It's Decision Time

OK, so the mayhem and madness have abated...for now. And more of that later.

I'm still eating too much but have managed to get through today, off-piste-snack free. I've stuck to three meals, had a piece of fruit and copious amounts of tea. This is progress. I am calmer.

I have been very slack on the water front but I can address that tomorrow.

There is no doubt the presence of my mother has been a calming influence, not least because she has been on hand at the house while I have been at work. On Friday we had the flooring guys in to sort out some problems; she was here to keep an eye on things.

Now that I am working away from home, I realise I need a wife!

My husband has not yet fully embraced the new regime; he still asks me to do things - in that boss/secretary kind of way - but, sadly, with no free time during work hours, I cannot perform these administrative tasks! When I worked from home - even when we were in London, I could do all those things because I was my own boss. I could do housework (of a fashion!) in my own time. I could manage our lives, in my own time. Now I work in an office where there is no internet surfing, there are no personal calls or emails. You get the picture. It's targets, targets, targets. So the personal admin' has to be done at home, out of office hours. As does the housework - washing, cleaning, keeping things ticking over because I am not a natural domestic goddess!

This morning, for example, when my husband left at 5.20am, I got up and did some housework (cleaned the bathroom and hoovered - there are three big dogs in the house). It needed to be done because I didn't do any at the weekend. My mother is also walking the dog - with one of her own - which relieves the pressure.

We have also decided (my mother and I) that the dog would be better with her for the next two weeks. This will give me the opportunity to apply for some jobs, catch up with some much-needed house-related activities - you get the picture.

For us (as a couple), it's crunch time. My husband is really keen to leave his job - in spite of arguing incessantly - we do miss each other. He wants something where he can be in one place, Monday-Friday or, at least, most of the time so that he can come home. We had hoped something was in the pipeline; he got a second interview but then the role was put on hold. He wants to work in one industry specifically so we shall have to wait and see.

I have also realised that I need to work with other people; even though I don't like my current job, I do appreciate human contact. So, in the short term, working from home is not an option - even with the dog for company. BUT, and it's a big BUT, I don't want to be doing a two-hour commute each way, which is what would be my reality if I had a big job in London. My dog is a factor in my life and I am really beginning to understand what that means if I want to work for other people; as soon as we moved out of London, I said goodbye to my informal doggy day care arrangements. (Lesley - how do you manage, out of interest?)

And ANOTHER important factor is...exercise! Aha! Yes; this is part of the big reality check going on right now. Last year, I made a big commitment to myself, to my health (and yes, to try to conceive in the last chance saloon) and now I am seeing that the changes I made cannot be sustained without time - time to prepare healthy food so that I am not tempted to sink my face into junk food, time for exercise (with the dog, with the allotment and with some core stability stuff if I am not going to be a member of a gym), time to be with the dog and time to run our home so that I don't/can't use the state of the house as an excuse/don't have it as another trigger. And time to be with my husband; if we are out of sync' - stressed and arguing- I will eat in a self-destructive way. Fact.

I'll be honest; when I embarked on LighterLife, I had no idea of the long-term implications. First, I didn't think I would last the distance. Second, in the early days, I kept thinking about life AFTER LighterLife - and it was very much about the things I would go back to (to eat). Third, as I continued with the programme, I began to see about how and what I would be eating to sustain my weight loss. And I think I was in denial about what that meant. What it really meant - long term. I thought I might shun all unhealthy foods but of course, it isn't like that, is it?!

LighterLife Route to Management is supposedly a 12-week programme, with extra weeks thrown in if you want to repeat any of the foods/triggers. I never gave Route to Management the full attention it deserves and now I realise that whatever I could have learnt during that time, I really haven't.

And, of course, food is only one part of finding a new way of living, of operating, at peace with food and in control of my emotions.

Yes, my friends, it's decision time - to establish what's going to work for me - as an employee, not an employer, as someone who has lost weight and wants to maintain that loss, and, of course, as an addict and finally, for us, as a couple with a dog!

Comments

[Peridot]

Goodness, I don't quite know what to say. That is all awfully big stuff and such a lot of pressure to put on yourself to make such fundamental decisions. Whatever you decide you know I'll be rooting for you - and am thinking of you too.

love
Peridot x

[Lesley]

I knew she'd be back - better than ever!! Yes - you do have some serious decisions but your whole tone seems to be much more positive and strong than it has been so now you have some time to tackle the issues.

I haven't got much time now but will check in later.

Re dog care, D is home for half the time and then, when I'm at work and he's on the rig, I take her to a farm place just round the corner from us (we pay). I think when the pup is grown, they'll stay at home together as they'll be company for each other. I don't work particularly long days and am often at home.

Have a good day chuck.

Lesley xx