Size Matters

Very recently I talked about being smaller and feeling vulnerable. Someone emailed me ([email protected]) to talk about their own experience of being bigger and smaller and the effects it has had on them. I thought what they wrote was so interesting that I have decided to post it here (with their permission):

“I was really fascinated by the points you made in your blog yesterday a) about not recognising yourself and b) about feeling vulnerable.

“As for feeling vulnerable, I think if you’ve always been bigger than you should be, you do feel vulnerable when you peel off the pounds. When I got down to 9st12oz (yes, I was that weight once...) at Weight Watchers, a friend put their arms round me and said “But you’re so little!” And I did feel ‘little’ and quite fragile.

“This is a strange sensation when you’ve always been seen as a (big) strong woman! Or been regarded as strong simply because you are big. When you are big, people never assume that you are scared or vulnerable or quaking inside. (And, of course, you’ve psyched yourself into thinking you have to be a strong woman. Well, we are strong in lots of ways but we have chinks in the armour.) And, needless to say, like many big people who become smaller, I hadn’t got a clue how to do – and indeed didn’t want to do - the ‘helpless little woman’ routine, which is what people seemed to expect!!! (Still don’t have clue in fact.)

“So, the challenge is how to be slim, remain comfortably strong and avoid behaving like a ditsy airhead! (Ooh, silly me, could you just show me once more how to change a light bulb?)”

What do other people think? Has this been your experience?

I have always had weight “issues” and my weight yo-yo’d, particularly when I was a manager. Sometimes I was assertive, sometimes I wasn’t. At my very biggest, I had been roped in to “manage” a friend’s wedding on the day ie make sure that what needed to happen…happened. I wasn’t a bridesmaid or Maid of Honour (or even Matron of Honour) so I was ‘free’ to oversee arrangements. She asked me because, she said, “I don’t trust anyone else to do it”.

I had to hassle the staff constantly throughout the day and, yes, people did think I was someone who couldn’t be messed with. Was it my size? Did my size help me to feel ‘stronger’? I don’t know although, ironically, I had agonised for months about what I would wear at this wedding. I bought Emma Hope shoes (so, so, so expensive) but had to wear a black tent because nothing else fitted. I don't remember feeling invincible - just a big fat failure, particularly on the clothes front.

Being busy at the wedding and telling people what to do made me feel ‘in charge’ and having a role or purpose did make me feel slightly more in control. With hindsight, it made me feel less distressed about just how big I had got – it was the perfect distraction. And interestingly, I am not in any of the wedding photos apart from the group one.

Lots of people would say I was a confident person but it’s a false confidence.

Pre-LighterLife, I used to hope that I would NOT be the biggest woman in the room but secretly know that I probably would be. Whenever I arrived somewhere, I would scan a room and suss everyone else out and then I let the situation dictate how I would feel. And yes, I think I grew into the role of the strong, big woman – cracking jokes about my size, etc. Looking back now, I think I had just got so used to blocking out how I really felt, that it became a habit. A habit so ingrained, I didn't even have to think about it consciously.

I feel vulnerable now because I feel more visible yet, ironically, I am less visible! My current size does not mean that I stand out as much. I remember reading comments by larger women saying how much they wanted to hide away in the corner but how their size made them more visible than ever. That was me.

But suddenly I don’t have a “role” to play; I don’t know how to be … me.

It was the same when I stopped being vegetarian; I remember exclaiming to my best friend, “But being vegetarian is who I am!”

Does anyone else feel like this? (Not about stopping being vegetarian but about being smaller.)

Goodness me, soon I’ll be saying “I don’t know who I am”! Enough already!

Comments

[Melanie]

Wow, that's so true. I find people are often intimidated by me, and I can't always work out why when I'm a big softee. I come across as very confident and sure of myself, I am confident and think that'd be the same thin but I'm certainly not sure of myself.

I find that I'm always a larger than life character, the first to make the fat girl jokes before someone else does. I kind of 'you're thinking it, so I'll say it and make a joke out of it before you do'.

Which to others is me being confident and outgoing, whereas on the inside, it's the defence mechanism kicking in to stop be being vulnerable by my size.

Without being big, how can I protect myself..

Oh..Mrs..you've opened a can of worms here..need to ponder this one for a bit...lol

Hope you are well and had a good weekend.

Take care,
Mel

[Lesley]

Yep yep yep - I've done and thought all those things! I too have been pondering whether my character will shrink along with my ass but think I've just about realised that it won't. Hopefully I'll just lose the negative stuff, like cracking fat jokes before anyone else does. It wasn't really a strong thing to do - it was a bit heartbreaking!

Although I felt strangely physically small when my Dad hugged me at the weekend, I do know that I'm not any less of a person than I was when I was big. If anything, I'm more of a force to be reckoned with! I can keep up with people. I don't have the fatgirl inner dialogue wasting space in my head - the "will I fit into that seat?" "What will I wear to that wedding?" "Can I physically make it up that hill with my friends?" "Will I sweat too much if I dance all night?".

Now I just DO stuff and that makes me stronger than I was when I was outwardly a "big strong girl"!!

It is an adjustment though and any adjustment takes time...

[guinea]

I've thought about this quite a bit recently. I too am unsure about what my new body's influence will have on my personality.

I guess I have a personality that suits my larger than life shape. I like to be the life and soul of the party at the centre of attention. I am no shrinking violet.

I have wondered if my exuberance will diminish with my adipose tissue. Who knows?

[Cath]

You are so spot on with this - I also suffered from big girl personality even at 5'1". People think that you are more of a force to be reckoned with because of your size whereas to be honest I think I'm more assertive now because of the size I am now - I'm more likely to stand my ground now and stick up for myself rather than running off to hide in the corner.... I've also found that I'm less anxious.

I'm not sure who I'll become or exactly what I'll be like at the end of this but I'm damn sure I'm going to love her.

Cath
x

[chrismars]

I've not got to the point yet where I feel totally different in company. I'm still making the fat girl jokes first. Mainly, I think to let everyone know that I still know I have a way to go until I'm happy with my body (tummy and arms!!!!) - or to ehat I think everyone else wold be happy with...

Chris x