The Lard Arms

Taking Care - Day 6 (I think)

Well, the taking care routine has been incredibly insightful with lots of trial and error involved, so I guess that's A GOOD THING!

First things first...the contrast between home-cooked and/or healthy food and poor-choice/nutrition-deficient food continues to be very marked, very obvious and...finally, finally getting through to me! It doesn't mean I am making healthy choices all the time, au contraire, but I AM recognising the difference in how I feel afterwards.

So, while my mother was here, I ate very well, even if it was a Rosemary Conley nightmare! When my husband returned, I noticed his preference (particularly after a hard day at work) is for convenience food and not particularly healthy! On Friday night we had normal oven chips, Quorn burgers and salad and I felt rather rough afterwards because I ate too much and it wasn't satisfying in the way that the sweet potato wedges had been. With poor/junk food, I don't seem to be able to walk away...

I am also really trying very hard to stick to three meals a day, which is easier to manage while at work. No surprise there!

I have found this weekend, which has been carb-tastic that much as I love pasta, even the wholewheat version, it really doesn't agree with me. Well, not in the quantities I have been eating! I have been using wheat-free pasta for about 18 months now but I decided as it was white (and therefore probably higher GI blah blah blah), it probably wasn't great for my blood sugar levels. So I made the switch to wholewheat but it hasn't worked. At least I tried.

After Friday's not so great meal, my husband has cooked lots of healthy and yummy soups for us, which I will have during the week. They are literally packed full of goodness.

Another thing I have learnt this week is that not all cereals are addictive! I can leave bran flakes, even if I scoff two bowls. My husband's Cheerio's are another matter altogether, sadly. They are highly, highly dangerous.

Part of this new regime has involved deliberately NOT doing very much, either. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I relax and then I go to bed, after a long soak. This weekend has been very similar - lots of sitting on the sofa, reading, relaxing except I have eaten too much for two days running - at my mealtimes. I had a very late lunch today - of soup - but I was so stuffed (it had lots of pasta in it) that I skipped supper. This is incredible! I literally couldn't eat another meal but, I'll be honest, that would not have stopped me in the past. My husband cooked himself an easy supper, which I could smell. Up until last week, I would have had some, even if I wasn't hungry. I am trying to be more adult, or at least access my adult voice and I knew it made no sense to have another meal. I had some zero fat yoghut at about 9pm.

I am thinking of re-joining the gym for a month or two. The job that I applied for - where my day rate was more than my total weekly wage - was a no-go. The client has decided they want to make it permanent (I had to chase the agency) and I definitely don't want a permanent job right now. So it's back to the drawing board on the work front BUT I have decided, much as the call centre is badly paid, it could work in my favour with going to the gym. My mother has taken the dog - she's having a ball - and even though I could easily go for a walk without her, I find I am not doing. I am beginning to view the gym as something beneficial for me. it's a different mindset to "I MUST go to the gym because I CAN'T put on weight" one that I had just before Christmas. I am hoping by going with a different attitude, I will get more out of it and maybe find myself wanting to go. I must admit I have a longing to swim and at least it has a decent pool.

The allotment has been on hold due to the appalling weather but it will be business as usual once we get to the planting stage!

So, tomorrow marks Taking Care of Myself Week 2. I have found myself thinking about what I would LIKE to eat this week and how I can build that in. This is NEW behaviour; the thought of menu planning used to make me run a mile but I have decided slowly and surely is the way to do this part of the weight loss (ha!) journey.

Welcome Curlygurl

Welcome, Curlygurl! I am glad you felt bold (enough to post a comment) and hope that this will be the first of many!

It's SO lovely when someone new comments on the blog; it's exciting (well, all comments are always very much appreciated) because it's someone new for us all to 'meet'.

I was very interested to read about Curlygurl's experience of LighterLife and I hope she won't mind that I have reproduced them here:

"I did LL foundation (was in the lovely Peridot's group) but didn't make it into RtM or indeed to my initial goal weight. I am probably about 2 stone lighter than I was when I started (but 2 stone heavier than what I thought my goal weight was), but I this is a size and shape that I'm comfortable with.

