The Lard Arms

Blogroll (2)

Whoops...note to self...don't blog when exhausted.  I forgot one blog that I really, really want to read - The Forty Project!

So, that's another one to add to the list.

Enjoy! xxxxx

Blogroll

I'm finally, finally getting round to getting the blog's house in order.  I still haven't, I'm ashamed to admit, replied to all the lovely people who left such encouraging messages recently, particularly over the work situation...which goes on.  And on.  But I hope you DO know that the messages did and still do mean a lot!

In the meantime, it's time to document some fabulous new (for me) blogs - prompted by their authors' comments on here.

So, in no particular order, I think you'll definitely give yourselves a treat if you check out the following:

Lose to Gain

No More Munching

Battered Suitcase

Miz Fit Online

I used to be thin

Julaberry. Now - floss your teeth!

Balancing the scales

Revamp Life Coaching

Dreaming of Size 12

Happy reading.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Temptation

The lodger has moved in.  And brought a lot of food with her, even though she is tiny.  And what is so obvious to me is that even when I am not thinking about a particular food, if it's within sight, it will be on my mind. Suddenly the kitchen is a minefield again.  When my husband is not here, I don't stock up.

It's not such a big deal but it's another hole to negotiate!

Counselling - the verdict so far

So, I think I have had about four sessions of counselling so far.  And the verdict?  Well, I'm going to keep going!

It's strange; several of my friends are currently seeing counsellors.  What's that about?  I don't mean they are weak or special that they need that extra help.  Maybe they just realised things weren't working for them and they are trying to fix it.  Ironically, I have been a massive advocate of counselling, yet did nothing about it until even I was concerned about my own mental state.

And since this blog is all about being honest - to myself - and to you, lovely readers, it seems only right that I offer some insight into the sessions to date.

The trigger was definitely my self-sabotaging behaviour that was taking me to new levels (and causing even greater levels of alarm).

So, first, we had to rush through (no, we didn't HAVE TO, I chose to) my life story.  I definitely had some chippiness going on about 'having' to go back to counselling (and pay for the privilege) AND have to discuss my dysfunctional families and their effect on me.  

BUT during the first session, my counsellor asked me to put down the giant stick with which I was clearly beating myself up with... every day.  Even during the session.

Readers of this blog have commented on this trait.  I've acknowledged it - fleetingly - but never really understood the impact of such behaviour.  Doh!

This weekend we cut to the chase; we looked at why I found being alone so unbearable.  Unbearable enough that I will drink , eat and seek solace in anyone and anything rather than sit with myself.  WTF?!?!?!

I put it down to loneliness but when we stripped away at the loneliness came the understanding that I was running away from myself.

That WAS a painful revelation; my counsellor told me that this was big stuff and as I sat there sobbing, she talked to me and said 'I'm saying this because I know, somewhere, you can hear me'.  Each time she said something positive, the resistance I felt was SOOO strong.  I wish I could describe how strange this all felt but the realisation, during and after, of what was REALLY going on, shocked me.  To my core.

I have been operating for decades in a way that is self-destructive AND in a way that means I am constantly looking to others for validation.  I don't trust my own judgement.  Imagine!  It' s not as if I am in my teens.  I am in my early forties!  The flip side is that at least I am not in my 80s and realising this stuff.

But it means that I am always looking outside of myself for ... well, everything.

Today I talked to my husband about it and he said he really enjoys his own company.  Now that I have some insight into my behaviour, I realise how far away I am from being to say the same thing.  I'm beginning to see that even the forum and the blog provided another way to get validation from others.

I hope this doesn't sound like mumbo-jumbo.

If getting happy (or, at the very least, at ease) with myself is the goal/solution, it will be so interesting to see if that affects my behaviour around food.   And everything else, for that matter.

Have a good week everyone.

The Fear Factor

Well, the two big issues that were on my mind have come to life and...happened.  For the worse.  

