I'll be honest, the last couple of days have been hard. NOT impossible. They've just felt like a slog.
I'm learning stuff all the time, which is great. I've learnt to read my physical hunger signals (although I've also then ignored them) and I've really seen how I obsess (in an anxious way) about future 'meals' LONG before it's time to eat. For example, as I am on packs at the moment, I worry about eating too many in the afternoon (ie two within a three hour slot) because what would happen if I don't have them available in the evening.
This panic, which translates as 'will I have the right food' means that I am often overriding what I need to be doing there and then ie responding to a physical need.
I think this is why conventional diets with specific food limits never worked for me. I could never tune in with eating in the best way for my body, if that makes sense.
And this is exactly what I did post-abstinence; I completely ignored my physical hunger. I either didn't give in to it or ate food, particularly if they were planned meals out, even when I wasn't hungry, if that makes sense. Because formerly, as a bigger person, eating several big meals in a day really wouldn't ever have been a problem!
Anyway, the other thing that I have been struggling with mentally is the food as reward thang. I've been working on a project and not known how to give myself little incentives/rewards along the way that didn't involve...food.
This was a habit I tried to break in abstinence before and I really didn't succeed. Anyway, it's a chance to learn how now. Sigh.
I remember asking my LighterLife Counsellor back in 2007 if I could ever really enjoy food as a treat again and she said, of course, you CAN enjoy a slice of cake/piece of cheese (whatever the food is). As long as you can enjoy it for what it is and it doesn't send you bonkers ie it's one of those food things where one is never enough.
I really am beginning to understand that my relationship with food is going to have to be relearnt and appreciate that I know nothing. Yet!
But hey, sometimes I just need to tell myself to get over myself!! As Tiger Girl and I discussed, sometimes I am going to have to just say no! And sometimes that WILL mean saying no to things that I might want to try, just for the novelty value, even though, deep down I know that they will indeed send me crazy.
I found this
quote by Samuel L Jackson back in December (part of an interview) and it seems appropriate to share it with you now. He's talking about rehab' and recovery (he no longer drinks or takes drugs):
'Yeah, all the experts say that you've got to surrender,' he says, nodding, 'but fortunately I was tired. I had reached that place where I could honestly say to myself: I've tried everything else, may as well give this a shot. The irony is I never got to taste Cristal. Back then, Moët was my champagne of choice. Now I get sent crates of Cristal and I ain't never tasted the stuff. Ain't that a bitch?'
Joking aside, does he ever feel like having a drink, maybe raising a glass of champagne or two to his own extraordinary success? 'Hell yeah, there are days when I feel like that, but I don't do it. I ain't the kind of guy who can have one drink. I never could. That's what I have to remember. I never had one drink in my whole life. When I bought a six-pack, I didn't drink a couple of beers and put the rest in the fridge for later in the week. I drank the lot, then went out and bought another one. I was compulsive.'
Enough said.
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