Blown Away

Goodness me, what a hectic 48 hours! I feel as if I have hardly stopped for air.

Anyway, today was week 13 of Foundation and I was really hoping that, somehow, I would hit the magic 3 stones milestone but I was pretty certain that I would be just under. In my heart of hearts, I didn't think it was going to happen. But it was not something I obsessed about.

I was late for my class - our LLC is very strict about time keeping and I could tell she was slightly annoyed - because no sooner had I come in the door than she asked me to complete my week's order. I hadn't even taken my coat off. It's the first time I was late and there were only four of us again, although not the same four as last week. One is back from holiday and the other has gone on holiday. One of us is moving straight to management and the rest of us continue into Development.

So, I stood on the scales (after ketones were checked - you know what I mean) and because the first weight is in kilos, I had no idea what the final figure was. Then it switched to stones and I saw that it said 11stone6lbs, which I immediately calculated to be a total loss of 3 stone 2lbs. Yes, 3 stone, 2 lbs or...44 lbs. I have lost 10 inches off my waist!

OH MY GOD!

I burst into tears, hugged my LLC and she was so lovely and said I thoroughly deserved it. I write this not to boast but just to record what happened because, if I'm honest, I am in shock. This week I have lost 7lbs. Yes, friends, 7lbs!!! Blimey. How did THAT happen?! I think it's my biggest weight loss to date (in one week).

For the first few minutes of the session, I just cried. I was completely overwhelmed. I texted my mum, husband and best friend. I know it sounds silly but I just didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't taking in any of the DVD. I could just hear a voice saying over and over again, in my head, "I don't believe it. I have lost 3stone 2lbs". In fact, although I participated in the session, I really was somewhere else. Quite where, who knows? But somewhere else.

With a bit of distance - geographical and time - I'm wondering what I really felt. I was so gobsmacked. And now, when I think about it, I realise I didn't believe - at the beginning - that I would lose 3 stone by the end of Foundation. So, not only have I done that, I have exceeded that figure. And that is really uncomfortable.

I know you may be thinking, for goodness sake, get over yourself. You've done really well. But the most enormous self-doubt is kicking in. And it really is overwhelming. I've been blown away by something and .... that something is me!

I didn't even write up the notes from the session on the way home; I just sat on the train and stared out of the window. The other thought that crossed my mind was this has happened at just the right time; it's just the boost I need. For once, I have exceeded my own expectations - an unheard of event!

Tomorrow, I am going to Harley Street for a scan to see if I am a suitable candidate for IVF. I am going by myself and I suddenly realised earlier today that I may not be able to cope with the outcome. If the cupboard is bare, as it were, there will be no IVF decisions to make. It will be closed door; our own biological children won't be an option. SO, in my new way of embracing mastery by getting the right support, I tried to think about how I could spend the couple of hours I have between appointments. I remembered that a friend works very close by (to Harley Street) so asked her if she could escape work for a coffee and she sent me such a lovely response. So, I have back up tomorrow and won't have to be on my own after the appointment. This is progress! The old me would have thought, "I HAVE to be by myself at such an important appointment and where can I eat lunch by myself?!" You have to laugh.

Anyway, I want to end on a positive note. My husband had planned to try to get the same train home as me tonight but he missed it. I forgot to take his supper out of the freezer and so he asked me to get him a pizza. Yes, a pizza! Of all the things he could have requested...and of all the nights he chose to eat it! He asked for a pepperoni pizza because "then you won't be tempted to eat it" but, quick as you like, my crooked thinking kicked in and I talked myself into buying him a vegetarian pizza that I could have a sliver of. As I said, this thought was so fast and I was still on the phone to my husband!!

By the time I got home and into our Sainsbury's Local, I headed for the pizzas and thought, if I get a vegetarian pizza, I am not sure I can trust myself. (We'd spent a part of the session talking about the importance of delayed gratification...so it seemed ironic that, here I was, contemplating doing the complete opposite.) BUT I also thought, am I being kind to myself by buying a pizza when that is not what I need right now? That's the first time I have had a "what's good for me" thought.

In the end, I bought the most luxurious pizza - with fancy ham and salami - and bought myself a bottle of sparkling water.