I had a few months where I struggled with LL and I was eating all sorts of rubbish and generally feeling terrible - both physically and mentally, as a result. The catalyst for me calling time on LL and sorting myself out was The Food Doctor. His book made sense to me and as given me some sort of sensible structure to plan my meals around but isn't so restrictive as I have to think of it as a diet and therefore rage against it. It's definitely worth checking out of the library.

Another site which offers great support - and is free is www.sparkpeople.com They will provide you with weekly diet and exercise plans if that what you want. Like Weight Loss Resources - but free!!! And you can collect points for reading their articles and tracking your exercise and dietary intake and your spark gets bigger and brighter the more points you gather. Childish I know but it motivates the hell out of me!!!"

I don't think it sounds childish at all; we all need motivators where we can find them and I am rather partial to points/stars, etc!

I thought Curlygurl's comments were very interesting - being happier at a heavier weight than she first imagined. Second, the comments about struggling with LL and eating 'all sorts of rubbish'; there is something about the deprivation, I think, that makes us go a bit bonkers at the end. I still can't work out whether LighterLife made me more obsessed by food (that I couldn't eat) or revealed just how much I was fixating on food (to fix me).

It won't surprise most of you to discover that I already have the Food Doctor's book on my shelf...somewhere! Based on Curlygurl's comments and Goombagirl's, I am going to revisit. I do remember his success with Richard and Judy fans!

Anyway, welcome to Curlygurl and I am glad you put your oar in, as it were!

Taking Care - Day 2

One of the things I love about Lesley's blog is her logging of each day; it's something that I wish I had done - just so I could log how LONG I have been doing something.

Anyway, even though there is no 'Taking Care (of Myself) - Day 1', here's an update and a new start (sort of)! I must admit, I have been inspired by a very good LighterLife friend who is really getting into her cooking; it has sparked something in me, too. Maybe she will come in and share.....?!!

Day 1 worked out quite well, if a little calorific - (slight understatement!!!) and WAY over on the fat content. I don't even need to sit down and add everything up - I KNOW it exceeded any sort of daily limit. But I have decided habits first, content second. Whether this is totally misguided, I have yet to find out!

I had bran flakes at 4.30am because that's what time my husband got up to get a cab to the airport and fly to his client's office! I then wasn't organised to have 'breakfast' (remedied by Day 2) so bought a sandwich en route to work, which I had mid-morning. I also bought fruit at the same time; snacks are going to be fruit.

Lunch was with my mother in the ubiquitous coffee chain - a cheeky toasted something. Let's just leave it at that; I really savoured it, though. Every single mouthful. Our local, healthy cafe is closed for refurbishment so I couldn't have soup.

When I came home after work, I had some more carbs - just for good measure (!) - two slices of bread with hummous. Supper was brown rice, petis pois and cauliflower cheese. And a piece of fruit afterwards.

The reason I am documenting all of this is because I really enjoyed what I ate; I'll be honest, the enjoyment of food had long gone. And hands up, if there's a feeding frenzy going on ie a binge, the purpose is to quosh feelings not to delight tastebuds!

Today was better; breakfast was a tiny bowl of muesli with live yoghurt rather than milk. Delicious and sustaining until hunger - genuine physical hunger struck at 12.00pm but my lunch break wasn't until 1.30pm. I ate some fruit and it didn't quosh it. So I went to the vending machine and bought some Ryvita minis; they weren't great but a hungry person doesn't argue. I also bought some crisps - I know, SO unnecessary. That was an old habit - just making its presence felt! I need to have a small protein snack on hand for when physical hunger strikes again - just in case. Sadly, the minis weren't enjoyable enough so I shared them with my colleague and ate the crisps. Not good. Never mind. New behaviour is to learn from my mistakes and MOVE ON - not to give myself a very hard time.

Lunch was a re-run of yesterday; my mother is going back tomorrow and one of her friends had come from London. But THIS time I was really conscious that a whole panini was too much!!! Oh my God! I still ate it (come on, I am just beginning of a new behaviour model!) BUT there was the realisation that it was too much. I am really paying attention to what I eat and trying to gauge my physical hunger when I do.

