There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again but expecting different results.
Last week I mentioned my one pound loss and my end of Route to Management session. Now, given that I had been feeling lardy and the last couple of sessions I had attended had equalled a weight gain of several pounds, you would think that I would behave in a different way. And so did I when I left class.
I got to the mainline station early (I left class early so I wouldn't miss my train and my husband- we were travelling back together). I wanted to eat but when I did a mini-thought record in my head, I realised I just wanted the equivalent of a hug and to be warm and cosy. So I managed to buy myself some chicken and vegetable soup, no bread (v.good) and, for the first time ever, a non-food reward - a magazine. That should have been enough.
But being 'good' felt odd. I was at odds with myself. I had also already texted my husband to ask him to get me a chicken wrap, just in case. So when we boarded the train, I didn't need the wrap. But guess what? I ate it anyway. And then later, when we stopped for petrol, I think I ate some crisps. Hello?!?!
Now that IS insane behaviour, all things (including the weight loss) considered. Of course, one chicken wrap is NOT going to equal a weight gain of five stone and that is EXTREME crooked thinking.
But what about all the other times when I have legitimised my food choices, particularly during Route to Management? I wanted to LOSE more weight in Route to Management, not gain it! To me, it's all crooked thinking; I want to lose weight yet I eat food that is not supporting that desire.
Sometimes it's an overwhelming compulsion to eat, sometimes it's a whim. And sometimes, I think, we give ourselves excuses why we must eat a particular meal. It could be social pressure, it could be frustration - you know the voicce that goes...I haven't been out, I deserve a treat, it could be any number of reasons. I remember feeling quite a lot of pressure to eat out in the evening of my birthday - because it WAS my birthday. It was expected. I didn't need that meal, not at all. I realise, with the benefit of hindsight (ha!) that abstinence taught me a very valuable lesson - you can go out and lead a "normal" life - but you have to be prepared for the (social) pressure - well-meaning or otherwise. And you have to prepare yourself mentally to do the right thing for YOU. That takes some resolve, I must say and I didn't have it.
I avoided going out, whenever possible, because I couldn't face the aggravation of explaining my diet (particuarly if it didn't work) and the subsequent spotlight on me. It was too much pressure.
But here's the irony - on Saturday, at the christening, I realised I could have done the whole day in abstinence. It would not have made any difference to my enjoyment of it nor my participation. I was there and that was enough.
When I first contemplated LighterLife, I asked the LLC (whose classes I didn't join) what she would do about eating out. Her response was something like "you have to ask yourself how much you want to lose the weight". At the time, I remember thinking that that was all very well for her etc etc but what about the social stigma of being the lardiest person at the table, presenting a sachet for lunch?!
Perhaps that was my crooked thinking; I don't know. But what I do know - now - is that she was probably right! And it pains me to say it.
Sometimes, however hard we say we WANT to do something, crooked thinking DOES get in the way. And it seems so rational, so logical that we argue ourselves out of doing what we really want to do. I know it sounds mad to say that I didn't want to eat that chicken wrap last week but it's true. I didn't. But there was some part of my brain that convinced me I did.
For those of you who are still in abstinence and are wondering which meals you should have over Christmas, ask yourself are they really worth it? Really and truly? What's more important? Getting yourself to the weight you want to be or the enjoyment of a meal and the mental toture that goes with it, before and afterwards?
And that leads me to another thought....
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