The Lard Arms

The Eat-a-thon Continued

The so-called lock down on food did not happen.  If I were in London, right now, I can guarantee I would have spent the past 72 hours conducting an eat-a-thon of epic proportions.  But I'm not in the capital and my access to temptation has been severely curtailed.  Phew!

The chocolate thing continued.  I went to a meeting yesterday and there were biscuits.  This year I have turned away from such things - in abstinence, that's what you do.  You just say no.  Well, no thanks! Yesterday, I went along hoping against hope that the meeting would include biscuits.  That I could eat. Hmmm or should that be Mmmmmm?!  They were McVitie's Chocolate Digestives.  Milk chocolate.  Social anxiety stopped me scoffing the last one on the plate!!

Last night I had a whole packet of stuffed pasta.  This is bad news.  I know, I know, you're thinking, for goodness sake, don't be so obsessive.  But it's the complete lack of control that scares me, to be honest.  Of course, I also had salad because that's what the thinner me wants.  Salad.  All I want is chocolate and carbs.  

Today it was crumpets.  Don't ask.  Although, I did do a quick calculation and saw that the crumpets seemed to be less damaging (in carbs that sugar) than a pack.  How can that be?  I soooo wish I knew more about nutrition.  Anyway, it was crumpets and marmite (and butter).

There has been much prowling around, opening cupboards, opening the fridge a zillion times.  For what? Rationally, I know what's available.  Looking inside, again, is not going to make food appear out of nowhere.

Anyway, all day I've been feeling tired.  Really, really tired.  When I finally sat down this evening, I fell asleep instantly for 30 minutes.  I felt much better.  Maybe that's what's been driving the past few days - extreme tiredness.  Anyway, today has been chocolate free.

And that reminds me...Shauna, if you're reading this, I TOTALLY agree - what IS it with Green&Black's and 30% versus 34%?  It hardly seems worth launching a whole new product for 4% but obviously some focus groups made them think it was worth it.  Taste-wise, I preferred the creamy milk ie lower cocoa content.  My partner in chocolate preferred the 34%.  Does that make me the opposite of a food snob and reveal a poor palate? Probably. But then I am the girl who will never turn down a Tunnock's Caramel!!!!

Going for Gold...

I've been doing this losing weight malarkey for longer than my adult life.  I've been doing serious weight loss for more than three years and an understanding of addictive eating for at least two.

I have put in a lot of effort. A lot of focus.  And then earlier this year I decided I really knew nothing!  At all.

One thing I DO know for sure is that a run of good days can be followed by ... the complete opposite.  And so it was today.

There were two factors in the mix - hormones and tiredness.  But it's still no excuse.  Whatever I ate, for most of the day, did not assuage my hunger.  So then it wasn't about physical hunger, right?   Well, if that's the case, I haven't done the necessary work to find out what the real problem was.  

It started well - I'm using up the last of my packs - but I was two down by 9.30am.  Then I was travelling and I packed hard boiled eggs, zero fat yoghurt amongst other things.

At the station, I picked up a skinny latte and a banana.  I also bought some chicken (M&S - 3 for 2) and one of their utterly divine superfood salads - the vegetarian one with couscous.  That was for supper. Supposedly.  The coffee, banana, some yoghurt, the salad and some chicken were all consumed within one hour of being on the train.  I also bought some peanut butter (as a gift!) from Whole Foods yesterday. Well, I had some of that too.  The hole was simply not being filled.

When I arrived at my destination, I really wanted some chocolate.  I have not had any chocolate this year. Fact.  This morning, for the umpteenth time, I distracted myself from the Lindt bunnies that we were given at Easter (but several weeks early).  My plan was to buy a small (ie the smallest) bar of Green&Blacks.  But there were none in the supermarket.  Honest! The reality was I bought two large bars because I simply had to taste the new variety.  Obviously.  As of 8pm tonight, both have been demolished (not entirely by me but about 80%).   Regular readers know that I don't allow myself to be obsessional about calories and fat content (because I worry it's a road that leads to more self destruction) but hell, that chocolate came in at an eye-watering 558 calories with 35.9g of fat and 523 calories with 29.7g of fat respectively.  Blimey!