So now I am going to have to have a major rethink about ... everything!  I can't go into details on here but suffice to say food has come back on the horizon.  Big time.  And THAT has been an eye opener in itself; I have given myself a limit this time, though, of 48 hours indulgence and then back on track.

I have come up to stay with my husband overnight and as we walked around, I got excited by all the restaurants.  I have noticed that whenever I arrive somewhere new - particularly in a town or city - I get overly (and perhaps even inappropriately!) agitated and energised (!!) by the prospect of going out to sample all the delights.  I was exactly the same in Soho, New York last year; it was almost overwhelming!

The one massive benefit of us being apart is that we can have a sort of 'date night' in a new place, together. The flip side is that with food in the mix, it seems EVEN better!! And we both feel that.

Anyway, it's a massive cliche but having faced my fears, head on, this week, I can only hope that I will be stronger (and less reliant on food) for it.  Nearest and dearest are telling me that out of the saddest/baddest of times, come even greater things.  So, with this despair, has to come excitement.  

The best is yet to come.  I simply have to believe that.  

Back to the Land

So, the feelings are still here!  Omnipresent!  It's amazing, isn't it?  When a deadline is looming and you have TOO MUCH to do, there aren't enough hours in the day.  When you are waiting for something, however, and you are powerless ... time goes much more slowly.

I FINALLY got back to the allotment.  With my husband.  Of course, we did argue - well, bicker but I think that's how we are.  We worked solidly for three hours.  About 2.5 hours in, I wanted to throw in the trowel (boom, boom!) and go home.  I was overwhelmed with those pesky feelings again.  Mulling over my two big issues, I imagined scenarios  of what I could, should, would have done with different information.  But the outcome would have been the same .  At the allotment, I was planting bulbs from my garden and so I was doing something pleasurable but, ultimately, I just could not bear just 'being'.  My husband talked me round and I ended up sitting on a chair, on my plot, crying.  

My husband explained that he did his best thinking on the allotment - it's away from any distraction - but distraction feels like JUST what I need right now.

In the meantime, the weight is coming off.  Slowly.  But I don't mind.  There is downward movement on the scales.  And, momentarily, it made me feel really good.  I don't think I am a better person for weighing less but here's the thing.  It's given me a teeny tiny bit of control back.  And that's good.  When I was losing all the weight before, I don't remember feeling particularly in control (probably because I was focused on all the things I was doing wrong rather than the one thing I was doing right!) and so second time around, it's good to see what I missed.

And here's the thing; I really got insight into why I have put the weight back on.  I couldn't handle the feelings.  I know that sounds crazy but at times of out-of-control eating/drinking (and it doesn't take much to be outside of control!), I really was suppressing what I was feeling (and couldn't handle).  Even stupid little things would set me off like mild irritation or frustration.  Not necessarily  always a crisis.    I didn't suddenly put back the weight; it took months.  And here's the other thing; the cycle of control got broken. My brain can make all sorts of negative connections (as I know other people's can, too) and suddenly I'm in meltdown, berating myself for so many things in my life, while stuffing my face with something unsuitable.  And tiredness played a massive part in all of this.

Yes, weight loss is fairly simple - you eat too much, you exercise too little - weight goes on.  To lose it, you decrease the intake and increase the exercise.  But that only works if food has only been consumed through hunger.  If you are using food for any other reason OTHER THAN hunger (and I still do!), chances are that that simple equation isn't going to work.  Because, my theory is, those feelings get in the way.  They catch you unawares.  Boom!  Before you know it, you've consumed something you "shouldn't have" and then you can spend the next half an hour giving yourself a hard time about it.

It's funny but the people I know who have sorted out their weight, are sorting out their lives, at the same time, which makes sense.  If we don't know why we do something, how can we fix it?  And if we don't know how to fix it, we'll just go back to what we know best.  Food.  Well, that's what I have done.  A lot.

