The Lard Arms

Was that it? (Written on 12 August at 2.33am!) - The First Meal on Route to Management

WHAT A SHAME I DIDN'T POST THIS AT THE TIME!

Apologies if I am repeating myself here; I don't read what I wrote yesterday, never mind the day before or the week before. And forget the month before. I'm worried that I am doing a continuous brain dump but equally, if I don't write it down, as it happens, I'll forget. And then I won't have an accurate record of what it was really like to lose a lot of weight.

So, I had my first 'meal' tonight.

As I am keeping very strange hours at the moment, I woke up relatively late and the acupuncturist rang to bring my appointment forward, which suited me. I managed to have a chocolate foodpack for breakfast - in the microwave, creating a hot 'muffin-like' offering, that does the trick with a cup of tea.

I had a nut crunch bar four hours later on the train, again with a cup of tea. I then didn't eat again until almost 10pm. Not good. (I mean it was good that I didn't stray - more about that in a minute but NOT good that I ate so late. Especially THIS meal!).

My husband had bought chicken slices (rather than whole chicken breasts, which he felt might be difficult for me to eat and digest) and low-fat cottage cheese. I was amazed by how little I could eat. I probably ate about three slices in total but left big chunks to one side if they looked remotely life-like. Sadly, 20+ years of vegetarianism leave their legacy. I enjoyed the cottage cheese MUCH more. As for portion size, I guess I had about 50-60g of cottage cheese. And that was that.

That was my first meal. Since February! I sat down on the sofa (my iMac and work stuff is on the dining table) and talked to my husband. To be honest, it was a disappointment; when I re-read the LighterLife manual, it said white protein only. NO salad leaves. They don't kick in until day 3 or 4, I think.

After that, I had my final pack for the day - hot chocolate. All fine. I could hear my Route to Management classmate saying that if you only eat protein, you won't be tempted to pick because you will be full ie you won't be hungry. Well since when has not being hungry been a barrier to eating?!

Anyway, a couple of times I fancied something more but got into my adult state and realised I didn't need anything.

Three and a half hours later, I'm still up and I ate a mozarella. Yes, a whole one. Not all at once, just in case you were wondering.

When I am home alone, the fridge is empty but with my husband home, he bought stuff for himself (and why not?). He had bought a "Trio" of mozarellas from the cheap Italian manufacturer so they weren't a quality product - this was NOT buffalo mozarella, flown in from Naples! Anyway, I saw the cheese, saw that there was more than one, thought my husband won't noticed and proceeded to unwrap the packaging and put the mozarella and its 'milk' into a bowl and I convinced myself that I would have just one slice, since I wasn't that hungry. On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being absolutely ravenous, I was probably at a 4.

If I'd stopped at one slice, I would have been fine. I could even hear the Locum's voice saying it takes 20 minutes to feel full. I think i waited 20 seconds before helping myself to another slice. The ritual went on and on - knife washed and dried, mozarella in bowl, out of sight. Return to kitchen, mozarella taken out and cut up, the remaineder is replaced in the milk. Kitchen vacated. Repeat process until mozarella has been demolished.

Af first, I felt fine - not even chastising myself, just anaethetising myself. With cheese. To cut a long story short, why did I eat it? Because I could. Because it was there. Because I wanted something (but chances are it wasn't cheap mozarella). Because I convinced myself that as a white protein, it was ok. It was allowed. Of course, it bl***y wasn't! Who am I kidding?

And do you know what? From having felt absolutely fine after my first meal, I now feel totally and utterly stuffed and uncomforable. As if I have eaten 10 mozarellas.

So, after doing SO SO well, I blew it at the final hurdle. I could give a thousand justifications as to why this happened - testing the water, testing the boundaries, forgetting myself, forgetting why I was doing LighterLife, rebelling against LighterLife, feeling cheated that a 'meal' was something without anything green ie salad or vegetables.

But do you know what? I think it was simply that I have been feeling utterly overwhelmed this evening and I just wanted the feelings to stop. Full stop. Now this IS an emerging pattern - I get too worn out to be able to resist the crooked thinking. So what I need now is a tiredness strategy - something that I can do, however tired I am, as a distraction, instead of eating. And it will need to be quick, easily accessible and require as little thinking as possible.

Any ideas?

Victim Support – Thursday August 2nd 2007

I am so happy; my meeting finished early (Friday 10 August) and so I have a chance to sit in a cafe with free wifi and ... catch up on all those half-written posts...

