Well, the good news is the dog is out of the vet's. Phew. She had something called HAEMORRHAGIC GASTROENTERITIS (HGE) , which can be life threatening.
It was only AFTER she came back from the vet that my mother told me how unwell she had been!
Today was so strange, as was yesterday, to be honest.
My visit to London was certainly beneficial and a massive confidence booster but I am still left with the question - what the f**k was I doing for all that time (before I started losing weight)? I guess there is nothing like an interview or two - however informal - to test you. And the awful thing is, I realise eating too much and depression figure fairly heavily in the past few years. When I saw one of my former colleagues, she said, "you are literally half the woman you were!".
So, first things first. I got a second interview! This made me laugh at first and now I am just full of fear. I have also convinced myself that it's a mercy interview and that they are not really serious. It's bananas, I know but that's how I feel.
Second, ages ago, when I started working at the call centre, I found a job that paid the same day rate that I was earning in a week! Well, the same organisation, is looking for someone else on a temp-to-perm' basis - same rate and so my name has been put forward. I am one of two candidates and I am desperately trying to get an interview before the second interview so that I can compare and contrast. This job is closer to home - in the nearest big town - and it looks like a reputable organisation.
And third, today they offered me a job at the call centre! Again! Last time they were sounding me out just as I was in the middle of the miscarriage. This time it was a different manager and a different role and I have not dismissed it because that would be stupid.
I also sat down with the new CEO (she approached me) and I talked her through the processes that we use. I guess because I am temporary, because I am not scared of her (or scared about losing my job - which I would have been as a permanent member of staff), I was able to be honest and direct but with humour. I hope for my colleagues' sakes that some of my suggestions will be taken further. It's such an unhappy organisation - with 60% of staff either miserable or uncertain about how they feel at work. Only 40% were happy and I reckon that's a generous interpretation! At least I made her laugh and I really did feel that she was a manager who led by example, which is extremely refreshing!
So my greatest fear about being unemployable may not come true BUT the offer has to be on the table - getting an interview is not getting a job. And with freelance work it's not guaranteed.
So, I am a real mixture of optimism, fear and regret right now and my food is all over the place. Over the past few days, I have been looking at my remaining foodpacks and thinking, I'm not sure I want to buy any more. Foodpacks unless - like Peridot - you are doing hardcore abstinence - don't seem to be the answer for me. And try, try, try as I might to do full abstinence, I just can't get my act together. The merest hint of a change in routine (ha, what routine you might ask?!), the slightest change and boom, my resolve is out of the window. I am still using food to cope with everyday life.
My lovely LLC would say that thought records and the food diaries are the answer (or at least part of the solution).
I am not back to square one but I am still lurching towards 12 stone again. I think Lesley is feeling the same thing - a quick fix is not the answer for us at this stage. But this is not to dismiss Peridot's efforts!
More than ever, I am fantasising about holidays and a lie in! I am fantasising about eating in nice restaurants (!) and relaxing, without being tormented by food. I am STILL fantasising about a tidy house (sad but true) and wondering since this IS my life, why don't I feel in charge, even a teeny tiny bit?
I'm really pleased your dog is OK - I thought she was a black lab from the previous pic but looks like she's chocolate?
I've not got much time so just one comment - it's not a mercy interview! The job market doesn't work like that. Good luck with all those job prospects.
Posted by: goombagirl | June 20, 2008 at 07:31 AM
There seem to be a lot of us gainers around...you, me, Beth, Peridot and a few others. It's probably natural but it's annoying. We can get back under control and we're NOT going back! Got it?
I feel as though I was sleep walking and I've just emerged out of a fog. Not a very pleasant one either judging by what has happened to my stomach!
Good luck with jobs, dog and food as ever.
Lesley x
Posted by: LesleyLesley | June 24, 2008 at 04:33 PM
Ohhhh Mrs L.... they wouldn't waste time with a mercy interview! not at this stage!!! i am going to have to be positive about this news on your behalf :P
I can so relate to the feeling of not being in charge of your life. sometimes it just feels like it's all madness at once. like lesley, wishing you good luck with everything! xxox
Posted by: dg | June 25, 2008 at 09:27 AM