The Lard Arms

Fed Up and Fat

That's how I feel. Like a big lard arse, bloated, demotivated, frustrated and generally bleurgh!

I woke up this morning, feeling thoroughly uptight but determined that the eating cycle of the past few days was going to stop. Right here. Right now. I even thought about going on packs for a few days because it just seems to even things out a bit and helps me feel on more of an even keel.

And then I ate three packs (two packs and a bar). In quick succession.

So that wasn't a good strategy since I've got one pack to last me the whole day and it's only 8.30am. Hmmmm.

The one thing I am desperately not trying to do is beat myself up - not because I want to reward bad behaviour (sorry, dog training talk there!) - but because, now, even I recognise that that particular train of thought leads NOWHERE!

So what was the trigger? Well, there were several. But before I identify them I want to state something for the record and please, readers, if I get like this again, please, please remind me of what I am about to write!!!

The more I have eaten, the less I have felt like exercising. It's not like I have eaten myself into oblivion but defintely the contents and sum total of WHAT I have eaten over the past few days has had an effect. A very direct effect. I can't blame the cold weather for yesterday's eating marathon. I can't blame today's "three for one" outburst on it either. But fact is fact; I have absolutely ZERO desire to move.

Now that's a massive shock for me (so it's a bl**dy good lesson); a few weeks ago, I was ITCHING to run. ITCHING to move. Now I feel I have morphed into a giant slug. And truth be told? I don't feel any different to the beginning of the year.

The only thing that is different is that when I look in the mirror, I am not seeing a person who is almost 15 stone (or nearly 17 - at my heaviest - but by then I don't think I was really looking in any mirrors, to be honest). And when I DO look in the mirror, or catch myself walking past, it's a surprise. And that surprise interrupts the fat feelings that permeate, if that makes sense. They don't go away, those fat feelings, but the mirror example stops them in their tracks for five minutes or so.

The other thing that I was feeling last night was that the eating seemed out of control - no, rephrase that, out of MY control. It had run off and I had no chance of catching it again. Now, realistically, we're only talking about a few days. A FEW DAYS (trying to communicate my internal voice shouting at me!). Within a few days, the way I feel about the situation has completely changed. Again, this is another shock (so I guess it's another good lesson). But right now, I feel terrified; I feel as if I've got to keep a tight lid on my life (and therefore my eating) or it will explode. I feel as if I won't be able to let go - ever - ever again. Because, if I let go, I might not be able to get back on track again. Even now, writing this, I've got no guarantee that I can whip my eating into shape again. Rationally, I could argue with myself all day and demonstrate how I could but instinctively, I don't feel that.

The other factor in all of this is our life, right now. My husband is really, really miserable. And he is taking it out on me because, truth be told, I am his only outlet at the moment. He hates his job and the fact that it not only dominates Monday - Friday but also the weekends. As he said, "when was the last time we had a weekend?" ie one where we relaxed and enjoyed being together. Even in Devon, for the Bank Holiday, we just slept and then he had to cut short the break.

I am struggling to keep myself motivated but I am genuinely trying to see all the positives currently in my life. He is not seeing anything positive. And he is being really hard on himself regarding the work situation and, as we all know ourselves, when we are tough on us, we're not exactly lovely to be around, are we?

I am conscious of the advice you gave me before - I can't take on his troubles and that is right. It's just, in this small space, there's nowhere really to hide!! I don't want to take on his problems (even though the rescuer inside me is poised, ready to start the salvage operation at any moment!) BUT if the problems are affecting me adversely, what do I do then?

The sad thing is, I really see what he is doing; he is giving himself a monumentally hard time, without my help (!) and the result of that, he is really unhappy and not seeing positives. He's got tunnel vision, right now, because he feels trapped in a job and he doesn't know how to get out of it. He's decided that he must earn a certain amount, which just piles on the pressure. I keep saying we can sell up, we can downsize - we've got options. But when we're in the middle of beating ourselves up, we don't want to listen, do we? Not really.

So, that's it. I'd like to take myself away - to give myself some space - but I know my husband wants me around while he is working. After two weeks apart, it's hard on the relationship - you have to get used to each other again and just when you do, it's time to separate again.

