So, I went to the doctor and unbeknownst to me, had an appointment with the Managing Partner so there is no one more senior than him.
My blood pressure is normal! He doesn't think I am anaemic ("you couldn't have more colour in your eyes") and said he didn't think a blood test was worth it. I asked about my lightheaded-ness and my feelings of being about to pass out, particularly this week. "All to be expected," he said.
He didn't have a clue about LighterLife and I wonder whether he read my notes because the first question asked me was "So, tell me about yourself, are you a mum? Do you work?"
I answered that I was not a mother but that I had been trying for years. He said, "is there a man in your life?" I said that I was happily (!) married and that was one thing I had managed to get right. My notes say very clearly, "infertility issues". Hello?!?!?! Could it be any clearer? So, although he gave me a clean bill of health, I am not sure but let's see how I feel next week.
I had been sitting in the waiting room surrounded by new borns and that was quite tough, I must admit. I felt a bit teary but after I wrote Something's Clicked in the internet cafe, I thought, it's not TOO late. I can do this!
I returned back to the building site that is my house and talked to the builder and had an honest chat, which made me feel A LOT better! Then my husband walked in! He drove back from the North (rather than coming by train). And I was so happy to see him!
We stayed in the house for a while and then came home, with much arguing and bickering! It's hard to get used to each other again. I prepared his supper, asked him to eat any crisps outside in the garden (recognising my holes to walk round!) and I had a soup. I have stayed abstinent. The abstinence is not the issue, it's deciding what to eat beforehand and sticking to it.
The work issues have not been resolved; I was going to resign today but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have bought myself some breathing space though. I tried to speak to my boss - employer number one - and stated that I was not earning enough and then I said the commission that he was proposing was not sufficient either. Amazingly, he just offered to increase my hourly rate. I have come home tonight and he has sent me a long email about the future plans so I can decide, I think, and try to be a bit calmer.
En route to the GP's surgery, I walked past a garden, which is where I phoned Porkchop after my first scheduled interview with the local charity where I volunteered. The interview didn't happen because the Manager had forgotten but I had been SOOOO nervous, so lacking in confidence - it was pre- the house build, pre- my husband's redundancy, pre- LighterLife. I phoned her (Porkchop) because I felt sick with nerves and doing voluntary work was all that I thought I was capable of at that time. It struck me, walking past that place today that I have come a long way since then. I know more people locally, I have started working locally, I have restarted my business (as a freelancer), I have tried different things, I have started LighterLife, I have explored conception/IVF options, I have seen my house destroyed and be rebuilt, I have travelled to New York and NOT eaten the entire island of Manhattan. I have said goodbye to clinical depression and suicidal thoughts.
I'm not THERE yet but yes, I realise I am a lot closer than I was eight months ago. Indeed, something has clicked.