(Compare that with one chocolate food pack, which has 125 calories and 3.4 g of fat.)

Whoops.  Here today... and gone today.

So you see, virtue precedes vice.  Now there is nothing within my reach that can do any more damage.  I am back in the zone of the person on a regime!

Since I had eaten my supper by lunchtime and I didn't want any more packs, I had salad and my new-found love (or rediscovered love since I was eating this about 15-20 years ago!) - quinoa.  It's LIKE pasta in terms of bulk and flavour but it's packed full of protein rather than carbs... 

I was going to take myself off to bed early but the chocolate rush has kept me awake.  So I am ending the day with more protein - my second hard-boiled egg.  Oh and some more quinoa!

Apart from the chocolate, I can honestly say I have enjoyed everything I have eaten - I genuinely have - but I am alarmed by the volume.  If I were a slim person, would I rationalise the food other than the Green&Blacks as something my body needed?  Physically.  Who can say.

I recently bought Dr Beck the CD!  I fell asleep on the train today, with Dr Beck's words of wisdom going, I hope, into my brain.  Clearly, it was busy processing before it could act on them!

Watch this space but I am, for the record, practising lock down on the food front!  For the next few days...

The Temple of Temptation

Apologies for the lack of blogging, etc.  I have been running around (not in a Marathon-kind- of way, though) and came to London.  I had time to kill in the middle of the day and rather than benefit from the cultural offerings, I was on a mission.

I revisited the store that precipitated the Route to Management downfall in 2007 ie the time when you stop being abstinent and start introducing new things and living in the world of food.  I'll try to dig out the link...

And where is this temple of temptation?  None other than Whole Foods, Kensington High Street.  So, while The Chocolate Alchemist's wares were on offer in the window:

I walked straight inside and had something far more virtuous (although, quite frankly, there is much value AND virtue in eating a chocolate dog whilst supporting Guide Dogs for the Blind!).

This was my lunch before I tucked in...

And once I sat down...

I'm on the road again tomorrow so will update very soon.

Stay strong everyone and I must admit, I had completely forgotten just how much food is on offer in the capital.  I was nearly lured by Ben's Cookies at the Tube!  And that was just one of many opportunities to snack that I had to ignore!

When I finally got home, very late, I had scrambled eggs on toast for supper, which was made AFTER I had to make an emergency supermarket stop.   I walked up and down the aisles, contemplated so many things but reminded myself that I needed eggs and Diet Coke only.  So that's when I marched to the till, paid and left.  That visit could so easily have gone in the opposite direction...

I am beginning not to recognise my own behaviour at times, which I am concluding can only be a good thing.  I am also frightened of saying that out loud...as it usually precedes a massive downfall on the food front.

Weight-wise I am up but with hormones in the mix, I won't be able to get a full picture until tomorrow. I hope the scales will be kind...

10K here I come...

Don't get excited, I am not running a 10 km race!

I woke up this morning and thought about the fact that three weeks ago I was lying in a hospital bed, terrified (pre-surgery) and sick as a dog (post-op').  And very sore!  I thought about progress to date and whether I'm feeling better.

As I have mentioned, the whole thing really took it out of me and I've been waiting for that "wow, I feel great" feeling to return.  But it hasn't.

Some friends keep telling me to rest...properly - early to bed, blah blah blah.  Porkchop has told me to rest BUT get moving.  In a more concerted fashion.

What I have noticed is that the longer I feel below par, the more flat I feel - particularly emotionally and mentally.  So I am going to try an experiment.  I'm going to walk 10 km tomorrow. I have found a route that I can do, that's safe, and that will really help me see what I am capable of right now.  (My friend, Doodle, is doing the Moonwalk again, for the third time so she's inspiring me to walk, too.)