Dietgirl's remedy for times of anxiety is fresh air, movement/exercise and a cup of tea. Let's see if I can manage those for starters.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. xxxxxx

Dirty Little Secret

My LLC says that if you do thought records often enough, you will start to see patterns. Well, that, my friends, is definitely true.

In spite of my protestations of saying, "right, this is it, I am going to knuckle down to Route to Management", I have actually done the complete opposite by running away into the arms of food and eaten off-piste. (But NO crisps! So that's progress, isn't it?!)

The eating co-incided with the house project; the builders were leaving on Friday and it got busier and busier and busier. The house got colder and colder (still no heating!) and, in the end, I couldn't stay on site any longer and so I took myself off to various coffee bars with internet access (we now have two locally)! Anything to keep warm, dry and ... fed. By Friday evening, you would never have known I was on a programme called LighterLife.

The triggers were many and varied (or maybe it was crooked thinking?!): the cold weather, the lack of water (for some reason my water intake has gone right down this week - the first time ever), tiredness, financial worries, job worries, missing my husband, missing my dog, missing my mum and my close friends, missing London, worrying about my birthday and being 41 (I am SOOOOO in denial about that one), worrying about the house, worrying about being on my own (now the builders are out but I am still managing suppliers)... worrying about not doing anything about Burma. I think you get the picture. You name it, it was a trigger.

I don't think it's helpful to list the food - unless you think it is? Suffice to say, it wasn't on the plan.

Anyway, the eating continued today culminating in an ugly scene with a baguette! I don't even like f***ing baguettes! It's sheer insanity but the compulsion to eat was OVERWHELMING.

So, enough is enough, I thought. It's time to sort this eating out because it's getting out of control. Again.

So I did a thought record and it boiled down to "I don't deserve good things" (blimey, that old core belief!) and by good things, I mean positive elements in my life rather than material possessions. Anyway, if you do a thought record, you have to search for the proof for and evidence against the hot thought. I immediately wrote in the evidence against section "because I keep being sent good things".

And I really believe that, deep down. But maybe I really haven't felt it before, if that makes sense. I don't think I have been able to counteract that very damaging belief about myself until now. It feels VERY different.

The out-of-control behaviour was definitely a replay of the last few weeks of Development and the house being rebuilt has tested me in a different (but scarily similar!) way. I don't think it will hit me, even when we move back, just how different the house it. Just how different my body is, too, in a way; if that makes sense?

We've discussed - via this blog and the forum - the issue of potential - fufilling our potential or suppressing it. I tried everything to sabotage my Development efforts; why? Because I was getting close to a weight that I would, until I started LighterLife, NEVER have imagined that I could reach. I was scared because I couldn't use the excuse "I'll do it when I lose weight" any longer. My life couldn't remain on hold (and that was a very, very good thing, of course).

This week my house is being to look LESS like a building site and more like a potential home. When we move back, I won't be able to say "When we move/have more space...", an excuse that has dominated our married life. In our flat, although we loved it, we knew it was always temporary. Soon, we will be back in the house and our life CAN'T remain on hold any longer.

I took a decision this week about spending more money on the house. It's money that, to be honest, I could do with NOT spending. We don't have it. But I realise, if I spend the money, on this one job, my husband and I won't have to spend weekends finishing off. We can get busy with living and I decided, given that we have been apart and life is short, it really is time for us to start again. Of course, as soon as I took that decision, I started to eat! But at least I now understand why; I need to (and want to) change the fact that I am, for whatever reason, completely programmed to think I don't deserve a good life. I've been so busy, for the majority of my life, believing that to be the case (and seeing far to much evidence to support that view) that it's no suprise to discover that changing this destructive belief is going to take some work.

But I will change that belief. Whatever it takes.

Chew on This

For regular readers, you'll know my background is Roman (as in Catholic)! Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, they say. Is that true? Quite possibly. One thing for me, if I am honest, is that I have never lost that notion of someone/something else, bigger than us. It could be conditioning (Catholic family, very strict Catholic junior school), it could be spirituality - whatever it is, I am not an Atheist.

Anyway, one of my personal philsophies is that there are signs, all around us, for the lessons we need to learn. Or, as Jack Canfield would say, "success leaves clues"! Recently, there are messages galore for all the lessons I seem to be having to learn!! I'm really trying to be receptive to them - sometimes they are hard, sometimes they are manageable. Rarely are they easy. I think that's why I am so scared, so much of the time.

