The Lard Arms

It's July. And it's raining...

 
 

Well, where did the last few months go?  Suddenly, it's July.  And it's raining.  At least with all this cold weather, I haven't had the usual summer wardrobe freakout! (If this were an email, I'd add in a smiley face.)

Since I last wrote, I have stopped going to my LighterLife group - purely for financial reasons.  I've just read my last post and thought, wow!, I really did get a lot from the group.  Which I did.  But I wasn't doing the food side of the programme and so, I had to get real about spending X pounds per week to buy food I wasn't eating...

I also had other commitments, which interfered with my attending group so whichever way I looked at it, it didn't add up.  But I still believe in that Foundation stage of the programme IF the counsellor is right and it's medically safe for you to do it.  And I respect people who don't hold that view.  LighterLife enabled me to get slim when I never thought I ever would and I can still access the memory of being smaller.  And it's given me a point that I want to return to.  

LighterLife has hit the headlines this week because actress Pauline Quirke has taken the plunge and done the programme.  In the same newsapaper, writer Lucy Cavendish talked about how she lost weight  in a different and has kept it off...at a price.  I think it's interesting to see her thoughts.

I recently met someone who's had big weight losses in the past, got busy with her career and overwhelmed by life - juggling family, work, working away from home, the whole nine yards.  She had put on some of her weight but then, as the life pressures increased, so did the numbers on the scales.  Then she got a new job. And 'everything changed'.  She got happy again.  And quietly, quietly, she lost...almost five stone!  It was very much a case of head down, get on with it. Steely determination and all that.  But what really struck me - because I did grill her at length - was that she felt happy.  On the right track - of her life.

I firmly believe it's the being derailed by life's events that is the dieter's undoing.  It certainly was mine.  Is mine.  Life gets in the way and the food regime goes out of the window.  Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's simply organisational.  I was doing really well for the first few months of the year and then lost my way. Part health, part emotion, part practical.  I'm itching to get back into the groove again and, more than anything, I'm really 'working' at getting happy (with myself).  And funnily enough, it's a lot harder than you think!

Wishing everyone a happier summer.  With added sunshine.

What role is the food playing?

I found this little screen shot and it made me laugh.

So, as I mentioned, I've been going back to LighterLife group meetings for a while now but I definitely have not been following the programme.  I am losing weight, though, albeit slowly.

The reason I go to group is that I think the quality of the counselling/group work is pretty phenomenal. There are lots of insights every week and I vow to post them on here, then the week whizzes by and suddenly I'm back at group.

We have had a lot of the 'head' chat in group, which, if you've done LighterLife, won't come as any surprise. The people in my group are really interested in making changes (for the better) and there seems to be a real hunger (absolutely no pun intended) for knowledge.

I go looking (and hoping) for answers.

One of the big discussions we had was around social dining and the challenge of abstinence.  I cleared my diary when I did LighterLife the first time round and every social event seemed to be a mental challenge of the highest order.  I remember going to a buffet (or that's how it was presented but it was a sit down meal) and I had to sit through three courses and justify my mad diet!  Then there was a friend's birthday - someone who knew I was not on food but insisted I had cake - which was, of course, all about her.  But, guess what? Often I didn't say 'no' because I just couldn't get into the whole debate.  And if there's one thing I know, people LOVE to comment on what you're eating (or not eating) as two decades of vegetarianism taught me.

Anyway, the point of this was that our Counsellor reminded us that if this is how we will be, out of abstinence, not wanting to be assertive (ie putting other people first) then we will always struggle with our weight ie struggle to keep it down.

That really, really spoke to me. Of course, it's about boundaries.  It's about a lot of stuff that Geneen Roth talks about.  So often, I've gone along with things for fear of being...I don't know, different.  What was also interesting to hear was the perspective of people who don't behave like that; they are confident enough to say what they want. Or don't want.  This was particularly true of those people who don't drink at all.  No social pressure on them to have just one more because they don't touch alcohol.  

Of course, taken in isolation, one cake or one extra helping or a whole pizza - whatever it is, won't make you put on pounds overnight.  But if that behaviour is repeated, time and time again, then the scales won't be going in the downward direction...

The group has also been discussing TA (transactional analysis) and scripts.  Apparently, we all have life scripts and continue to look for evidence to support the scripts.  I can't do this theory justice because I haven't read up on it myself but I am determined to find out more.

The other area that we have discussed is that moment of madness when you want to eat (or drink or smoke, I guess, if that's your thing).  You have that whole dialogue (Lesley would call it her chimp, I think) and whoever wins, you still feel rubbish.  If you give in you feel defeated and if you don't, you feel exhausted from the effort to stay focused and on track.  Apparently, this moment is called the impulse/action collapse. Again, I really don't know much about it but am itching to find out more.