What I have also noticed is that the flatter I feel, the more I want to turn to food.  It's the same with being tired.  Yesterday, I was absolutely shattered and I know that in the past, I would have reached for sugar and caffeine to get me through.  A Starbucks double-blended Coffee Light Frapuccino really hits the spot with a double hit.  But I just can't go there anymore (not literally, obviously!!).  That would be far too dramatic!  But those halcyon days of frequenting coffee bars are diminishing...

I'm also super conscious that I am going to have to find a new way of eating.  For life!  There can be no, "it won't be like this forever" thoughts.   I can get back to the food I love soon enough!   This IS how I am going to have to be.

I'm weighing myself everyday and even though I don't feel physically very different, I have to make myself look in the mirror to remind myself that I do look different.  This is a really important point to make; my brain is saying "eat what you like, it doesn't matter" because, in the past, I have made it not matter.  But it's giving into those moments that means the weight will come back.  NOT overnight.  Not even over a couple of months (unless I really go for it) but it will come back if I don't remind myself that I am someone who can lose weight AND learn to keep it off.  I cannot allow myself to think that I can't do it, there's no point and it will never work!  

And that's the really hard bit, to be honest.

Food-wise and post-abstinence - what am I doing?

Someone emailed me today and asked me whether I was still trying to do abstinence. Here's what I replied:

"No.  I am not trying to do abstinence, even though the scales-junkie space in my brain is telling me it's the only way forward!!!

I am doing salads, salads, salads.  And packs.  With the clear aim of making these my last packs.  And a few diversions...

BUT what I haven't done is get organised.  Imagine!  Coming here (I'm on the move again!) so suddenly has made me realise I have to plan beyond salads!

So last week was zero fat yoghurt for breakfast (with some granola that my mum left).  Or a pack.

Lunch was a pack.  With friends, lunch was salad and cottage cheese and...about six mouthfuls of pasta.

Dinner - usually a salad.  Protein = cottage cheese (NOT gone bonkers this time), M&S grilled chicken (3 for £5)/Quark, I had mozarella last week (off piste) but IN the salad and I made it last more than one meal.

I have absolutely steered clear of sugar but you know I have eaten crisps and had some booze on Saturday night.  But then I had a salad, even though we both wanted anything but.

I have wanted a Starbucks for days now but am worried about consequences.

Oh, and I did start having pitta breads but...they had to stop. Low GI or not.   So last night I just had salad.  Loads of salads from M&S.  

If I want to eat and it's not physical, I am picking on the M&S chargrilled chicken. This is filling me up (from a tiny amount) and taking away the urge to eat volume.  The pitta bread was doing the opposite.

Oh and on Sunday night, when I felt so so so ill (pain, nausea, etc etc) we went for a drink after cinema. I had diet coke, which calmed the nausea.  And all I wanted was something bland.  Really bland.  In the end I had pasta BUT my husband made me share a portion with him.   But that was a case of identifying very clearly and precisely what I wanted and eating it.  You can imagine the focus!!!  I had a much better night's sleep, TBH.  Although right now that is all relative since I am not really sleeping brilliantly.  But it did the trick."

I often forget how obsessed I was during Route to Management 1, which was from August 2007 onwards. And I really was.  Going to the supermarket was a major mind-f**k.  Sorry for the language but it did bad things to me - mentally, physically and emotionally.  Pacing up and down the aisles, agonising which protein was appropriate, yet going bonkers with caffeine and sugar from Starbucks!

You'll see from the email that, weight-wise, I am not where I want to be.  BUT I accept that from a health perspective, staying on a VLCD would not be ideal now. I need to learn how to eat in a healthy way (that won't aggravate my condition) and find an exercise routine that also won't make things worse for my skin/stomach.  Today, for example, I read that people who start using anti-histamines regularly, pile on the pounds.  

Anyway, the one thing I really want to document here, right now, is the realisation that I actually need very little food. But, boy oh boy, is my mind telling me the opposite.  I think it comes from my pathological and intense dislike of very thin women who are obsessed by eating like birds.  The dislike, of course, came from my own very out of control relationship with food.  Or my greed!  It was just easier to project my own inadequacies onto them.  Shame on me!

