The Lard Arms

Closed for Refurbishment - Open for Business on Monday

Hello hello

Well, I have to admit defeat and realise that I won't be posting for a few days!! How will I cope?!

The packers come tomorrow and the house looks like a bomb has hit it - literally. I cancelled a business meeting (NOT very popular), I have put my volunteering on hold (have to admit I can't do it all) and I am busy doing all those last minute activities (including getting some window samples removed - we had a full-sized window in our sitting room for two weeks).

The good thing is that I rang the gym about their 7-day offer, which ends today; of course, I hadn't managed to get there this week. What was I thinking? Anyway, they have agreed to let me try the gym in the next two weeks so I have agreed to pick up the pass on Monday after work. This is progress! So, I haven't made it to the gym but like British Rail (showing my age), I'm 'getting there'.

We move into the B&B on Saturday, so tomorrow night we will be without a TV for the football so we need to find a pub. Well, let me rephrase that; we don't NEED to - we could listen to it via the laptop! But I'd like to see Beckham play. Sad, I know.

Tomorrow will test my resolve; after managing the packers, the old me would have been more than happy to meet the husband for a few cheeky beers (bottled, not pints!) and enjoy the footie. Followed by a curry. Never mind, water is just fine. We are leaving the sofa bed in the house (I don't think we'll get it down the stairs again), which will give us the flexibility to come back and live upstairs in a couple of months' time, if we need to (budget constraints, etc). So Friday night, we will be sleeping in an empty house on the sofa bed.

On Saturday evening we are heading into London for a very special occasion (for another time), which is inconvenient but it will be fun, nonetheless.

On Sunday we will probably move the rest of our stuff into the B&B and then get ready for our open house!! The forecast is rain so rather than people milling around in the garden, we will all be in the house...with nothing to sit on!! You have to laugh.

Back to work on Monday with a long walk - the B&B is on the edge of town at the top of a long hill (am getting ready to test it out) and then the gym! It's exciting - I've got to feel positive - although I am nervous about the next 36 hours to be honest. I fear I may be up tonight until very late.

Food-wise, it's been 80% there. Well, maybe 90%. The late nights finally caught up with me last night and I ate some crisps. Salt and vinegar, if you're interested. I know, I know, I know, I know!! My husband asked me to review some documentation and it was SO late and I was SO tired - same old, same old. Anyway, more progress of sorts, I have told him UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can he buy me any more crisps. Absolutely NOT! I have had several cups of tea with milk - again, it's tiredness and being totally overwhelmed.

I am finding it tough, though. At times like this, I really can see the role that food played in my life. When we moved out of London, we stopped cooking a couple of weeks beforehand so that we could enjoy our favourite haunts 'for the last time'! This time, it's so different. Eating out just isn't an option right now - sorry, still can't face rocking up, waving a soup pack and saying this is what I'd like, please! And every time I need a break (from packing/sorting), I know I can't eat. Full stop. But in the past, I would have done, regardless of whether I was hungry or not. I'm not hungry now but I could eat. Really I could but it's all because it's another way of procrastinating and avoiding this.

I have to face up to the fact that this is an extraordinary period for us; we are both in new jobs, both tired and not only are we moving but we are (well, I am!!) organising a big building project. We've never done anything like this before and it's all unknown. And that's without thinking about whether we can do IVF in a couple of months' time or not. We are waiting for the results.

Crisps and cups of tea aside, I have stuck to the foodpacks. And I am determined to do so in the next few days.

Wish me luck, friends from Rehab for Fatties (that just made me laugh!) and I will be back in touch on Monday.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and please think of me, NOT losing the plot and wondering what the hell I have done!!!

Cheers!

Gonna Go to Rehab

I can't sleep because my mind is racing after my first session of Development.

And I've just had a lightbulb moment so have come into the office to write it down (rather than type on the laptop in bed)!

And it's all to do with disclosure/going public...whatever way you want to say it.

When I first started LighterLife, it felt like I was going into food rehab; I think I even joked about it at the time (in the blog and to the inner circle)! The comparisons that were drawn between going into abstinence (on LighterLife) from food and booze and drugs seemed to emphasise this point (at the introductory session). Then very early on the DVD talked about addictive eating rather than comfort eating. As time goes by and you get into it (ie follow Foundation), the word addiction gets sidelined because the Green Book talks about the CBT and TA take on things. Only at the end is there an article specifically about addictions. As you progress with LighterLife, there is so much to do and think about and there are the obvious signs that life is changing - we get smaller. People congratulate us and it's all very exciting.