I think this post is a bit rambling...not unlike my brain, right now.  But if any of it does make sense or whets your appetite (for knowledge) then that has to be a good thing.

How is everyone doing?

I'm still here...

Hello, hello. I'm still here.  How is it suddenly March?  When has 2011 gone?   I really apologise for going off radar; the intention was there to blog, to get back in the groove but juggling work and all the other things... well, something had to give.

The weight loss is going in the right direction but it is slow.  Slower than before.  BMI is still...shhh, in the obese camp.  

I've gone back to LighterLife just get my head back in the right place.  I cannot do abstinence all over again (although I should be) but because a friend lost a lot of weight with Celebrity Slim, I wanted to cut back where I could.  And packs are really easy but it won't be a long-term solution.  Ironically, while it is absolutely amazing for weight loss, I'm not sure it taught me the basics for maintenance.  But then I didn't really follow the last part of the programme.  The one thing I do know is that I practised all or nothing thinking throughout the weight gain. I can not eat food, I can eat for England.  I can think about it a lot; I can choose to not think about it at all - that would be denial.  And I am great at denial about food.

In one of my LighterLife meetings we had chats about slim people and one of the strongest things to come out of the discussion was how everyone was much more miserable when they were slimmer.  I'm in a group of returners (to LighterLife).  Isn't that interesting (about the slimmers)?  I am longing, longing, longing to be slimmer - just for how it felt.  Or how I remember it felt.  But what I also know was that it required constant vigilance.  And a lot of saying...no!

Several people whose blogs I read have acknowledged the importance of the head work.  It's something I've believed all along; weight loss can't be sustained without understanding why the pounds went on in the first place.  Yes, eating too much is the reason (calories in, energy out) but why is some food never enough?  Of course, there isn't one answer.  It's never that simple.  But there's definitely a real mixture of boxes to tick for most people.  Exercise, volume (cannot bear the words...portion control, portion size, blah blah blah - but the p word matters!), the eating when not hungry, the trigger foods,  the slimming saboteurs (people, places) and the fact that food is available anytime, anywhere.

Being slim was fantastic - albeit for the short time I was; what I never learnt was how to hold onto it.  And that's what I really want, once I've accepted that being slim is not surreal but very, very real instead.  In the meantime, I've got to somehow make my way to an overweight BMI and get out of the obese camp fast.

Random Number Generator

 

Over at Dietgirl's blog (hell, I've even forgotten how to do links!), she's celebrating 10 years - yes, T-E-N years of blogging and (in my opinion) just general overall fabulousness.  I love DG's writing; always have, always will. 

Anyway, anyway, DG's very generous giveaway includes the winners being chosen by a random number generator.  And that is exactly what my weight is doing right now.  I get on the scales - every single day - and wonder which number will be generated.  Random it certainly is.  I have worked really hard to lose the scales-determine-my-mood thought process and just try to log the number and take the information.  For information's sake.  Sometimes I don't write down the number but I always mentally log it.  I'll be honest, when it was going up and up, I saw it but did not have the oomph to say stop.  I couldn't take myself in hand. I've also noticed that a 'light' day of eating is not necessarily followed by a lighter encounter with the scales. It's more that my body is a week behind.  It's only when I use VLCD products that I notice a big difference.  

Today it's almost 2lbs down on yesterday.  But yesterday's eating was chaotic; three diet shakes and 3 pieces of toast.  That's screwed up eating, if ever I saw it. But I just tried to eat when I was hungry and I was really, really busy.  And it followed a weekend of...toast.

And I am still not doing any exercise....Hmm.  Must try harder!

"I forgot to put myself on the list"

So, the Oprah love affair continues!  I don't get to see it very often now and Diva TV runs the same show about 20 times, or so it seems.  Anyway, during a recent episode featuring an overweight guest, this phrase (see above) came up.  This, they said, was part of the reason they had...gained some extra pounds.  Oprah agreed wholeheartedly.

Now, I take great heart from Oprah; she is the most powerful and most wealthy woman on the planet.  And she's still struggling.  And, she says, it was because she too forgot to put herself on the list.

Hmm. I don't know what to make of this.  What does putting yourself on the list work?  What does it mean? And why are we all struggling with this one?

I'm curious.  What would it look like?  And what do you think?

 

PS So lovely to see some more friendly faces again.  Hello!

What a shame...

