Something's Gotta Give

So, I had my weigh in tonight and I have put on what I thought was 2lbs but it is in fact 3lbs!

This means, in the past four weeks, my net loss or gain is a 1lb GAIN.

My own scales at home have varied even more.

My LLC said that if I put on next week, it's not a blip, it's a trend. The sub-text, I think, is clear; if it's a trend, it needs to be stopped otherwise the slippery slope gets even steeper.

On the one hand, I am despondent; however much I have eaten off piste, it simply CAN'T be THIS much - particularly when I think back to Development.

On the other, I had a lightbulb moment at the end of tonight's Management session; ever since I started Route to Management, in fact, half way through Development, I have had this feeling that "I can't do this, it's TOO hard". I've carried on going to the sessions but, at a core level, I think I have wondered whether I have got what it takes to go all the way, particularly since I deviated in some particularly self-destructive ways. This doubt has been MASSIVELY amplified since day 1 of Route to Management, when I treated overeating-induced indigestion with... more food! That set up a cycle of failure. It also became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I blogged and posted on the forum endlessly about self-sabotage, self-doubt, tiredness, fear, anxiety - you name it, I have written about it.

At the heart of the matter, I realise, was a fear that this is all too good to be true and that I indeed don't have what it takes to be one of the success stories. And because I doubted whether I could do it, it came true - I kept thinking this is getting harder. Too hard. And that is exactly what has happened AND I have started to put on weight - steadily.

But my LLC was talking today about how it DOES get easier over time, if you keep practising, fine tuning, learning, improving, maybe even lapsing but definitely getting the learning. As long as you are learning, in her mind, you are succeeding. She did note that my weight is going in the WRONG direction, however.

We are all at different stages in Route to Management and Management but there was a common theme to our struggles this week - finding that all-essential 'me' time; the'me' time includes making time for cooking healthy meals, making time to take care of ourselves, making time for exercise, making time for putting our wellbeing...first. Anything and everything was getting in they way of making ourselves a priority and, when we don't, we struggle, we start putting on weight and, if we're not careful, it soon becomes scarily unmanageable.

I can't face doing Week 1 again, for the third time, so I will probably do week 2. What is clear is that what I have been doing, so far, in Route to Management is NOT working.

I am going to see a GP on Friday to get the details on my blood pressure (nearly fell down the steps at the Tube and passing commuters just stared at me as if I were drunk - AS IF!) and I am going to get my health worries sorted.

So, all in all, I feel as if I may as well write off August, which is thoroughly depressing. My one final week of abstince will all have been for nothing!

This weekend I am going to plan my Route to Management strategy, which will include my birthday, my mother's birthday (a BIG one), my wedding anniversary, our moving back into our home (please, God!), my leaving my job, my husband possibly leaving his AND...some major financial headaches.

If I fail to plan, I am planning to fail and I've already done enough of that. Hope everyone else is fairing better. xx

Comments

[Sandra]

So you've gained. The question is do you know why? Are you aware of what you've eaten in the past week?
If so, you will know inside what you are doing and it may be self-sabotage.
For me, when I've gained, I have known it was the carbs - the cake, the white choc mocha, the fudge.
The difference for me this week (because I have to admit my week was not 100% perfect) is that I did not eat any Devon fudge or toffee or cream teas - even though I love all of those things. I am learning about the dangerous things for me and if I eat them I am only harming myself - and maybe that's the intention at the time?