Last weekend in The Sunday Telegraph magazine (I think) there was a piece about The Mayr Clinic in Austria. I read it at my mum's and thought...hmm, must make a note of that. When I came back to the B&B, the landlady handed me the same article and said, "I read this and thought of you". It was because the subject matter contained two of my big personal priorities - this permanent weight loss malarkey and trying to get pregnant.

And, in the meantime, Sarah (Cerulean) made a comment on this blog that linked in so it's time to bring them altogether and SHARE!!

And what is it all about? Chewing our food!

The Mayr Clinic is pretty hardcore - check out these articles if you want some background:

www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/main.jhtml?xml=/travel/2000/10/23/etspa23.xml

www.thetravelmagazine.co.uk/travel_article_128.html

Self-confessed junk-food addict Johann Hari, wrote about his experiences at the clinic travel.independent.co.uk/news_and_advice/article323597.ece:

"Ah, Dr Mayr," I sighed. His portrait smiled at me from the walls. Then I was taken to the "restaurant", and suddenly he did not seem so kindly. A bowl - no, a dribble - of soup was placed before me, along with a stale bread roll that had the texture of concrete. The woman next to me whispered, "I hear this is our last meal for the whole first week!" I gave her such a severe glare that she physically recoiled.

"You will be given an eating plan by your doctor tomorrow morning," the restaurant hostess said by way of introduction, "but the bread you see before you is a key part of the Mayr diet." The 40 other people in the restaurant were silent. I was beginning to panic. "Excuse me," I said. "Why is the bread stale?" "This is a good question," the hostess replied. "It is stale because we want to teach you to chew."

Chew? Didn't I learn that skill sometime before my first birthday? "No. Nobody in the Western world knows how to chew. Dr Mayr showed this. Most people today swallow their food after giving it one or two chews, and it enters the intestines very hard. This puts stress on the gut. Here, you will learn to chew each mouthful of food 40 times." Forty? "Yes. Do not swallow anything until it is a thin liquid pulp. And you must not speak to each other or read when you are eating. This is distracting and wrong. You will sit in silence. And chew."

Meanwhile, You magazine www.you.co.uk/pages/you/article.html?in_article_id=408340&in_page_id=1909, provides Dr Harald Stossier's top tips - he's the Clinic's medical director:

Dr Stossier's tips:

• Aim to empty your bowels first thing every morning: massage your stomach clockwise in a small circle around your navel, then in a larger circle (reaching just under your ribs) to stimulate the small and large intestines.

• Focus on your food and chew really thoroughly to build up saliva, which begins the digestive process.

• Sip two to three litres of still water through the day between meals – drinking while you eat dilutes digestive enzymes.

• Follow the same eating routine every day, with the majority of your food early in the day.

• Don't eat too late or when you're overtired. If you get home from work exhausted, rest before eating. You can sip herbal tea (but not fruit juice) while you unwind.

• Avoid too many raw fruits and vegetables, especially in the evening. If fruit lingers in your digestive system, it can ferment and release toxins. Fruits are best at breakfast in the morning or as a dessert at lunchtime, but avoid eating them in the evening.

• Try to stop eating when you are enjoying your food the most (rather than when you're stuffed).

• If you feel hungry between meals you can snack on fruit in the morning; but it's better to choose bread or cake in the afternoon.

www.Viva-Mayr.com

Hope this helps and now you know. Chew your food!

"The Ab Fab of Rehab"

As you know, addiction has been on my mind. Well, as someone important in my life right now said, "if the universe starts sending you messages, maybe it's time to listen". I've mentioned the two long, long chats I have had with addicts and then, in last week's Evening Standard, there was a piece about The Recovery Centre, in Chelsea.

The simple fact is that this centre is NOT cheap so I am no advocating we all hotfoot it there; instead, I think I (and maybe you, lovely readers) can all take something from their approach.

Funnily enough, the piece was written by the same journalist - Caroline Phillips - who completed the Triathlon (which I wrote about), so I was already receptive to what she had to say. But, what I was surprised about was how honest she was in the piece and I wanted to share it with you:

"I'm visiting the centre ... to top up the regular therapy I've been doing for the past 19 years after successfully recovering from an eating disorder, amphetamine addiction and alcoholism in my early twenties.

