Today was a long time coming, in many ways - nearly half a decade since I was first told "you may never have children". I was going to find out if IVF was going to be a possibility for us, as a last chance option. But even if I got the all clear today, it was only half the story and we will still need other tests. But half way there is further than ... where have been until now.
I tried to keep really calm and had given myself lots of time to get to the clinic. I rang them in advance to see if my appointment might be delayed (it was last time) and was told it might be but it might not be and I should, therefore, get there on time.
I put my foodpacks out, ready to take them and only when I got on the train, did I realise I had forgotten them. Before leaving where I live, I had several errands to do around the town, which were making me feel anxious (work-related). I think I need to write down essential items for being away from home all day - when in abstinence. Having survived a whole day before (without eating), I thought I would be ok and wouldn't automatically assume I needed to eat, just because I didn't have my packs. That lack of panic...is progress. (Last time I ate at the station...just in case!)
I walked to Harley Street and stopped in Marks & Spencer en route; this time, the shopphobe managed quite well! Normally, I would feel very anxious in a clothes shop but I looked at the merchandise and thought, wow, shopping might be fun. It might not be so scary anymore. Of course, I didn't buy anything - that would be a step too far - but at least I ventured in and didn't freak out! I did have to keep breathing. Slowly.
I then walked to Marylebone and past a very famous beauty salon; I thought, aha, I know how I can reward myself (for the weight loss), I'll have my eyebrows done. As I walked in, the editor of Vogue walked out! This, I realise, is how food addicts can celebrate their successes; by doing something different and that's FOR them! Of course, the salon didn't have an appointment that fitted in with my schedule but at least I walked in and enquired.
Then I got to Harley Street.
My experience, to date, of infertility clinics has been mixed but one thing is sure - eye contact is absolutely not a feature of any waiting room. There were several women already sitting there and when I walked in, everyone averted their gaze. And it stayed like that for ages because I had to wait a LONG time! I tried to smile at people but to no avail. Since most of us were on our own, surely a connection with someone else would have made a difference? What happened to sisterhood?
The appointment went well - better than the doctor expected, I think because he repeated - "ok -considering your age"!!! But then I was asked to wait - to discuss the results. An hour later, I had a one minute chat with a nurse who didn't tell me anything new and who was so patronising about the diet, I wanted to smack her. I was so tired (fell asleep in the waiting room) and so cross about being kept there for so long for ... in my eyes, nothing. I left feeling thoroughly wound up. What a poor service coupled with an obviously mismanaged system! Fortunately, my friend was still free and so I walked round to her office, vented my spleen and felt a whole lot better. Food-wise, I had been fine; I drank water all day and then had a cup of tea at the office. No food passed my lips!
I then made my way up to North London for my other appointment; I was starting to feel hungry but not desperate. I went to M & S and bought a wrap that, should I need something, I could eat it. I thought about salad but it wasn't practical.
After my appointment, I made my way back to the main station where I arranged to meet my husband. We weren't due to get home until about 9pm (8.30pm, if we were lucky). To be honest, I was mildly hungry but I was pretty exhausted. In the end, I ate half the wrap and gave the other half to my husband. I felt full and didn't eat for the rest of the evening. So, apart from my vanilla pack in the morning, that was it. I didn't beat myself up over the wrap; I ate because I was hungry, didn't touch my husband's snacks and....didn't eat when I got back.
The next morning, I wondered whether I should have not eaten anything and waited until I got home; I guess I could have done that but who can say?
Today was yet another personal milestone and if I had been organised enough, I could have stayed completely abstinent. At least I managed 21,000 steps.
Glad to hear that you didn't get any negative news ... apart from the nurse of course - they should think about these things before they comment in a negative fashion - you're doing the best thing for your life and people especially medics shouldn't make you feel bad about it.
I'd have eaten the wrap too - it doesn't do you any good to starve and it was a one off situation.
Cath
x
Posted by: Cath | May 21, 2007 at 11:06 PM
I can't believe the lack of empathy you received at the clinic, mrs. I was treated at UCH and The Royal London and have nothing but praise for the way in which I was cared for. (I am thinking back 14 years or more, so it could be with rose-tinted specs, but I don't think so).
Very good of you not to eat the whole wrap, especially as you were feeling rather down. I don't think anyone could have blamed you. But good on you for not giving in.
Chris x
Posted by: chrismars | May 23, 2007 at 01:02 PM