Here they are, in no particular order...

NB written last week when I was feeling more...down than up!

Victim Support - Part One

Sometimes you just need to hear the right words and something goes off in your mind. Sometimes you realise it immediately – that doh! or aha! moment and sometimes, you don’t but slowly and surely, you eventually have a lightbulb moment.

Mine are coming thick and fast right now and I don’t know if it’s because I am struggling.

I was back on site this morning and I found packing up my belongings, quite frankly, draining and depressing. I just couldn’t seem to get going this morning either at home (at the B&B) or on site.

My boss rang me, asking me for feedback on a project and I got a bit short with him – I expected him to realise that I couldn’t talk about the on site problems yesterday. But he didn’t get it.

My husband rang me and we had a blazing row; our conversations are now so limited – we didn’t speak last night – that you’d think we’d make the most of it. I started whining, again but made my husband laugh and it was all going well until he started quizzing me about the building project. I just lost my temper – what I needed was TLC. What I got was micro-management down a phone line. I really lost it and turned the air blue. Not good. Not good at all. My husband rang later to apologise but I know he was annoyed with me, too.

At midday on the nose, I popped over to see my friend with the baby (we are still bartering work for babycare) – just to leave my laptop there before heading back up the hill to get changed, do some work and then head to London.

And I whined there, too. She was sympathetic and gave me the TLC I was craving but her husband was also there. He’s a straight-talking man and shoots from the hip. But, he is also generous and an extremely wise man. He observed what was going on and gave me direct feedback. He said I needed to change my mindset (I said that living like this - ie no fixed abode- was getting to me); he gave an example of a customer who complains that a delivery will be two days late. The supplier apologises and tells the customer to consider how long he will have the particular item (usually years and years); so, he says, what are a couple more days? Point taken! You, he said to me, are going to live in that house for 5 – 10 years, what are a few more weeks?!

I left, reflecting on what he had said!

As I walked up the hill (which I am getting used to and getting faster at), I got it. I mean, I really got it. I’ve been playing victim all this week and I know exactly when it started. On Sunday.

On Sunday evening I had to iron all my husband’s shirts ready for him on Monday morning and his 5am departure. As I was getting into bed, he started asking me about the build (yes, same old pattern – just when I start to relax at 11am at night, he starts with the questions - driving me crazy and making me super anxious) and it was at that moment that I went into victim mode. And I think I’ve been there evcr since.

And do you know what? It’s NOT attractive! Not at all.

Here’s what LighterLife Green book has to say:

“Victims act from a one-down position. They discount their own ability to do things or work things out for themselves and believe themselves to be the victims of other people.”

(The final sentence makes me feel less embarrassed - "Game playing is not shameful – everyone plays games.”)

But that’s not the point, is it?

Yesterday, when I had a disagreement with the builder, I totally went into victim mode.

I haven’t worked out yet how to change my victim mentality but I rang my friend en route back down the hill and I said thank you to her and her husband for the lunchtime pep talk. And she made an equally valid point – “sometimes”, she said, “it takes just as much energy to feel bad as it does to feel good.” Lordy, yes it does; well, it probably takes more.

I remember when Jennifer Aniston split from Brad Pitt and she talked about pity-parties that she had (on her own). It was a phrase that always struck me and stuck in my mind.

Tony Robbins (yes, sorry, HIM again!) talks about us all having our own “stories” that we tell ourselves and tell others. Over and over again.

Again, hands up! So many of you have said I need to believe these good things about myself (blimey, you guys must be worn out by my whining, sometimes!), yet I continue to struggle with believing these (positive) things.

Anyway, I wonder if that’s why I have been struggling in Development too – being a victim – poor me, the materials are crap, poor me, there isn’t as much structure (well, there isn’t!), poor me on this b****y diet, poor me, poor me, poor me!

So, enough of the pity parties; I am going to take ACTION! I am going to stop persecuting my husband (blaming him for so much) and I am going to stop being such a rescuer – because I am fantastically skilled at that role, too!

I somehow need to access that elusive adult state and if Tony (Robbins) were here, he’d be talking about standards! Oh yes!

It’s time to grow up and start living in my adult self. I don’t know where she is – really I don’t – but I know I need to find her pretty sharpish. Route to Management is on the horizon and I don’t think I can embark on that particular stage of the journey with a heady mixture of rebellious child, victim and critical parent all vying for attention!

Will the real Mrs Lard please stand up?!