"I came from a classic dysfunctional family - my mother walked out when I was 12 and before that I'd had to deal with her mental illness.....

"When I went to work in Fleet Street, I started drinking and bingeing. I appeared to have it all: a good job, nice flat, fast car, friends. But inside I was desolate, lonely and often suicidal. It was after I spent a weekend hidden in my flat alone, crying inconsolably that a friend with whom I'd lived told me about Promis.

"She talked openly about her eating disorder - which had been such a shameful and secretive disease for me. She was full of hope and happiness."

Sadly, I can't find the article on the Evening Standard's website but I did find another article, by the same journalist, on The Daily Telegraph's website and again, I wanted to share some interesting details:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/main.jhtml?xml=/fashion/2007/05/13/strehab113.xml&page=3

The centre's owner, Robert Batt says:

'Recovery is like the five rubber ducks in the bath. You can't keep them all [addictive behaviours] under all the time. Right now I want to steal a car and smoke a cigar. I won't.'

"There are no doctors, no nurses, no detox units - just staff gliding in and out like waiters in a Michelin-starred restaurant, offering fresh fruit and herbal teas... Inside, there are huge bouquets of white roses, cream walls, modern furniture and, in the bathrooms, fluffy white towels, Diptyque candles and Jo Malone lotions. All in the name of helping the patient's recovery.

"If one thing binds together these disparate therapies, it is Batt's ethos of 'finding the joy in life'. He has taken the 'learnt optimism' theory of the psychologist Martin Seligman and intertwined it with endless strands of Batt Positivity. 'I ask patients what's been good in their week rather than what went wrong.'

"Batt believes that one of his most valuable gifts to his patients is his own troubled past. Until 1998 he had gargantuan shopping, eating, drinking and drugging habits.

'This is a great asset with patients. I know exactly what it feels like,' he says.

"He had his first drink aged 14 at Harrow, where he was a pupil. 'I then spent two days lying in my own vomit while friends answered my name in roll-call.'

"He left, aged 15, by mutual consent. In 1985 he attempted a maths A-level.., 'but I'd taken LSD and the numbers started moving around the page'.

"Although he never needed to steal, he began to help himself to silver heirlooms from the family home.

"In the following years Batt worked intermittently selling property, living in Cheyne Walk in Chelsea and snorting, drinking and shopping, sometimes to the tune of £50,000 a day.

"...He must have binged for Britain because, despite his cocaine habit - which would normally lead to weight loss - he was nearly four stone heavier than he is now.

'I've no recollection of overeating. Talk about suppressing unhappy memories.'

"His retirement culminated in Batt locking himself in his bedroom with a gun while snorting a 'pile' of cocaine. 'I was too terrified to go out.'

"Batt says his addictions stemmed from 'loneliness and that negative addict voice that tells us horrible things about us and is so awful that we think it'll overwhelm us.

"I was always trying to fill a hole inside and a sense of inadequacy.'

The Recovery Centre may be "achingly exclusive" but I'd like to take the best lessons from what they offer and apply them to my own life.

http://www.therecoverycentre.com

Wind Chill Factor - Part One

Ooooh. Here's a trigger I really hadn't appreciated. As soon as it's cold, I want to eat. And a salad isn't doing it. As soon as I have cold hands and cold feet, it's game over. My mind seems to translate this physical sensation (the brrrr factor) into a "no heat, must create heat, must eat, must eat hot food and a lot of it" train of thought.

I shall finish yesterday's post about this later. But this drop of temperature (outside) CANNOT equal a spiral into stodgey staples (inside). The bizarre thing is that yesterday I was like an exorcet missile in search of comfort (the target) and all it has done for me today is feel bloated and lardy. Yes, really, really lardy.

So, please can we share some tips and secrets for warming up without blowing up, as it were?!

Until later, comrades. Let's wrap up well - as Lesley says, there is less of us!!

If you see it, you'll eat it - OFFICIAL - For Peridot

I joked earlier on that I was on the seefood (sic) diet - if I saw it, then I would eat it. As night follows day.

This has been particularly true of my home that is a building site; where there are biscuits lurking for the builders, which I have bought for them (!), I will find them and eat them. Usually, they are easy to spot!