Supper was something that my husband had bought me; Cauldron Vegetarian Enchilladas. My verdict? Don't bother; the meal was like a vegetarian (frozen) lasagne of old ie from years ago. Really glutinous. I also tried some McCain's roasted sweet potatoes with rosemary and garlic. Now, they were really delicious. I am not going to rely on packaged food but remember I hate cooking. I just want to state, for the record, that they were more delicious and more satisfying than any chips! And they are something I can make myself. If I can get myself excited by healthy and tasty alternatives, surely that's got to be the right way to do it?

I also had lots of salad with the meal, so I am trying to be balanced.

So after two days, I am enjoying food, eating three meals and snacking on fruit (with one slip). I could freak out about the calorie content but instead, I shall see what it might be and then compare it with what it could be (in an ideal world).

One of my friends sent me some jeans from Primark; they are the stretchy ones. I admired my friend's at Christmas; she was wearing size 10 and suggested I go for 12. Well, they arrived today and I put them on. At Christmas they would have fitted. Sadly, they don't now. Never mind. They are a lovely goal to have; I will get in them, just not sure when.

Oh and finally, finally; my mother's friend said that she thought I was too thin last September (definitely at my slimmest). She said that I looked gaunt and she was worried; I said that I have put on quite a lot of weight since then and she said, "well, you look better for it, to be honest and I can't see the weight gain"!

It's interesting, isn't it? I really did like my size at that time but it seems, no one else did!

PS the significance of the picture - the champagne tower - is because my LLC often uses this analogy - we must treat ourselves like the top glass ie we get filled first and then everyone else/everything else comes next. So I am trying to put myself at the top of the tower....

When is a diet not a diet?

When is a diet not a diet?

Well, how's this for crooked thinking? I never used the four-letter word to describe my time on Foundation or Development (or Route to Management, for that matter). I don't think I ever used the phrase, "I am on a diet".

I used all sorts of euphamisms, talked about detoxing, rehab', programme, regime but never the 'd' word.

Because diets for me = one thing and one thing only. Failure.

Now, of course, LighterLife IS a diet! Like any VLCD (very low calorie...diet), it's the mother of all diets!

I'll be honest, I've had to give myself a good talking to this weekend because the nonsense had to stop.

I really fu***d up Route to Management - almost from the offset. And I beat myself up, relentlessly, about how badly I was failing to 'do' Route to Management and beyond perfectly.

The pounds didn't go on straight away, as most of you know, but now, I am closer to a two stone gain and that's no good.

I probably have written this somewhere else and apologies if I have but it's time for another reality check. One of my LighterLife group said that Route to Management must be viewed like any other diet; you've just got to do it. But that notion sent me reaching for something unspeakable like crisps, cheese or pasta - in sheer defiance of doing yet another diet. Sadly, the notion of dieting (abstinence aside) brings out my rebellious child big time.

But I have realised something this weekend; my way has not been working since before Christmas, which means at least three months. Three months of consistently undoing what I spent the previous 10 months trying to achieve. How mad is that?

I reckon, since pre-Christmas, I have felt every emotion going and compensated for it/negated it/run away from it/embraced it/rejected it ....with food when the going got tough. And slowly but surely, my old habits crept back in.

Even though I bought a load of foodpacks last week with the intention of doing abstinence, the reality is it just isn't going to happen. So I need another way.

Several of the successful weight holders in our group say that cutting out alcohol is a good place to start (stemming the slippery slope progressing any further); some say that bread/wheat really aggravates the bloatedness (and I guess lardiness) feelings so that has to be re-evaluated. And some say that sugar is the devil incarnate and must be avoided at all costs.

I am determined to discover what works for me. Permanently. And I am determined to find a way of eating and living (not existing). Lesley has prompted me to think about Weight Loss Resources (I think). Alison (Losing the Lard) is making me rethink weight loss, as is Peridot's.

I don't know the answer but this weekend - with time and space - has given me the much-needed rocket to stop messing around. I have made a decision; I am going to look after myself. Properly. This is radical and alien behaviour but it's time.

Since I have started temping, I have made poor food choices because...I haven't had time, I haven't had the inclination or the know how to do anything else. I have never taken any pleasure in feeding myself ie preparing tasty food just for me. Well, now is the time to find out how.

