"It Is What It Is"

So...what was the eatathon madness all about? Well, for those of you who are interested...here's another reason...

Regular readers will know that I am in the very fortunate position of having not one but two dysfunctional families - lucky me!

I keep my distance from most of my relatives, as I find it keeps me on a more even keel but there's no denying there's a big suitcase of pain that I keep tightly locked, whenever I can. In the past, this was the best way I could cope.

Last Christmas (2006), I reconnected with two relatives, which was lovely but so, so painful (particularly when we thought of all that lost time); one of them - my aunt, who lives miles away in the US - I had not seen or spoken to for more than 15 years. And that was simply due to fallout from other complicated family relationships. Anyway, we were determined to make our new-found connection work and we have been in touch, off and on, for the past 14 months.

Sadly, my aunt has been very ill, we were without a phone for five months (at the B&B) and so when she told me she was coming over at the end of February, I was thrilled. I really was, particularly as we managed to sort out getting my mother in the same place too; the three of us have not been together for almost 20 years. This 24 hour visit (by my aunt) was much-needed, not least because we needed to learn how to be around each other - after all, there's only so much you can communicate by email and phone after a reunion of just three hours.

But, as the supposedly-happy day approached, all my old anxieties (about my dysfunctional families) came rushing to fore. I wish I could describe just how anxious I became; anxious enough to eat my way through it. Big time. It really was a crescendo of old anxieties, old habits combined with new-found knowledge - knowing what I should and could be doing but somehow unable to do so. So, what I did instead, was give myself a hard time and feel a greater sense of failure.

Fast forward to Friday and my aunt arrived. Fortunately, my aunt is a no-nonsense type of woman; she's a nurse in an ICU (intensive care unit) so her job really is a matter of life and death. She could sense I was all over the place and she talked to me, very calmly and directly, about what was going on (with me). Let's just say there were many, many tears that night.

The family stuff is like the elephant in the room; we don't want to talk about it but we need to get it out of the way. I am hopeful that next time we meet, we won't have to go through it all again. We ended up having such a lovely time together - my aunt and me, my mother, aunt and me and finally, all four of us - my husband, aunt, mother and me. And do you know what? It felt really lovely - really relaxed.

My aunt's favourite phrase of the moment is "It is what it is"; I guess when you work in an ICU, pragmatism reigns. My aunt said quite a few things to me that really affected me, at a profound level, about the nature of families and their dynamics.

My aunt is in that place - mentally - where, whatever is going on, she is still the same person and remains true to herself. She's in that place where I aspire to be with food; regardless of what is happening, I won't let outside events affect my eating. That's my goal! I've got a long way to go. She also said that her family is what it is and she can't do anything about it; she has no control over her other family members and how they behave. And that's right.

Anyway, anyway, anyway - before we knew it, my aunt was off again. And I felt bereft. But I realised one thing; my aunt is someone I really, really want to get to know. As a friend. As a person. As herself.

The food problem didn't go away when she left immediately but it definitely subsided. Having my mother here really made a difference; she has continued to be a steadying influence this week. Of course, my aunt wasn't the root of the problem - far from it; the problem just lies at my very core (something that Mrs Jupiter observed too) and my family members act as a huge trigger. It's beliefs like these that I absolutely have to change if I want to change my relationship with food.

They say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends; well, I'd choose my aunt as a friend anytime.

Comments

[Lesley]

It's not surprising you have had a bit of a mad period with all that going on. I'm so pleased that you've got to know your aunt; meeting one good person is always worth the trouble!

Have a great day Mrs!

Lesley x