Have a good week everyone.  xxxxxxxxxxx

The Feelings Aren't Going Anywhere! So now what?

(Apologies if this post looks strange; Typepad have got a new editing system and I haven't quite got the hang of it yet!)

Sooooo...the feelings aren't budging!  They are refusing to go anywhere.  I spoke to a very good friend today about 'stuff' and she said I was like a pinball machine (well, the ball!) being pushed from pillar to post. With my emotions.  

I must admit last night I had a couple of drinks and when I went to bed, the feelings were still there.  Even a cheeky chaser or two didn't dull them.

Today they're back again.    The feelings.  I talked to my counsellor about them and she said where I'm at, right now, is like childbirth.  I just have to ride it out.  The feelings will pass.  Childbirth comes to an end. This is the worst bit.

I really liked her analogy.  It made sense and it was something that I could understand completely.  No pain = no pleasure at the end.  She did not use those words.  I did.

There is nothing I can do about my current situation (two major issues in my life) but just wait.  It's been so interesting to see how the mind games have come and gone, urging me to eat my way through. I haven't been a saint but I haven't gone crazy.

The next big challenge is to get to the gym.  My husband wanted me to go with him today but then our schedules clashed and I ended up not going.   I just need to get in there and start going.

Monday is going to be a big deal for me so I am playing a waiting game.

Just how powerful are feelings?

Here's the thing.

I've calmed things right down with the food. I had to. I had to get some control back in my life and this is the easiest thing to control at the moment.

The tiredness has consumed me - finally catching up on all those weekends working and the hours on the train commuting.

But what has really knocked me sideways are the feelings. And they're not happy ones. I've got a couple of big issues on my mind and all I want to do is NOT FEEL LIKE THIS.

And since I am not eating the feelings away, I am really feeling the feelings! My LighterLife Counsellor has often referred to the fact that feelings won't kill you but sometimes the feelings are so intense.

It's crazy, isn't it? It SOOOO isn't about the food. Yet food so often seems to be the answer.

I am finally reading The Little Saboteur (see book list), which someone recommended in my class more than a year ago. It's an eye opener! In a painful but good way!

In the meantime, I need to sort out some other issues and present a confident front. It's incredible what a barrier (to feeling confident) the extra pounds are and the big dent that work has taken out of my relatively fragile confidence (post-LighterLife).

Fern Britton - everyone LOVES the slim, new you! Don't they?

So, the utterly gorgeous (fat or slim) Fern Britton attended the Woman of the Year lunch on Monday and got some serious column inches for her new look.

Just a few months ago, Fern was outed for having a gastric band fitted and shamed by the hacks for pretending the serious weight loss was down to healthy eating and exercise.

BUT now the results are clear to see, everyone is giving Fern the thumbs up. Or are they?

Today Anne Diamond warned that surgery isn't always the answer and there have been some pretty spiky comments in response.

The truth is simple and we all know the truth. Being overweight IS bad for your health. Fact. Ultimately, any weight-loss regime - surgery, very low calorie diets (VLCD), drugs as appetite suppressants, etc and even straightforward calorie counting and exercise - WILL work. In the short term. Some people are overweight because they've had too many calories over the years. Others eat because it meets a need in them that nothing else can. And for those people, myself included, weight loss (by whatever means) is never going to work in the longer term.

Losing weight as I know myself can be frightening and exciting in equal measure. The diminishing numbers on the scale and the physical effects of being smaller are fabulous feel good factors. And that's definitely where Fern is right now. The weight has not rushed back on so she feels confident enough to show the world what's happened to her body.

But what about when you've lost the weight? What's the motivation then? And that's the hardest part. As I have found out. And yes, sometimes it all feels unfair that other people 'can eat what they like' but is that really the case? There are very few people who can eat without restriction. The truth is that they either manage their lifestyle with healthy food and exercise or they constantly use checks and balances to keep the equilibrium. They eat less to compensate for the times when they eat more. Simple as that. And others manage to tame the demons that torment them and food becomes less of an issue.

