Development 1 Session

Well, that was an experience I don't feel inclined to repeat in a hurry!!

I've already said that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive about Development - the great unknown and all that but it was so much more intense than I expected and I've come home feeling vulnerable, out of sorts and generally quite antsy.

My overwhelming feeling is that this feels like rehab (or what I imagine rehab to feel like).

AND although I want to eat a pack (hot banana custard), I know that if I ate it now it would be purely to stop feeling so ... scared.

Of course, I appreciate it's not going to be the same as Foundation; how could it be? But, if I'm honest, I had started to feel happy in Foundation - you know, like the swot at school - doing my homework, contributing, being honest BUT feeling safe. And succeeding!

I remember I cried when we did the Mastery session, which was totally unexpected and, therefore, uncomfortable but at least I didn't feel judged by the others.

Tonight I think I went with the wrong attitude; I told myself I was nervous and...I went in nervous. I didn't find the group initially very warm; clearly there is a confidence and an intimacy between them so my fellow Foundation people from last week (two others and me) felt like the new girls at school ie outsiders.

During Foundation, weighing, etc is over and done with very quickly (particularly when we were down to four) and then we had a DVD to watch; there was a lot to fit into the two hours and our LLC is super efficient and, when I look back, not that much time for chat.

Tonight, there seemed to be a lot more time for chat - before we stared properly - but it was difficult because we don't know each other.

It just felt...strange. The fundamental difference is that we are at different stages; suddenly, we are in the company of women who have had phenomenal weight losses. Up until now, apart from our LLC, I have only known successful LighterLifers through the internet. I had so many questions to ask them; I guess I was a bit star struck (that's the only way I can describe how I felt - I was in awe of their achievements).

We then did the questions that Lesley did in her Development class; here they are:

What colour best describes your personality TODAY and why?

I said blue because I felt apprehensive.

What vehicle best describes how you see yourself TODAY and why?

I said a Ford Fiesta because it was reliable (to be honest, I didn't know what to say).

What style of footwear best describes you today and why?

I said MBT because they are good for walking (and it's what I was wearing).

If you were an animal, bird or fish, what would you be and why?

I said dog simply because I am missing mine so much.

What famous character do you most identify with and why? It could be a fictional character, dead or alive.

I said Oprah Winfrey but purely because I really admire her and think she is truly inspirational and has done such a lot for women (not because she was once bigger!).

We had to interview the person next to us and introduce them to the group with their answers rather than our own.

We then had to introduce ourselves with the following information:

How much weight have you lost with LighterLife?

What was the reason for you choosing LighterLife?

What has been the biggest change for you so far?

I volunteered to go first "to get it over and done with", I said. I started with the weight loss - 3stone3lbs to date (lost a pound this week!) - and then talked about having moved out of London, my eating being out of control, considering Rosemary Conley for their big losses (but doing nothing), feeling depressed, etc.

I then said the biggest difference to me was exceeding my own expectations and then...I started to cry. Where did that come from? I talked about the fact that LighterLife had saved me; I said it wasn't so much about the weight loss right now but the dramatic difference in how I feel mentally. And then I cried some more. I believe I said it had saved me about three times!!

I then felt incredibly embarrassed and vulnerable and...just utterly exposed. I'm documenting it now because I think it is so important to note it.

No one else cried and that compounded my feelings of ... inadequacy and acute embarrassment. (As I read this back, I want to say, get over yourself!)

Fortunately, I was able to walk back with two women from the group (who seemed so different to each other) and apologised for crying. They, of course, were totally lovely and supportive and said they weren't just trying to pacify me with their reassurance. We had a really frank discussion on the tube, which was SUCH an eye opener. They are at a different stage of their journey and I guess I had so many questions, I didn't know where to start.

As I am mindful of respecting everyone's privacy, so I shall make a decision as we go along to see what I write about and what I don't.

The other thing that strikes me - with a bit of physical distance and space from the meeting - is how much pain was in that room. Yes, these people have made dramatic changes - not just to their physical appearance but to the way they live their lives - and they are upbeat and positive but when describing what brought them to LighterLife, it was incredibly sad. Not so much for specific events but the effects that overeating and being overweight had created for them. More than once, I heard the phrase "could not bear to look at myself in the mirror" and more than once people alluded to the fact that they had stopped "living". Well, of course, I know I had stopped "living" too but hearing people talk in this way was...unbelievable - I just haven't been in any situation like that before. (Actually, that's not strictly true but it was for a completely different reason and grief was the trigger.)

But, if I think about it some more, I realise that the pain that I observed is also my own pain, which I am only really beginning to understand and appreciate. The end of Foundation is all about gearing up for the next stage and reaching a milestone; Development is more introspective and uncertain.

I came home feeling really out of sorts but now, having written this, I feel better. I am going to head for bed after having a bath and a hot chocolate. Banana custard can wait!

Comments

[goombagirl]

First, I'm glad you lost a pound after all your bad news on the scales this week! We did that exercise at last week's management session - can't say it grabbed me but it was OK. I can understand your feelings of vulnerability - I had a bit of an "opening the floodgates" moment a few sessions ago and felt (wrongly) the others must think I'm an emotional wreck! But I think what it means is that you're dealing with issues that need sorting out and surely that must be good. I think you may find that making yourself vulnerable may help the group gel.

I can identify with not looking in the mirror. In fact I avoided it so successfully I never had an accurate image of myself as fat, which means I've had no problems adjusting to my new look!

[chrismars]

Quite an evening you had there, mrs. Not having been in Development, I'm not sure I'm quite one to comment, but do you think it could just have been because you were out of your comfort-zone that you felt so uncomfortable. It must have been like being the new girl in school almost. You know you don't need to tell me about being emotional - I've more-or-less got a degree in it, but I honestly think that the reason you felt so bad was that you were probably expecting a little mpr from the session than you got. Did you think there was going to be some sort of epiphany from the session?

It really seems though, that by writing it all down, you have answered some of your own questions about Development.

Congratulations on getting so far, mrs, and good luck in the next stage of your journey.

Chris x

[chrismars]

SORRY!.....'a little more from the session'

Note to self: must take typing lessons.

Chris

[Cath]

A really emotive post you have written there, and written beautifully if you don't mind me saying so. Personally I'd be glad if someone/I cried during a session as I'd feel that it had hit home and made a difference to someone so please don't feel bad about crying - I'd much rather it was out and felt rather than bottled away in a little compartment inside.

I start Development next Monday (got my last Foundation this Wednesday) and after reading your post I'm quite looking forward to it. I'm nervous of course but in a positive way that I feel we're moving on to the next stage - one step closer to being where we want to.

Well done on the loss too - well deserved :)

Cath
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