I woke up thinking about Nutella. That is NOT progress, that is regression!
The only reason there is Nutella in our fridge is because I found a jar in my mum's cupboard last year and thought, oooh, that looks nice and I managed to consume about a quarter of the jar while I was there for the weekend. Not in one sitting. No, just frequent visits to the cupboard with a teaspoon.
And, as I keep saying, chocolate isn't my thing. It's beginning to not ring true, isn't it?
Anyway, in my see food, must have food approach to life, I bought a jar of Nutella when I saw it in a supermarket.
That jar has probably been there since before Christmas; it certainly hasn't been touched since January. Yet, I opened it yesterday (had some and then felt sick after four/five teaspoons) and then I went back today. It was like I was playing tennis with the should I? shouldn't I? discussion in my mind.
I looked at the jar - worked out the calories, fat content and carbohydrate content - and started eating. I probably had about one eigth of the jar. Again, I felt very calm as I was eating and kept saying that each spoonful would be my last and, then, in the end, I made myself throw the Nutella away and washed the glass jar to recycle it!
The biggest irony of all is that the Nutella was in my mum's cupboard because she had a young guest who likes it (but who can take it or leave it)!
In the past, I would have felt any of the following after eating (raiding) the Nutella - guilty for eating something that I shouldn't have; completely numb - neither guilty nor elated, just numb; thoroughly depressed - for not having the willpower to walk away; angry at myself; ashamed and guilty - well, you get the picture.
Today, when I had to prise the jar out of my hands to throw away the contents, I stopped. I drank some water and rinsed out my mouth. And what did I think? Well, it went something like this.. "well, that wasn't a very good idea and it certainly wasn't very loving behaviour to yourself".
Not once, particularly in relation to food, have I ever made the connection between bingeing (even on a relatively tiny scale) and the bingeing NOT being good for me. This was a FIRST and I can't help but think it's a tiny bit of progress, in a crooked sort of way.
Of course, no amount of Nutella should have passed my lips but, it did, and I started to recognise that this sort of behaviour hurts just one person - me. I may have known this - rationally - for many years but never felt it. Never experienced it. But now I have - I have experienced questioning myself but NOT from a place of judgement but of observation.
Anyway, that's enough chat about Nutella; I don't think it's a purchase that will be listed amongst my favourites on the online shopping list!
So, to try to keep this in-between phase between Foundation and Development as pain free as possible, I've decided to log the basics so here they are:
FRIDAY 25 MAY 2007
TOTAL NUMBER OF STEPS - 18, 879
LITRES OF WATER - 5.5/6
FOODPACKS - Banana (hot) and half a nut crunch (breakfast), half a nut crunch (lunch), chocolate x 2 (hot) - supper (7.30pm).
WEIGHT - 11.2 (AM) 11.5 (PM)
OK so I'm going to refer to THE BOOK again (Gillian Riley: Eating Less). The nutella incident called to mind the author's experience with a pork pie! I went shopping yesterday and thought to myself, "It would be handy to have some nutella in the cupboard.." Why?? Handy?? Didn't buy it but it wasn't until I looked on here this morning that I realised why I'd thought about Nutella. Whilst looking through THE BOOK to find the pork pie bit I noticed that she writes lots about self-esteem too. In fact I think LL should give us this book - it is so relevant to what we do in foundation and beyond.
Well done for throwing the reat away! And for thinking it through - that's massive progress.
Posted by: goombagirl | May 26, 2007 at 02:58 PM