Still Here

OK. This is going to be a short post. I've written a few things but not posted because...well, I wasn't ready. Usually, I just write stream of consciousness stuff and then press save.

I've tried to be a bit more circumspect because I need a break from myself, to be honest!

Anyway, I'm still here. Just.

I read Lesley's latest post and well, it was just great. There was something so upbeat about it, so sorted and sussed. And then I read Peridot's and she's all in the zone with the new regime.

The old me would have just used it as an opportunity to berate myself further because I am not there. At all. But hell, I don't need to do that anymore!

I managed to wake up very, very yesterday morning so put on the Oprah/Eckhart Tolle lecture. There's a lot to take in but one of the things that I have consciously tried to do today is stop and breathe, every so often.

Anyway, that classic phrase "what you resist, persists" came up and I heard it. Loud and clear. I really am resisting all things diet-related, right now. I won't say food-related because obviously I am still chomping away. Of course, I've also missed class so I've got no idea what I weigh. And boy, am I resisting all of that. My classes used to be my amazing treat; now they just seem to be a painful reminder of where I am NOT. I can't believe it but I am scared to step on any scales. But denial can only last for so long. So, if I cannot get my scales repaired (it's not the battery - I managed to check that on Monday), I must order some more.

In the meantime, I've been feeling down about work. Ironically, not so much the call centre (more later) but just what am I going to do. I've been feeling trapped and scared and totally without direction. I spoke to Porkchop tonight and since what she does is careers-related, she knows what she's talking about! I had found a temporary job that I could apply for and that paid the same day rate as I am earning all week!!! It's been a bit of a wake up call, all round!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we came up with a plan. Porkchop gave me some very sound advice and I felt genuinely excited. And then the Expert Friend, who happens to know a lot about this area, rang me tonight, too so something is happening!!!

I do feel very blessed to have access to such amazing people. Next week I am going to stay with the Expert Friend and I am v.excited. It will be a double whammy of London (glamorous part of town) and girly catch ups!

Porkchop and I used to work together and even though we are SOOOO different, we make each other laugh a lot. Of late, we haven't managed to but, overall, there is a very strong bond there. Of course, I had to concede - again - that the advice she was giving me tonight, she has given me before. But do you know what? I always used my weight as an excuse. To NOT do so many things. I did, often, utter the immortal words to her, "But I am too fat to work in an office" (even though I had client meetings..in offices!) , as she begged me to reconsider working on my own!

As Porkchop would say herself, "well, really"!

So, the food thing isn't great but it's definitely more under control compared with a week ago. I feel I have a better focus for work and job hunting, which is flexible enough to fit around my husband's plans, which change daily and have a masssively unsettling effect on me.

I guess what I really need to do is what my LighterLife Counsellor advised three, possibly four weeks ago; she told me focus on the life I wanted, not the life I didn't want! She's so wise. I heard her, I acknowledged what she said, I probably even blogged about it but I didn't do it!

This weekend, I think it's time, don't you?

Hope you are all rocking! And sorry, not such a short post after all....

Keep up the good work, girls! xxxxxxxxxxx

Comments

[Lesley]

Thing is...you sem to think you're out of control but really you're not. You're just doing what normal people do and prioritising things other than your weight. it's hard for us eaters to think that anything can be more important than weight but it can!!

Good luck with all your issues and all the luck in the world about the new opportunity!

Big kiss chuck

Lesley xx

[Peridot]

What a positive post! Sounds great that you are making plans for your career - life is not all about dieting (as Lesley says) and dieting is so much easier if you're happy with other aspects of your life (I imagine!).

love
Peridot x

[Porkchop]

I have such confidence in you mate and your ability to be massively successful doing something you love. I am increasingly thinking (drama queen warning) if I had only a few months left to live would I have spent the day doing this - mindless admin in the office, shuffling dust round the house or eating my own bodyweight in bourbons? It is a good kick up the bhind for me as if I am low only one person can do anything about putting a smile on my face - plasterers aside - and that is me. I know that you could be enjoying action packed days full of people contact that will give you all the highs previously provided by crisps and bread.
Big love Porkyxxx