For obvious reasons, the progress with Dr Beck has stalled. What I mean is that I have read it through once, in its entirety but now I must start actually doing it ie working through the exercises for the part BEFORE the dieting starts! Aha.
I am still in abstinence. Can you believe it? I definitely can't. There have been a couple of incidents, shall we say, when my husband was still here - a slice of bread and some chicken soup (so that was the weekend before last). And some cottage cheese - consumed, shock horror, standing up!!! (This would be a cardinal sin for Dr Beck!) There has also been some serious pacing in the kitchen, looking for something, anything but sadly, the cupboards are bare (of treats!). My mother hid the bread from me, which was the only way she got to eat what she needed but I searched high and low for it. On more than one occasion. And usually at night!
Anyway, the point I wanted to make was not, hey, wow, look at me, still on the space food but instead to say that even in abstinence, Beck has much to teach me. The second point is that I find myself having to constantly distract my attention away from food. Each day, every day, all day. And it's exhausting. And each day I worry that I won't last.
Today was a breakthrough. We had to vacate the house because the builder is here - nothing like major work to stop grief in its tracks. At one point, we were going to be near a Waitrose and my thinking was, well, if we're out all day, I can't possibly make up any packs (no bars left) so if necessary, I'll get some pure protein. Of course, you could argue that's sensible planning. In one way it is but it is breaking my diet. The diet that I am following, right now. That is NOT the way of Dr Beck. You plan your food, in advance, and you stick to it. No matter what. In theory!
So, then I had a moment of anxiety and then thought, well, I'll just have to go hungry; it won't kill me. Hello?????? This is unheard of behaviour. This is new thinking. Remember, I am the girl who can't even do a train ride for an hour without thinking "but what about the food and/or is there a buffet on board...or a trolley"! And I just have to log this new thought here because I am sure, later on, I will find a zillion reasons why I cannot follow the rules because they are just too hard! I also am acutely aware that if I do go AWOL now on the diet, the mind games will be horrendous. Tomorrow I am going back to a big city where food is everywhere. If I broke today, tomorrow will be even harder. Even I have to accept that.
So, I left, empty handed and we went out for five hours. We stopped twice and I stuck to cups of tea. I realised that this is how it's got to be. I can drive myself crazy with it or I can just keep practising. The dogs had ice creams. I had none!
I wish I could say this is fun but it isn't. It's a slog BUT I absolutely do not want to be in a position where I am repeating 2008's behaviour of adding 42 lbs back on my body. Not when it took me so much effort to lose them in 2007.
The other important fact to note is that this time last year I definitely would have been resistant to every single suggestion that Dr Beck makes. So maybe we learn this stuff when we're ready? Who knows. But I just keep hearing Lesley's words in my head about flexing my resistance muscle. So that is what I keep doing. And I know the hard part hasn't even started yet...
(Right, I agree I said no more dog stuff but tomorrow I bid them farewell for a while...)
The future visit to a tea shop will look like this...bare!!!
Life's ALWAYS good when there is ice cream...
On the beach...
The builder's car...genius, I thought!
My gorgeous girl deciding that the only place to lay is in the dust...
Great pics - love the dogs looking at the icecream - that's how I feel sometimes!
Well done on thinking about your resistance muscle - I'm being rubbish at the mo. But not for long.....
Ended up working late and not going to the gym - now, did I choose to work late to avoid the gym or not? Partly, but it was also partly trying to spend time with D and partly the fact that I was nearly finished on a tricky task at work and wanted to finish it. Life is complicated isn't it?
Hope city and hubby are pleased to see you - is your visiting thrush still around?
Lesley x
Posted by: Lesley | February 25, 2009 at 08:21 PM