Home Alone

(Apologies for the disjointed post...the phone kept ringing!)

For regular readers, you'll remember I used to fantasise about writing the blog (amongst other things) from the loft, looking out of the big window.

Well, the dream has become a reality because the Expert Friend has vacated the space, we have no guests until Thursday night so I can creep up and get writing (and crack on with the long overdue admin!). I feel the room has been in very good hands! I have moved my iMac upstairs now so, from now on, I have no excuses!

It still has a temporary feel to it so I'll save the photos until the bed is made up and it looks a bit more lived in!

It's been a strange day; we were up at 4.50am as my husband had to leave at 5.20am. I spent three hours doing chores, walking the dog (briefly!) and rushing out, worrying about how much more I had to do. There really was a sense of panic - as if I couldn't leave the house without getting more done.

This panic, I realise, continues throughout the day; sometimes I catch it, sometimes I don't. I noticed it on the way home tonight; I thought about what I needed from the supermarket and what I should/could buy, "just in case". Just in case of what? It's my old train journey mentality, which we unpacked during Foundation - just in case I don't have access to food!! Blimey, oh Riley. At least I caught myself this time and managed to laugh at myself, too.

For the Geneen Roth fans amongst you, you know that she has been known to go to places, fully prepared - with little bags of food. Just in case! (And I don't mean that in a mocking way. I have much time for Ms Roth.)

As I was walking home at lunchtime, I was thinking about my food meltdown. I've decided to make a list of triggers but, unlike usual, I am not going to set myself the herculean task of noting down every single trigger from the past year and say I'll have the job done by tomorrow. No, I'm going to start going through my posts (because I don't have any mood/food diaries) and start logging them. From what my LLC says, there are bound to be some favourites. Off the top of my head, I know there are a few hormonal ones - that's for sure!

Because, unless I know what my triggers are, how can I fix/work with them? I have some strategies in place but not enough.

I know it sounds really bizarre but I have noticed that just when I am about to do something good - for me - I do tend to go for a bit of self-sabotaging (with food). Take tonight. I came in, changed, went out with the dog, walked her and then came in. And all I had to do was feed her and get myself up two flights of stairs to the loft where I could write, ie where I could start appreciating part of what I did last year with this house. So, did I? Did I heck! I managed to eat some food (not a foodpack) before removing myself. Literally. And was I hungry? Of course, I wasn't!

This is the first night of a new phase; the house really is empty and I won't speak to another human - face-to-face - until tomorrow morning at work. I may see someone when I walk the dog. I may not. The challenge is going to be to stay on the straight and narrow and keep myself busy. Fortunately, I have more than enough to do - but even that is going to be a balancing act - the moment I feel overwhelmed, I'll want to bury my face in something to eat. Being/feeling overwhelmed is a MASSIVE trigger for me.

Food-wise, today hasn't been brilliant but it hasn't been an unmitigated disaster. Given that I have taken so many painkillers and was absolutely NOT wanting to go to work AND it's a Monday (another trigger!), I've not done too badly - all things considered. But it's not sustainable in the long term and that is the challenge; whatever I decide to do - go back to abstinence, give RtM another go, etc - I am going to have to find a way.

As a complete aside, now that my husband is back on an assignment, he is eating out every night. This time round, his team is predominantly female (last time they were all male and ate together three times a day!) and I said that the fairer sex would definitely NOT want to eat out every night - guaranteed. And I was right. There is, however, one other male team member so, last week, on Valentine's Night when the girls sensibly ordered room service, my husband and his male colleague were dining a deux! He made me laugh tonight because they are having a 'romantic rerun' - same restaurant, blah blah blah. At least one of us is getting spoilt!!!

Comments

[Sam]

Sorry to hear it a challenge at the moment, we all know what that is like.

Try to look after yourself and be pleased with the things you have achieved.

I envy your loft space, it's sounds brill

Keep Posting

Sam xx

[Lesley]

Hi Mrs! That loft sounds nice - now I can picture you in an airy space composing your lovely, thought-provoking missives. Now, just stay out of the kitchen of doom for a bit and we're sorted.

I'm in a bit of chaos up here. D fast asleep, Shelagh a bit shell-shocked and me wondering how much care she needs and whether she actually HAS finished giving birth!

I think tomorrow will be a bit nuts but after that it should settle down.

You keep up the digging, the mulling and the posting and it'll all come good. I've got a good feeling!

I like the idea of your H having an "alternative" Valentines dinner! I did that once in London years ago....a friend and I had arranged to have dinner not realising that it was the big V Day and ended sitting in a restaurant chock full of couples billing and cooing and being treated with exaggerated care by the waiters who obviously thought we were an item and didn't want to offend us!! Very funny.

Anyway, keep it up.

Lesley x