Abstinence The Sequel - Two weeks in

So, I have now completed two weeks in abstinence with the past four days at 98% (still having milk in tea).

Of course, weight loss IS a goal but it is not THE ONLY goal.  This stint of abstinence is to help me get back in touch with how I am going to manage, long term, in the world of food where than can be no 'all or nothing' thinking.

This is also the longest period of abstinence since 2007.  I am properly in ketosis, which is giving me the opportunity to spot some emotional hunger going on.  And deal with it.  Boy it feels like physical hunger but if I am honest, I realise that there is an emotional driver sitting underneath it!

I haven't blogged since Friday because there have been all sorts of challenges (I won't say dramas, even though that's what it feels like) but I have amazed myself and stayed...abstinent.  There were a zillion opportunities to eat and even more moments when I just wanted to.  But I didn't.  I have been to A&E (I am fine) and had a root canal on one of my back teeth - the third time on the same tooth but this time by a specialist.  The dentist found a third nerve, which in typical fashion only occurs in 1% of the population! Hence the pain I have had for years; a conventional dentist would never have found this mystery nerve - it requires microscopes and specialist training!  Aha!

So many of us know that in times of stress, food SEEMS like the answer but it rarely is.  Actually, I need to qualify that - comfort eating food seems like the answer but it rarely is.

If I have learnt anything during the past two years it's that self medicating (with food) is not the answer, however overwhelming the feelings in a specific moment may appear.  I can honestly say that I probably could not put that into practice AT ALL last year, certainly not after my miscarriage.  I wanted to but it just seemed too hard and pointless.

I haven't found a new Zen-like calm BUT I have - somehow - managed to hold it together this time, particularly since travelling on Friday.  I am seriously worried about writing that sentence because, usually, such situations then send me bonkers afterwards.  It's as if my brain says, aagghhh, you've had a good day.  Panic!

I have said no to myself lots of times during the past two weeks, I have distracted myself at others.  I've been in a lot of pain (physical and emotional) and I've come out the other side.  I am writing this NOT to say, hey, look at me, but to record the fact that I can do this.  Last year, I had given up believing I could ever maintain my weight loss.  Deep down inside, I thought it was game over and so I ate accordingly.  Not all the time because there was a part of me, still fighting, still determined to hang on, somehow.

I guess, this time, I've also realised that if I did break abstinence, it would introduce a whole new level of drama.  This is a new revelation to me - just HOW much drama I create around what I eat, don't eat, should eat, shouldn't have eaten blah blah blah.

I only need an inch to berate myself for a mile!

However hard abstinence is - and believe me it IS - sometimes it's easier than negotiating the minefield of food.  That sounds so OTT but if you are grappling with comfort eating/a food addiction/compulsive eating, you'll know what I mean.

It reminds me of an interview I read with Marian Keyes; she is an alcoholic (now sober) and has been cutting out sugar.  She said that giving up sugar was much harder.  She made a throwaway comment about having the devil on your back (when sugar/booze/whatever is in the mix) and it jumped out of the page.  A few days later, Julia included the full quote:

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
~ George Carlin

Absolutely!

I feel as if I am back in rehab (metaphorically!) and the really tough stuff starts when I am back with food. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

My lesson learnt THIS past weeks is that I can say no.  To myself.  Without falling apart! LOL!

Comments

[Lesley]

Wow!! Such a lot of really important stuff. You sound as though you are making good progress towards that much coveted goal of weight maintenance. Go fot it! You can do it and so can I .

Very insprirational Mrs!!

Hope all the big issues are not too traumatic sweets.

(((((big hug))))))

Lesley x