I have been uncomfortable with the word diet but hadn't worked out why - it seemed an inadequate word for what I/we have been going through.

And now, after Development Session 1, it feels more like rehab than ever before. AND that, I realise, is why I have been uncomfortable about coming clean (no puns intended)!

Rehab is fashionable right now; celebrities are going in and out of rehab like nobody's business. This week it's Lindsay Lohan, last month it was Britney. Who knows who will be next?

But for hard-core addicts who are really struggling with their addictions, there is a sense of privacy needed as they fight their demons. How many people do you know - celebrities aside - who readily admit to going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics), OA (Overeaters) or GA (Gamblers)? Not that many.

And I guess that's why I have been reticent to say what I have been doing (ie doing LighterLife) and I only just worked it out! Doh!

Yes, the weight loss is hugely significant but it's really not been about that for me. (I don't think that's true for every single LighterLifer, either; some people have just got too big because they ate too much out of habit. Not so much to distract themselves from whatever was causing them pain but simply because they ate all the pies. And more! End of story.)

I needed to sort my head out, once and for all. I have been battling with food issues since I was a little girl (v.sad but true) and last year I entered a new decade (regrettably, not the 20s or 30s) and that's a lot of time to be living with an obsession that dominates your life in a thoroughly negative way.

There were times when food wasn't uppermost in my mind, of course, BUT the effects of using food in this way were, quite simply, devastating over a sustained period of time. I ate because I just didn't know how to handle what was going on in my life. Period. Like all addictions, food offered me an escape route but it was only ever temporary and, as our LLC has said on more than one occasion, food is the one addiction that everyone can see.

I have been on so many diets, been bulimic and then gone the other way ie I'll eat what I want and not feel guilty about it (because that would be better than purging, of course). In fact, I just won't feel anything about food, full stop.

And because we live in a judgemental society, first impressions count. I've even talked to clients (when I had my business) about the importance of the first 3 seconds, knowing full well that I was not making the best impression myself (yet being unable to deal with it). There is a great book called, Blink! by Malcolm Gladwell that discusses this fully; it's a fantastic read, as is his other book, The Tipping Point.

But I am getting distracted; the point I want to make is that I feel as if I have been in rehab (then got used to it and the programme became about the weight loss) and now I'm back - still here in rehab - facing those demons as before but with less of me present.

I guess I am trying to square what I am really doing with what I tell the outside world that I am doing, if that makes sense.

Does anyone else feel the same? Ironically, more than ever, I realise that this whole process is SO not about the food.

Development 1 Session

Well, that was an experience I don't feel inclined to repeat in a hurry!!

I've already said that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive about Development - the great unknown and all that but it was so much more intense than I expected and I've come home feeling vulnerable, out of sorts and generally quite antsy.

My overwhelming feeling is that this feels like rehab (or what I imagine rehab to feel like).

AND although I want to eat a pack (hot banana custard), I know that if I ate it now it would be purely to stop feeling so ... scared.

Of course, I appreciate it's not going to be the same as Foundation; how could it be? But, if I'm honest, I had started to feel happy in Foundation - you know, like the swot at school - doing my homework, contributing, being honest BUT feeling safe. And succeeding!

I remember I cried when we did the Mastery session, which was totally unexpected and, therefore, uncomfortable but at least I didn't feel judged by the others.

Tonight I think I went with the wrong attitude; I told myself I was nervous and...I went in nervous. I didn't find the group initially very warm; clearly there is a confidence and an intimacy between them so my fellow Foundation people from last week (two others and me) felt like the new girls at school ie outsiders.

During Foundation, weighing, etc is over and done with very quickly (particularly when we were down to four) and then we had a DVD to watch; there was a lot to fit into the two hours and our LLC is super efficient and, when I look back, not that much time for chat.

Tonight, there seemed to be a lot more time for chat - before we stared properly - but it was difficult because we don't know each other.

It just felt...strange. The fundamental difference is that we are at different stages; suddenly, we are in the company of women who have had phenomenal weight losses. Up until now, apart from our LLC, I have only known successful LighterLifers through the internet. I had so many questions to ask them; I guess I was a bit star struck (that's the only way I can describe how I felt - I was in awe of their achievements).

We then did the questions that Lesley did in her Development class; here they are:

What colour best describes your personality TODAY and why?

I said blue because I felt apprehensive.

