Dress Down Day Dilemma

Friday is dress down day at work. It was also dress down day on Thursday but the email went round after I had left for the day on Wednesday so I felt like a pillock all suited and booted and probably seemed like a tightwad, too, since it was for charity!!

Anyway, the skinny jeans (size 12 from M&S - the ONLY M&S jeans I could find that fitted me) have bitten the dust. The thigh area had worn thin and then, the last time I wore them, they became very distressed ie when I sat down, they ripped! I kid you not.

So, I am jean-less. Well, I still have the cut-off jeans but they are not suitable for the office - even on dress down day.

So....since I have no other clothes, I had to raid my old supply of big jeans. I have given away all my fat clothes bar one Evans top that I loved and every single pair of jeans - five in total I think - that I possessed before, during and after LighterLife. I bought a pair from Sainsbury's - size 14s - that were an in-between pair. So they have hardly been worn. But they fit now. They are packed with lycra - so stretch - and the legs are roomy but there is no space in the waist area.

It really was a good wake up call; I am going backwards. I bought those jeans months and months ago. So, in my mind, the eatathon plus has just - essentially - undone months of hard work. Obviously, the inner-skinflint is glad to be able to have some more wear out of these jeans but they remind me of being like an American Tourist on vacation. They are roomy jeans. They are not flattering. They are not particuarly stylish. They are middle-aged jeans. They are make-do jeans; you know the score, when you go into a shop, as a bigger person, it's not about choice. It's about making do with what's on offer.

Anyway, those jeans did me a favour because yesterday it was someone's 21st birthday in the office and birthdays, as with leaving days mean one thing only. Food. Cakes, biscuits, sweets. For the first time in three weeks I did not have one single morsel. I just zoned out. I had a pack during my mid-morning break, a bar at lunchtime, a pack when I got home and then a normal-ish meal later on. Still heavy on the carbs (pasta) but stacked up with salad.

When my husband came back I had half a wholemeal muffin - toasted - simply because I was making it for him and was too tired to argue myself out of it.

Anyway, Lesley's efforts are really hitting home right now. It's like last year all over again; Lesley had started earlier and I was massively motivated by her success (and efforts).

I have another LighterLife friend who is going for gold with Route to Management and I have been toying with the idea of doing that. But, at the end of the day, what I really need to do is get to a weight that I am happy with and can get closure on, if that makes sense. I am still hung up by not making it to 5 stone (which would mean a total weight loss of 7 stone). Ridiculous, I know. But maybe that's just what I need to do. For me.

Full-on abstinence is not going to work for me again. But Lesley's solution seems workable, which of course is like the early weeks of Route to Management!

Anyway, the other thing I want to say here is that I have noticed I have started dressing to disguise the fat; it is basically in one place - my trunk. But I am wearing big floaty scarves, etc. Yesterday, to hide the cottage loaf effect from the jeans, I wore a zip-up top and subsequently roasted. It's just another reminder of all the things I used to do. All the time. And how self-conscious I felt. All the time.

And when I feel that uncomfortable in myself, I can't be myself. I am too busy trying to disguise what is obvious to everyone else!

So, ironically, the dress down day dilemma - the what can I wear panic(?!) - has done me a massive favour. It's the first time I have had to resort to fat-ter clothes, which really isn't the same as being squeezed into new clothes! It really did spark off something inside that said, last year can't have all been for nothing.

I've talked about the slippery slope, I written about it but I haven't really felt it deeply until now. Losing weight, particularly towards the end, was all about two step forwards, one back, maybe even two back but there were always more steps forward - on the horizon. Right now, unless I take action, there will just be more steps back. Whatever happens, however much I am driven to eat for whatever reason, I cannot let that happen.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I am hitting the allotment later, even though the forecast is heavy rain! At least the soil will be easier to work!

Comments

[Lesley]

Hi there chuck. I know how you feel...you just get to the point where you realise you're being daft and suddenly it makes sense. I feel good now and I'm sure with just a few short weeks of effort you will too. I'm glad to have been of service!

I have posted some puppy porn for you!!

Good luck and don't worry about the jeans, you won't be wearing them for long!

Lesley xx

[Alison]

At least you realise what's going on. You haven't just worn the bigger jeans and ignored your weight and what that means to you. Well done for resisting the cake and office goodies; that's the first step back to size 12! xxx

[Peridot]

How like you to take a negative and turn it into a positive - amazing (and humbling) stuff. Buy some decent jeans though - there's no point in punishing yourself by wearing something that's not flattering. Feeling good about yourself must be a motivator too!

love
Peridot x