So, post-Easter, you find me on a mission. I don't think it will be easy but I am determined to do my best. What a revelation it will be ... to enjoy my own food!

I have so much to learn but I think it will be fun! xxxxxxxx

The Sleepathon is Calling

I don't know what you all have planned for Easter but I hope you're all going to be super kind to yourself and treat yourself to something lovely - whatever that is.

I am going to sleep. Really sleep. I have earmarked two days. To do nothing. Can you believe it?! It will be all the sweeter because I feel as if I have really earned it, too.

Of course, there is a chance I will be wide awake but somehow, I have got to bank those zzzzzz.

Last Sunday evening, I made my husband (and myself) go to bed before 8pm; he was resisting (and believe me there were no bedroom antics planned)! I said we need to sleep. Well, we did. We managed 10 hours and it wasn't enough. That was a warning sign for me that I am massively sleep deficient.

An amazing American doctor, whom I admire, said that if she has been travelling, she sleeps for 15 hours straight through. Straight through???? Incredible but guess what? She legitimised my desire to sleep.

I've only ever felt this tired once before - when I was a student, having spent the summer looking after two children under five. When reading week started, I stopped. And slept. It was the best thing I could have done and I really listened to my body. Sadly, it was a one-off, a one-day special - maybe because I've learnt to suppress those feelings of tiredness with all sorts of stimulants - tea, carbs, diet coke.

On Sunday, my mother is returning with the dog. So we'll have some family time too. And maybe the expert friend will visit, too. I want to be ready, on Sunday, feeling great. Feeling refreshed. We cannot afford a holiday right now but I am figuring two days in bed should sort me out nicely. On the way home tonight, I am purchasing bubble bath, Nitol, water and not much else. I reckon it's just what the doctor ordered because however tired I am, I know my husband is even more so.

Happy Easter, everyone. Just think where we all were a year ago....

Talk, Talk, Talk

I think, at long, long, last, I might have had an AHA! moment.

Have you ever been in a situation where many people around you are telling you things but, for whatever reason, you don't hear them or you hear them but don't want to acknowledge what they are saying? Or, you just aren't even listening.

For ages, and ages and ages - and I think almost without exception - all the regulars have commented that I can be a little tough on myself at times. Pause for smirking! Just a bit, you might be thinking! Aha, yes indeed!

Anyway, I think I finally got it today. And I am not sure why. I can't pinpoint one thing; perhaps it was just all the smaller things coming together for one magic moment.

First, last week my LLC said that it might help me to look at the Johari Window chapter in the LighterLife Green Foundation book. I remember I never really got it last time and dismissed it. Anyway, one of my Foundation Friends was sitting next to me and she had a copy of one of Geneen's books with her and she pointed out a sentence, which in short said that what's most uncomfortable to read or hear is probably what we need to pay most attention to. So I made a mental note to read the chapter, which I did this morning when I was trying to wake up after a bad night's sleep. It still didn't really resonate for me but, maybe, in three or four years time, I'll look back at this and realise it was significant! I don't know. I just can't see it at the moment.

Anyway, anyway, I digress. As I didn't have a lunch break today (used up time to go to the dentist), I was around the office a lot more and in and out of the tea room. I think I have mentioned, not immodestly, I hope, that I seem to have brought people together; there is a real buzz in the tea room/canteen (it's v.small) now because people are connecting. I was talking to one of my colleagues about taking time off and then we both spoke to another, longer-standing colleague who joined in our discussion about the nature of our work, the way the different teams function, etc. My Algerian friend and I are in one department but in different teams. Our work is monotonous but international; secretly, we both want to be in a different department because...their work seems less boring. But, as our longer-standing colleague told us, this really isn't the case and we were better where we were. Interesting but not relevant to the story, I realise!

The longer-standing colleaguee also talked about taking time off work and she reminded us that, when she first joined, she used to take off every other Friday; as a temp, you work for two weeks to earn one day's holiday. In effect, she only ever worked a full, five-day week, every fortnight. She is a super healthy, super bright woman. She said that even though the work was not taxing (ie we don't think about it when we leave), she said it was draining - perhaps due to its monotony. She said she had found it draining, physically, which had taken its toll.