What vehicle best describes how you see yourself TODAY and why?

I said a Ford Fiesta because it was reliable (to be honest, I didn't know what to say).

What style of footwear best describes you today and why?

I said MBT because they are good for walking (and it's what I was wearing).

If you were an animal, bird or fish, what would you be and why?

I said dog simply because I am missing mine so much.

What famous character do you most identify with and why? It could be a fictional character, dead or alive.

I said Oprah Winfrey but purely because I really admire her and think she is truly inspirational and has done such a lot for women (not because she was once bigger!).

We had to interview the person next to us and introduce them to the group with their answers rather than our own.

We then had to introduce ourselves with the following information:

How much weight have you lost with LighterLife?

What was the reason for you choosing LighterLife?

What has been the biggest change for you so far?

I volunteered to go first "to get it over and done with", I said. I started with the weight loss - 3stone3lbs to date (lost a pound this week!) - and then talked about having moved out of London, my eating being out of control, considering Rosemary Conley for their big losses (but doing nothing), feeling depressed, etc.

I then said the biggest difference to me was exceeding my own expectations and then...I started to cry. Where did that come from? I talked about the fact that LighterLife had saved me; I said it wasn't so much about the weight loss right now but the dramatic difference in how I feel mentally. And then I cried some more. I believe I said it had saved me about three times!!

I then felt incredibly embarrassed and vulnerable and...just utterly exposed. I'm documenting it now because I think it is so important to note it.

No one else cried and that compounded my feelings of ... inadequacy and acute embarrassment. (As I read this back, I want to say, get over yourself!)

Fortunately, I was able to walk back with two women from the group (who seemed so different to each other) and apologised for crying. They, of course, were totally lovely and supportive and said they weren't just trying to pacify me with their reassurance. We had a really frank discussion on the tube, which was SUCH an eye opener. They are at a different stage of their journey and I guess I had so many questions, I didn't know where to start.

As I am mindful of respecting everyone's privacy, so I shall make a decision as we go along to see what I write about and what I don't.

The other thing that strikes me - with a bit of physical distance and space from the meeting - is how much pain was in that room. Yes, these people have made dramatic changes - not just to their physical appearance but to the way they live their lives - and they are upbeat and positive but when describing what brought them to LighterLife, it was incredibly sad. Not so much for specific events but the effects that overeating and being overweight had created for them. More than once, I heard the phrase "could not bear to look at myself in the mirror" and more than once people alluded to the fact that they had stopped "living". Well, of course, I know I had stopped "living" too but hearing people talk in this way was...unbelievable - I just haven't been in any situation like that before. (Actually, that's not strictly true but it was for a completely different reason and grief was the trigger.)

But, if I think about it some more, I realise that the pain that I observed is also my own pain, which I am only really beginning to understand and appreciate. The end of Foundation is all about gearing up for the next stage and reaching a milestone; Development is more introspective and uncertain.

I came home feeling really out of sorts but now, having written this, I feel better. I am going to head for bed after having a bath and a hot chocolate. Banana custard can wait!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Stayed up far too late last night...blogging! Not good. Woke up this morning feeling so tired with awful cramps (TOTM) so self-pity is sky high. It didn't help that my husband happily volunteered some 'I told you so' comments as he left the house at 6.30am. I also have to write a long letter to our surveyor before going to work; meant to do it at the weekend but didn't. The critical parent in me is saying I should have done it by now!

Jumped on the scales, hoping to see that I had gone down - just a pound - to 11 stone. Have I? Have I, heck! I am back up to 11stone 3lbs. Grrrrrr!

I am not going to eat in defiance (there is nothing TO eat in the house!) or anything like that but I have got some skimmed milk to have with my tea at work (had it over the weekend). Feeling like this, in pain (and it's really bad - the special prescription pain killers are doing nothing), tired, etc, I just cannot face black tea or mint tea.

So, that's me. I allowed myself a five minute update but must sign off now. Hope everyone has a good week and Lesley, good luck with the house purchase. These are exciting times!

Adios, fellow fat fighting friends. xxxxxxx

Self Esteem - Social Vaccine?

The great thing about being incredibly busy (with a looming deadline) is that there is no time for low self esteem because the deadline becomes the priority. That pretty much sums up today; I haven't gone very far and we have just been working against the clock.

This week is going to be so busy; it's back to work tomorrow and then I am going into London for my first Development meeting. It finishes much later than my Foundation sessions so it will be a very LONG day and I am unlikely to post much between now and the end of the week. I feel very apprehensive about Development - I don't know what to expect and who to expect! Silly, I know.