Victim Support – The Theory (Part Two)

I wanted to look at the drama triangle in slightly more detail and point anybody else in the same direction, if they believe that the victim – rescuer- persecutor roles feel familiar to them.

Check out: www.claudesteiner.com/core.htm

"The drama triangle can be illustrated with the Addiction Game. In the Addiction Game, the addict playing the role of the Victim of addiction, humiliation, prejudice, medical neglect and even police brutality seeks and finds a Rescuer. The Rescuer plays the role by trying to generously and selflessly help the addict without making sure that the addict is invested in the process of giving up drug abuse. After a certain amount of frustrating failure the Rescuer gets angry and switches into the Persecuting role by accusing, insulting, neglecting or punishing the addict. At this point the addict switches from Victim to Persecutor by counterattacking, insulting, becoming violent and creating midnight emergencies. The erstwhile Rescuer is now the Victim in the game. This process of switching goes on endlessly around the Drama Triangle Merry-go-Round.

"In any case, the best way to avoid the Drama Triangle is to avoid the roles of Rescuer, Persecutor or Victim by staying in the Adult ego state."

Another website worth a peek, is: www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html#victim

Victim

"The Victim is a life role most often taken on by someone who was raised by a dedicated Rescuer. It is the shadow of the precious child within; that part in each of us that is innocent, vulnerable and needy. This child-self does need support on occasion but when an individual becomes convinced that they can never take care of themselves they easily take on a primary Victim stance. Accepting the idea that they are intrinsically defective, Victims adopt an attitude of "I can't make it." This becomes their greatest fear, which forces them to be ever vigilant for someone “more capable," to carry them.

"Victims deny both their problem solving abilities and their potential for self-generated power. Instead they tend to see themselves as too fragile to handle life. Feeling done in by, at the mercy of, mistreated, intrinsically bad and wrong, they see themselves as the “unfixable problem". This doesn't stop them, however from feeling highly resentful for their dependency. Victims eventually get fed up with being in the one-down position and find ways to get even. A move to persecutor usually means sabotaging the efforts made to rescue them, as well as other passive-aggressive behaviors. They are very apt players of the game called,"Yes, but." Any time a helpful suggestion is offered, a Victim response might be,"Yes, but that won't work because ...". They may also resort to the persecutor role as a way to blame or manipulate others into taking care of them.

"The Victim consumes a daily dose of shame. Convinced of their intrinsic incompetence, they live in a perpetual shame spiral, often leading to self abuse. Perpetual Victims walk around much like the Charlie Brown character, Pig-Pen in his whirlwind of dust, except Victims are surrounded by a shame vortex of their own making. This cloud of shame becomes their total identity.

Projection and Shadow of Victim-hood

"When we suppress both our problem solving abilities and our willingness to initiate assertive action, we take on the role of Victim.

"The cycle is: "I was just trying to help (rescuer), and they turned on me (victim), so I had to defend myself (persecutor).” Persecution is always justified as a necessary defense, although it is the role most often denied. After all, who wants to admit that they mistreat people?

"The Rescuer, on the other hand, has no trouble identifying with their helper roles. They are generally proud of their position as caretakers and fixers. They are socially acclaimed and rewarded for “selfless acts" of helping. They believe in the goodness of being caretakers and see themselves as heroes. What they deny is the ill-begotten consequences of their enabling/disabling acts. But what these “do-gooders” can’t see is how they, themselves, end up as victims. It's very hard for a Rescuer to hear themselves referred to as victims even while they complain about how mistreated they are!"

The one sentence that hit me between both eyes, was this one:

Victims are surrounded by a shame vortex of their own making. This cloud of shame becomes their total identity.

I fear that with Catholicism in the mix, shame is a natural emotion (well, it's become an automatic emotion)!!

I hope this helps; I understand a bit more about my passive-aggressive behaviour now. Does any of this ring true for you? I'd be interested in thoughts...

Oh, Get Over Yourself!

Well, what a difference a seven hour sleep makes!

I've woken up, the sun is shining and I have reframed how I feel about today. I think what I realised last night - but didn't express it at all well (haven't re-read what I wrote, can't face it) - is that I had, indeed, built Route to Management into a bigger thing than it is.

If I fake it 'til I make it, I'll be fine! I need to feel a bit more in charge rather than at the mercy of the programme and my crooked thinking.

The irony is, of course, that I SHALL be eating much healthier foods than the ones I have eaten during abstinence. And no bad thing. And for those of you who remember, the box of chocolates is still here!!! I noticed the cheeky blighters yesterday when I was cleaning!