There was something about the way she spoke and what she said that something inside me clicked. I have been beating myself up about not adjusting to office life more quickly. Well, let me rephrase that, it has taken me a while to acclimatise to full-time work in an office; I am not afraid of hard work, far from it, but I am used to, in part, working hours that suit me. I haven't done 9-5 for almost a decade. Of course, it's going to take time. I have felt guilty about sending the dog to my mother's - just so I can catch up with myself. But why? She's having a complete ball. But hey, that's the way it is.

I don't know where this drive to beat myself up comes from but it is pretty relentless. And then, last week, something one of my Management group said, just really really struck a chord. She talked about the effects of bingeing and how it was self-punishment, pure and simple. Well, of course it is. I knew it before but I heard it and registered it this time.

I think I really have been using food to punish myself for not being perfect, not being 100% on the ball, all the time, every single hour of the day.

I'll give you a really, really frivolous example; I used to have an electric toothbrush but I got slack, didn't charge it and then I noticed a lot of gunky stuff got stuck round the base of the head. I felt really bad about it - I can remember the voice in my head being really rather disgusted (with myself). Cue: internal telling off! And then I heard Jonathan Ross on the radio talking about the very same thing. I smiled and realised he had legitimised my slovenly toothbrush ways.

Is any of this making sense? Do I really sound off my rocker, now?!

And then, finally, tonight, reading Sarah's (Cerulean) comments (after I had found her blog updated) - something else clicked. Sarah's words made me realise we've all been on a hell of a rollercoaster ride in the past year; what we did WAS dramatic. It was BIG. It was life-changing at some level, and we need to acknowledge that. I don't think I have appreciated the mental, physical and emotional drain it has been (even when it was totally liberating)!

Of course, I am still trying to watch Oprah whenever I can; our Sky + box is full of episodes that I am desperate to finish! Anyway, Oprah and Bob Green are doing their big Live Your Best Life thing again and of all the things I heard, what really jumped out were his words, "This is a lifestyle change; it's not about the food." Sarah wrote on her blog something along the lines of she was too busy to mope around and eat biscuits and she's right. Of course, we've probably all been too busy but, somehow, I have STILL managed to find time to eat my bete-noire equivalent - crisps!

As Peridot has observed, I need to find the equivalent high that crap food gives me! I haven't found it yet - well, not all of it. But if I keep trying, I WILL find it. The allotment comes pretty close but it's not practical, at the moment, to factor that in on a daily basis.

When you feel you aren't worthy, life takes on a whole different perspective; it isn't a joyful or energetic one. I can speak from the heart!

So, I am not there yet but I feel closer. Please let me know (paranoia still nicely present!) if any of this makes sense and if you've felt it too. The comments today really stopped me feeling so isolated and c**p, which is partly why I stopped blogging.

Phew!

I'm glad I've got that off my chest; I am now shattered and am heading off for bed. Have a great Wednesday everyone.

Even a quick hello can make SUCH a difference

Well, comrades, a small victory, which I know you will all appreciate.

I came home and instead of going into the kitchen - straight ahead from the front door - I came upstairs and took a shower! Yes! I was awake during the night - the insomnia has returned - massive, massive sigh and I could easily eat carbs galore. But the shower has made me feel pretty good, I must admit.

And now, I am lying on my bed, reading your lovely comments, as well as a fabulously cheering email from my aunt and I feel a zillion times better. Peridot - your comments made perfect sense!

As those LighterLife chums will appreciate, I walked around the hole!

Anyway, some news; I visited my hygienist today - she also did LighterLife but I didn't know that until last September, when I was several months down the line. She is a lovely girl; very friendly and warm. She said my gums were in tip-top condition, particularly since my last visit. Apparently, my gums were not in a happy state - not at all - the last time they were inspected. This is very common, it seems, after a VLCD. I am going to look back through my posts over Easter to see if I mentioned my visit then. She has put on all the three stones that she lost and another half a stone to boot. But she says she is two dress sizes smaller! It was really good to chew the fat, as it were, about LighterLife. What was, of course, equally lovely was how encouraging she was; I guess my one stone and three quarters doesn't seem so bad, even though it does to me.

