As if I didn't know now, well, since doing LighterLife, being on my own is a massive trigger for all sorts of negative activity - sad/depressed thoughts, chaotic eating (sporadic rather than hardcore bingeing) and feeling L-O-N-E-L-Y. I feel it would make a great Country and Western song.
Yesterday I stayed in bed, as my back was so sore. I did nothing. But instead of saying, ok, I am having a day off, I felt guilty for being behind with my work (on top of my laptop failing - I lost two days' work), guilty for the house still being in chaos and just generally rubbish. So the day 'off' was wasted - partly because I was incapacitated and partly because I couldn't make the most of it.
The strangest thing is that I used to spend hours and hours on my own, working, living, etc and now I've become almost phobic about it. I must admit it's when the crooked thinking (Peridot - have NOT forgotten you, btw!) comes out to party.
Anyway, last night the lodger aka the expert friend and I had a long chat, later joined by my husband and I now have an action plan to sell/give away (mainly give away) to charity or freecycle all the things that we don't need. I am only selling furniture.
Just like my weight held me back for years, well, decades, I can't let all the stuff from our past hold me/us back in our new house.
I still have many hang ups about (not being able to have) children - haven't given up hope - but the expert friend said something very wise (I wanted her to do a guest appearance here!) - she said, while there is all this stuff, there IS no space for children. And she is right. After my goddaughter visited last week, that was abundantly clear to me.
The other thing that she asked, fellow dieters take note(!), was whether all this stuff (boxes of it!) was making me resort to old eating habits. Was it giving me a reason (ie rationalising and legitimising) for poor eating choices? And, yes, it most definitely is. She said just as old habits will creep back, so will the weight. She was clear to say that five stone won't come back immediately but the pounds will creep back on AND if I am not addressing the causes of those poor eating habits, they will continue. I'm also beginning to understand that eating in this chaotic way is NOT being kind to myself. I may think I am enjoying a packet of crisps or biscuits but the enjoyment is so short-lived while the pain of having to lose those gained-back pounds is going to be much, much greater.
The frenetic bingeing HAS calmed down but rather than be structured about healthy meals, I am eating in an ad hoc basic - almost eating whatever is there.
On the forum, there has been talk of eating when you are full. On Route to Management, it's a tough call for some people. I definitely DON'T feel full after 20 minutes - more like two hours later, which leads to eating more than I need. There is an extremely wise member (Karion Dieting) who said she uses eating until she feels satisified. I keep forgetting this mantra but it is SOOOO useful, I think.
There is a William Morris quote:
“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful”. I am really going to apply that now.
But, I also think it applies to weight loss too, particularly once you are out of abstinence. It would be something like, "Have nothing in your fridge that you do not know to be healthy, or believe to be nutritious and tasty".
I remember, in the early days of Route to Management (when I WAS following it) the sheer delight and utter enjoyment of a meal with cottage cheese, rocket and balsamic vinegar. It was a totally satisfying meal. That recognition of taste has gone. I am not savouring my food in the same way. I want to get that back because when you really enjoy your food, you eat less.
I do feel as if I am on the tipping point, again, of life-changing stuff. LighterLife has changed me but I must admit I do recognise the old habits creeping in, with some new unhealthy ones (all things sweet) coming along! What I have to do is ensure that my environment and my personal network (sorry, that sounds a bit OTT) support the work that I have done this year - losing weight et al.
I guess, if I don't love something, I don't need to eat it or have it in my home. Hmmmmm.
Hmmm, eating until satisfied? It sounds deceptively easy - and as if we should all know when that is. For me though, there's a whole muddy area where is it emotional satisfaction or physical satisfaction I'm trying to attain? It has to be the latter but the former still sings a siren song.
love
Peridot x
Posted by: Peridot | November 26, 2007 at 10:38 AM