One of the plasterers (on site) was eating a fruit salad (homemade) as a snack yesterday and I thought...that looks gorgeous! And it was NOT shouting at me like the Ginger Nut!

Maybe that's it, the food that shouts the loudest is the one that must be ignored the most!!! Hmmm. Maybe a lightbulb moment there...

Anyway, I can be scared or excited so with my thought processes reframed, I shall decide to be .... excited!!! (Thanks, Chris; last week I would have been wounded, today my adult voice (ha!) says, yes, you are right! Note to self, must check my email as I haven't done for days, particularly as it's not my work one - can you imagine? Here's a progress report from Mrs Lard's Home Enterprise. Anyway, I digress...)

I've bundled a lot of complex issues together WITH Route to Management (that are nothing to do with what I eat or my relationship to food) and made it more than it is. Sarah (Cerulean) talks about being indifferent to food; I am SOOOO not in that zone right now. But that's ok!

During the past few weeks, I have overcommitted, underdelivered (at work) and stretched myself far too thin. I have felt out of control, stressed, anxious, lonely, scared, defiant (and eaten crap!), as well as having far too many temper tantrums and I have been desperately trying to fit other people's agendas (particularly at work and with the build). Well, no more!

I need to get back to being in charge - not in an aggressive way - in an assertive way. This will be NEW behaviour, a new way of functioning and one MASSIVE thing I have learnt is that in order for this to happen (for me to feel a bit more in control of myself) is that other areas must reflect that control. So, yes, a tidy environment does make a difference; today I woke up and the bedroom is tidy - I can see the floor. Each room here at the B&B annnexe is doubling up as something else, so our sitting room is also my husband's wardrobe, our bedroom has a lot of my office stuff in it (computer boxes,etc), as well as the vacuum cleaner and all the luggage (!) and the communal area is stuffed full of paperwork, outdoor clothes, blah blah blah. You get the picture (I may post a few to show you).

When I moved here to the B&B, the thought of walking up and down the hill filled me with dread (the lazy part of me)! It seemed like a massive struggle. I started cycling because I just could not face that walk. Now I run up and down (yes, I really do!), as and when I need to. I've pushed a buggy up here (no mean feat, let me tell you). I've got used to it and now, of course, I don't mind it at all and I sometimes enjoy it. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I walk fast or run.

I need to translate that to other areas of my life. As Porkchop and I know, only too well, it's getting the consistency right to keep going.

So, if this is the first post you see today, don't bother reading about my hormonal Management ramblings! Let's be positive; the sun is shining, we're not being flooded and yes, we are lucky to be alive!

Evangelical speech now over! Have a great day (can you see my super cheesy grin, as I say it?)!!!

Hormone Hell

WARNING - this blog contains female health "issues"!

One of the massive upsides (for me) of being on a VLCD has been the absence of TOTM and PMS. Now, that may seem a shocking thing to say (particularly for someone who has been desperate to get pregnant for years) but the associated pain and symptoms make being female pretty awful for me. (A mixture of endometriosis, cysts, blah blah blah).

So when my cycle stopped, I really didn't mind.

But my acupuncturist has had other ideas and has been very concerned that I have gone "too far" with the diet (even though he understands why). So great was his anxiety that he decided to go in with the big guns (needles) to get my system going. Two weeks ago, I had the worst session ever that reduced me to tears and ever since then, there has been a definite shift. Something has been happening, not least my volcanic-like temper, which has been errupting all too frequeintly.

Last week was rocky but this week has brought new levels of pain (and an even shorter temper) that have have not washed over me but absolutely sent volts of pain through my body. Today the pain has made me wince, cry and then have to stop what I was doing so I could just try to breathe through it. I'm on the prescription-only painkillers now, just to get through the rest of the day.

Anyway, the pain is back so we'll see what my body decides to do. It has made being abstinent doubly, if not quadruply, difficult today but I have stayed strong. I know I used to eat through days like this - anything to take the pain away or distract my mind from it.

I've cleaned up my environtment today and tried to impose some order in this tiny living space; I saw a comment from Tiger Girl about doing sit ups while the TV was on and I thought, we have barely enough floor space as it is, the least I can do is clear it!

It's been a strange day and it has tested me. But I've had my supper and well, that's it. It's just the final litre of water or two before bedtime.

I am going to enjoy Cook Yourself Thin and that is my 'treat'. I think watching Jamie will be a food programme too far!

