Self-Worth and Boundaries

Somewhere, probably amongst all the self-help books I have, is some information about life lessons (that we need to learn) and when we are ready to learn them. There is also that quote, "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you'll always get" ie expecting something different is a bit of a mug's game. In other words, unless you change your behaviour (particularly if it is affecting your life in an adverse way), your circumstances won't change.

For the LighterLifers amongst us, can you remember what prompted you to start? For me, in my heart of hearts, I knew it was time for a change. At last, I finally acknowledged that even if I went to the gym six times a week, adapted my own diet, my eating habits and weight would not change permanently. I didn't have LighterLife in mind when I came to this realisation; I just knew I had to do something.

And I have reached that point again about...something else.

Lesley's comments were absolutely spot on:

It seems to me that a lot of your disbelief at your sucess, your desire not to tell people about the diet and your desire not to "boast" comes from not assigning to yourself your true worth.

In our week 13 session, which I will document separately, we ended up talking about boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Where there are no boundaries, there is no self care. If you are busy saying yes to everyone else (because you are worried about the consequences of saying no), the only person who will end up paying a higher price (mental and physical wellbeing) is you.

I was busy trying to talk this through with one of our group (trying to help her) when, really, I think I need to sort this issue out for myself.

The whole saga with employers 1 and 2 continues. Today employer 2 is back from his vacation and we are going to have to have the money discussion. I met my accountant on Tuesday, which was really good and she helped me to see things from a different perspective and I felt a lot better. But that was then and now, just two days on, there have been developments that I am bitterly regretting.

Employer 1 has still not paid me AND has asked me to do some more work, which is going to be so badly paid that I should have (yes, using this language) said sorry, no, I can't do it. Did I say that? Of course, I didn't. I said yes. And I have been put in an awkward situation because I gave them an opportunity to behave well (cash-wise) but all they've done is say "I don't feel right charging you for this but...I am going to. What do you think?" In other words, they have left the decision to me, which is tricky.

The sum involved is not very much BUT the principal is. The problem is, employer 1 has two areas of business and they have now asked me to look at the other area, which is better paid and more in tune with what I used to do. I would like to do this work but I am going to be charging a lot more (relatively) so it's a delicate balance. I feel, in all of this, I have got myself into a very difficult situation; a person with high self worth would not be here! Fact. They would have their boundaries in place and people would know not to cross them.

I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about this; how wrong (in crooked thinking terms) when really I should have been focusing on other matters, particularly yesterday!!

I went online - because I couldn't rest - and found a website called selfesteem4women.com - where you can do a free self-esteem assessment. I scored 44%, which means my "self-esteem is not in good shape and is likely to be having a negative impact on the quality of your life at the moment". Er, yes!

Part of the reason I scaled back my own business was because I had been so busy overservicing my clients (at detriment to myself) that I had run myself into the ground. Before that, when I had a team and big budgets, I did exactly the same. I made myself ill through working so hard. When I left one job, they split the role into two because there was an acknowledgement it was far too much for one person. Yet I had done that role for two years.

Our LLC says that if we do thought records, we will start to see a pattern of recurring thoughts. Well, I am also seeing recurring patterns and I really do want to sort this one out.

Lesley - any tips? Anyone else? What do you suggest for someone who needs to increase their self worth and set some healthy boundaries?

There is much to think about. But at least I am not reaching into the fridge for the answers!!!

Comments

[goombagirl]

What an interesting post. I too have been thinking a lot about issues to do with self esteem as I now accept I have problems in this area. I had previously assumed I didn't as I am also extremely arrogant at times! I shall have a good think today whilst walking the dog and come back later with some thoughts. I was talking to a fellow National Trust garden volunteer yesterday who is in a similar situation to you - he has been very generous in the sale of a business to a friend and is now beginning to realise that he is being taken advantage of. I was encouraging him to be explicit in what he required - setting the boundaries! Should tell myself that too. Not an easy problem to solve, but all too common for "nice" people.

As for what prompted me to do LL, it was almost an impulse - I phoned an old friend who announced she was now skinny. Knowing her as I did, I found out her secret and knew it was the answer for me! I think this must have coincided with my head being in the right place at that time, as LL seemed so right for me from day 1 (or even -20!).

I really love your blog - I now even look at it before minimins!! - and it is helping me focus my thoughts. Looking forward to hearing about session 13 and how things went yesterday - hope you're OK.

[goombagirl]

I had a chat with a friend whilst out with the dogs. She is very clued up on psychology and quite keen on the Myers Briggs personality type indicator "thingie" (I'm not so clued up on terminology!). She has 2 adopted children so has needed to help them boost their feelings of self worth. We talked about this and I asked her how an adult would increase their self worth. She thought it was more difficult as it's what happens to us as a child that results in our level of self esteem. However she reckons the key is to understand our personality so we get to a point where we can accept the way we are and give ourselves permission to be that way. For example, she has always been shy, which can be seen as socially unacceptable by some more extrovert people. By accepting the fact that she is an introvert and coming to believe it's OK to be one, she can be more relaxed about social situations. I wouldn't have described her as shy! Just normal. It makes sense to me. I suppose what I'm saying is if we can accept and understand ourselves then it will be easier to do things like setting healthy boundaries. That's the theory anyway! Now I'll have to see if I can put it into practice, once I've worked out what I need to do.

[Cath]

I suffer from low self esteem too so I'll give that site you mentioned a look at and have a go at the quiz - I'm not holding my breath for a good score though.

Good luck with your employers, I really don't envy you having to go through this, it must be awful.

hugs

Cath
x

[Rachel]

I did the test and scored an horrific 24%! I knew my self esteem was low, but that shocked me to the core. Will try to rectify that if possible, thankyou for the link xx

[chrismars]

I had a go - 52%.

Chris x

[Cath]

I tried it and got 53%!