The Lard Arms

Stop? Go? Wait?

Well, actually, I've been doing all three.  Today...I passed my driving theory test.  For the second time!  I am ECSTATIC!

I passed last time but that was a decade ago so the certificate is now null and void and she who wants a UK driving licence must have a valid (for two years only) theory test in her possession.  Yesterday, I had to rush to London for more medical tests - at short notice - so my revision time at the car centre computer went down the swanney.  I took my books but each time I tried to concentrate, I was too distracted.

This morning I was on the phone to my husband for my last-minute revision, asking about driving/parking uphill and downhill and what you need to purchase a Tax Disc.  And guess what?  Those questions came up!

Food-wise things have gone completely haywire.  'Breakfast' this morning was a Mars bar and a Snickers bar!  Hellooooo?!   But yesterday was a long, very stressful day - excuses, excuses, excuses - and when my alarm went off at 5.00am (WTF?!), I just could NOT wake up.  Of course, you may wonder how I had such forbidden foodstuffs within easy reach.  I bought them last night on the way home, en route via the supermarket.  Just in case...

I think the reason I am so thrilled (about the exam, not the chocolate consumption) is that it's something I dreaded.  I had convinced myself that I couldn't pass.  I wasn't even going to sit the exam.  My brain was sooooo busy telling me what I didn't know that it was hard to keep the noise down.  This is an exam that thousands of people sit (and pass) every year yet the fear almost stopped me stepping outside.  

Anyway, I will soon be venturing out onto the road.  I am not sure I can face the simulator just now so I might just go for the real thing.  In the meantime, the celebrations will have to be curtailed - if I am not careful the scales will get really out of control.

Counter Productive

Today I had another driving school moment.  I was in the simulator and couldn't do the 'task', which was all about progressing.  This is when you move from one gear to another, as you increase the speed of the car (or so I believe!). There was no progress being made, as the simulator's automatic voice kept telling me. I was either going too slowly OR I wasn't breaking smoothly enough OR the gear changes were wrong. Either way, I was not progressing.

Cue: anger and frustration followed by tears.  But the tears only appeared when one of the lovely staff tried to help me.  The tears were all about not being able to do it, not being able to drive... when everyone else can!  Can you hear the whining from where you are?!

I think the practical side of driving is going to be a slow business (I have failed my manual test twice).  I phoned my friend, Porkchop, and continued to sob down the phone, saying I hated driving and I'd never be able to do it.  No, she reminded me, I do not hate driving, I hate having to learn to drive.  The two things are very different.  Aha!

Weight loss and weight maintenance are exactly the same.  I'm getting to grips with the theory (apart from the driving in fog situations and what documents you need to get a tax disc versus insurance versus an MOT).  But, in comparison, I can 'do' theory.  Just like I know what to do about losing weight.  And, if I am honest, I know what to do to maintain.  I just choose NOT to do it.  I am choosing NOT to learn how to maintain my weight in a practical way.  I realised today it's because I'm worried I will fail.  And while I am busy worrying I will fail (at maintaining weight), I am busy eating off piste - the driving equivalent would be having lots of mini crashes.

Never mind education, education, education or Location, Location, Location - it's got to be application, application, application.

After the tears on the simulator, I decided to halt the lessons until I have finished (and passed) my theory test.  The two are not inter-dependent.  My husband thought this was an excellent strategy; going on the simulator, particularly at a hormonally-challenged time, is "counter productive" he advised.  Absolutely.

Eating off piste is exactly the same; it's totally counter productive and against what I am trying to achieve. So it's one step at a time.  Even if they are teeny tiny steps.  Just so I can progress!

History Repeating Itself

I am back home for the weekend - I am still doing the suitcase living thing - so 'home' doesn't feel like home anymore.  It feels like somewhere I visit, from time to time and, when I do, I have so much to do - garden, allotment, domestic chores, etc etc.  But one thing is constant - the weighing scales.

Well, let me rephrase that, when I come home, to my own scales, I get a reality check.  Whatever the other scales tell me, when I get back here, I really know what's going on ie I can't fool myself (hard as though I might try).

In six weeks, I have gained 9lbs.  If I take my pre-surgery weight, it's 10lbs.  That really is nearly a stone. Crikey!  (It's history repeating itself, alright; Christmas 2007/2008 saw me gain the same amount and I cannot let it get so out of hand again.)

I wish I could say that I haven't seen it coming (the weight gain) but I have.

I wish I could say that it's because I've eaten out every single night and indulged my every whim.  But I haven't.

I wish I could say that I have done absolutely no exercise to merit such a gain but I have (done some).

But here's what did happen:

I have eaten out a few times.  Not many but enough, clearly, to make a difference.  Last weekend we ate out twice, which is a rarity.  A combination of a couple of courses with booze seem to be the tipping point. I may not indulge in the restaurant BUT I do find it hard to reign things back in afterwards - it really is as if my brain seems to say "now we have permission to eat what we like - off we go!".

