Ooooh, What's Gone Wrong?

It's been a rocky few days - food-wise. Is that why I haven't posted? Not at all, it's just been so busy. And that's the problem.

On Friday evening, after having a really good day - I suddenly went into meltdown. My husband was going to be really late and instead of being sensible and saying, ok, well I am going straight to bed and we'll catch up tomorrow, I felt bad because he was saying how much he missed me and could I stay up and wait for him to come home. And could I put the oven on for him (for another ready meal)? The thing is, I know this new job is really taking it out of him and so I did stay up and asked him to make sure he brought some crisps home. I know, I know - this is BEYOND crooked thinking - encouraging someone else to help me ditch the diet.

As it was, I went to bed but took the laptop and then got up when my husband came home when I did indeed tuck into the crisps. BUT I didn't eat the whole packet (I can imagine the shock and frustration in my fellow bloggers!); if I ate a third of the packet, it would be a pretty generous estimate. But, yes, readers, I did indeed enjoy every moment of the Walkers Salt and Vinegar crisps.

Why? Because I was tired and when I'm tired all rational thinking goes out of the window. How many times must I learn this lesson?!

The next day was the sort of Saturday my husband and I really hate - he had work to do and I had to, finally, tackle the paperwork. I'm not talking about an in-tray's worth - I had at least four HUGE plastic boxes full of paper - in no particular order. It's stuff that I haven't sorted since before the move and that I have just piled into box, after box, to clear the floor in the office. It's a mixture of work and personal stuff. Ironically, at my new work, my desk is immaculate but do I treat myself/my home office with the same organisation? Of course not! A self-esteem issue, methinks!

There was no getting away from tackling this problem; we move out in two weeks' time and I am leaving the two metal filing cabinets here (leftover from running my business at home) but that's it. The house will be emptied and put into storage. I need to prioritise what goes away for 3 - 4 months, what comes with us to the B&B and what stays here, possibly inaccessible as the house becomes a building site.

In the past, I would have done ANYTHING to avoid this paperwork because it felt so overwhelming; eaten, gone out, stayed in but avoided the paperwork, watched TV, read - you name it, I would have done it - but the guilt would have made me feel super anxious. So I probably would have eaten some more - just to help me get through the monumental task. When I had a team (at work), they used to laugh at me as I struggled with a clean desk policy; I used to sweep everything into the desk drawer - just to hide it! Organised administration has never been a strong point - ideas come more easily - but a logical, methodical approach? Forget it.

So I started yesterday and it was all going well. Then I had a cup of coffee (with milk). All fine. Then I had a bar. Again, all fine. I was working through the boxes. OK, the milk was not allowed unless your LLC has given you the go-ahead during "milk week", which our LLC has not mentioned at all. Then, as I kept taking mini-breaks from the admin', I decided to do a thought record. It helped...for a while. I also did some surfing. And then I gave up because I had to go out for my acupuncture appointment.

When I came home, the FA cup final was on - hubby was watching it - and he wanted us to watch it together. Before we were a couple - when we were "just friends", we watched the FA cup final, sitting - very chastely - on the same sofa but apart! We laugh at it now! Anyway, what did I do? I felt guilty about the house being a complete tip, felt guilty about the unfinished paperwork and slightly annoyed that my husband hadn't washed up so I went into the kitchen and busied myself doing chores. Remember, I am NOT a domestic goddess. So, what was that about?

My husband had lots of snacks in the house (which he asked me to buy him). Whilst watching the footie, he munched his way through Hula Hoops and Haribo sweets and...I joined in. I know, I don't even eat Haribo sweets because they are not vegetarian! I had about 8 sweets and about half a packet (if that) of Hula Hoops in total. I just couldn't seem to stop myself (I know, with hindsight, of course I could!) but you know what I mean....

I didn't go mad - I could have eaten a whole packet but .... but I went out of abstinence. Again.

And then, in the evening, we went to our local and I saw someone who I haven't seen for at least 8 weeks. She commented immediately on my weight loss (she's been both big and small) and so we chatted about LighterLife and diets but I didn't go into detail beyond the food side of things.

When she left, I started to eat my husband's dry roasted peanuts. I probably had about five nuts in total but...again, I have been in that pub loads of times since doing LighterLife and NOT touched anything.

