Page Two of a New Chapter

Food-wise the first two days at work were as chaotic as my self-organisational skills.

First things first - I ate a carb-loaded meal on Sunday night, with wine, followed by a sugary snack because even though I had planned to go to bed, it dawned on me that I would wake up to a chaotic kitchen and since we were leaving at 6.45, I had to stay up late and do it. I went to bed tired and woke up tired.

I also weighed in - on my first day of my new job of my new life - at my heaviest this year. 12 stone 6 lbs. F**k.

I remember going to my first interview for this job, desperate, I think to get back down to 11 or 11 and a half. Whichever way you looked at it, this was at least a stone heavier.

And I'll be honest. I am really feeling the difference in the extra weight - and it's true, it's affecting my whole demeanour. And not in a good way.

It meant clothes are now tight. And look it. Or they don't fit at all.

My day one journey into London was a mixed bag and it's not my normal route but I had plenty of time to kill so I tried out my potential bike route (on foot). By the time I had got half way across the capital, I was SO hungry so found a new shop called CRUSSH and ordered porridge with banana and honey.

When I got near the office, I had a coffee from Cafe Nero.

Day one, as a friend predicted, meant lunch out - and not a sandwich either. It was a sit down lunch with wine. In many ways, I ate that lunch..."perfectly". I was conscious of every mouthful, didn't eat the entire meal (yes, deliberately left food on plate), drank loads of water and had about 1.5 glasses of wine. I was UBER conscious that I had to make a good impression with the new team. And I really don't want to make a big deal of my weight or my current situation. And unlike the call centre, this is not the place (within the office) to be mixing up a shake or a soup if I go back on packs.

Supper was half a pizza and some salad (after the row) with a beer. SOOOOO not a good food choice but it was down to my husband who sorted the evening meal. I could easily have gone to bed having not eaten again that day.

Day 2 was even more chaotic. I had a cup of tea and a bar at home - I got up at 5.45am. I started with a latte at the station (7am). We had our team meeting in a coffee bar when I had another latte AND an almond croissant. This was about 9.45am and I was SO tired and SO craving sugar (hormones, hormones, hormones). It was a stupid choice, I now realise because...by lunchtime (1.45pm) I was ravenous. I eventually ordered an egg mayonnaise baguette (I usually hate baguettes) because they had run out of bread and boiled eggs. I ate half of it out of hunger but mainly because by this time I really was feeling overwhelmed. The other half remained in my bag. I sat in a small park - just to let my brain have a rest. And I was trying to calm myself down with food. I don't remember being this exhausted by day 2 at the call centre.

Later on in the office there was birthday cake. I said yes.

I had said yes but really I wanted to say no. But I thought I should say yes. But nobody cared. And these are strategies that I need to adopt. Now. Birthday cake in the office just has to be a no-no. Not a maybe - even if my hormones are shouting for sugar. It just have to tell myself that I do not eat cake at work. End of.

By the evening I was back on track with packs and water and copious amounts of tea (I am staying with a lovely friend - more later - for two nights).

Day 3 is going to be better. I can be abstinent all day and at lunchtime I can just nip out and have my bar somewhere quiet. I weighed in at 12 stone 2 this morning.

The thing is, in 'real' life I can have cake. Of course, I can. BUT if I want to maintain a normal BMI, I have to plan for cake and compensate for it elsewhere. When I weighed in at the beginning of the week, I was almost three stone heavier than last year.

For so many reasons, I do not want to be this weight. And I am going to have to address the weight loss with a multi-pronged approach - the head stuff to ensure that I don't eat my way through or around my feelings, the physical stuff to ensure that the weight doesn't creep on, even if I am eating the same amount and and all round reality check that eating food apart from physical hunger has undesired consequences.

I know it. But now I have to put it into practice.

Comments

[Peridot]

Hmm, some classic panic eating (strokes imaginary beard wisely) but also some good choices with Crussh (their green tea is the most delicious I have ever tasted) and the team lunch. I think you're doing pretty well actually - new job is so stressful and a monster commute on top (tiredness is now pretty much universally acknowledged to cause hunger). I have had a week of eating and put on 10lbs - wtf?! Back on packs but it doesn't bode well for my eventual return to food.

love
Peridot x

[Lesley]

Hi there. Yeah, sounds like you're doing ok. I know big rows and tiredness are a massive trigger but, if you distil where you're at, not tooooo bad!

You need to try and curb office eating....It is my major downfall at the moment. I don't know why when I managed not to have a single bite for months on end last year. Now suddenly the biscuit tin and snack table call me and give in a lot. Try to resist from the start or it will be harder later, that would be my tip for the top!

Hope you're enjoying the work too.

(((((((big hug))))))))

Lesley x