So, I have had my first full day off for more than a month. I have worked every single day for longer than I care to remember. It may not have been all day every day but there have been hours put in.
I've tidied up the house and started to impose some order around me. I've watched a lot of TV - all the stuff on sky + - so three episodes of Who do you think you are?, etc.
The sun has shone so I have also pottered in the garden, gone for a massage and generally just calmed down. it's the calmest I have been since...July, well, even earlier. It's the calmest I have been for months.
(It hasn't stopped me eating but that's partly to compensate for the overwhelming tiredness.)
I've tried NOT to think about work too much today but it keeps coming in flashes. But the calming down has enabled me to question what I am doing. Porkchop said a long time ago that I had to have an exit strategy (from this job) but I wasn't really listening. A long series of what ifs were running through my mind; what if I don't get another job?, what if people think I just can't hack work. But I can.
On Thursday night, I went out with my colleagues for one drink. I laughed so much - it was fantastic. I'd also had a really excellent meeting, which reminded me why I was so drawn to this job.
But on Friday, something happened at work to make me question whether I really could hack being there long term. I guess the stopping (today) has just made me realise that maybe I am kidding myself about being there. My boss is a complete nightmare. Fact. And that is not going to change - not even with the best upward management techniques i can muster.
The commute is...hard core. And right now, I am not getting enough of a buzz from being there to warrant the insane hours. It just doesn't seem worth it.
In the meantime, I went to see a consultant about my miscarriage. It turns out I do have a problem and unless treated during early pregnancy, I would miscarry again. But, equally, my age is a contributory factor. The tests, however, for everything else came back fine and dandy. So there is still hope. I haven't decided what to do yet, as I just had to shelve the thinking about it until after the work deadline.
It's so strange; I am going to be 42 in a week's time. If I think back to a year ago, I am not sure THIS life is what I had in mind! But it's been a helluva year, too!
One thing that has come out of this week is that I am not operating in my adult state. That's very clear to me now. First, I called a close LighterLife friend whom I haven't seen for months. I rang for advice about the job situation; she was tough, tough, tough but right. She told me I had victim written all over me and where was my adult?! I also got a sense of deja vue with the boss this week; it was like a work situation from three years ago that pushed me over the edge. Third, when I had my massage today, my therapist told me I seemed very lost last time. And that the boss will have picked up on that vulnerability. When I went to see my counsellor two weeks ago, I understood why I operated out of fear, most of the time. It was extremely uncomfortable.
If nothing else, THIS birthday has to symbolise something more than too many candles on a cake! I think it HAS to be the start of trying to find my adult self...permanently, rather than for guest appearances in my life, if that makes sense.
I'm wondering, too, if that will help with the food. If I am not trying to suppress fear and anxiety so much, maybe food won't need to fulfil that role.