Have just come back from my LighterLife management group. We had two new people in the group, so we did the usual tips and advice for Route to Management starters.
I met a fellow LighterLifer on the tube and straightaway she asked me all about my weight, what was I doing, did I have it under control or had I put on? And before I even told her an answer, she said, what do you think you've put on? Two stone? Blimey.
I found the whole thing a bit too much to be honest. But but but that's only because I really know, deep down, that for the next few years, I need to pay that level of attention to my weight. End of.
Yes, I eat for all sorts of reasons OTHER THAN hunger but my weight is an indication of whether things are balanced or not. Simple as.
I really struggled in the group tonight because it really was back to basics. I love the sessions when it's all about the emotional stuff but guess what? I really need the basics. I really needed that class. And I really needed my fellow LighterLifer to remind me what weight MAINTENANCE is all about.
And, I'll be honest, I am pretty much in awe of that person's achievements. She has done amazingly well. I guess I am slightly jealous (but not in a nasty way towards her personally). Does that make me a bad person?!
I was also slightly chippy (not chipper!) because I am SOOOOOO angry with myself. I weighed 12 stone and 3/4 of a pound this morning and on my Counsellor's scales I was 12 stone 1 lb. It wasn't the difference that made me angry - it was the fact that when I looked at my book, I can see that I weighed 10 stone 12 in February and then hit 12 stone 1 by mid-April (just post-miscarriage). I managed to bring that down to 11 stone 8 a couple of times before going back up to 12 stone 1lb towards the end of May (job interview stuff I think), hitting my highest this year of 12 stone 2lbs by the end of May. I brought it back down to 11 stone 11 before going back up again.
What have I been thinking all this time? Was I not paying attention? Ironically, my tube chum reminded me I have had a lot going on. But life is always going to be like that, isn't it? Life will always throw curve balls; I can't use that as an excuse to put on at least 30 lbs when the going gets rough!
So, I am just utterly utterly frustrated. Frustrated at having to do it all over again. Frustrated at having to think about a new plan. Again.
This is where the cycle of change comes in; it's when you go round and round, picking yourself up out of the same holes until you 'get it', until you realise that doing X, Y or Z is not a good idea.
I think I am having the equivalent of a weight-loss tantrum. Why, oh why, did I let it get so out of control?!
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