A Ginger Nut Shouted At Me

But I ignored it! Because, it's a ginger nut biscuit I'm talking about, not a red-headed angry person! I would never make those types of jokes as there are redheads in my family!

It's back to abstinence with a bang, which involved going to Waitrose not once, but twice (forgot tea bags the first time, doh!) for the builders. Today it was all hands on deck - window fitters, sparks (electricians), plumbers, plasterers, as well as one half of the building team (other half on holiday).

I'm sure people look at what I buy - multi-packs of crisps, biscuits, etc - and wonder what the hell I am doing! Of course, now I feel no shame - although I do find myself explaining at the till that all this is "for the builders". I think it's a legacy from when I used to shop - for myself - and buy a lot of rubbish.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned - and it's just come into my head - but I used to order takeaway pizza and pretend there were several of us who were going to eat it. How mad is that?! It was only ever me!

Anyway, I was on site, making tea for everyone, dishing out the biscuits and then climbing up the ladder to the loft when a biscuit (a Ginger Nut, no less) fell on the floor. Do you know what? I looked at it - whilst standing on the ladder - because..well, because it was shouting. For a nano-second, I contemplated picking it up off the filthy floor and eating it but of course, I didn't. And I do mean a NANO NANO SECOND!

So, how's it been back to day one of the programme? OK. It has required tremendous mental energy, I have to say and I have taken the day off to 'do it'. I fell asleep this afternoon because I think the past few weeks have really caught up with me. No bad thing; I needed to rest.

BUT, and this is a massive BUT - I did manage to get a glimpse of my adult self. It was late morning and I had a cup of tea with my bar; I sat down and focused on what I was doing. I felt calm. And I realised that doing this one action, made all the difference. By stopping, I could hear myself think - rationally and calmly. Since we have been here, if I sit down, it's to write a list, do a blog, make a phone call to a supplier - always to do something. I think Chris was right when she said I had too much going on; well, reading that must have gone in somewhere! I also remember Fishface saying that she had a lot of noise going on, all the time and now it was time for some peace and quiet.

So, it's 7.40pm and I am three foodpacks down and one left. What's interesting is that I have not had a chocolate one today; I've mixed the flavours - vanilla for breakfast, thai chilli for lunch and maybe mushroom for supper. I haven't done that for AGES.

So, one day down, just four more to go. Hope everyone had a good Monday. xxxx

Nothing Tastes As Good As Being Slim Feels

I see a lot of people on the forum use this quote as a signature, and this phrase is quoted throughout the diet industry - books, magazines, blogs, slimming clubs, etc and I found myself thinking about it.

I'm still the lightest I have been for years and years and years but I still feel like me. The bigger version of me. Consciously, I know I weigh less, there is less of me in the mirror and I look smaller in photos.

But, does it FEEL any different? Honestly? Not really. And believe me, I would tell you if it did. Running feels different in that I can move faster but that's it. But I am not running very far or very often.

I am also beginning to wonder whether I don't feel any different because I am not in my "normal" context; I haven't gone to my mum's since Easter, I haven't been at home for nine weeks, etc, etc. And I started my new jobs after LighterLife had started.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was to say, at the moment, I can't agree with this statement. A more appropriate quote might be: Some foods just aren't worth it or Being slim will feel better than eating this.

My brain really has not made the connection that what I put in my mouth translates into something I may (energy rush) or may not like (feeling bloated/putting on weight) - AT THE MOMENT OF EATING. Regret and remorse are easy - anything seems possible with the benefit of hindsight.

So, maybe I should put a note in my diary, as a prompt to see whether it changes.

For now, it's a work in progress.

Be Outstanding In Every Way

My expert friend sent me a CD with the music from our Unleash the Power Within weekend with Mr Tony Robbins and this was the title she gave it.

I loved it (the title) because it struck a massive chord with me, which I will explain this week.

I have decided to do one final week of Development so I want to do abstinence, 100 per cent, to the max, all the way blah blah blah.

I don't want to start Management with a cloud of poor food decisions hanging over me. I posted on Lesley's blog that I had abstinence envy! How sad am I?! But, even with my whingeing, I know that I have a choice, always have done, always will do so if I am envious, I must do something about it.

So, I am boarding the Abstinence Bus for the final time. So, that's no sneaky caffe lattes - well, I switched to cappuccinos after Chris set me straight (IN A GOOD WAY!) - no sugar stimulants to keep me going, no bites of the builders' biscuits. Nothing, nada, nietski! The fridge is empty, the water stocks are full and I have cleared my diary. Of everything bar work and the house(build).

