping at a fairly swift rate.  But all I had to do was follow the diet to the letter.  If I deviated, the weight loss was affected.  When I approach roundabouts on the road, it's the same thing.  I'm driving the car but I'm not in control.  My instructor is telling me what to do.

Control (being in control and feeling in control) is critical in driving.  You are in charge of the car NOT the other way round.  And that has everything to do with weight loss.  It really does.  We are all in charge of ourselves but goodness me, isn't it easy to forget?  Isn't it easier to believe that we are controlled by the food - OUT THERE?

I'm absolutely desperate to pass my test, in the same way that I wanted to lose weight back in 2007 (and still do only this time I have the experience of having been - at one point - seven stones lighter).  I didn't believe I could do it and I think it was the same for driving (a manual car).

But driving, like dieting, is a learned skill.  I see that.  And sometimes, particularly when my self-sabotage is operating at maximum, I feel incredibly stupid.  Why can't I just get my act together around food?  Ditto with manoeuvres.  Why can't I reverse?  Why can sooooo many OTHER people manage?  After all, I usually say, I don't think I am particularly stupid.

My instructor told me about his super-bright students.  Doctors from the local hospitals.  Academics from various reputable institutions nearby.  Incredibly intelligent and able people, stars in their chosen profession, yet utterly undone by a particular roundabout or junction.  I think he was trying to say that I was not alone.  

I said to my instuctor, "I really, really want to be a driver.  And a mother."  (He'd asked me on my first lesson whether I had any children.)

"You are a driver," he said.

"OK, I want to be a qualified driver.  And a mother."

That's what I really want.

Thin Is The New Happy

I am convinced that somewhere in this blog is a post with the very same title because I was recommending Valerie Frankel's new book, Thin Is The New Happy months and months ago.  Of course, as with Eat, Pray, Love, I hadn't actually read it when passing on the details.  Instead, I had heard about it and thought, 'that sounds interesting' but not actually opened it.

Well, something must have been clicking with me since I returned home - after living away for most of the year - and I am finally reading all the things I recommended.

I have just finished Valerie Frankel's memoir and I can thoroughly, thoroughly recommend it.  There's so much in there - I won't spoil the read for you - but since this blog is about achieving smaller dimensions, there are a couple of paragraphs that jumped out at me.

After years of dieting, the author decides to stop.  To see what happens.

"As far as I was concerned, my theory was now proven fact.  Excess weight was the physical accumulation of past hurts, insults, disappointments, and resentments that, once released from the mind and soul, were freed from the body.  I'd purged big-time.  The ancient anger, blame and shame were out of my system.  In their place was a glut of self-awareness.  I was convinced that any woman - and I do mean any - could melt down to her genetically predetermined true weight by (1) stopping dieting today, (2) silencing her negative inner voice, (3) forgiving everyone who'd contributed to her forming a bad body image, and (4) working out four times a week."

This really chimes with me.  So much of it makes sense.  I am not brave enough to ditch dieting per se. Just yet.  What I do know, however, is that my relationship with food is still pretty unhealthy and I'm eating for all the wrong (emotional) reasons.

Ms Frankel's life experiences mean that she had plenty of reasons (excuses) to comfort eat and/or binge. But she has finally worked out what works for her.

Read the book.  I think you'll like it.  I loved it.  I loved her honesty.  Her humour. And her lust for life.  In spite of what life threw at her.

Enjoy, friends, enjoy.  And you can also check out her website, Valerie Frankel's Palace of Love.