So back to self esteem.

I invariably work better under pressure BUT find the run up incredibly stressful and am full of anxiety and self doubt. Post-deadline is even worse because then I just chastise myself for all the things I didn't do. But anyway, enough about me; I am writing this post now because I have been meaning to for several days and then I read about someone else whose self-esteem is low right now and so it seemed appropriate. I also have to have the work and money chats this week, which I have been avoiding...

This is a follow up from the last self esteem piece; several of you commented or emailed me direct to say you did the self-esteem for women test and none of us scored that highly. That CAN'T be coincidence!

So, I did a bit more research (not much, it IS midnight) and I want to combine it with Goombagirl's email because I think we could all benefit from it.

The BBC has a nice summary; check it out:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_esteem.shtml

And then I found another test, which, if you have the time, is shorter than the last one and may help you identify some areas of your own that need...support!

http://testyourself.netdoctor.co.uk/interactivetests/selfesteem.php

Here is my result, which you may find interesting...

You have scored 48.

What your scoring means

Many people think you are confident and in charge of your life. You're not so sure! It may be that you had a difficult upbringing with parents who were too demanding of you. Or perhaps you have Always felt that you're not as bright as other people think you are. Or maybe you feel unlovable.

If you're in a relationship, it's likely that you'll Often feel anxious about it. Sometimes you may worry that you'll 'muck things up'. You may also have serious concerns that your partner will 'find you out' and decide you're not worth loving.

Have a look at the article called 'Self- esteem', which is on this website in the Sex and Relationships section. There are plenty of tips in there to help you. And if you do a bit of work on improving your self-esteem, you'll find that you have fewer worries and that life runs more smoothly.

A few people on Minimins recommended the Dove firming cream for toning up the loose skin; well, lo and behold, Dove are also doing stuff on self-esteem via their Campaign for Real Beauty (and, as an aside, one friend of mine who is in her 70s was asked to go to a casting so they do use 'real' women!)

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/supports.asp?section=campaign&id=93

I then found these, which I thought were helpful pointers:

Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

Social withdrawal
Anxiety and emotional turmoil
Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
Less social conformity
Eating disorders
Inability to accept compliments
An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
Accentuating the negative
Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think
Self neglect
Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
Worrying whether you have treated others badly
Reluctance to take on challenges
Reluctance to trust your own opinion
Expect little out of life for yourself

Source: http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips.html

Goombagirl's Email

Hiya Mrs L, I was reading a short article in Good Housekeeping about... low self-esteem! I'll type out some of the interesting bits for you - and maybe it'll stick in my head better that way.

"It becomes a vicious cycle. You start to believe you're not clever/pretty/interesting enough. Then without being aware of it, you may start to surround yourself with people who reinforce all those feelings. It becomes difficult to appreciate your successes, and all too easy to notch up the failures."

And how to change:

Fake it Pick a task or a situation and pretend, just for the duration of it, that you are a confident, assertive person. Alternatively, model your behaviour on someone you admire who always seems to cope. Notice how different you feel and how other people react to you when you do so. Keep trying this in different situations and in a short time you won't be pretending any more. Your confidence will start to become real.

Go easy on yourself Perfectionism is one of the worst traps that people with low self-esteem set for themselves. It's a no-win situation. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. if you don't succeed at something, give yourself credit for trying and for your perseverance, and don't let failure discourage you.

Mark your successes If your confidence is low, every minor setback becomes ingrained in your psyche and the good stuff just passes you by. Don't let it. After every important meeting or event, jot down what you did well and feel pleased with yourself about - then re-read it at the end of the day.

Learn to give and receive compliments It's human nature to accept criticisms more readily than compliments. In fact psychologists suggest that we need 10 compliments to counter the effect of just one criticism. Don't dismiss the compliments people give you. Accept them with thanks and a smile. And give yourself compliments too; praise yourself for small as well as big things. Remember to compliment other people, too - it makes both of you feel good.

Let go and move on Avoid replays of negative experiences, whether it's a meeting in which you performed badly or a row with a friend. Acknowledge what happened, work out the lessons you can learn from it, make amends if you need to, then leave it behind. Replaying it in your mind consumes valuable energy and reinforces negative beliefs.