Escapology

Soooo...ever since the surgery (apart from the Michelin-starred v. McDonald's diversion), I've been trying to feel...better. Mentally, physically and emotionally.  But it just hasn't been happening.  

I don't know why.  I've been good on the food front.  I've been trying to recuperate.  But today...today I just went AWOL.  The pain situation is getting out of control again, which is slightly alarming, too.

My husband and I have been living separate lives (not deliberately) and it's been quite challenging to get used to each other again.  Today we went to see local friends who have recently had a new baby.  Their first child.  On the way home, we stopped for a quick drink.  I'd been up since 6am, having had less than five hours' sleep (the insomnia since the op' has been horrendous).

Suddenly, I just longed to be spontaneous.  And escape.  I didn't want to think about how life hasn't worked out quite as I envisaged.  I didn't want to think about the fact that we are really displaced in the town where we live ie NOT in London and we cannot sell our house in these credit-crunch times!  I didn't want to think about the fact that my dog is far too close to the great kennel in the sky for my liking and currently more than 200 miles away.  I didn't want to think about the fact that I wanted us to be a family of more than two adults.  I didn't want to think about the fact that 2008 was my annus horribilis.  I didn't want to think about the fact that I feel completely and utterly lost and the medical future is not bright but totally terrifying.

Our friends, with their new baby, are planning a new life abroad.  Their new life, as a family.  I felt so old. And so unwell.

And that's when I realised; I didn't want to be spontaneous.  I wanted to escape.  From my own life.  

In the absence of sugar, I've gone for liquid cake - 3 bottled beers (Budvar and Peroni).  And it hasn't even touched the physical pain.  Hmmm.

Time for a rethink.  Again.

At war... with ourselves

My last post made reference to me being my own worst enemy, to being at war with myself.  Peridot agreed with that sentiment (how we do that self-sabotage thang) and wrote about it on her blog, too.  

Here's what really stood out for me:

"Weight seems a constant war I am fighting with myself - and if you fight yourself you're always losing. Of course that should mean you're always winning too but somehow it never does feel like that. The war is exhausting and stretches on and on into my future in a bleak and hopeless sort of way."

Well, of course, those are words that I can totally understand!  But here's the thing - every time we eat something that is for any other reason than physical hunger, we are doing ourselves a massive dis-service. But here's what I also know... when life is operating at full-tilt, super kind thoughts (about our own wellbeing) are not close at hand.  They really aren't.  Sometimes they really are missing in action.

The last time I was at this phase (so called Route to Management with LighterLife), I was strung out on caffeine and sugar, adrenaline (massive draws on my own reserves) and working really, really hard.  I was spiking my own blood sugar levels any which way.  I was, literally, a bundle of nerves, held together by stimulants.  I wasn't actively exercising (as in going to the gym) but I was running around, cycling up and down the hill to our Bed and Breakfast and friends tell me now that I looked haggard at the time!  And 10 years older!

Peridot mentioned the whole weight loss thing being unfair.  Well, yes it is.  The simple truth is that once you have carried a few extra stones, your body will gain it back in double-quick time, given half a chance. Exercise isn't a choice - it has to become an everyday activity, as well as food intake...or control.  That is where Beck comes in, as in Dr Judith Beck.  Even though I have still not opened the book since my operation, I know that she is going to be part of the armour in the war against myself.  Have you noticed how I still haven't got very far with Beck?!  But she is on my radar, she really is!

The urge to eat (well, let's say self medicate with food) can sometimes come on so quickly that before we know it, we are several slices of toast/cake...whatever it is...further on in the process. And we didn't even notice.  