PS - Goombagirl - just so great to hear from you. We'll get there. We really will. I shall catch up with everyone's blogs later.

Is Silence Golden?

Thanks, Peridot and Lesley, for the note of concern. I haven't posted for a while because I've drafted a few efforts but just haven't felt like publishing them. Not sure why, as it hasn't held me back before! I think knowing my nearest and dearest read this ie my mother, best friends (x 2) and occasionally my husband and now my aunt (!), makes me feel more accountable. And more uncomfortable about my "failings".

The food thing really got out of control and I felt really ashamed about that. In the pre-aunt visit, I was eating crap - ice cream, carbs by the lorryload, etc etc. And my husband, being my husband, turned it all into a massive joke saying was I eating LighterLife Magnums, now? (I'd bought the Magnums minis, shame on me). The shame I felt was indescribable but I was more angry with myself for not hiding the evidence. Sadly, my husband and I are very much in the point scoring way of living together. It's not good, it's not healthy and it's not loving. And I know that.

And then my mother rang me to intervene - quite rightly - but I wasn't listening. I was on some carb-fixated mission to stuff down my feelings with food.

And then, after last week's class, I thought, ok, the worst has happened. Now the madness stops. But it didn't and I carried on. Quite incapable of stopping.

One of my very close LighterLife friends - she knows who she is - sent me a text saying she was going to do a bootcamp message but somehow, it didn't seem right. And she was right. It would have tipped me over the edge. Literally.

I seem to have three modes of operating around food right now:

1) abstinence/superb control - this can last for a few hours and that's about it. My day in London was a really good example; I made really good food choices, ate when I was hungry but blew it after class when I met my husband on the train to come back home.

2) out of control and terrified - the compulsion to eat is at fever-pitch levels. And when these very strange panic moments (I don't think they are full-blown panic attacks but they are bad) overwhelm me, rational thought is out of the window. I don't enjoy what I eat. I don't like myself during these moments. Hell, I hate myself, truth be told. And I just feel so very out of control that it scares the bejeebers out of me.

3) complete switch off from being careful/controlled - this is either when I eat, more or less, like a normal person but with slightly bigger portions or when I feel extremely calm and determined to eat what I want but not in the frenzied manner of above. I know I am eating badly. I know I am not making good choices. But, my crooked thinking says that's ok. Strangely, this is equally scary because how can I be so calm??

Here is a good analogy of my food situation:

My colleague has been buying Snack A Jacks and I have always said no but last week, I said yes. It was 57 calories of heaven, it really was. I thought about them A LOT at work and then put them out of my mind until I went to Waitrose. I saw the Caramel version and thought, "that would be a great sugar thing that would do minimal damage during THAT time (of the month)". So I bought a packet. And when I got home, I had one. Then I had another one. They lasted two days. V good, you might think - better two days than two hours! But the thing was, I ate more than half the packet on the second day. Probably three quarters. In one evening, in fact.

There's balance and then there's completely out of control. By the end, I wasn't even enjoying them!

There is a lot of emotional stuff going on right now in the background and I am trying to sort it out. But it's absolutely exhausting, I must admit. Porkchop and I spoke this evening and she likes to ensure I have a plan because I am better with a plan. She knows it. I know it. But I said that I might cut myself some slack, particularly on the work front.

I have a long-term work plan, which is going to take some organising. It's manageable; I just have to be organised.

I have a short-term work plan, which is purely financial, for obvious reasons. Part of that plan is a two-month contract, full-time, in the next biggest city (apart from London). I have been put forward for the job and I have been chasing a recruitment consultant for a week now. This is the job that pays in one day what I earn in one week - it's a temporary role and, I'll be honest, the money is the motivator! Anyway, since I work in a call centre and keep having to ring people who don't want to speak to me, I just keep calling her!

So, that, in a nutshell, is what's going on. Think lots of emotional turmoil and uncertainty - all my favourites!

In the meantime, my stomach is really big now; I joked with my colleague, who was trying to give me crisps. I said no. I showed her my stomach and said it was like a beach ball. Do you know what she replied? "Oh well, it's useful for playing on the beach in the summer!" And then she said, "At least you will float, if you go swimming!"

