In my Route to Management class this week, we talked about a variety of things but one thing that I mentioned was the fact that, up until last weekend (It started with a yoghurt...) I struggled to understand how a humble crisp, roast potato, salad lunch or a single solitary chocolate (left on a hotel pillow) could start an avalanche. Let me explain.
In the Route to Management book, there is the story of how one crisp eaten at a party becomes the cause of the person putting all their weight back on and ending up in a wheelchair, possibly with early onset diabetes.
Even before I started LighterLife, I remember reading blogs and apocryphal tales of LighterLifers being undone by a roast potato. Then I met someone whose undoing was a chocolate on a pillow (in a hotel). There was always something, seemingly innocent, that started the slippery slope that snowballed into an avalanche (of food and eating).
I never really got it until last weekend. And I explained this to the group; I started breakfast at the swanky hotel with an innocent yoghurt and, by the end of the day, I didn't seem to be able to exert any control over my eating. In less than 24 hours, I had lost the plot.
To be honest, if I didn't belong to the forum and have this incredible circle of bloggers around me, I think I would have said "F**k it, enough already!" and then go on a big eating crusade. Because I could. Because...well, because of any reason you want to name! I've noticed that even the weather is a trigger for me! For goodness sake!
And then, as if one slippery slope weren't enough, I decided to go for a double whammy.
And one of my biggest, biggest triggers is...uncertainty! And right now, my life seems very uncertain. Not living in our own home is hard - not impossible but very, very hard. And, a year ago, it wasn't even our home (town) - we had our lovely flat in London and were leading a very different life altogether!
My work is uncertain because...I am in two minds about whether to ditch one of them, particularly as the person involved is a MASSIVE trigger for me. Second, I have overcommitted on the work front and had to stay up on Thursday night to meet a deadline. I stayed up until 4am. I am doing three part-time jobs and not doing any of them particularly well. And I've managing the build. And I don't really know what I want to do in the future; I love part-time job one (but not the person). I thought I had found my perfect career - something I love, something I would do for free but NOT with this person. It has caused me great anxiety. For weeks. I think Lesley correctly identified, I need structure. I think, to be honest, I need A LOT of structure, which is why LighterLife worked for me on the foodpack front; yes, I deviated but a very strict structure was in place. I was safe in that structure and could test the boundaries. Route to Management is far too freestyle for my liking, even with a limited food choice!
My future is uncertain because I really do want to be a mother (and be a parent with my husband - of our child) but it's not in my hands. I can do everything in my power to make it happen but unlike LighterLife, even if I stick to the programme, there are no guarantees.
My husband's future is uncertain; he hates his job and talks about leaving all the time. Where he goes next will dictate a lot of how my life ends up. Fact. We moved out of London because it was closer to his work; then he got made redundant!
As Porkchop keeps saying, every single aspect of my life is different. Of course, Tony Robbins would just say this is the story I keep telling myself but it needn't be like this!
In the meantime, as I said, I decided to go for gold on the self-sabotage front.
On Thursday afternoon, I was so tired and physically hungry - yes I really was - and I didn't know how I was going to get home. I bought myself some chicken and walked along the street eating the chicken slices. I was trying to make informed food choices.
At the end of the afternoon, I went back to the house (building site). The builder had gone but there were lots of things for me to sort out. I am really anxious about the house - the costs, the amount still to be done, blah blah blah. I feel ZERO excitement, just utter fear.
Having been able to come and go freely, without raiding the builders' snack mountain, I seemed to have lost the willpower by Thursday. I ate a chocolate digestive biscuit from a packet and then realised, to my utter horror, that a snail was also living in that packet - that's when I went to reach for another one. Obviously I didn't! So then I went for something sealed and 'safe' - a Wagon Wheel. But I didn't have one or two; by the time I walked up the hill, I think I had eaten three.
The thing is, I knew I would have to stay up because there was no way I could get all the work done by Friday afternoon.
And that's when Slippery Slope II occurred. I ate a whole packet of family sized crips (please, just don't go there), I ate salad and chicken. I ate two chocolate foodpacks.
In the morning, after sleeping for four hours, I ate muesli - a lot of muesli. I continued working until the afternoon. And then I had a meeting with the builder, whilst also trying to summon up the courage to hand in my notice. There was a lot of anxiety around. I bought the builder a latte and a Bannoffi muffin whilst I bought myself Banana cake (hello?! - something I have never eaten) and a gluten free chcolate brownie. Well, just because. And a skinny decaffeinated cappuccino. Of course! Because if that isn't crooked thinking, I really don't know what is.
I ate the cakes.
In the evening, I went back to the salad and a lot of cottage cheese. And chicken. And some more crisps. I just kept picking because I didn't hand my notice in and I also happened to run into this person and well, this just ramped up my anxiety even further.
On Saturday morning, we left very early to come to Devon. We had one stop on the way and I had a coffee. My husband told me that he didn't need anything so I had to be very quick. When I returned, he had disappeared. He returned, diet coke and car sweets in hand. We got stuck in traffic and I started to eat the car sweets! Just one became two became three became - just four, which will be 100 calories in total and then I'll stop. But I didn't. I continued until I must have had about 12. I then fell asleep.
When we got to my mother's, I felt the most OVERWHELMING urge to eat. But I didn't. I drank a lot of (decaffeinated) tea instead.
A few hours passed.
Then I started to feel really wobbly and almost passed out so I lay down on the floor; my hands were shaking. And then I decided to listen to my body. All my deviations from LighterLife have been with junk. I have not had any fruit since February! I saw a banana in the kitchen and had that, with some zero fat yoghurt.
I felt a lot better. Eventually. My mother had some WeightWatchers bars in her cupboard and when I said I'd like to try one, she said no! And I didn't. Not even a simper from my rebellious child.
And since then I have stayed the distance; I have stopped. I have slept. I have made my husband toast, I have made him cheese and pickle sandwiches. All totally without one crumb passing my lips. I have had a nut crunch bar and some Thai Chilli soup. Tonight I am having chicken and salad. The structure is there.
I am back on track. It's been a huge rollercoaster, exacerbated by tiredness, anxiety and genuine fear about the future.
In the meantime, please learn my lesson! The slippery slope is "just one" item of unlisted food away. I have managed to pull in the reigns - this time. This addiction stuff is exhausting - the mental wrestling and distraction therapy is all very well but if you are not in a peak state - the crooked thinking will slip in and before you know it, BAM! You've eaten enough for a family of four.
Shocking.
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