The Lard Arms

In Honour of Mr C Cat

Mr C in the garden, which he loved

So, the inevitable happened this evening and the stunningly beautiful Mr C passed away at home.

I want to celebrate his life - he was larger than life in every sense but I'm just too sad right now.  Sad for lots of reasons - first, he was quite young.  For a cat.  Second, for my mum.  Third - his illness has been swift and cruel.  I was so shocked when I saw him and when I looked back at photos for this post, I'd forgotten just how statuesque he was.  Remember the shock of seeing the new-look Nigel Lawson after he had lost all that weight?  It was the same for Mr C.  His weight loss had the wrong kind of wow factor.

But Mr C loved life, he really did.  He loved food.  He loved his garden.  But most of all he loved people - unlike his brother, who always hid upstairs.  If Mr C were a person, he would be at the heart of every party. Charming everyone he met and having lots of fun.  And that's what we have to remember.

Having animals is our lives is a privilege but boy it hurts like hell when they're ill or gone.  

Hope you don't mind that I did something in his honour tonight.  It just felt right.

When food isn't the answer ... what is? (2)

Another good substitute is...True Movies.  Oh yes, all my dirty secrets are coming out now.  While I was working and commuting and commuting  and working ... there was no room for TV in my life .  Of course, there wasn't room for much else in my life either during that insane period.  Now, it's quite the opposite.

But my rule is to watch these things ONLY while gainfully engaged in something else at the same time - personal admin, ironing, cleaning... you get the picture!

If you are eating to escape (ie feeling...something other than pure bliss), True Movies might work for you.

And if not, don't hold it against me! xx

When food isn't the answer...what is?

One of the most successful 'dieters' I know described her strategies for coping without turning to food.  She has an i-Pod playlist called...comfort food.  Genius!

My own and latest discovery - about 10 years behind everyone else - is...Casualty. Oh, and Holby City.  There is something about those programmes that has enabled me to block out the work stuff and now the pet stuff, good and proper.  Admittedly, I tend to watch them on iPlayer when I can multi-task but, tonight, I am going to subject my mother to Casualty, surrounded by the pets.

I'm hoping the magic will still work.

Life Just Gets In the Way - 4

Today, life didn't get in the way.  My hormones did!  As a result, I have been taking painkillers-a-plenty and gone carbonkers (my word for bonkers for carbs).

My hormones tend to act as a major roadblock to any kind of meaningful activity - apart from being very grumpy and in a lot of pain.

Supper was jacket potato with baked beans, cheese and salad; it really is the perfect credit-crunch meal. Cheap AND cheerful.

Pet-wise, we've still got a full house, which is a miracle.  But, again, there have been many tears.  

Hope everyone has been having a much better AND happier weekend.

xxxxx

Life Just Gets In the Way - 3 (or..you couldn't make it up)

First, thank you for the support.  It rocks and so do you, lovely readers.  Expect responses.  They're coming!  Soon!

So, today was the day I was going to get back on track.  And I'll tell you why.  It was something that Coley said in her comment about eating her way through a loss and rather wishing she hadn't.  There was something that really resonated.  I won't lie; I could easily emerge out of this several stones heavier myself.

Or...I could choose not to.   Given that I am the OTHER side of a VLCD ie I should be able to keep the emotional eating in check.  Aha!  If only it were that simple…

FYI...there is still some work nonsense going on, which has battered my self confidence but I am not on my own anymore on that front, which has helped.  I'm still having bad dreams, etc and we're still in contact sorting things out but I am definitely better off out of there.  Absolutely. It's just a big black cloud over my horizon right now.

Anyway, the day started with some work news, which was...a downer but not a destroy-the-day downer.

Second, the cat - who really is on his way out - disappeared.  Given his condition (renal failure and the big c), we assumed he had gone away quietly to ... well, make his own exit, which is the best euphemism I can find.  Animals like to do this but for me, it was very distressing; it's cold and damp out there.  And we looked everywhere - inside and out, in neighbours’ gardens and in our own.  He had disappeared good and proper.

In the meantime, my mother walked my dog and dog number 2, who is a sprightly six year old black Labrador.  He decided to do his Houdini act and bolted. 

Eventually, both dog number 2 and the cat were found and brought back.  Phew.  The cat came back and sat outside the kitchen door so it was of his own volition.

Later in the afternoon, I walked my own dog, while dog number 3, who is on his last legs and cannot venture out beyond the garden, stayed at home.  When I got back with my hound, I gave them both a Bonio.  Somehow, dog number 3 managed to eat my dog’s harness – well, the plastic clip.  And it could have been fatal.  He has got very sharp teeth and it’s something that could get lodged.