 

No, don't worry, this post is not based on the lyrics from the recent Take That song.  It's about shame and wondering how to deal with it in the 'real' world.

Today, I got given a bag of 'fat' clothes from a friend, including...and wait for it, some of my old clothes from 2007, when I lost almost (the two pounds still rankle) five stone (two pounds shy of five stone).  I had given them to her, she's now lost a couple of stones and so they've come back to me.  I really do think there is a wisdom in getting rid of all your bigger clothes when you get smaller because I made the fatal error of hanging onto my LighterLife Day 1 photo outfit (well, the top, anyway).  I liked the top and ended up wearing it as a dress but I really should have said adios, amigo.

And so here's the deal.  I am a lot better than when last writing this blog, more chipper, more...upbeat.  But the weight thing really is an issue.  And  a shameful one at that.

At the moment, every single day, I find myself wishing I didn't have to go to work because I am so much bigger.  It didn't help that the wardrobe was severely limited, either.  The bag'o'clothes will make a huge difference because at least I will now have something to wear.  Phew!

But the shame remains and I have noticed that the avoidance thing is happening once again; I am deliberately avoiding seeing some friends because I feel ashamed about being bigger than I was.  Losing weight was so all-encompassing, it really was.  It definitely was a big deal but somehow I think I made it into an even bigger one, which is why the feelings (of shame) are so much harder to deal with.

It's strange; I was determined to make this blog more upbeat, more lighthearted and less...well, for want of a better word,  heavy.  But here I am, two posts in, and back to the big stuff.  But shame is a big deal.  It really is.  It has held me back on so many occasions.  In the past, I let the shame stop me in my tracks.  Now, I am biting my lip and doing things in spite of the shame, if that makes sense.  I am, after all, going to work everyday. 

The opposite of shame is possibly self-acceptance.  In the past, before THE weight loss, I definitely did not accept myself at all.  And when I lost the weight, I'm not sure I did either but I seem to remember feeling better about myself...but utterly crushed if that was not reflected back by my nearest and dearest.  The weight loss stakes felt very high at times, particularly in my marriage.

Now, I just want to get back to being smaller so that I can feel good in my own skin.  I find myself looking back wistfully at the dieting period when I used to run around, cycle everywhere and generally have so much more energy.  

I must say it's very hard (but not impossible) not to think about that time, without the voice of chastisement going on in my head.  Hmmm.

So, what do you think?  How do you deal with shame?  Is it even an issue for you?

PS It's now week 2 of back-to-blogging and still no comments (from me) elsewhere.  It will happen, it definitely will but in the meantime, it's so lovely to see some familar (and much treasured) names in the comments bar.

Celebrity? Slim?

Well, that was a lovely surprise; I log on to blog and I find some lovely comments! THANK YOU!  They really cheered me up.  It's been a long day....

So...today's topic was going to be all about budgeting and dieting (oh yes) but I decided to save that for another day and talk about Celebrity Slim.  Do you know this diet?  I guess it's a variation on Slim Fast, etc. To be honest, I saw the name AGES ago and thought it was...well, a bit silly.  But then, guess what?  I met someone who has lost a lot of weight with this regime and it really was working for her.  So, lovely readers, I purchased some packets.  All in the name of research, of course.

Taste-wise, they're not so great but then taste is subjective.  After LighterLife, they feel decidedly 'thin' and leave an oily aftertaste.  But, here's the upside, no blender required.  So you could be very discreetly mixing up some shakes/soups, whatever, and having a meal replacement.  They're not cheap but then compared with the price of a sandwich, it's more or less the same.  

Funnily enough, a shake for breakfast really works for me, particularly when I am going to work.  I am always running late so need something quick.  Toast is just too tempting (I was going to write dangerous but that would be implying that toast had a hold over me...perish the thought!).  One slice is never enough.  Or two...well, you know that feeling.  Porridge, however much I absolutely love it, just leaves me wanting to eat more and more and more.  I really don't know why this is.  And I've tried lots of variations and the result is always the same.  

Ultimately, I've only tried three flavours of Celebrity Slim but I may try some others, if I think it's worth it. Funnily enough, I have never had a Slim Fast.  Perhaps I should give that a go, too?  The massive upside is that these are all available on the high street.

But just in case you thought my halo was getting way too shiny, supper tonight was some cheese, some Christmas chutney and...some carrots.  And I ate it all...standing up, while preparing Mr Lard's supper.

Oh dear.

Another New Year? Already?

Hello.  Anybody there?  Well, in case you are, Happy New Year.