What the hell was going on?

Two things, I think - I was still tired (we got woken up at 6 am yesterday -not good) and instead of congratulating myself for starting the administration, I felt bad that I hadn't finished. In fact, I was very angry with myself for letting things get so bad...Sounds familiar? It's exactly the same feelings I had about my weight. "How had it come to this?!?!!?", I just said to myself, over and over again.

And then, instead of relaxing with my husband and spending precious time with him - in a nostalgic way - I felt guilty about the house and felt I should be doing housework (no pressure from my husband) and so I didn't do either thing with any joy. I know the peanuts in the bar were all about eating earlier (punishing myself by eating more) and just generally having a crap day.

If I'm honest, I am also finding the comments about my size slightly disarming. They ARE good, they ARE meant well but...for someone who doesn't really like attention, this is new, unchartered territory. I make myself say 'thank you' for the compliments and last night even made a joke about saying accepting compliments but...even so, I felt uncomfortable.

We soon left the pub because I told my husband I just needed to get home and go to bed or at least remove myself from food.

I can even hear the comments "STAY AWAY FROM THE CRISPS" that were posted on this blog!

Sadly, the hormones are playing up right now and I am genuinely more hungry again (this has been a pattern during LL and TOTM), have abdominal cramps and feel tired. It's not a happy combination.

Today has been better; I cooked for our friend and my husband - no problem. But when they went out to take her back to the station, I ate some of ciabatta bread that was left over. Well, I didn't exactly eat it, I chewed it and then spat it out. This bread has been in our freezer since I started LighterLife and I haven't been tempted. If I had thrown it out when I cleared the plates, that would have been better. But I left it on the side and when I walked past, I thought, ooh, there it is, must have some.

I think this is the worst weekend I have had at home; it's not a major binge - far from it - but it's problematic enough to make me question what is going on.

I am anxious about the house (the cost, the logistics, the thought of living in a B&B for three months), I am anxious about the IVF (can we go ahead? what will happen? blah blah blah), I am anxious about my husband working away (he hasn't got an assignment yet) and I am extremely tired after a very long week. I am missing my dog and I am anxious about work.

This isn't to make excuses but after having such a fantastic result on Wednesday, I don't seem to have been able to follow it up with being kind to myself (by staying abstinent). I am worried that the self-sabotaging behaviour is kicking in, particularly after crossing the 3 stone barrier which, psychologically, was of monumental importance to me.

In fact, instead of feeling proud of myself, I just feel ... pretty rubbish.

What's gone wrong?

Comments

[Lesley]

I know exactly where you're coming from as I was there only a few days ago. It's weird isn't it, the things we choose to "binge" on?? Not exactly a frenzied attack on glorious food is it - a few nuts and a couple of crisps!! Confronting the issue must be the way forward. We're never going to be perfect but recognising that we're not hapy with our behaviour will help to minimize the damage and prevent it happening again for a long time.

I think you have correctly identified the triggers too which should help with avoidance. I know that if I feel out of control in one area of my life, I find it harder to control my weight and exercise too. So, with all the things going on in your life it's not surprising that you have the odd blip!

Is there any way you can cut back?? Any way to simplify and give yourself a break somewhere in your life? Just a thought.

Don't beat yourself up though - you ARE doing a great job of holding everythin gtogether and your progress in working out what makes you tick is really impressive. Keep it up and it will all come good - I'm convinced. Just remember: - STEP AWAY FROM THE CRISPS MRS!!!

Lesley x

[Cath]

I think you are going through a really trying time at the moment and this is why you are picking at bits of food - it's another way of trying to cope with all the things that are happening in your life. You are doing so so well in getting through all of this but you do need to look after yourself that little bit more by not eating as by doing this you're putting more pressure on yourself by feeling bad about it and I hate to think that you're overloading yourself any more.

Big hugs are being sent your way - do your best to stay strong and if you do have a blip don't let yourself feel bad about it.

Cath
x

[chrismars]

I agree with Cath and Lesley. Really don't blame yourself about falling by the wayside on LL once or twice.

You're going through so much change at the moment, both physically (the house) and emotionally (IVF and work). No wonder you are finding it hard to cope.

Take a step back, mrs. Accept what is happening and start again. I hope you haven't fallen out of ketosis.

Chris x