I don't want to be at war with myself, I really don't. (I really do want to master TypePad because this line formatting is driving me mad!)    Anyway, I digress.  I wish I could say with certainty that since I know salt and vinegar crisps are really bad for me (from my health's point of view - the M word, not weight point of view) and therefore I won't have them anymore.  Not so.  Because I don't yet know how to make that a reality.  Ditto any other savoury snack that you can think of that is so heavily processed yet...tempting!

What I do know is that I cannot go through another year like 2008 and end it, 3 stone heavier and really wondering what the hell was so worth eating that it meant I would have to spend at least three months in 2009  doing abstinence all over again.  And not even manage to lose all the weight again.  With hindsight, I can say one meal stands out - my husband's lasagne that I ate after my miscarriage.  That really was worth it.  Every single mouthful!  It wasn't just food, it was comfort food when I absolutely needed it.  A close second was a burger at Byron's in London. That was also totally worth it and again, I absolutely needed it!  But two meals out of how many thousands?!  

So, as I slow down on the VLCD packs and increase my 'real' food intake, I am acutely aware that what I also need to do is be my own cheerleader.  I need to have me on my team (!), supporting me every step of the way.  What I absolutely do not need is to be my own worst enemy, something I have been really good at for many years.  As Peridot says, "if you fight yourself you're always losing".

And that, dear readers, really is how it is. 100 per cent.

I am officially... still overweight!

Well, Easter came and went and not one single Easter egg passed my lips.  But before you feel a flicker of whatever you might be feeling when you read a sentence like that...I'd like to say that Easter included dining at a Michelin-starred restaurant and a pit-stop at McDonald's (I had a chocolate milkshake and a cup of tea).  So from one extreme to the other...

In the process, I put on...8 lbs.  Eight pounds!  It reminded me of when I did the Scarsdale diet as a teenager and put on several pounds after one meal.  Yes, one meal!

That is the downside of following a VLCD and then eating a couple of big meals, a few drinks and bam!  A month's worth of abstinence down the swanney.

And it WAS a month's worth of effort because I got weighed today, at my LighterLife Counsellor's office and I am still over 11 stone.  Still...overweight.  Only marginally but...

I do want to document one thing that alarmed me...just how quickly the old desires came flooding back. The  big meal has been on the cards for ages so I could plan for it.  I also planned what I was going to eat in advance.  But but but...alcohol is like the set of keys held by the gatekeeper of my sensible food mind.  If I introduce alcohol, it's as if the the keys come out and the gates are opened.  And how.  Any rational thought escapes in the process and I run riot.  Or my desires do.

The first day was not soooo bad but by day 2, I was planning when and where I could next eat.  Off piste. By the evening, I was ready to go out for pizza (hello?!?!?!?) and got rather stroppy when my husband said we could share one from the supermarket.  For goodness sake!

I've managed to reign myself in, good and proper, since then but the desires are there.  Waiting to pounce. On the train into London, I was planning where I could buy some crisps because I wanted them AND, I reasoned, they would not be heavy on the scales!  As soon as I stepped off the train, I had to get out of the mainline station and completely change my route.  There could be no hanging about today - any idle moment could prove disastrous.  If you think this sounds dramatic, this is what it's like.  Living with this food thing!

I bought myself some chicken (M&S chargrilled, 3 for 2) so that if I got tempted, I could have that.  And nothing else.  I did eat it and now have indigestion!  Several hours later...

When I returned to the mainline station, I would have had to wait 20 mintues for my train.  I knew, in my heart of hearts, I would buy food that I neither needed nor wanted (not really).  It's a pattern I used to have after coming back from my LighterLife group.  I'd have this ongoing dialogue with myself.  I won't, I won't, I won't...and then, invariably, I did.

So, rather than leaving myself vulnerable, in London, I decided to take a faster train to a connecting station and get a taxi.  Yes, it was something I couldn't afford.  But I was so tired - I am still finding some things tough, post-surgery - and I finally understood that such behaviour (self-sabotage) was just more of the same and quite possibly the tipping point for a spiral of failure.  All over again.

By the time I got home, and into my bath, I realised I wouldn't even have been at my own station and with a 15 minute walk past shops and restaurants on top of that... to get home ...well, I hope you see what I am saying.