So...the no-blogging thing didn't work.  Imagine!  Staying away from all the fat chat did not make me thin. When I wrote the last post, I was in a very dark place. I really was.  And I just couldn't face writing about the slog - and that's what it felt like, the slog of losing weight, trying not to get bigger, blah, blah, blah.

And I was abs0lutely consumed with grief.  No two ways about it.

So...what happened to the waistband?  Because that's what you really want to know.  Well, it got bigger.  A lot bigger.  WTF.  How did that happen?  I so wish I could say it was because I got pregnant.  But I didn't. And I didn't get another doggy, either, to get me walking.  (But I'm working on it.)

Instead, I basically stopped making any attempt to lose weight.  I swtiched off, zoned out and moaned about it, from time to time.  There were lots of half hearted flurries of activity - going back on VLCD-type regimes, shakes for breakfast, lunch and...well, you know the drill.  Or I'd just constantly graze and pay zero attention (well, not quite zero - the voice of the food police in the head never goes away) to calories, fat content, etc.  

And then very, very recently, I read an interview - I think but I cannot find it anywhere - with a supermarket CEO.  And there was a throwaway comment about how saying no to one biscuit was saying no to a-not -insignificant weight gain ie just an extra (not planned for) biscuit a day leads to something insane like 10lbs a year.  Just for one biscuit.  I was surprised by two things - a) the level of detail that the supermarket big cheese could recite - he totally had the information nailed and b) the complete acknowledgement that sometimes you just have to say no.  Even if you're mega successful.

Aha!

So with me feeling very much like a Christmas bauble after a lot of festive feasting, not unlike the one above (!), I felt compelled to get back to blogging.  Do I have a grand plan to slim down? No. Not. Yet.  

Do I think I will have to...shock, horror...diet?  Probably.  Even though, I really, really, really don't want to.

Part of me really wants to live the Geneen (Roth) way  - the way of no diet!  But only when...yep, you guessed it, I'm smaller.  

Anyway, this wouldn't be The Lard Arms if I didn't recommend something to do, read, watch or listen to. So, whatever your plans for 2011, whatever your resolutions - hey, even if you don't have any and that's a deliberate decision, I really can recommend Women, Food and God. (I will find a link tomorrow for it.)

Blogging, I am hoping, is going to be like getting back on the bike again.  There will be lots of wobbling along, maybe a crash or two but let's see what happens. I've been away so long, I've even forgotten how to compose a post. Where are all the shortcuts and instructions? This has taken me far too long; in the old days, I could have rattled this off in five mins.  And then have time for exercise...of course! Or some other lard-busting activity. Well, in theory.  Instead, while getting this 'out there' I've had a cup of tea and a handful of peanuts. Dry roasted if you're interested.

So...Happy New Year.  Who knows what 2011 holds for us all?

PS A massive, massive thank you to all of you who kept coming back to check if I was ok/still here/still writing.  Sorry it's taken me so long to get back in the saddle...

Game Over

Greetings, readers, if you're still here.

Apologies for the silence; it just hasn't felt right.  It's been a turbulent period for all sorts of reasons and now I'm left wondering what's left to offer via this blog.

I've put on lots of weight and I would just feel fraudulent if I pretended otherwise.  I'm brilliant at giving advice but pretty rubbish at following my own counsel.

The motivation for losing weight was to try to get pregnant, pure and simple.  And that hasn't happened. Instead, I'm facing a very big bill (or financial hit) for all the attempts and time I took trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant.  And I found out my weight was nothing to do with our situation, anyway!

The weight loss was very real - I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I started LighterLife - but somehow I didn't manage to sustain that loss.  Each and every time I had a personal setback, I would turn to food.  And there is definitely a moment when the pounds drift into stones and then it all starts to feel pretty pointless anyway.

The one thing I will say is that Potatoes Not Prozac WAS making a significant difference (and improvement) in my mood.  Absolutely.  So I know that it's a chemistry thang, too.  My concern with the regime was that I was putting on weight with it but then I went completely the other way and started having a lot of sugar in my diet and wham!  The scales went even higher.  Hmm, a salutary lesson all round.

Ultimately, I learnt a couple of very valuable lessons.  Tiredness is a major factor; if I get overtired, my diet (just the day-to-day stuff) gets completely disrupted.  And I compensate with sugar as a false energy.  Sugar also suppresses my mood.

When I started this blog, I really was very hopeful.  I was hopeful about trying to have a family of our own, living in family home that we created and starting a new life after leaving London.  Now, we are going to be selling our house, my gorgeous doggy has gone to the big kennel in the sky and there are no children of our own on the horizon.  Last year I was hopeful about resurrecting my career and then ended in disaster.  