When my mother returned from her long walk of the day with Houdini Hound, we did some emergency first aid on dog 3 to try to stop him choking but, instead he just coughed up blood.  He was rushed to the vet where the practice had closed.  I am not joking!  Fast forward – dog 3 was seen by an emergency vet, given emergency treatment (but not surgery as it is too risky given his age – 14.5 years old) and sent home.

Later that evening he started to bleed out of his nose.  I wish I could describe the tension and anxiety that this was causing.  But…he is ok for now.

And finally, my dog found a hedgehog in the garden, who was probably totally traumatised by her incessant barking.

Anyway…the point of this Animal ER tale was to say…food had to serve a purpose this evening.  It had to be comforting.  And yes, I had a drink to obliterate the day.

I mentioned to my mother that I don’t ever remember a period quite as bad as this – what with one thing and another.  And she agreed and said that having three poorly pets in one hit is also particularly challenging.

But here’s the thing; there are going to be days like this.  There are going to be betters days and maybe even worse days.  But there will be many more like today.  Emotional rollercoasters or dramas that fall within a 24 hour period or…maybe not.  And difficult days that could roll into weeks, which roll into months…you get the picture.

Food-wise, it would be ok to have what I had tonight (risotto and salad with wine), if I hadn’t had very generous seconds and done a load of exercise today (to compensate).  But I haven’t.  Instead, I’ve also eaten toast and mini-flapjacks.  I think you know what I am saying.

The pity party can last but only for so long.  Today I had great intentions of walking – maybe powerwalking – but it just didn’t happen.  Tomorrow, I must make it happen.  Whatever emotional turmoil is going on around us.

I must make the movement a priority.  Wish me luck!

Life Just Gets in the Way - 2

I realise, after my last post, I didn't really explain why life was getting in the way.  There was no context. Well, without wanting to sound tragic, this is what's going on: the job and I have parted company - it just wasn't working and now I am not working, which presents its own financial challenges!  It was all totally hideous but let's just say the bully won.  What a complete nightmare that kind of situation is and thank you to all of you who wrote and offered support. 

Second, the family pets are sick (one in a terminal way) so I have come down to my mum's, thinking she needed a bit of TLC  - as she has to stay at home for now - only to discover that she wanted to see me in person for a reason.  My beautiful dog has got cancer.  Bone cancer.  I couldn't bear to write those words last night.  I just couldn't.  And my mother couldn't bear to tell me the news over the phone - so it was absolutely right to get me here to tell me in person.

There have been many tears between yesterday and today.

The prognosis for my dog isn't great - the only options in terms of treatment are amputation and chemo' but these just give a dog more time.  I'm going to find out as much as I can today but, essentially, I don't want to put her through lots of treatment and apparently, the vet has already said it would not be her treatment of choice either.

The other news is that my husband has had a nasty accident and broken his ribs.  If he reads this, he will laugh and say he is bottom of the pile.  Again.  That isn't the case but after being a very good nurse, there is little I can do and he has insisted on going back to work!  Broken ribs need time to heal, some painkillers to get through the worst and that's about it.  No lifting, no gym, no vigorous activity and well, putting on a suit and going to the office is just about his limit right now.

So, testing times all round.  Last night I spoke to a very old friend whose mother is dying.  Literally.  We had a long chat and we agreed that 2008 sucks.  It really does.

Hope everyone else is faring better.

Life Just Gets in the Way

Greetings, everyone.  Apologies for the silence.  If this blog were a book, this would be the 'this is where it REALLY went wrong chapter'.

I wrote this blog for all sorts of reasons and one of them was to see how I could maintain the lost weight OR, because I didn't really believe that I would actually lose the weight, how things went wrong so that when I put it back on, I would understand why and how.

Well, I am at that stage, right now, even though I haven't stepped on any scales for at least 10 days.

I have deliberately avoided the scales because I didn't want them to confirm what I already knew.  And that is that I am not getting smaller; quite the opposite.

Of course, I have genuinely good reasons for not making my weight regime a priority but...and here comes my own reality check, they are not reasons.  They're excuses.  They're excuses to eat and drink things that aren't good for me.  I wish I could dress it up but that is the truth.

I've stopped being careful.  I've stopped wanting to be careful.  And that is precisely what I DON'T NEED to be doing!  But food and the occasional drink or two are doing something very specific; they are taking the edge off things right now.  They are taking the edge off life.

I remember reading somewhere that unless you are using food to satisfy physical hunger, you're using food inappropriately.  That's where I am right now and it has to change.

I'm not sure how or when but change has to happen.  And I can't use 'life' as an excuse.

Smorgasbord

So tonight's delight is a smorgasbord of mismatched thoughts that I hope will make some sense!

I'm currently having quite a few aha! moments, which are NOT necessarily reflected in my eating patterns but I am hopeful!  Yes, very hopeful.

I caught up on Peridot's blog today and a sentence jumped out at me.  It was the thing about exercise/running - and credit where credit's due because Peridot, you ARE running (!!!) - and how she is still resentful about going.  I TOTALLY understand that sentiment.  150%.