As I walked home, it struck me what the problem was. I wanted to celebrate but, in the past, I would have celebrated...with a drink and/or with some food. And that food - for a true celebration - would have been pizza. NOT Pizza Hut pizza but a wood-fired pizza with aubergine, rocket, chilli oil and the usual tomato base with fresh buffalo mozzarella. Hands up, I am a pizza snob but it's only through extensive research! But now I can't celebrate in that way. Yes, I know with my adult head on, I would be better to say I choose NOT to celebrate in that way but I feel a bit lost and deflated. Even my favourite "pleasures" - reading, having a bath, walking the dog, watching the Sopranos - seemed inadequate ways to celebrate this milestone.

So, the question is - how does an addict celebrate, when their addiction of choice is no longer an option?

Answers please...

Comments

[goombagirl]

Well done on the weight loss! And on not buying the veggie pizza. All the best for the appointments today - haven't been there but I know the whole IVF thing is incredibly traumatic so well done for organising some non-edible support for yourself.

[chrismars]

It's not boasting! And anyway, if you can't shout your achievements from the rooftops on here, wher can shout them. Congratulations, mrs. 3st 2lbs! I made up for you!

I felt the same as you. I really didn't believe I was going to lose the fabled 3 stone by the end of Foundation. Ok, I haven't, for the reasons you know, but I've still down pretty damn good, considering I only managed to do 3 weeks of LL and 3 weeks of CD. Then I mamanged to stay in ketosis for about another 2 weeks, and then healthy eating since then. I've gone down from 14st 11lb (6th Feb) to 12st 2lb (14th May). I did get to 12st but there's been a little blip of 3lb which is on it's way out again.

THE DIET WORKS!!!!!

I wish you every luck with the scan today. It's a pity I didn't know earlier. I know we haven't 'physically' met but I'm not at work today and I would have been more than willing to have given you moral support in Harley Street; and we could even have had some retail therapy afterwards. As you know, I've been in the same position as you, and I know only too well how traumatic infertility treatment is.

If you don't want to talk about it on here, mrs, but would like to let off steam, then let me know and I'll give you my email address or phone number.

Oh, and big, big congratulations on avoiding the pizza. How do you celebrate? .......by revelling in those virtuous thoughts.

Hope today went well (if you're reading this after your appointments). Hope it goes well (if your reading this before).

Chris x

[Lesley]

You know - I really feel today that some of the LL headwork is beginning to sink in properly and that is in no small part to your example and your sending me the Though Record. So, thank you, you've really helped me out and I hope you can start valuing yourself properly too.

It seems to me that a lot of your disbelief at your sucess, your desire not to tell people about the diet and your desire not to "boast" comes from not assigning to yourself your true worth.

I know I don't have that problem (bigheaded cow that I am!! - LOL) so maybe you could try and take a leaf from this book as I've done from yours and start believing in yourself a lot more?

I'm really praying for you that IVF is a goer and hope that your day in London was not too traumatic. Asking a friend for support was a masterstroke and I bet she was overjoyed to be asked. Good luck.

Lesley x

[Cath]

Well done on your loss - 7lbs is excellent and 3stone 2lb is just bloody brilliant - I'm really happy for you.

You did so well not buying the vegetarian pizza - you need to find something else that you can be addicted to, in the future that can be a healthy but ever so tasty food but for now you need to find a 'non food fix' ...... only you can know what you might want that to be.

I'm glad you contacted your friend - it's best that you have someone for support.... really do wish you the very best of luck x

Cath
xx

[Cerulean (Sarah)]

Hello Mrs. L - I'm Cerulean.

I have to say that I love your blog very much. It's so thoughtful and well put together.

I've been through two of the things that you mention on a regular basis.

Rewarding myself for day 100 and a 5st loss was done by having my gums cleaned so hard that I cried. That may sound more than a little masochistic, but it was rather a milestone for me. I hadn't had my teeth seen to in 14 years so it was a very extreme form of self-care and bloody well sorting out my neglected body. I'd been so indulgent with myself through the first 50 days - I bought myself everything I wanted with little thought for my bank balance! I think it was rather an apt gift for myself. The 3 fillings that I needed to have have all been white - which is a huge extravangance - but I'M WORTH IT!

As for the amazing one week loss to get you where you needed to be - this diet is a very very strange fish - I find that if I want to be a weight enough and visualise it in my head before I meeting that I will get there. If I am vague in any way, then I lose less. Very strange and absolutely noting concrete behind that theory - just a gut feeling.