Today I had a difficult conversation with a friend. From my perspective, this friendship has been a bit of a one-way street of late (well, more than of late) and I tried to say this in my adult voice but it came out all wrong. In the end, I said I am sure it was my fault and the conversation was down to miscommunication.
I then ate afterwards because I needed to stuff down all the feelings that I was...feeling.
And I've felt uptight ever since. I woke up at 2.30am, have been tossing and turning ever since and eating nothing but dark chocolate digestives.
It's a complicated friendship and as I was explaining to my husband what had happened, I realised that one of the reasons the relationship is difficult is that I see a lot of myself in this person. And the bits I see are the characteristics that I don't like in myself. They also indulge in the "poor me, pity parties" that I like to throw myself.
I really didn't like myself afterwards and I think that is what has bothered me. I was afraid to say what I really thought but in a non-confrontational way?
Why didn't I just say that our financial situation is perilous, it's taken its toll but we are lucky with the lodger and even though I might have to face a four hour commute each day (if I get a job in London rather than continue to work from home), I am counting my blessings? Why did I whine like a petulant teenager instead of saying, it would have been really great to hear from you when the shit hit the fan? Instead, I have managed to make a situation that was bothering me, much worse.
And because it is worse, I ate more. And I realise that I have been eating my way through this discomfort for quite a while - it's been bothering me for a few weeks. Along with a few other issues, that is.
On Monday morning I woke up and felt blue. My back was hurting more, it was Monday (a massive trigger), I would be home alone all day - supposedly working - and I had a mountain of things to do that I didn't feel like doing. When I added all this up, I thought I might do a day of abstinence to take food out of the equation and clear my mind. It started well - I had a bar and a cup of tea for breakfast. I walked the dog and then went to the osteopath.
Looking back, I realise that the appointment could have made my day. Even though my back is more painful, the osteopath said the joint has stayed put (v.good) and that it was time for exercise (of the toning variety)! Yay!!! She also understood why I felt blue; pain like this CAN get you down, she said. (I was beginning to worry it wasn't going away. Ever.)
It was if she legitimised my already-present victim mentality and after my appointment, I went to various shops and bought crap food. With hindsight, I was looking for an excuse to eat food, in spite of knowing it is bad for me (biscuits and crips, as an example). I was SOOO happy that the osteopath said I could and should join the gym - to strengthen my muscles around the injured joint - yet I did not translate that joy into doing something good for me.
Why not?
It's all down to the story I tell myself (and now to other people) and it's SOOOO wrong because I am using food, again, rather than dealing with matters head on. I don't need to eat food to cheer me up, keep me entertained, distract me from drudgery. I don't need to eat unhealthy food just because someone disagrees with me (yes, when I got all whiney, the friend was having none of it). And I certainly don't need food to make me feel more relaxed after I have just had a difficult conversation.
I need to learn how to be upbeat and positive and not be afraid to share that with others. I think I am often so busy being sensitive others' needs that I overcomplicate matters for myself. I need to learn that everything needn't be a West End musical (I can make a drama out of a crisis). I need to learn that some people won't/can't be there for me in the way that I am for them and I either accept in graciously or I move on.
What I have noticed about myself is a very unattractive trait of whining (I know I have done it on the blog) but the irony is I absolutely hate the idea of anyone pitying me, if that makes sense.
All of these are just excuses - excuses to eat, excuses not to access to my adult state and excuses to blame everyone else but me.
I don't know which (ego) state I am in when I am like this but I know it's not a happy place. I also know it's a place where the logic is screwed and the thinking is definitely crooked.
And it's a place where the urge to eat is so strong that I just don't even bother trying to talk myself out of it.
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