I want to greet my husband next Friday evening with my head held high! And I'll need a very effective new strategy to cope with Sunday evening, when all I want to do is cry, say don't go and eat anything that takes that pain away!

PS thanks for all those positive comments about the size 12. Sadly, I am not a size 10! I went to Sainsbury's - to buy all that water - and tried various jeans on and the 10s were snugger than snug, particularly around the tum and thighs! Thought you'd like to know...

If Food isn't the Answer, then what the hell is? Thursday 2nd August

Do you know, I'm not sure how long I've actually been on this diet. I don't use my ketostix any more, I don't write my weight down in my diary anymore (it's on a piece of paper in the bathroom, pinned up on the wall since it's only me there), I don't count the days or the weeks. I don’t even write down how many steps I’ve done (I know I did 22,000 yesterday!) or what I eat each day. Yet these were all pledges that I made to myself to stay on the straight and narrow.

Hmmm.

And I am SOOO conscious right now that I know food is not the answer, I know how to stop myself from feeling that it IS the answer (I can tell myself that I’m full so I don’t NEED to eat) but I still don’t know WHAT the answer is.

And that is slightly perplexing, to be honest. I mean, if I don’t know now, when will I know? Or maybe I never will? It's just that as Route to Management (RtM) is tantalisingly close, I feel incredibly ill-equipped to face it. I feel that once I take the Route to Management path that there will be no turning back; maybe that, in itself, is crooked thinking (someone in my Development group has come back from the OTHER side - RtM - so it IS possible...).

Maybe the answer is...there is no answer.

Or maybe the answer is find a strategy that works and if that means you need a thousand strategies, so be it.

Porkchop sent me this link:

http://www.thinsecrets.com/diet/ditch_the_diet.php

If you click on the link, you’ll see there are seven steps (according to one of my friends who works in publishing, successful diet books are all about step-by-step guides - they FLY off the shelves, apparently!) so here’s what struck me (and if you go to the website, you can click on each step and read much more):

Step 1: Free yourself from the diet. Diets are a short-term fix to a long-term problem. Breaking away from the diet mentality is crucial to being slim for life and can help us learn to indulge guilt-free! Obviously, I am nervous (and as Guinea has rightly observed, success rates are not great for VLCDs) about this because many of us have done a severe, short-term fix BUT critical to the long-term success must be the ability to eat, guilt-free (I don’t like the word indulge). And I also don't like the concept of a food being a sin (or syn!) - sorry, Chris and other Slimming World fans. It's just too close to home (as a Catholic)!

Step 2: Don't aim to be too thin. Don't be fooled by celebrities who say they can pig out and not gain an ounce! Aim to be healthily slim so you can still enjoy life's little pleasures. This is what my expert friend has really emphasised to me – make the weight loss about being HEALTHY. She recommends taking a health-led approach – don’t think about NOT eating fat, think about how and where you can get your essential fats into your system! I used to live in a part of London that was like Stellar Street and it’s true, most thin celebrities really don’t eat!

Step 3: Get some attitude. Having the right attitude towards weight loss helps turn it from a dream into a reality. Changing the way you think will change the way you eat. Well, I think we all agree with that; in a way, that’s what I tried to do with the blog – I knew I had to change my mindset, to change my body.

Step 4: Develop a lifestyle that works for you. We all have different priorities and pressures in life, so successful weight loss relies on you finding out what works well for you. Now this is the crux of the matter; I remember being struck by Lesley’s approach to exercise, ok so it didn’t make me get out and run (immediately) but reading about her progress slowly but surely made its way into my brain. The same with Tiger Girl's posts on the forum about going to the gym. The challenge is to find out what does work for each and every one of us; some of us have children, some don’t. That all makes a difference.

Step 5: Create a slim environment It's often tempting to eat something just because it is there. That is definitely my problem “ like the joke, I see food and I eat it! I am definitely a visually-orientated person! Hmm, needs work, methinks!

Step 6: Always be prepared. Don't let unusual situations throw you off course. By preparing for any eventuality you can stay in control of your lifestyle and therefore your weight. Well, if Wednesday taught me anything, it taught me that. I came home last night, tired and a bit lonely and saw Chris’s comments about why didn’t I choose better options; I felt a bit wounded (in a hyper-sensitive way!) but I know Chris has my best interests at heart. And Chris is right. I learnt a MASSIVE lesson; it’s the first time, I think, that I had no back up in the way of foodpacks.