Look for the positive Low self-esteem and low expectations go hand in hand. You approach a new situation thinking about how you're going to fail rather than what you're going to learn. Make an effort to reframe your thinking, so you concentrate on the positive. Instead of saying, 'I've never done this before - I'm bound to fail@, make a list of things you would like to learn from the situation.

There you go - easy as ABC! Actually there is some quite sensible stuff in there - a bit daunting though. It seems to fit in well with the LL approach.

Well, it's not a magic wand but I found it quite interesting.

I'd like to thank GG via this blog for writing all this out and if you have found it useful, please comment! For most of us, this is such an important issue so please just let me know if you feel it was beneficial reading any of this post.

Thanks and have a great week ahead.

PS I rang the gym and will go on Wednesday; I also emailed Debenhams to book a personal shopper! Yes, I really did. My best friend suggested it and because I am doing a course at the end of June AND doing a talk at a girls school in July, the one pair of jeans and decent top just won't do.

My Week 14 Starts Here

So, I have now completed 13 weeks on LighterLife. As I have said a couple of times, I started a few days after we commenced Foundation and the first session is called Week 1. By the time you end Foundation, you've really done 13 weeks not 14. They also talk about being in abstinence for 100 days; well, I've just worked it all out and my 100 days will be on the same day as my Week 2 Development session!

I am determined to be in the 10stones range when I complete 100 days; in fact, I'd like to be at least a couple of pounds into the 10 stones range by then.

As you know, I have been getting ever so slowly more frustrated with the plateau I seemed to hit. I was 11 stone 2lbs on my own scales on Saturday 19 May (over a week ago) then the scales went higher but not lower, oscillating between 11stone3 and 11stone2. Anyway, this morning, I jumped on, praying that there would have been a shift. And there was; a pound. A single solitary pound but a pound is fine by me. Tomorrow is week 1 of Development and I really, really, really want my scales to say 11stone tomorrow. I won't beat myself up if it doesn't happen but with my new motivated towards hat on, I feel these mini goals could be the difference that makes the difference (typical NLP phrase).

In the meantime, I still get the Weight Watchers weekly email newsletter from the time that I was an online member (it made a change from going to the classes and, to be honest, I was to embarrassed to go back). This week's subject is...plateaus and since a couple of us have slowed down for whatever reason - the weather, water retention, TOTM, I thought I'd let you know what WW are saying:

http://www.weightwatchers.co.uk/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=29401

Are you frustrated that your weight loss has slowed down or maybe even stopped despite your continued efforts? If so, then read on to discover how to get back on track…

Plateaus
Plateaus are an unwelcome, but common, occurrence amongst individuals on a weight loss plan or those with a reduced calorie intake. Often a new diet makes a real impact at the outset, but weight loss seems to get frustratingly slow down as your body adjusts to its new calorie intake.

The 'Science' Bit!
A larger, heavier body will use more calories to move around, so as you lose weight and your outline becomes smaller, your body will typically use less calories. Also, as you lose weight, you may lose lean muscle tissue as well as fat which may cause your metabolism (the rate at which your body burns calories) to drop as muscle tissue burns more calories than other body tissue at rest.

A body which has a severely restricted calorie intake may actually slow its metabolism down in order to try and save energy. The body is highly adaptable and very clever. If a body is severely restricted of the energy it needs, it will slow down to try to preserve body mass and prevent starvation.

How to Beat the Plateaus
Exercise is a wonderful 'plateau-buster'! Exercise can help to reduce the loss of lean muscle tissue that occurs during weight loss and also burns calories, thereby assisting weight loss.

Aerobic exercise such as hiking, running, and cycling, is great for blasting calories and fat, and can help to boost the metabolism. Resistance exercise such as lifting weights will help to build muscle tissue once you have reached your weight loss goal, which will raise the body's metabolism - meaning you will burn more calories while at rest.

So, I think I know the answer; I STILL haven't called the gym to claim my week's free membership BUT I had a bit of a light bulb moment this morning. Yesterday was unnecessarily long and drawn out, my husband and I were really tetchy with each other and add PMT into the mix and it's not a happy outcome for either of us. I also made the mistake of drinking loads of water in the early evening so even though I was in bed for 8.30pm, I didn't get to sleep until 11pm. Hmmmm!

