Done In

The worker bee is KNACKERED. Came home last night and briefly spoke to my husband and said...I might not talk to anyone now, until tomorrow morning when I get to work. That was a bit of a reality check, I must say. And made me feel thoroughly low. Now don't get scared but, for some reason, I keep thinking about death. It's not good. I keep thinking about being old and isolated and lonely. Believe me, I am not seeking these thoughts out - they are just coming, thick and fast, on the walks between home and the business park!

I think there is something about this job, surrounded by temps (graduates paying off debts before going travelling) that makes me feel my life is over. It's totally irrational, I know. My brain, this week, has gone into overdrive with fearful thoughts dominating my mind when I am not doing the job (which is SOOOO boring).

Yesterday, the food thing was really quite bad - (not bingeing furtively - no, in fact it was quite open - just eating crap) but definitely escaping from the reality of the business park world!

I came home last night via Waitrose and walked up and down the aisles looking for inspiration; I had no inclination to cook and was looking for...comfort. I worked it out (hardly complicated!).

I also had a massive moment of clarity; the kind and loving thing (as my LLC would say) to do for myself would be a healthy meal. But given that what I really wanted last night was love and TLC (yep, worked that one out), a salad wasn't really going to do it for me. I managed to see my mother briefly on Wednesday night after her return from India (we met at the London station!) and when I was in the supermarket last night, I thought, what I really want is someone to care for me. (A very close friend is going through the same thing right now so if you're reading....!!!!) And that's what I wanted the food to do for me - give me the equivalent of TLC - a hug, listen to me talk about my day and reassure me that all was good in the world. And, of course, that's how I used food for years - for decades, particularly when I lived on my own.

I don't associate a salad with mother-love and TLC, which is ironic now because my own mother is super healthy! I think of pasta and toast and comforting foods!

It was weird; I know all this stuff but it's still taking me by surprise. In the end. I bought one of those layered salads (probably incredibly UNHEALTHY - cheese, mayo and lots of grated carrots - you know the ones) and went home. I was going to cook something out of the freezer but, in the end, I had a glass of wine, watched a bit of Oprah on Sky+ and then had a bath and went to bed. I was in bed for 7.30pm. Porkchop rang me at 9pm and we had a brief chat.

I tried to explain how I feel - mentally - right now - ie all over the place. I am longing for London, I am longing for a 'big job', I am longing for a baby, I am desperate for some love. Porkchop said she felt I was in freefall right now. I think she's right.

In the meantime, Mrs Jupiter (yes, I got your emails!) is being super vigilant from a distance and she has given me a stern talking to about food. She has reminded me why I started all of this in the first place - because it was now or never on the baby front. But guess what? I lost sight of that a LONG time ago and now my husband isn't even here!

This weekend I am going to apply for a 'big' job! Incredible but true; it would take me back to London. It's an amazing opportunity but I just don't know if they will write me off at the first hurdle. It's a one-off job and it would take up every ounce of energy for a while but it would be something I am passionate about.

We shall see - if it's meant to be, it will happen.

Must dash - and now SO late and need to juggle getting myself out of the house, suited and booted and the dog walked!

As I keep saying to Porkchop, I really don't know how she does it with two kids, a building project, a tenant and a job, as well as a husband who is also away a lot.

And, lovely readers, I don't know how YOU have done this dieting malarkey in an office. It's temptation, temptation, temptation and triggers like I've never known. SO many other workers are doing the same thing - eating and drinking to escape.

I have nothing but complete and utter respect for you all.

Comments

[Peridot]

Working with a load of 'youngsters' can make you feel old (most of my office are under 30!) but you're just at a different life stage. They probably still have to label things before putting them in the fridge - and someone STILL nicks their milk/cheese/biscuits. And they have to queue for the bathroom - you have TWO!

Good luck with the job. I think that doing something you love is actually less sapping than doing something less stretching but that you really can't engage with.

And hope that the weekend in London is still on - perhaps that will help make you feel more cared for.

love
Peridot x

[Lesley]

Hey Mrs. I really don't like the sound of that Business Park. Please don't do it for too long. Good luck with the big job application - anything you love is easy to do.

Part of you sounds as though you are in freefall yes, but the tone of your writing is not as down on yourself as it was several months ago when you were still in development. Then I used to think how hard on yourself you sounded for every little infraction. Now, you have some pretty big stuff going on but yet you sound more accepting of the fact that sometimes things aren't perfect and life isn't always a bowl of cherries.

I hope that is the case because you really are coping with a lot of big stuff and the last thing you need is to be hard on yourself. I think you're doing very well and you keep on trying, keep on seeking the answers. That is so admirable.

The baby thing - it's omnipresent isn't it? I'm new to it but already it's beginning to be quite an important theme in my daydreams. It sounds as though you need to get it straight in your head what you're doing about trying for a baby. It's not something you can put on hold. Sorry if I'm treading on painful ground with size 7's but you bring it up a lot yet don't seem to have a plan. That must be difficult position to be in.

I'm rooting for you and I'm sure you'll find the happy place; you've looked for it everywhere, it's got to be there somewhere...where did you last see it???

love and hugs,

Lesley x