My mission now is to find out how I can keep the weight off for good. And that's where a massive dose of reality comes in.

Exercise will have to be part of my life, as a non-negotiable. If there's no exercise, there will be no weight maintenance. Unless I consume fewer calories than I use up on a daily basis.

I'll need to adopt strategies for those moments when I want to eat (not due to hunger) but simply because that's been my coping strategy to date. Even several months of NOT eating conventional food didn't stop those old habits coming back.

And I need to get real about food. Food can be a treat. Food is meant to be enjoyed. BUT I can honestly say in the 12 months that I've been eating 'normal' food again, very few things were memorable enough to warrant eating them, if that makes sense. After my miscarriage, my husband made lasagne and it definitely was more than a meal! I also went out and ate an organically-reared burger (!) (with a LighterLife friend!) and that hit the spot too. It was also post-miscarriage. But everything else simply didn't register. So what was the point of consuming all those extra, empty calories?

Yes, food has definitely calmed me down - a lot - in difficult circumstances but not enough to make it truly memorable (and worthwhile).

So, if that's the case, it's definitely time for a rethink. Food isn't working for me anymore in the way it did. Of course, it probably hasn't done that for years. But now I know it. And the 3 stone I have gained since last year is just proof - as if proof were needed - the food really isn't the answer and I need to find an alternative.

In the meantime, I hope Fern continues to enjoy her revamped body. I hope that the surgery continues to work for her. If nothing else, she's taken the shame out of surgery; I just hope, one day, she comes clean about her relationship with food and what a tricky monster it can be. Sadly, when Anne Diamond talks about it, people are snippy and sarcastic (perhaps it was the Celebrity Fit Club fiasco that did it).

Right, I'm off to look at strategies.

Out of action and not obese. Yet.

Hi folks

Sadly, I am going to be out of action for a week. Too much information for the blog but I am determined to be back, fighting fit, next week.

In the meantime, I finally found out what my non-negotiable was! The REAL one!

Last week I reached 13 stone. 13 stone has so many connotations. It's the weight I had to be for surgery. It's the weight I could never seem to get under when I was doing my own weight-loss programme. It's the weight I sailed past on LighterLife because, I realise, I was nowhere near any scales!

It's also the weight that I used as my starter point for 'successful' weight loss; I didn't allow myself to celebrate the first +1.5 stone weight loss on this diet because I felt such a failure for putting on the weight. Again. For the diet before LighterLife. But that's a whole other story! I am an expert at being very tough on myself!

Last year, when I was doing LighterLife Foundation (the first 13 weeks), I missed three sessions because we were away. While it did mean there were significant gaps in my knowledge (each session is packed full of gems and insight), it did mean I could not obsess about the numbers on the scales and freak out around 13 stone.

The 13 stone hang-up was hard to shake but once I lost the belief that I could never weigh anything less, I continued to lose weight (if that makes sense).

I also think my beliefs around weight have NOT supported me post-LighterLife. However hard I tried to maintain the loss, at my deepest core was a fear that I would be another statistic (of putting it back on again). I was desperate not to but...I did anyway!

What is clear to me now is that I need to attach new beliefs around lower weights and make something like 11 stone as my non-negotiable.

The irony is that when I was just over 13 stone before (before LighterLife), I felt slim!! Now I feel really fat and bloated; my knee is hurting, as is my back. What a contrast!!

And even though it could be argued that I failed using a VLCD, I still believe it did one beneficial thing for me - it got me to a low weight, relatively quickly, and gave me the full experience of being slim. And yes, it felt much better. Life was not suddenly miraculously wonderful but I felt more like the real me.

Right now I feel like a blown-up version of myself. And it's not comfortable. And that discomfort affects my whole being - physically and mentally.

Any thoughts?