Two years on, from starting LighterLife, I really am beginning to see how I have been at war with myself.  I really have, at times, been my own worst enemy.  I've tried to analyse why.  I've tried to find THE answer, to help me stop.  In the end. I realise, there is never one solution.  Distraction therapy worked today because I had the time and space.  I'll be honest, it was massively inconvenient - having to re-route myself, not once but twice, in one afternoon!  But it was what was needed today.  If I'm feeling vulnerable and emotional, reaching out to a friend may work better.  And sometimes bed and bath are the only answer - which is where I am now.

Goodnight everyone and let's remember Scarlett O'Hara's famous words...

"Tomorrow is another day!"

Good Friday?

So, for the Catholics amongst us, today is a sombre day.  If you've been cutting things out for Lent, you're on the homestretch.  If you are a traditionalist, you'll be cutting back on food anyway (it being Good Friday) and you'll be attending a very gloomy Mass.

I once made the mistake of convincing my husband to come to Mass - on Good Friday - forgetting just how sobering the experience is.

Anyway, anyway, this is an important time for other religions and one of my closest chums has come home for Passover.

But of course, you may be wondering what has this got to do with weight loss?  Probably not very much. Unless you've having (as I have done for years and years) the annual debate in your head about wanting an Easter Egg but absolutely NOT allowing yourself one, only to have a chocolate frenzy at some later date.

Since Tuesday's appointment, I've been trying to work out where I go from here - food-wise.  I finally got down to 10 stone 13 so was definitely definitely squeezing myself into the "normal" BMI category.  

I didn't go crazy with the news ie announce here that I was back in the zone.  Because this time round- Abstinence 2 - everything is different.  This time I know that this is only the very beginning of something much longer and more challenging.  

If you follow a VLCD, you should really ease yourself back - very gently - into the world of food.  It can be a minefield.  I can honestly say, with hindsight, that last time I started Route to Management, I was most definitely NOT in an adult state.  I had no idea what I was doing and no idea of what lay ahead.  But I thought I did!  I really did!  This time round at least I know that I know nothing!

Ever since I did Route to Management in 2007 (and viewed my efforts as a spectacular failure because I fell off the wagon at the first hurdle ie first meal!), I have been wanting to do it again.  Properly ie perfectly. Because by doing it perfectly, I figure, I can learn some proper skills about eating healthily and maintaining my weight.  But it is never going to be perfect.  Not unless I want, at least, another 3-4 months of social isolation.  That is not necessary for people following a VLCD but, for me, I found it was the only way that worked.

I went onto the LighterLife website and couldn't believe how much it has improved!!!  It's much more user-friendly AND supportive.  Dare I say it, in terms of tools, it's as good as the Weight Watchers website, which I had recommended to Lesley?  I found all my weights had been logged onto a graph - imagine - all my LighterLife weigh-ins plotted in a curve.  And I didn't have to enter them!  It has weekly shopping lists for Route to Management.  It has all the mind stuff, which is just as important in the weight loss journey.

If you have done a short burst of abstinence (say, one month), you can re-introduce food more quickly in a condensed version of Route to Management.  It's a 10 day programme.  You can spread it out to 20 days, if you so desire.  Or longer, I guess.

So, just as you can spend as long as you like doing Route to Management - learning to handle different foods, repeating particular weeks if you found them tricky or you feel you didn't get your head round the learnings - I am figuring that I can make the shorter version work for me.  This time round, my motivation is very different.  It's about my health.  BUT, I'll be honest, the mind games are JUST the same.  And just as hideous.  But this time round, I'll be taking Beck with me, every step of the way.

Festive Greetings Everyone.

Flower Power

While I have been away, my garden has been growing!  Since I have been at home, recovering, I've been able to enjoy some of the flowers...

Amongst the daffodils is one red tulip, which turned out like this (below).  Isn't it gorgeous?

The magnolia tree...

And close up...