Self Esteem - Social Vaccine?

The great thing about being incredibly busy (with a looming deadline) is that there is no time for low self esteem because the deadline becomes the priority. That pretty much sums up today; I haven't gone very far and we have just been working against the clock.

This week is going to be so busy; it's back to work tomorrow and then I am going into London for my first Development meeting. It finishes much later than my Foundation sessions so it will be a very LONG day and I am unlikely to post much between now and the end of the week. I feel very apprehensive about Development - I don't know what to expect and who to expect! Silly, I know.

So back to self esteem.

I invariably work better under pressure BUT find the run up incredibly stressful and am full of anxiety and self doubt. Post-deadline is even worse because then I just chastise myself for all the things I didn't do. But anyway, enough about me; I am writing this post now because I have been meaning to for several days and then I read about someone else whose self-esteem is low right now and so it seemed appropriate. I also have to have the work and money chats this week, which I have been avoiding...

This is a follow up from the last self esteem piece; several of you commented or emailed me direct to say you did the self-esteem for women test and none of us scored that highly. That CAN'T be coincidence!

So, I did a bit more research (not much, it IS midnight) and I want to combine it with Goombagirl's email because I think we could all benefit from it.

The BBC has a nice summary; check it out:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_esteem.shtml

And then I found another test, which, if you have the time, is shorter than the last one and may help you identify some areas of your own that need...support!

http://testyourself.netdoctor.co.uk/interactivetests/selfesteem.php

Here is my result, which you may find interesting...

You have scored 48.

What your scoring means

Many people think you are confident and in charge of your life. You're not so sure! It may be that you had a difficult upbringing with parents who were too demanding of you. Or perhaps you have Always felt that you're not as bright as other people think you are. Or maybe you feel unlovable.

If you're in a relationship, it's likely that you'll Often feel anxious about it. Sometimes you may worry that you'll 'muck things up'. You may also have serious concerns that your partner will 'find you out' and decide you're not worth loving.

Have a look at the article called 'Self- esteem', which is on this website in the Sex and Relationships section. There are plenty of tips in there to help you. And if you do a bit of work on improving your self-esteem, you'll find that you have fewer worries and that life runs more smoothly.

A few people on Minimins recommended the Dove firming cream for toning up the loose skin; well, lo and behold, Dove are also doing stuff on self-esteem via their Campaign for Real Beauty (and, as an aside, one friend of mine who is in her 70s was asked to go to a casting so they do use 'real' women!)

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/supports.asp?section=campaign&id=93

I then found these, which I thought were helpful pointers:

Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

Social withdrawal
Anxiety and emotional turmoil
Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
Less social conformity
Eating disorders
Inability to accept compliments
An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
Accentuating the negative
Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think
Self neglect
Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
Worrying whether you have treated others badly
Reluctance to take on challenges
Reluctance to trust your own opinion
Expect little out of life for yourself

Source: http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips.html

Goombagirl's Email

Hiya Mrs L, I was reading a short article in Good Housekeeping about... low self-esteem! I'll type out some of the interesting bits for you - and maybe it'll stick in my head better that way.

"It becomes a vicious cycle. You start to believe you're not clever/pretty/interesting enough. Then without being aware of it, you may start to surround yourself with people who reinforce all those feelings. It becomes difficult to appreciate your successes, and all too easy to notch up the failures."

And how to change:

Fake it Pick a task or a situation and pretend, just for the duration of it, that you are a confident, assertive person. Alternatively, model your behaviour on someone you admire who always seems to cope. Notice how different you feel and how other people react to you when you do so. Keep trying this in different situations and in a short time you won't be pretending any more. Your confidence will start to become real.

Go easy on yourself Perfectionism is one of the worst traps that people with low self-esteem set for themselves. It's a no-win situation. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. if you don't succeed at something, give yourself credit for trying and for your perseverance, and don't let failure discourage you.

Mark your successes If your confidence is low, every minor setback becomes ingrained in your psyche and the good stuff just passes you by. Don't let it. After every important meeting or event, jot down what you did well and feel pleased with yourself about - then re-read it at the end of the day.

Learn to give and receive compliments It's human nature to accept criticisms more readily than compliments. In fact psychologists suggest that we need 10 compliments to counter the effect of just one criticism. Don't dismiss the compliments people give you. Accept them with thanks and a smile. And give yourself compliments too; praise yourself for small as well as big things. Remember to compliment other people, too - it makes both of you feel good.

Let go and move on Avoid replays of negative experiences, whether it's a meeting in which you performed badly or a row with a friend. Acknowledge what happened, work out the lessons you can learn from it, make amends if you need to, then leave it behind. Replaying it in your mind consumes valuable energy and reinforces negative beliefs.

Look for the positive Low self-esteem and low expectations go hand in hand. You approach a new situation thinking about how you're going to fail rather than what you're going to learn. Make an effort to reframe your thinking, so you concentrate on the positive. Instead of saying, 'I've never done this before - I'm bound to fail@, make a list of things you would like to learn from the situation.

There you go - easy as ABC! Actually there is some quite sensible stuff in there - a bit daunting though. It seems to fit in well with the LL approach.

Well, it's not a magic wand but I found it quite interesting.

I'd like to thank GG via this blog for writing all this out and if you have found it useful, please comment! For most of us, this is such an important issue so please just let me know if you feel it was beneficial reading any of this post.

Thanks and have a great week ahead.

PS I rang the gym and will go on Wednesday; I also emailed Debenhams to book a personal shopper! Yes, I really did. My best friend suggested it and because I am doing a course at the end of June AND doing a talk at a girls school in July, the one pair of jeans and decent top just won't do.

Comments

[Lesley]

Re the self-esteem test - I wasn't going to say but I came in at 83% so I think we can safely deduce that it's not a problem for me... Even there though, there are areas where I know I don't score as highly and the main one is my relationship with D so that is wwhere I'm trying to focus my energies. We can all try and help ourselves.

Not only that, I wonder what I WOULD have scored if I'd done the test before LL?? Definitely not 83%!!

I think GG's 6 pointers are fantastic tool. Especially the "fake it" one. That's what I do. If I feel I can't do something - I do it anyway, pretend to be a really competent and professional person and hope for the best. What's that awful phrase "Feel the fear and do it anyway" or something....?

I think you're halfway there anyway; just remembering the way you have addressed some things in the the diet. Like you ate while in NY but didn't automatically call yourself a failure. You looked for the positive there. You're working on accepting compliments even though it bothers you. All these things show that you're moving in the right direction. And, you're changing your life with both the diet and all the house stuff, not the sign of a paralysed woman. So - you just have to "see" these things and come to belive in them yourself. That'll come.

Take care and have a good if busy week.

Lesley x