OK, this is a very quick post because I am on my way to the GP for a much-needed appointment.
Today has been manic BUT I have stuck to two foodpacks so far (well, nut crunch bars but I am ok with that because I am on the move and have planned accordingly!). I have decided to stick to the packs for a few days, just to get me back on track. I have recognised that this is what I need to do for me, right now. Not forever. Not for weeks. Just for a few days. If nothing else, just to give me some peace of mind when my mind is SO overcrowded with OTHER stuff. I simply can’t afford to let that weight gain slide further down the slope.
I had a massage this afternoon and felt euphoric afterwards; really positive, really determined - still exhausted but it was a different type of exhaustion. Something clicked - literally and metaphorically. Or, as a massage therapist would say, something shifted!
Then I came to the internet cafe, which is not as nice as Starbucks BUT I could have tea there, not skinny decaff cappuccino, which is what I really fancied.
I was typing a comment on Guinea's blog, about Route to Management, about food decisions and it struck me. (Sorry, another lightbulb - Sandra, your comment made me laugh, surely with all these lightbulbs there must indeed, SURELY (?!) be light at the end of the tunnel!)
Anyway, as you know, I left Development with weight still left to lose; I said, very openly that I wasn't "there" yet and now it’s clear that this has really screwed with my mind. I wasn't ‘done’ so had no sense of achievement; the job wasn't done. And a combination of stress, anxiety, extreme tiredness (I am now acknowledging just how tired I have been of late) gave my crooked thinking an open road to run wild. Each time I ate more, even the tiniest bit more like a mouthful of zero fat Greek yoghurt or cottage cheese, I just beat myself up – mentally AND monumentally - and felt an increasing sense of failure. The failure compounded more failure and I just heaped one experience on top of the other. I didn't feel in control - I felt control had run away and left me, forever. At the heart of this sense of failure was the fact that I had not reached ‘goal’.
And because I felt SUCH a failure, I really did get into that “f**k it” cycle, which is a very dangerous place for anyone to be but particularly an addict. If you feel that there is no point, why bother? Why would you? Because bothering doesn’t get you anywhere. ‘After all,’ went my crooked thinking or critical parent or whichever voice/ego state you want to mention (!), ‘you didn’t even manage to lose all the weight!’
And if you are a perfectionist, like me, it’s all or nothing; so success cannot be acknowledged unless it’s total. As a caveat, I would NEVER judge anyone else in this way.
I think it must be very hard for people to understand; how can a person lose a third of their body weight (that’s what I have done – more in total) and STILL want to binge? Where’s their pride, they may think? Where’s their self-respect?
I think it’s partly because however much weight you lose, it takes your brain a whole lot longer to catch up. Someone in my Management group said it took them a year – a WHOLE year before they thought, “yeah, I’ve done it” – I have achieved something. And that person had lost A LOT of weight!
I need to finish the work of Foundation and Management; sadly, with the weight gain, it will now be more than the 2lbs that I was away from ‘goal’ so I am going to decide on a weight, this weekend, and make that my goal and go for it. Then I will get closure on Foundation and Development and getting to ‘goal’ to then move into Route to Management eating with a clear head, an understanding of what’s involved and a more relaxed attitude about the scales moving.
I am going to stay with my Management group because they feed me, emotionally.
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