I have started doing voluntary work and during my birthday weekend, I celebrated by helping others.  It was the only way I could deal with being in this situation.  And I feel I have a lot to offer.

There are lots of wonderful things in my life, which I appreciate.  But this year has turned out to be harder than I thought (some of which I can't write about) and some very painful lessons along the way.  Not just for me but for loved ones close to me.

I probably won't update the blog again but I sincerely hope that it has helped some people, particularly those embarking on the weight loss journey.  It IS worth it; it really is.  I just don't happen to feel that way right now.

Thank you for reading, commenting and being a great support along the way.  I wish you all success and happiness in your own journeys.

She-Wolf

Shakira in her She-Wolf outfit

The only reason I have posted the very foxy Shakira here is because her video (of her song, She-Wolf) was playing at the gym, while I was on the treadmill.  I've was really struck by the images and the fact that none of the women around me bore any resemblance to the South American chanteuse.  And yes, I was feeling particularly bloated and uncomfortable myself but after Shauna's stern words, I will NOT use this post to be negative! : )

Anyway, here is the Potatoes not Prozac update.  There have been definite improvements in my mood.  Not all the time but distinct, significant improvements.  And I'm not even done with Step 1 yet!  There is a bit of chicken and egg going on right now; I've changed a few things in my life so not sure where the improvements originate.  

Food-wise, I've been doing Step 1 very slowly - Eat Breakfast with Protein Every Day .  Step 1 has four individual parts:

• (Eat) enough protein for your weight
• (Include) a complex carbohydrate
• Eat within one hour of getting up
• (Follow it) every day

As a vegetarian, it's a greater challenge to get the required amount of protein (30g for me right now) - without going fat-tastic - NOT impossible, just more challenging.  And getting on top of the food (organisation), is a skill I really have to master - not just for now but forever.  I decided to go back to my own methods of old - protein shakes.  I use Holland & Barratt's own-label protein powder, mixed up with skimmed (dairy) milk and a banana.  I find this sustains me for hours.  Where this breakfast falls down is that it doesn't include a complex carbohydrate so I need to address that.

The eating within one hour has been non-negotiable.  I have stuck to that rigidly, even if it has required getting up at 5am to factor it in.  There was just one day - yesterday - when I didn't follow it.  I had several biscuits (ginger nuts, in case you wondered) and toast.  In fact, my food yesterday was an example of how my organisational skills can let me down, and I had had just four hours sleep.  I had prepared a packed lunch (salad, protein, some carbs - pitta bread) but I was running so late that I had to leave the lunch at home. While out, I had a Geo bar (horrible!), sandwiches, crisps, copious amounts of tea and a Coke Zero.  I had the salad when I got back, pasta for supper and well, you can see it had a theme - the carbathon day.

Of late, I have been ditching any cola drinks.  I have been avoiding sandwiches while out (but still tucking the toast away rather too often at home).

I am NOT doing this programme to lose weight - that was NOT the primary objective.  It was to really see if the food could improve my mood.  I am convinced, well, I am very, very, very hopeful that the weight loss will come.  The downside is that I have put on a lot of weight.  But I really cannot lay the blame at the door of the programme - that would be totally unfair.  I've swapped chicken (low-fat protein source) for cheese.  Not good.  And not advocated by Dr DesMaisons. I've also been on some hardcore medication.  Even though I have been going to the gym, work commitments have meant that I haven't been able to go as often or for as long as I liked.  I am not calorie counting and one major factor remains - extreme tiredness.  When I am tired, I eat more.

Last week I had a breakthrough; I was in unfamiliar (and trigger-tastic) surroundings, I'd had my breakfast and organised having my protein lunch on hand, whenever I was ready to eat it (out all day).  I was in a canteen in that difficult (for me) in between period - breakfast is done but it's too early for lunch.  I lingered over a display of every snack imaginable - chocolate, biscuits, health bars, pastries, crisps - canteen fare - but do you know what?  I figured, I am not hungry, I don't need to eat. So I bought a cup of tea.

The reason it was such a breakthrough was that it was a decision made without restriction - I'm not on a diet per se, I am not restricting my food intake - there was no internal argument to be had.  I wish I could say that such clear thinking lasted all week but it didn't.  BUT that would be to miss the point of the Potatoes not Prozac programme; it's all about mastery, one baby step at a time.  

What I have seen is that if tiredness is not in the mix and I'm on top of my protein, the food chaos is really not as extreme.

PS one vegetarian/vegan protein source that is really working for me - smaller volume - is a Trek bar