Well, now it seems that if food is visible, we WILL eat it because some esteemed experts have said so and CNN has published the findings edition.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/diet.fitness/09/21/kd.mindless.eating/index.html?eref=time_health. And this post is written for Peridot because, quite frankly, I don't know how she has managed to work right next to a snack altar! I know others work around food or colleagues like to share but there was something about the snack table in Peridot's office that lodged in my mind! And I hope she is not beating herself up for the one snack table transgression!

So here's what the officials say:

"We are powerless to ignore the clarion call of the candy jar, the beckoning of the buffet, the summons of the snack cupboard." This is according to Professor Brian Wansink, who heads up the Cornell Food and Brand Lab; he's also the author of "Mindless Eating". So it's not our fault!!! The Professor has spoken.

Apparently, CNN reports, "Wansink has spent a career watching how people behave around food - at home and work, in sit-down restaurants and buffets, and in the many other places where Americans routinely chow down".

According to Wasnik, "We believe we have all the free will in the world. We believe we overeat if the food is good or if we're really hungry. In reality, those are two of the last things that determine how much we eat.What really influences our eating are visibility and convenience".

CNN details how "in one experiment, Wansink placed candy jars of chocolate in office workers' cubicles for a month. Then, he moved the candy six feet away. Simply having the candy closer meant the office workers ate five more candies a day. That adds up to 125 calories a day, or 12 pounds a year".

"Something that's very visible, every time we see it we have to make a decision. Do I want to eat that? Do I not want to eat that? Do I want that candy on my desk, or do I not want it? We can say no 27 times, but if it's visible, the 28th or 29th time, we start saying, 'Maybe.' By time 30, 31, we start saying, 'What the heck? I'm hungry,' " Wansink says.

"In a similar way, convenience also tends to do the same thing. If it's really convenient and there's nothing to stop us from reaching out and grabbing something, we'll continue to do something until something tells us to stop."

"In one telling experiment, Wansink divided a group of 150 test subjects into three, giving a third canisters of potato chips with every seventh chip dyed red. Another third received canisters with every 14th chip dyed. Other ate from canisters with no dyed chips.

Test subjects with no dyed chips ate an average of 23 chips; those with every 14th chip dyed red ate an average of 15; those with every seventh chip dyed red ate an average of 10.

The red chips provided what Wansink calls a "pause point," an interruption that forces the eater to ask whether he or she wants to eat more. For this reason, Wansink says the 100-calorie containers of chips or cookies work to help 70 percent of people eat less. When they finish the container, they pause and ask themselves whether they want more.

Wansink has found you'll eat more if you're eating:

• "family style" with the serving bowls on the table.
• directly from the bag or carton.
• on a bigger plate or from a bigger container.
• in front of the television, in the car, with friends.

So, now you know the facts but it doesn't solve the problem of being surrounded by food ... I guess that's where the back up comes in, with healthy convenience foods ie fruit and veggies to hand, at all times. Peridot, when you are out of abstinence, this is what you will need. Or a new job!!!

Interpretive Management - CONTAINS FOOD SO READ WITH CAUTION

Last night's Management was really good; there was such a positive vibe in the room and although all my Foundation Friends are yet to be in the same Management meeting at one time, there were four of us and a new person. And some regulars.

Anyway, because the Foundation friends were the ones who started altogether, we started talking about anniversaries. I don't know when I started LighterLife so that seems a good reason to note some key dates because, for long-term success, we need to honour important dates/milestones along the way.

My first Foundation meeting was Wednesday 21 February 2007.

I officially started LighterLife (ie abstinence) on Monday February 26 February (with a mushroom soup, no less)!

I finished Foundation on Wednesday 23 May.

I started Development on Tuesday 29 May 2007.

My first Management meeting was on Wednesday 8 August 2007 and I officially started Route to Management on Saturday 11 August.

This means I am officially in Week 7 but I am SOOOO not!

So where am I?

Well, here's a list of what I've had from Weeks that haven't even started yet!

Starting from the last week (of the five TRIGGER weeks) on Route to Management (ie Week 12) and working downwards...