I realise that if I had gone out and done some exercise (FOR ME), I think it would have helped yesterday's feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed. Our neighbour opposite is currently doing triathlons; she said she loves doing them because it's something away from the kids, away from home and work and it's something just for her. I am beginning to see that I might be able to view exercise in the same way. Now this really would be a first for me; it's always been something I HAVE to do not CHOOSE to do. Wouldn't that be incredible if I could change my mindset and choose to train? In spite of being completely in awe of Lesley's efforts (and I truly have been so impressed but can't seem to convey just how much), I haven't done anything about my own exercise (beyond walking).

If you have seen the LighterLife DVDs, you may remember that there is one woman who had the realisation that she "might actually be slim...a perfectly slim person". It was such a big moment for her because, of course, she'd always thought of herself as big (or fat).

Since listening to Greg Dyke on Desert Island Discs last Friday, I can't get a Bruce Springsteen track out of my mind (I really don't like Bruce but my mum LOVES him!).

If I can change my whole take on exercise, I find myself wondering, could it be that I was born to run (sorry, cheesy joke but I had to say it)? Oh my goodness! I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed now by the fact that I might learn to enjoy exercise! I've also come to another realisation - based on the 'how do you learn' session about mastery. I need support when I am learning something new so...I might need a personal trainer to help me get started. NOT as an indulgence but as another tool to help me get where I want to go! Yes, I do have my Bodydoctor book but if I could get a trainer to help me work in the Bodydoctor way, that would be even better - particularly as I have to be careful about exercise and my bl***y condition. Just a few sessions to help me on my way...

I'm going to make that phone call today. Yes, I am!

Thank You and Goodnight

Hello Everyone

Thanks so much for the really thoughtful and helpful comments about going public. You've given me plenty to think about and I am confident I will come up with a solution, particularly with these great ideas.

It's 8.30pm and I have come to bed. I came upstairs at 8.00pm to have a bath and now am ready to go to sleep. I think this is the best reward I can give myself after the day of sorting, shredding, recycling, donating that we have had. I am hoping to wake up early and spend some time catching up on everyone's blogs; I was going to do it tonight but am too tired. (Goombagirl - I did crash and burn as Flylady would say...)

I've stayed 95% on the straight and narrow. I am still very pre-TOTM so craving sweet things over savoury and much more hungry than normal.

I split the strawberry pack - as a mousse - with a nut bar over the morning and lunch. I then had about two cups of Marigold throughout the afternoon. At about 7pm, I had two hot chocolates, with about 30 mins in between.

I had a tiny bite of my husband's Double Decker; can you believe I have never tried one? He was furious with me - not for taking his chocolate but for eating anything. I also had a fingernail-sized bite of a reduced fat HobNob (my husband got sweet cravings in the afternoon and went shopping for Battenberg cake! He wasn't successful). I stayed at home and carried on; I felt if I left the house, I would go a bit bonkers, feeling even more deprived than I already did.

Today was a massive test; it's the sort of day that I find really challenging - trying to work through all the paperwork and 'stuff' that we have accumulated since we moved. So, I wasn't 100% abstinent but pretty close. It could have been worse and I want to document (for myself) that this sort of day needn't mean a binge or continuous snacking, as a distraction.

My wake up weight was 11stone2lbs and going to sleep weight was 11stone7lbs.

I just hope that I can sleep through until tomorrow without waking up at 5 or 6am. Wishing you all a really lovely Bank Holiday Monday and hope the weather doesn't mean you need to switch on the heating (as we have had to).

Paul McKenna - Desert Island Discs

I feel as if I am a one-woman Paul McKenna PR machine but it really isn't as it seems. Anyway, if you are NOT venturing out on this rainy, cold May Bank Holiday weekend, then you might want to listen to Radio 4.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/desertislanddiscs.shtml

Paul McKenna will be on Desert Island Discs today at 11.10/11.15am. Sadly, Desert Island Discs is not on Listen Again so you can either catch it today or next Friday morning at 9am.

Should be interesting (you may notice LL quote from his book on the DVDs).

Enjoy.

Busy Going Nowhere

So, another day is here (Sunday) and my weight has stayed the same. I'm feeling...frustrated. I'm not nearly as bad as I was and I thought I was remarkably sanguine about the zero weight loss last week.

But now I'm feeling slightly thwarted in my efforts because I think it's been like this for about a week - I need to check my diary. The obsessiveness has reduced but I'm not feeling very pleased about the figures this morning. I am desperate to get down to 11 stone on my scales, which would still leave me in the 11s on my LLC's scales.

At the bottom of all this, is the real fear that I will stall at this weight - in the same way I did at 13 stone (not on this diet but my own of 18 months ago).