Step 7: Balance it out A balanced lifestyle is the key to being slim while still having fun. You can have it all. Can we have it all? Hmmm. Not sure about that one but a balanced lifestyle does seem to be the lynchpin of success.

And then Dietgirl (http://www.dietgirl.org) - just back from blogher - posted this about the critical success factors for permanent weight loss:

..two big things were 1) getting educated and 2) getting support. And baby steps.

“In the real world, [Jillian] said, people need to find a support system first, and tell their cheering section exactly what kind of support they want. After educating themselves a little on exercise and nutrition, wanna-be losers should make sure to start slowly with activity, but they should start right away.

"If they don't love exercise, they shouldn't be surprised, Jillian said, because "there's never a moment when I'm lifting a weight or doing a push-up where I think I love this! But I love the results..

"She also talked a lot about the word balance. This was the big key to her approach. You have to find a way to juggle all the variables in your life so that being healthy is both sustainable and enjoyable. I remember a time when it seemed bloody impossible to me that it really could be that simple. But if you're willing to take the time to figure out what works for you, and do what you can feasibly stick to instead of driving yourself mad with unrealistic expectations or someone's elses notions that you must do X exercise Y times a week and eat Z... then suddenly everything really does slot into place. And you just end up healthier, on your own terms and your own pace, without so much angst and stress.

She also talked about how many people have an "all or nothing" approach to fitness and weight loss - if you're a perfectionist it can really paralyse your efforts. She said something like, "Just say your car has one flat tyre, would you go crazy and slash the other three?" No, you would just fix the one tyre then move on and start a new day...

"One thing she said resonated with me like a brick to the noggin - "Successful people fail all the time". Nobody gets anywhere interesting without screwing up royally along the way. That sang to me in so many arenas, not just the fitness stuff. "Success is about attrition," Ms Jillian concluded, and I wholeheartedly agree. Just dig in, get your claws dirty and hang in there for the long haul, baby! Even when everything goes stinky. Especially when everything goes stinky."

Dietgirl isn’t the super top blogger for nothing; she’s a girl who’s documented her journey (although she hates the journey concept!), is generous to a fault and just keeps sharing her knowledge and taking us with her!

Anyway, am I any closer to knowing what the answer is? Not sure. I think I've gone round the houses and found out what it takes to be a "weight holder" (new term to me but apparently it means you stay the same after the diet) but not what the answer is to the never-ending mental hunger that drives me to eat.

Hmmmmm. Must think some more.

Adult Literacy

I've been writing up my Development 'opus' in the past few days and I've been thinking about goals (or rather the lack of them) during this part of the programme.

I have realised what a fundamental goal should be - the ability to access the adult state - quickly, easily and painlessly! I had this lightbulb moment on Thursday night but then things got a bit messy...

Now, I know, I know, it's easier said that done. Do YOU know what your adult state really feels like, for example? I don't think I do so before reaching THAT goal (quick and easy access, although that sounds dodgy!), I need something that's going to help me understand what being in my adult state is all about.

According to one website (http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/ta.htm)

"...the Adult in us is the 'grown up' rational person who talks reasonably and assertively, neither trying to control nor reacting. The Adult is comfortable with themselves and is, for many of us, our 'ideal self'"

This is what the LighterLife Green Book (Foundation bible!) says:

"Adult Style is based on here-and-now reality. When you use your Adult you are making your own choice of how to be, not responding to outdated messages from the past. Choice is the most useful word to hold in your head: you have a choice to look after yourself and your weight and you have a choice not to listen to your unhelpful chatterbox. Adult thinking says, 'I can weigh up the pros and cons and make a decision on today's reality and circumstances.'"

My LLC recommends another technique: to ask ourselves "is this a kind and loving thing I can do for myself?". But sometimes even that is not enough to stop a binge.

(What's a binge? In my eyes, it's when you eat something and you're really NOT hungry but you need to stuff down junk food to suppress whatever emotions are erupting, right there, right then. Of course, for others a binge is when you go for gold and eat your weigh through a conveyor belt of food. Choose your own definition, whatever works for you.)

Although LighterLife is seemingly about weight loss, it also examines all the mind/psychological stuff, which is why I chose it and maybe why you did too, even at a subconscious level? Yes, it was the massive weight losses promised BUT equal weight losses were promoted by Rosemary Conley's January 2007's magazine (which I bought, read, re-read and decided that THAT was the programme for me but then did nothing....). Many people, I think, with food issues (as opposed to weight issues) really do hope that by buying the magazines, that act alone will make us slim(mer); by osmosis! I know I did.