Chocolate mousse, low fat - I had the Rosemary Conley ones sometime during Development
Crisps - well, let's not even go there!
Nuts and seeds - thought they were earlier in the programme (they are listed in Week 6). Doh! And the very upsetting thing is that peanuts, something I really was indifferent to may, in fact, be a massive trigger food. It started when the expert friend introduced me to Whole Food's own - fresh from the mixer - peanut butter. Now I don't like peanut butter - correction, didn't like peanut butter. At all. Now we cannot be left in the same room together. I polished off my mother's Weight Watchers peanut bars so now I've got some LighterLife peanut crunch bars and let's see what happens.
Popcorn - because going to the cinema means you MUST have popcorn. Yeah, right. Listen to that crooked thinking!
Sweets (any that contain less than 1g fat per 100g) - not sure if the travel sweets fell into that category but yes, as the husband is a sweet fiend, I have indulged. BUT I have not purchased sweets myself. So that's ok, then?!
Any Week 12 recipe where sugar and honey are indicated...hmm, so that means Week 12 is sugar week so I guess that's where all the muffins, biscuits, cake, etc that I have eaten would appear. If at all. Hmmm.

Week 11

Bread, wheat-based - yep! BUT BUT BUT there has been some progress on the bread since toast meltdown. My husband left the bread he didn't eat last weekend and, in the end, I had to throw it away because it was mouldy. This week I gave the leftover bread to my landlady. Out of sight and all that.
Tortilla - definitely have a penchant for those because I have had quite a few chicken wraps. Where I think it will be tricky is in a Mexican restaurant.

Week 10

Cheese - well, I had the cheese plate when we went out for dinner. And I had that cheese sandwich (brie) last Friday. BUT it didn't make me go bonkers. Cheese was a real challenge for me because I have steered clear of all cheese (apart from cottage cheese, of course). Oh yes, and the mozarella - that was tricky. On hour 3 of Route to Management! I am not sure I can control myself with buffalo mozarella.

Week 9

Grains - have managed to steer clear so far but I have had oats in the muesli that my husband bought (and I ate).

Breakfast cereals - apart from muesli, cereals are still untouched. Not sure what will happen there as I used to reach for the Variety Packs when feeling really unwell. And, of course, I didn't just have one of the packs....

Week 8

Staples - rice (not really had it and not really bothered - as I explained to someone, if we go out for a curry, I am happy not to have rice, as long as I can have a garlic naan. Hmmm. There is no control when the naan is out!)

Pasta - well, pasta and I go back a LOOOONNNNNGGGG way. I've been eating pasta since a child and not the wholewheat stuff, either. I started to go wheat-free last year and LOVED Tesco's wheat-free offerings. BUT I am not sure a small bowl will ever be enough. Apart from the one meal I had out with my husband, I have steered clear. Don't really trust myself. Let's see what happens.

Other: couscous - well, I've been eating couscous (never really liked it before) in salads - thought it came up earlier (that's where NOT reading the manual gets you)! Think couscous and I could be friends.

Noodles - not had noodles yet. But again, think a small bowl may never be enough.

And, of course, I had some wine before Week 5. Personally, if sugar is an issue, I don't see how and why alcohol is allowed before Week 12.

So, I really have been deviating from the programme because there are lots of things from Weeks 3 - 6 that I have already had, too. But these are obviously not deemed triggers.

I have a horrible feeling that Week 6 has many of my triggers - apricots (why eat one when you can eat 20?), avocado (just utterly gorgeous - really got into them from food combining), dates (great for PMT), mango (oh my!), melon (any time, anywhere!) and...nuts. You name the nut, I'll eat it. And last, but not least, the ultimate, ultimate comfort food...marmite!

On the one hand, I feel I have done Route to Management really badly. On the other, I guess I am making the most of the learning opportunities as they present themselves. And they are. Every single day. Particularly the sweet ones. Because a sweet deviation can boost energy (of course, it's a false energy - spiking your blood sugar levels and making your pancreas work overtime) but not leave you bloated!

I realise that's part of what I have been doing; I know my old weaknesses - panini with cheese and roasted vegetables- are just going to leave me in agony. But a lightweight muffin or packet of crisps leave...room for more. Or room for maneouvre!!!!!!!!

