Lip Service

So, Lesley posed the questions:

"What's your strategy at the moment? Or are you just taking it one step at a time? You are maintaining (broadly) aren't you? Do you want to lose what you gained or are you going to accept a bit of extra weight and buy some more clothes??"

And here are the answers, being scrupulously honest as I always aim to be:

Strategy? What strategy? I have no strategy at all; it's chaos, chaos, choas. I'm operating from one extreme to the other - ramrading through the non negotiables! This week I've gone from making up a muffin at work in the microwave to buying a packet of McCoys from the vending machine and having sugar in my tea and coffee (I almost made it to two weeks without coffee). I'm here, there and everywhere. And nowhere. My eating has been like those two extremes this week but on a much bigger scale.

Sadly, since just before Christmas, I have been gaining, creeping upwards - sometimes in big steps, sometimes in little steps. But it's not downward and I don't even look at my numbers in my little white book because I think I would be so angry with myself.

I think I am just shy of 11 stone now; I want to be 10 stone if toned, 9 and a half if not. I definitely want to be able to fit into size 12 trousers easily. I am not a pear so my frame is really rather small; if the trousers ain't doing up, it's because I've got the swiss ball tum thing going on! I am never going to be a 12 on top and I don't worry about that in the slightest - I am happy to buy size 14 tops. If I was super toned, I might even be able to get into a size 10 pair of trousers. But that would be the result of serious gym work.

And here's the thing - nothing I do is consistent. I joined the gym because the Expert Friend paid. As soon as she stopped going, I stopped, even though I was seeing results! It just wasn't enough.

I'm also nervous of the gym; I spend two weeks out of every four wondering if, this time, I might be pregnant so I am too scared to do anything strenuous. After five years of operating like this (bar the time of abstinence), you'd think I'd realise I'm wasting my time being so ridiculously cautious. I've seen so many fertility experts who make it clear that only gentle exercise should be considered if you are trying for a baby. And that has stayed with me.

And then there is all the external stuff; I've really begun to understand just how much of my life is dominated by external events - however big or small. And with that external-centric mindset, comes huge internal turbulence. I then try to calm that turbulence with food.

I need to do several things because the food thing is getting out of hand again. Old habits are coming back - tonight I've eaten, pretty much, non-stop since walking in the door at 6pm (with the exception of walking the dog for 45 minutes). And it's random stuff that I am eating.

Right now, I think I am just paying lip service to the programme. Even the water consumption has dropped again. Sometimes I have a pack, sometimes I don't. I still go to class but not always with a good heart.

I really have lost my way and I don't know how to get back again. Did you know that there is a new Management book? Well, it's for the people who have done Route to Management. I started reading it and it made me feel so inadequate, which then translated into how much can I eat? It was a MASSIVE trigger - the biggest in a long, long time. Now what's THAT all about?

So that's where I am. The hormones are really playing havoc with my body and, once again, I am in a lot of pain and certainly don't have the patience of a saint. I've become exhausted, moody and uptight. All within a couple of days. That's nice!

It's not right but I just don't know what to do. One thing's for sure, I am NOT behaving like a slim person nor am I looking like one. Sometimes, I find myself wondering whether I actually did a VLCD or, more usually, knowing that I did but believing, somehow, that it is totally not connected to who I am now. Errr. Wrong.

So, lovely Lesley, something has to give; whatever I have done to date, I can tell you that it is not compelling enough to make me want to keep the faith. I like walking. I love the allotment. I like eating fresh fruit over chocolate biscuits. All these things, in isolation, make me feel good - but not in a sustained way - and I haven't found a way of stringing them together so that the gaps between them don't become filled with food. Does that make sense?

Yes, there is much physical work to do but there is even more head stuff to do (which I am resenting right now) to ensure I can talk myself out of/round sticky situations. Tonight I zoned out when I ate; it really was as if I wasn't there. It's those moments I need to tackle because it's not as if I had a couple of cheeky carrots. I consumed a lot of food and I didn't even feel full! Well, of course, I wouldn't; I'm trying to fill an emotional chasm with food, not nourishing myself with what I really need. And I don't know what that is anymore.

Yes, a radical rethink is needed but I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I thought losing weight would genuinely make me feel better but I have been astounded, at times, at how little an impact it seems to have had. And with that in mind, where's the motivation to continue?!

Comments

[Sam]

Hi,

It's been a long time away, and I am busy trying to catch up with those who were travelling a similar path last year.

I have read your latest post and (am afraid) took some comfort from it as helped me to see ...... 'IT'S NOT JUST ME'.

I too have had to loosen the notches on my clothes since 08/12/2007 and I am furious. However it seems not mad enough to be consitant enough to do something about it.

Where has the drive and determination gone?

I agree the head stuff goes hand in hand with smaller portion sizes, and what I struggle most with is the continual nature of it.

Hey can't I just have a day off? LOL

Take Care, and I will be watching with interests to see how you get your MOJO back. Any spare send me some down the wires

Sam xx

[Sandra]

Hey Mrs - just caught up with the last 9 posts (I can't check blogs at work these days) and it sounds like it's been an emotional week with the EF leaving and OH attending job interviews and guilt about the dog.

I've been trying to remember the lessons from LL when life gets me down - specifically the one about eating not resolving whatever issue you have. I have to admit I have failed to make it work.

Anyway, I thought a 'me too' might help but please cut yourself some slack. You seem to cope with all kinds of crises and still get on here most nights to fess up or provide support to others. You don't give yourself enough credit and always seem to come down on yourself like a tonne of bricks. In many ways you are the success of the little group of bloggers!