Anyway, no time to dwell on this because the chores are calling - we are still tackling the office!

Last night we walked to the recycling unit with clothes and paper (our own paper boxes - double the amount most people use - are already stuffed full) and then my hubby wanted to go to the pub for a "quick pint"; he said we would be home by 8pm. We got home at midnight....

In short, we met our estate agent in the pub with his girlfriend (we get on well with him but don't know him very well and had never met his other half) and my husband wanted to stay. The other couple are both big drinkers and smokers (I used to be a social smoker - apart from chain smoking through my finals - but have become quite intolerant and my husband used to smoke until we started on the whole baby thing, which was several years ago). Our local is very old so has low ceilings and...it's a bit of smoke den.

My NOT drinking became an issue. Again. I've noticed bon viveurs like everyone to join in - it's "if I'm drinking, you must be drinking too". I just said I'm on a detox but several drinks later this wasn't working. So then they asked me if I was pregnant (they know nothing about our situation). In the end, because I think if you say it's a diet most people (in the social setting we were in) won't accept that as a reason for NOT drinking. So then I said, look I'm on a medical regime, which is very strict. Not drinking is no fun, I said but I just have to do it. Unfortunately, in their drunken states, I think they believed I was ill (as in seriously ill) and then I just felt such a fraud.

The irony is, the medical aspect (suggested by LL as a get out clause) is not a lie for me; I've got this genetic disorder (diagnosed last year) that could turn nasty - in a serious illness kind of way - but it might not. It partly manifests itself on the skin and there are certain things that aggravate it. When doing LighterLife I had secretly hoped it would improve the condition but it doesn't seem to have made a massive difference.

In the early days, I told another local friend I was doing this regime for medical reasons and explained all about the condition. Not to dramatise it but just to explain why. I have since come clean and said it's more about weight loss but with a medical aspect to it. I think she was slightly disappointed that I hadn't told the truth and I felt bad, too.

Anyway, another local person from the pub joined us later in the evening and said, "hasn't she lost so much weight, hasn't she done well!" when looking at me. His wife is the one person in our pub that I have told what I am doing (she has a weight issue) and she obviously told her other half. THAT conversation happened because she hadn't seen me for ages and couldn't believe how different I looked. She wanted to know all about it because...weight's an issue for her and her husband.

Anyway, back to last night, I know it sounds ridiculous but I felt so uncomfortable; I HATE lying but I don't have the confidence to say "I'm on a diet so I am not drinking. End of story".

Next weekend we are having an informal open house for the neighbours and for local friends that we have made. It's to say sorry to all our neighbours for all the work that's going on and for the different people we've met to meet each other. It's not a party as such as there will be no furniture to sit on and we'll be serving food and drinks on plastic! I guess it will be like a warehouse party - the venue is stripped bare!

I think my weight is going to come up; people ARE noticing and I want to (rather than need to) find a way that I can explain what I have been doing that's consistent and doesn't require me to lie AND which doesn't require me to explain exactly what LighterLife is.

Remember, I am someone who doesn’t like to call attention to themselves and if people know I am on a diet, I fear that they will look at what I am eating (or NOT eating and drinking) and comment on it. Having been vegetarian for so long and for having had to justify what I ate - people like to preach and/or throw in their opinions for free , with very little prompting, – I just can’t face it all over again.

Blogger's Guilt

I do guilt very well because...well, apart from having low self esteem (which we've established), I'm also Catholic. Are the two related? Not sure but both mean I can do guilt on a massive scale, if necessary!

Anyway, I am so pleased that this site is generating some comments between us as we go through this rollercoaster ride of losing weight (yes) but, more important, of changing our relationship with food. I have found the online support infinitely more helpful than my group but that's ok! (Small attempt at TA joke there...probably not v.funny at all!) In our group, all food chat is severely limited and I tried to limit the food chat here but then, well, one thing led to another and suddenly this wasn't a food-free zone anymore. But that didn't seem to matter until Goombagirl wrote this (without any intention of making me feel guilty, I am sure):

"I went shopping yesterday and thought to myself, "It would be handy to have some nutella in the cupboard.." Why?? Handy?? Didn't buy it but it wasn't until I looked on here this morning that I realised why I'd thought about Nutella."

Oh dear, that wasn't the intention at all. At least Goombagirl is far enough along the road of enlightenment to realise that Nutella is NEVER a handy item for the cupboard! Funnily enough, there is a piece in today's Times about cutting calories and instead of a petit pain au chocolat (Lesley, look away now!), Amanda Ursell suggests some healthy bread with...chocolate spread. Is there some sort of Nutella conspiracy going on, I wonder?