Soon, very soon, it will be time to bring in the big guns aka Paul McKenna's repulsion exercise. Right now, I am not ready to say goodbye to crisps. I know, that's a shocking, shocking thing to say, particularly since any flavour other than ready salted really aggravates my skin condition. But this is all about being honest, isn't it?

And please, no lectures on the crisps. I am aware, I am intending to sort it out and I think when I move back in, that might be the time to do it. Funnily enough, I managed to go quite a while without a hint of a crisp. But out of sight is not out of mind.

So, crisps are on the radar and I'm not sure about biscuits; I never had a problem with them before so I shall see when I come home properly what happens. If it's a no go, then they'll be on the list too.

Paul can help me help myself get rid of the bad stuff.

LighterLife Route to Management – Let Me Entertain You

OK, so this is where I am with Route to Management.

I have been doing anything BUT the programme.

First I thought it was a by-product of being on a VLCD – 'starvation rations' had made me crave sugar like the most desperate addict.

Then I blamed my life – right now - no husband, no dog, no home, no personal belongings, work stress – well, you name it, I blamed it!

Then I thought it was because I couldn’t do moderation; I am, after all, an all or nothing person, aren’t I?

Then someone in my Route to Management group said I clearly had issues with boundaries (how did she know?!) but she was talking boundaries between me and food. And I felt VERY hostile towards her.

What I have been doing since Day 2 of Route to Management is…interpretative management ie I’ll see what LighterLife suggests and then I’ll do my own thing. I then lost my Route to Management book for a few weeks... I’ve been doing my own thing for X weeks now. I say X because I don’t know how many weeks I have done! It's such a massive contrast to the efforts I put in with Foundation.

And then, finally, I got it. I don’t know if it was all the talk about addictions and being around people who aren’t using food but I began to think about why I struggled with planning. Who can forget my drama production of epic proportions on the 24-hour stay in the swanky hotel? I made planning my food A BIG DEAL.

So I was thinking, in an abstract way, why I find it so hard and then, doh! I realised. I have been using food, inappropriately. (I know, I know - I did know this already.) I am using food to cheer myself up, wake myself up, calm me down, distract me, sedate me (hot milk to induce sleep) and…to entertain me. So in that respect, I’m doing exactly what I did before but with a new-found missionary zeal – I monitor fat content, calorie content per 100g and protein. I guess I am just making the whole food thing more interesting, more entertaining, more challenging. After all, not all entertainment is positive, is it? (This is, of course, when I am not eating enough biscuits for a children’s party – tea time treats, Fox’s favourites, to name but two.)

And that’s when it dawned on me that what I really need to do (yes, using that language deliberately) is start planning my meals (oh, and following the programme properly). God, that makes me feel tense and restricted. Because then the meal planning would be about physical hunger, not about entertainment/distraction/numbing – brightening up a bad day.

This is a big moment for me because I feel sad. Really sad. I have allowed food to become a major player in my life – the starring role, particularly when I was fat. Even writing fat seems more aggressive than overweight but I have to face up the fact that at almost 17 stone, I was F-A-T. Fact. And now I am saying, thanks, food, it’s exit stage left for you; you’ll just be in the chorus line now. You’ll just be part of the scenery, not noticeable. Or, rather, not distinguishable.

Maybe I felt like this during abstinence, I can’t remember. I’ve been reading so many books about food, overeating, eating right, eating intuitively but one of them (Take it Off and Keep it Off by Anonymous) makes it clear; you plan your meals. In advance. You don’t put yourself into the lion’s den, where you’re never going to win.

But I am so resistant to this idea, with every fibre of my being. Structure and planning are alien to me. I crave routine but it doesn’t come naturally to me or, if it does, I like it for a couple of days and then I get bored (or just extremely uncomfortable). That’s where food comes in – the greatest distraction, ever. Who needs to be bored when you can think about food?

Where’s the excitement in having a week’s menu written down, purchased and ready in the fridge or freezer? Where’s the fun? Where’s the party? How am I going to cheer myself up now that I can’t look forward to meals in the same way?

I’ll tell you how bad it got; last weekend, there was a chance that my mother’s friend could travel back with me to London. On the one hand, I really wanted us to travel together but if we did, there could be no purchases at the buffet car apart from tea, coffee or water. On the other, if we were travelling separately, I felt it gave me a licence to eat – if I was on my own – and I could please myself. And part of me wanted that to be the case so that I could eat something “naughty” and off limits.

