For the past few days something amazing has been happening.
I've had tiny moments - fleeting - when I have been really enjoying the here and now. This has been extraordinary because these are new feelings. They are fast and sporadic; blink and I miss them. But I AM aware of them.
I'm massively hung up about not being a mother. The enormous sense of failure and deep sadness don't seem to go away. But when I went to the gym tonight, I thought well, ok, I haven't got children but I can enjoy this.
It was the same with the London thing (yes, Lesley, I know we'll never agree on this one!). I'm beginning to appreciate what's here rather than what's not (ie what's in London).
I'm not at the stage where I automatically think I am almost 7 stones lighter than I was two years ago and, I can, therefore, do anything I put my mind to. But I am getting snatches of feelings of inner calm, acceptance and gratitude. It's good. The depressive feelings haven't gone away but now I have something else to compare them with. And I like the happier ones more!!
In spite of doing NLP and Tony Robbins, my automatic habit is NOT to access good states, to re-run successful/happy/enjoyable moments in my life. Instead, it's to say how utterly crap I am, how hard everything is and how I don't deserve success or happiness. That's crooked thinking - living and breathing.
So, I need to amplify the good and turn down the bad. I think it will also help with my food management. Today, when I contemplated eating, I thought about The Spice Girls. And I was motivated. Sadly, the girls were far from my mind when tucking into the honey roasted pecan nuts!!
But there is definite progress, tangible progress!
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