Anyway, Goombagirl's other comments got me thinking too:

"OK so I'm going to refer to THE BOOK again (Gillian Riley: Eating Less). The nutella incident called to mind the author's experience with a pork pie! ..... Whilst looking through THE BOOK to find the pork pie bit I noticed that she writes lots about self-esteem too. In fact I think LL should give us this book - it is so relevant to what we do in foundation and beyond."

LighterLife do refer to Gillian Riley's book in their DVDs but the name was ringing a bell (say something often enough and someone finally listens) and I was going to email GG to ask her if the book had an orange cover...so I went into the office.

As we are in the process of packing up, this is forcing me to be slightly more ruthless with my belongings than I was six months ago. So I went to my bookshelves and lo and behold, I do have a Gillian Riley book..."Beating overeating...The Lazy Person's Guide"! Well, you have to laugh; I certainly did!

And that prompted me to look on my shelves for other food-related and diet-related books (I had already done a massive cull, including the one about set point theory) so I didn't expect to find that many. Boy, how wrong I was! And this list does not include all my cookery books.

Here is my reduced reading list:

Gut Feelings - From Fear and Despair to Health and Hope by Carnie Wilson (if you don't know Carnie's story - take a peek here - )
I'm Still Hungry - Finding Myself Through Thick and Thin by Carnie Wilson

When your body gets the blues - The clinically proven programme for women who feel tired and stressed and eat too much - Marie-Annette Brown PhD, RN and Jo Robinson

Slimming with Pete - Taking the weight off body AND mind by Pete Cohen and Judith Verity
Lighten Up - The last diet book you'll ever need by Pete Cohen and Judith Verity

Fat is a Feminist Issue - (yes, I really did read that seminal text) by Susie Orbach

The Food Trap - A Self Help Plan to Control Your Eating Habits by Paulette Maisner with Rosemary Turner

The Mind & Body Diet by Colin Rose

Holistix - The Revolutionary New Approach to Looking and Feeling Great by Carole Caplin (yes, she of Cherie Blair fame!)

Make the Connection - Ten Steps to a Better Body and a Better Life by Bob Greene AND Oprah Winfrey

Fattitudes - Beat Self Defeat and Win Your War with Weight by Jeffrey R Wilbert, PhD and Norean K Wilbert, BSN, RN, CHE (recommended by Anne Diamond when I bought her autobiography AND diet book!)

The Solution - Never Diet Again by Laurel Mellin, MA, RD
The Pathway - Follow the Road to Health and Happiness - Turn off the Drive to overeat, spend, overwork, smoke, drink too much, rescue others, put up walls, think too much, people please by Laurel Mellin.

Body Clutter - love your body, love yourself by Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely
(Check out their website www.flylady.net - it's great for the domestically challlenged!)
Fit for Life - The Weight Loss Plan That Proves It's Not WHAT You Eat, But When and How! By Harvey and Marilyn Diamond.

Now, what is interesting about this list is how there are a couple of recurring themes - never diet again/last diet book you'll ever need and ... relationships with food and overeating. I have these books and have read them all but I still ended up at the beginning of this year, with my eating very much out of control and needing something drastic like LighterLife. Maybe I was doing too much theoretical reading and not enough practical work!

And I haven't even touched on my self-help stuff....

Anyway, I think I have learnt another valuable lesson; it's time to say goodbye to hiding away and reading as much as I possibly can about a subject (researching it to the enth degree). It's time to start living. I know that sounds a bit evangelical and a bit "Say Yes to Life" but do you know what I mean?

I remember Jack Canfield saying that he had a cupboard full of trade magazines that he felt he SHOULD read because then he would be better informed and that would make him feel slightly more confident. He was hanging onto them because he felt he should (deliberate language) and because he lacked enough self-esteem to just wing it. Of course, those days are long gone; Jack has full self-esteem (http://www.jackcanfield.com)! But not in an arrogant way, which is why I like him - he used to lecture on self-esteem. I think this is what I have been doing – hanging onto stuff (books and magazines, in particular), hanging onto weight, hanging onto the past – just because, somewhere, somehow, I’ve made a connection that these things will help me operate in the world. Of course they won’t!

So, at the end of the day, is it all down to self-worth? Have I been eating addictively because I just don't like myself enough?

Over to you...