I really don’t know much about addiction but being sneaky seems to come with the territory. I wonder if this is why so many people binge/eat too much/eat the wrong thing in secret?

I don’t want to make a drama out of a crisis (ha!) but I feel as if I am on the threshold of something life-changing and I am not sure I like what I think I see ahead of me.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

PS I had a fantastic Management meeting. So it's not all doom and gloom and I am not the miserable martyr I think I have become of late!

New Order

Well, at long last I can have a desk in my own office, as it were.

I am hoping that having a phone, a computer and a makeshift desk and office chair will make me more efficient (and help me feel calmer). Ultimately, this WON'T be my office but...this is fine for now.

Please note essential items - poster of London bus and a cup of tea. With these by my side, I can't go wrong!

The Path To Heaven ...

is littered with good intentions!

Today was just one big trigger. It was also a day of two halves. The first half was dominated by biscuits - the builders' biscuits. As soon as I had one, the damage was done. Surely, I have learnt to walk away by now? Well, I did but I walked right back again, every time I made them tea. I reckon I consumed about 10-15 biscuits; I don't want to even think about the damage - the fat content, the sugar...and the setting myself up for failure. Again.

I had a nut crunch as my second LighterLife meal; I think I should be having three.

Tonight, however, was super virtuous. I think my landlady took pity on me and she gave me Curried Parsnip Soup (made with chicken stock so my acupuncturist will be pleased) and then I had a bowl full of veggies (red peppers, beetroot, onions, garlic and tomatoes) together with some lentils. I don't know if that is permissable but it was so fantastic. I had two small bowls (one of each) and it was enough. I also added some cottage cheese to the vegetables. Just to clarify - we are in a self-catering annexe so food (including breakfast) is not offered but my landlady is so lovely and after I showed her pictures of the weekend (me with the dogs and my mum), I think she felt what I really needed was some TLC in a bowl.

So, what were today's triggers? I am going to name and shame them because that's got to help, hasn't it?

Day of the week - Mondays are hard. However hard I plan, Monday comes as a shock to the system and I get overwhelmed by 8am! Not so great. The feeling overwhelmed translates into panic, which translates into 'get me a food that's going to give me ENERGY! Now'! I always seem to be in a permanent rush on a Monday so note to self - how can I make next Monday better?

Confrontation - or, in reality, how can I avoid any confrontation, at any time? For all my anger and passive-aggressive tendencies, I hate confrontation. I want to run away from it. Every time. One of my suppliers is playing silly bu**ers; I've had such a good relationship with everyone else and I am, to be honest, really quite angry because I feel bullied. Sadly, I've committed to something that I now regret. Hmmm. That old chestnut. This whole situation occurred because I misunderstood the builder's instructions, took a course of action to get someone else in and ...well, I'm paying the price now.

People pleasing - we've got new suppliers in today - the kitchen fitters. I went out of my way to be nice to them because, well, I like to look after everyone on site but maybe not to the degree that I have been. Builder no.2 is not happy right now and, stupidly, I am waiting for him to say it's been a fantastic job and I've been a great client. Why do I need that? Builder no.1 has already told me I have done a good job project managing. But I am focusing on the person who hasn't said anything. It's as if someone inside me is shouting, pick me, pick me, like me, like me. It's all a bit sad, really, isn't it?!

Lack of a base - I am finding that not really living in one place, not being based in one place for work and all the to-ing and fro-ing between the house and the B&B quite hard. I sit up in the loft and work but it's lonely, even with all the builders around. I don't feel I belong anywhere right now and that is really unsettling. It does seem harder, having just come back from my mum's. It felt very safe there.

Facing problems/challenges - I have noticed that whenever a big problem comes up, I feel terrified and worry that it's all going to go wrong. I think that's when my half-empty approach comes into it's own. I don't think I am naturally a negative person - I am definitely not pessimistic but I do find that I fear the worst. And by fearing the worst, I don't feel positive and confident.

Feeling scared - worried about whether this is all going to work - the house, the diet, the future. I don't feel confident about the future, I just feel terrified. That is painful to write, to be honest.

So, I have obviously got my caught in the headlights face and demeanour on today. The only thing I can do is have a bath and go to bed.