Anyway, I digress, if we are to make it to Route to Management (LighterLife - stage 3 - when food is re-introduced) ready, willing and able, adult 'literacy' must be a goal. And even if you are not following LighterLife but you have issues with food, chances are you probably have struggled to access your adult state on a regular basis or at least at those moments when a very unhealthy food choice seems like a very good decision (thanks to crooked thinking and all that).

One fundamental thing that I know, for sure, is that the adult state is NEVER going to be easy to access if any of the following factors are involved (our old friend, HALT) - if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - chances are, your adult will be somewhere else, just when you need them.

I'm beginning to realise that I need MASSIVE prompts about my person - post-it notes, herbal sleeping tables, a bath, an emergency food pack, a laptop (!) - at all times, to help interrupt the destructive patterns that come charging along whenever I feel ANY of the above. And I would add ANXIOUS to the 'A' list for myself since anxiety sends me to places way beyond the fridge and careering towards foods that my adult state would NEVER endorse or enjoy, for that matter.

So, my question, fellow fat fighters, is this - what does YOUR adult state feel like and do you think you could describe it to others? Have you got examples? I'm going to post this on the forum to get some answers, too and we need to nail this, don't you agree?

Happy thinking!

Stuck in a Moment

U2's song, Stuck in a Moment includes these lyrics:

"You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it"

It really does sum up where I am, right now. I was supposed to go to my first Management meeting tonight - for a looksee (I don't know if I love or hate that phrase!) but I got held up at the house, all day. From 8.30am - 6pm, more or less. That was NOT the plan; I envisaged being there for a couple of hours but it soon became clear that I wouldn't be able to get to London in time, never mind getting to work today. I had to advise my boss that I would be a no-show and he was very relaxed about it; after all, if I don't turn up, I don't get paid.

I had tried to buy myself some time by cancelling whatever I could, but I still couldn't leave the house. We had so much going on today - new windows, the electricians, changing the first fix plumbing (don't you love my technical knowledge!), emptying the house of the shed contents and stocking the new one!

I've got a fantastic relationship with my builders but even that was severely tested today because, at one point, I may have ended up with a stud wall directly in front of velux window. Yes, it was on the drawings, yes, I should have realised it but but but. Ultimately, we sorted it out but it was painful and we were all feeling the pressure because there is SO much happening right now. I phoned my mum on the walk home and I said it has really dawned on me that I just have to be here, on site, every single day. I am stuck here and there is no way out. And the further we move on into the build, the more on site I must be. And it is down to me because I am both client and project manager (with one of the builder's help).

I also had my worst LighterLife day because I simply had NO packs about my person. Not one. Not even a bar! And that lethal combination of tiredness, zero energy, and no chance to nip back to the B&B for a power nap (and a meal), meant that I went to Starbucks and had the lowest fat option (Ginger Snap biscuits) with a skinny decaff' latte, I then had the smallest tub of low-fat cottage cheese at lunchtime (I tried to think white protein, low fat) and then, this afternoon, I had three biscuits.

I feel differently about what I ate today because...it was all so futile. If only I had been organised, I wouldn't have been in that situation. Fact. For once, I didn't know what to eat and I went for the least-damaging option (if you discount the biscuits) but it's not good, is it? I even failed on the water front, something that I am normally right on top of!

So, I didn't get to Management (to try before I buy!) and I could, if I wanted, start Management now but my LLC has recommended that I attend a class first. So, another week, then, on the Development tightrope...I'm also not at the weight I wanted to be to start Management.

In the meantime, I have SO much I want to say about Development but I just can't get it out. I feel as if I need another duvet day to get it out of my system and onto the laptop. But I can't. I've got work commitments galore, particularly tomorrow and Friday. Well, tomorrow it's being on site, working, going to London...blah, blah, blah. I haven't even managed to stay with my London friend yet (to stop me getting lonely) because I simply can't be away for too long. Today proved to me, beyond doubt, that I take a vacation from my project...at my peril! Sigh!

But with my reframing hat on, it will be great. There just aren't enough hours in the day (at least that's progress from my depression years when time just dragged and dragged and dragged...)!

PS I can't even speak to my husband because we are both on networks with very poor coverage....it's all totally surreal! Double sigh.