What can you say? The tum must go because it really is where I carry so much of my weight.

The First Year is the Hardest

I made it to class this week.

This was a good thing, even though every fibre of my being didn't want to go.

The night before, I stayed with the Expert Friend so got reunited with the scales. I was well into the 11 stones bracket. Not a cheeky pound or two over. Not at all.

I knew it. I really did know it. Deep down. My clothes don't fit. The food is out of control. The exercise has stopped. I am drinking.

11 stone was my non-negotiable. And I had sailed past, thanks to a carb-fuelled eatathon.

One of my Management Group members was there - at class - one of the first people I met. She said that the first year of eating food (she had had her one year eating food anniversary ie Route to Management started) had been really hard. Not impossible but she was just acknowledging it had been hard. Co-incidentally, she ate a food (on the anniversary) that she had not eaten for about 18 months. It could have been a trigger but it wasn't; she was able to savour it. And move on.

And then Lesley's been writing about saving up treats and...savouring them.

These are all tricks of the trade, as it were.

In the meantime, I am going to have a good talk to myself this weekend; I need a plan now. Urgently. Not sure when this reality check chat is going to happen, since the weekend's going to be full-on.

I'll get back to you!

Have a great weekend.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

New You Bootcamp

"Who Dares Slims" is the headline in one of today's newspapers about the New You Boot Camp, which helped This Morning's Sharon Marshall lose almost a stone in a week. Yes, in a week!

If you've seen Celebrity Fit Club, you may remember Sharon who was a size 16 when she started. But since then she's been...

"...in a rut. I weigh 12st7lbs. I am 5ft8in, size 14 with highly unimpressive statistics...An hourglass whose sand has run to her bottom...

"I've been a size 12 ever since I left (Celebrity Fit Club), running the London Marathon, taking three dance classes a week, and Pilates. Then I let it slip. Pilates was swapped for plates in restaurants with my girlfriends. I stopped running because it was cold outside. Wine consumption has grown to a bottle a day. I've seen my gym instructor once this year. For coffee. I spend most of my day lying on the sofa watching TV for work or typing.

"In just three months I have gained a stone and a dress size. Then the call comes asking if I'd like to join the New You Boot Camp, the army-style fitness regime that claims to make any woman drop a dress size in a week for £1,225 upwards.

"I say I'd like to be a size 12 again and say yes."

Peridot will be pleased to hear that Marisa Peer is the Bootcamp's nutritionist!

You can read the whole article here but two things struck me; how, in spite of losing weight on national TV and doing amazing things like the London Marathon, Sharon couldn't sustain that weight loss. Old habits crept back in. I think that's something so many of us can identify with, very easily.

Second, it's interesting to see Sharon's views at the end:

The Post-Camp Verdict

Is it healthy? The reaction on my return has been of horror. "13lb!" they've said.

"That's too much!" A total stranger and This Morning viewer stopped me on the train on the way home to tell me I was losing too much weight.

So far, the weight is still off. But will it stay off? There are benefits from the Boot Camp that go beyond weight.

Theoretically, a roomful of women on a diet should have been a nightmare. But in just seven days, a group of strangers were 100 per cent behind each other. There are women here who've been dealt a bad hand in life, but lacked the strength to take control of it all.

Yes, the girls have all shrunk in size, yet by the end I can see everyone has grown, too. In self belief and in determination about the future. Boot Camp has its faults but, for now, the girls depart slim of bottom and stuffed with confidence.

My doctor from Celebrity Fit Club, Dr Adam Carey, has a few concerns about such rapid weight loss: "There is significant risk on a low-calorie diet and heavy exercise regime like this that, as well as burning off fat, you lose muscle mass. As you go back to a normal calorie consumption the weight will go back on and more quickly than before because your body's engine is now smaller."

I fantasise about going a detox programme in Thailand; I fantasise about being able to afford Davina McCall's Brazillian bootcamp. But, at the end of the day, these are all temporary measures. I really am beginning to understand they are fantastic kick-starts but it's what happens afterwards that really matters.