I felt the same about counselling; before I finally took the plunge, I did ask another LighterLife chum whether she resented paying money to talk about her dysfunctional family and the impact that they had had on her life.  Subtext - because I would!  "Not at all," was her reply "because...I feel so much better for going".  Hmmmm.

I know it sounds strange but I just hadn't seen counselling from that perspective and you can substitute counselling for any beneficial activity - exercise, eating healthily...blah blah blah.

I was very lucky today because I was able to have a long, in depth conversation with someone else who is winning at the weight loss game.  We were talking about self-destructive behaviour.  Now, let's face it readers, we know when our own behaviour is self-destructive yet...we still do it.  And with the self-destructive behaviour comes...self-punishment.  I could do a nice little diagram about how one feeds into the other.  I know I have eaten to punish myself.  Yet this person said - quite directly - what's the point of that?  And she is right.  What is the point of punishing yourself?  It has absolutely NO benefit whatsoever.  

I remember reading a new blog, too, about the critical voices in our head.  I just love the way she dealt with it - giving that critical voice a name and shouting back at it.  I'll have to find the link because this IS my interpretation of her situation!  But it made perfect sense.

Last night I went to a glitzy charity event.  It's been AGES since I went to something like this but there were lots of cameras, lots of egos and lots of ... well, confidence - real and fake!  There was  A LOT of cosmetic dentistry going on, too!  Anyway, several things struck me - first, I had a severely restricted wardrobe and just had to make do.  But no matter because...it didn't matter.  I was fine as I was.  And that is NEW behaviour.  Acceptance.  I wasn't the biggest girl at the party BUT I also noticed how quite a few larger ladies were seemingly oozing confidence in a way I never could. And wearing outfits I never would have dared to contemplate even trying on in the confines of a dressing room, never mind wearing at a big high-profile event!

And finally, finally, I happened to sample a LighterLife foodpack, prepared in a way that I never would have considered.  NOT at the glitzy event - just in case you were wondering - I was seeing someone from my group.  But the point of this story is that I jokingly said that I would not have even considered making it in that way!  It wasn't radical but it was radical for me.

I am beginning to understand how limited I have been by my own thought patterns and behaviours.  And I can really see how I have been working against myself - not for months, or years but decades.  That is quite a sobering thought, I must say.  No wonder I am worn out!  I have been battling against me.

So, the long and short of all of this (today's post) is that I am really beginning to question/understand how I have been operating until now.  Counselling has definitely opened the Pandora's box and yes, in a good way, even though it is beyond painful at times.

I guess I feel very mixed right now; on many, many levels, I am SO lucky yet, paradoxically, I have been behaving as if the complete opposite were true.  Now that is insane!

If I could just ...

At the moment, all I want to do is run away.  Each day I fantasise about jumping on a plane and going somewhere, anywhere.  The current dream is a gorgeous beach with a glorious turquoise-coloured sea.

And if the beach isn't an option, my dream holiday would be here or here; I've written about these places before.  The reason they both appeal is because the offer the chance to undo some of the (food) damage of the past and...start again.  Clean slate and all that.

And THAT is what's REALLY on my mind right now; how can I start over?  Lesley's comments about Christmas coming also hit home.  I'd been discussing food options between now AND Christmas and what my potential plans could be.  Because, being honest, Christmas was a watershed moment in my weightloss/weight gain-journey.  And I know that I am not alone with that experience!

My LighterLife Counsellor has said that Christmas is legitimised dysfunctional eating!  Last Christmas I put on 10 lbs.  What I should have/could have done was pull that back and stop the rot.  Right there.  What I did, instead, was mess around and let it get out of control a few months later!

In three months' time, it will be my two year anniversary from starting this journey.  And I really need to think about what that means.  And I'll be honest...it isn't a two stone weight loss, as a whole.

Sunday Brunch

I went to my group this week and weighed 1lb less than the week before.  I was SOOOO pleased.  NOT because the weight loss signified anything specific but it was just a really pleasant surprise.

BUT earlier in the session, someone had asked me how my weight was going and how was I managing with food.  Reasonable enough questions given that it was a meeting about food relationships/weight management but I felt quite resentful.

I also declared to the group that my focus is on my head and not on what I am choosing to eat (or not).  Of course, I've stated on this blog SOOOO many times that the journey is SOOOO not about the food.  But, I've also realised this morning that if I zone out about the food, I'm not really addressing the whole picture, if that makes sense.

The all or nothing thinking strikes again.  I need to tackle both because my feelings dictate my decisions about food, which then affect my feelings...which then affect my next decisions about food.  Aha!

I thought that by losing the weight and doing lots of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) for a few months - which LighterLife offers - would sort me out.  WRONG!  

There's more work to do.  Sigh.  But I have not given up.