Session 12 also deals with mastery - or mastering delayed gratification when you've probably been operating with instant gratification uppermost in your mind. You know the sort of thing, "I want it now. NOW!". If you have ever eaten in a hurry (regardless of whether you are hungry), with a determination that seemed unstoppable, you'll know what I mean by instant gratification. You may not have enjoyed what you stuffed down (literally) BUT you will have put a stop to whatever feeling you were experiencing and that you didn't like. Eating was a better way to suppress that discomfort and pain than to face up to what was really going on.
One of the exercises was to look at what we had mastered in our own lives ie what had we learnt to do (and were proud of)?
Well, I just sat there and felt uncomfortable. Our LLC talked about learning to walk, talk, drive, etc ie by the time we're adults we've usually mastered lots of things. Rationally, I knew this to be the case but I couldn't write anything down. Emotionally I just felt...crap. And this was in a totally safe environment.
In the end, the woman next to me started to write things down and I copied hers! We even laughed about it and said that I had mastered...copying. But the sad fact of the matter is that I struggled to do this exercise, which shows that I must (no, want to!) work on this area.
We also had to look at HOW we learn to do things ie master them? When I looked at the things that I had mastered (one of them was being a dog owner!), I realised that some things were instinctive but the most successful areas were achieved through practice, practice, practice and....SUPPORT ie not doing something on my own.
This was my lightbulb moment. Why?
Well, at the moment, LighterLife is feeling like one of the best things I have ever done. Yes, I have thrown myself into it (who doesn't?) - I've followed the diet (not 100% but more than ever before), I did a lot of research before I started, I blog, I belong to an online forum - I do all of these things. But why is LighterLife working for me this time in a way that no other diet has? It is, quite simply, down to practice and SUPPORT because I've done lots of different food diets but not lost as much as this. And the online support has made ALL the difference (thank you girls, you know who you are). I am not doing this on my own.
When I do look at the achievements in my life, most of them have not been done in isolation. But before I started LighterLife, I saw having to lose weight as me being on my own, having to deal with it by myself and even if I joined a slimming club (whatever the brand), I'd still be on my own. Even with a class. And since I didn't have any real faith in myself and my ability to lose weight, the weight loss never happened on a sustained basis. Yes, I have lost a couple of stones - through a lot of hard work and pain - but they came back again. Several times over.
So, the upshot of all this navel gazing, is that if I want to master things in the future, I need to practise, practise, practise but I also need to find the right support. In all sorts of contexts, I realise, this can be applied and it's SO liberating. I cried at the end of our session this week because that is how I feel - finally free.
For the majority of my life (yes, food has been an issue since I was very young ie 6 years old), I have been obsessed by food. The emotions may be mixed - happy, sad, indifferent - but it always came back to food. Cutting it out. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating the wrong type. Eating the right type. Eating alone. Eating with others. Every time I ate something, my mind was going into overdrive - even if it was to suppress the volcano of feelings that could erupt at any moment. I just didn't know how to get a handle on it.
But I now realise that a mixture of using and trusting my instinct, practising/repeating what I need to learn and finding the right support is what I have done THIS time and what I will need to do in the future to make things happen, in the right way, for me.
I don't for one minute think that my issues with food have gone away but I do feel a few steps closer to finding a way of existing, without being tormented and tortured by crooked thinking about food.
You are damned right about the support. But it's support YOU have created and called for yourself through your actions in starting and maintaining a blog and going on the forums so it's double whammy! You've been adult enough to get out there and do something about it but also adult enough to accept help and rely on others!! What progress you've/we've made.
I include myself wholeheartedly in your lightbulb moment and thank you for it. Maybe not shedding a tear but definitely wet eyes. The realisation that this is for life has been sinking in for the last few weeks. Although I've been doing lots and posting about mostly surface matters recently - I'm getting ready for some more serious head work. So, watch this space (well - not this space - mine - you know what Imean!!).
You're doing very well MRS - we all have different strengths and while mine might be letting it all hang out and being an exercise/visual inspiration, yours is the analysis and making us all think more deeply about what LL means to us. Keep it up - I really appreciate it!
Lesley x
Posted by: Lesley | May 13, 2007 at 09:27 AM
I can fully understand you feeling that LL is one of the best things you've done - your feelings though of the support helping you through it though are a bit off skew .... yes the support you have is there (and here) to help you but it's only here because you made it be so. You could have not posted in minimims, not wrote your own blog, and not commented on other peoples blogs and gone through this whole thing on your own but YOU put the work in and YOU made the difference to what could have been a lonely journey and you should take the credit for that. Also the hardest part of this you are doing on your own, you're doing the abstaining and your chasing your crooked thoughts away - you may have us sat on your shoulders with wittering little voices in your ears but you're still the one doing all the hard work.... and you're doing it bloody well.
Cath
x
Posted by: Cath | May 13, 2007 at 10:54 AM
With the problems I've experienced trying to do LL and CD there's no way I could have continued without the support of everyone on these blogs - yourself, mrs, cath, mel, claire, lesley, ameythist, wendy, sam. We have all helped each other when needed and been there for the laughs and the tears throughout. A lonely diet vigil is only set for failure, I think.
I love your posts, mrs. As I said to you once before, it's great that you and Lesley breakdown the sessions each week. I don't feel I'm missing out so much and I can follow in my green book.
Keep it up! Chris x
Posted by: chrismars | May 14, 2007 at 02:57 PM