I've started to 'reward' myself with food. The driving thing has proved to be a mixture of stress and hilarity. I did indeed ring up my friend Doodle (a long-term dieter and weight-holder!!) and say that I had 'sim' rage'.  The simulator (pretend car) did bad things to my mind.  The lovely staff recommended I take a chill pill (I am NOT joking) - not once, but twice in a two-hour session and maybe get some fresh air and a coffee.  When I cannot do a certain exercise/manoeuvre - particularly anything involving clutch control (ie most manual driving!) - I don't find myself cheering myself on - quite the opposite.  It's a litany of how rubbish I am, how I cannot drive - and who am I kidding? - and on and on and on.  And on!  So, I noticed that by the end of the week, the sessions were pre-empted with some food (just in case - you know, that old chestnut - I wonder, just in case what, exactly?  I might break down in the fake car, on the fake hard shoulder?!).  The sessions were punctuated by a visit to the cheap food van opposite or a nearby Starbucks - for tea and coffee only but then on Friday I bought a flapjack.

Eating too much - I cannot bring myself to write the words portion and control together in one sentence. It will do even worse things to my diet-resistant brain!  Quite easily and unconsciously, I think my portions have been getting bigger again.  I've noticed that I am eating the same amounts as my husband who is almost a foot taller than me and currently going to the gym at least four if not five times a week.  I am not doing that level of exercise to burn off the plates of food.  

Anyway, so as not to be 100% negative, here's what's been good or...a work in progress.

Exercise - now, I'll be absolutely honest.  I am frightened of exercise.  Errr, let me rephrase that.  I am frightened about the effects of exercise.  The 10K walk from a few weeks ago...well, it happened.  (Lovely reader, Vanessa, gave me a recommendation for a book - which I will research and share - thank you!)  But it wasn't a glorious walk in the countryside; it was an urban walk of terror!  Lots of empty stretches with dodgy-looking men, making me feel very nervous.  For 3/4 of the walk, I saw  just one woman!   Anyway, instead of thinking, never mind, I can find a different route, I didn't repeat the two-hour walk.  Walking is good for me and good for my skin ie my skin does not completely freak out (due to the mastocytosis).  But it takes a long time.  

Running - I talk about running but never do it.  I fantasise about running but never get out there.  Yes, I really do like the idea... Anyway, last weekend, I finally, finally, finally went for a 30 minute walk-run-walk-run session...with my husband!  I have been waiting for such a day for... years.  If I told any of our friends, they would be massively shocked so I have to say I am very proud of my husband's commitment to exercise.  He's not a natural athlete but he's stuck at it. We went out on both days - Saturday and Sunday - and while it was hard, it wasn't impossible.  I monitored my skin and it wasn't great.  Even my husband was alarmed BUT it wasn't as bad the second time AND it certainly wasn't as dramatic as it has been after running on a treadmill.  After five minutes in a gym situation (running to my favourite Coldplay track!), I am literally burning up and my skin is sooooo itchy, I feel as if I need to tear my clothes off.  It sounds comical but it really isn't.

There is a medical anxiety that I am living with at the moment.  I can't pretend it's otherwise.  There's also a great deal of uncertainty about our personal situation - my husband and I are still not living in our home, together, or, indeed, in one place together.  We don't know where we will be in six months' time.  Of course, lots of others are in the same situation in these credit crunch times.  So, day to day, I work really hard at being positive but there is no doubt that these underlying uncertainties give me an excuse...to eat!

There is much work to be done on the practicalities of getting the weight back down (I am now officially back in the overweight zone) without resorting to abstinence.  I also want to master the art of going out to dinner AND not going bonkers afterwards.

Anyway, I am not going to beat myself up (ha!) about this but some firm taking myself in hand strategies need to be applied!   It's time for Dr Beck - not to read or listen to in an osmosis-fashion - but to commit pen to paper and do the exercises.  I really cannot be all talk and no action.  Speaking of which...it's time for a run!  Ha ha.

My friend Doodle is doing the Moonwalk tonight, so I am wishing her lots of love and luck.  For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's a walking marathon (or half marathon if you can't face the 26.2 miles).  It's in aid of breast cancer charities and it's a fantastic thing to do.  So, for anyone doing charity events in the near future, GOOD LUCK.  

Wishing everyone a gorgeous weekend - what has happened with the weather in the UK?  My poor garden is battered.  And as for the promised barbecue summer...

Driving Me Crazy

I have decided to get back to driving.  And try to pass my test - third time lucky.  I haven't been near a test centre for more than a decade.  But I did have lots of lessons about seven years ago and... then did nothing about a test.  I've taken a theory test - in the past - and got the certificate.  But all these things are useless now as I have to start from scratch.

So, I've armed myself with the latest books and ensured that I can access a reputable driving school's computers and simulator (supposed to be like a car but soooo not!).  So far, so bad.  I would have failed both tests in spectacular fashion.

But but but...I am really keen to pass.  I am highly motivated because where we live now is not like the capital - it isn't overrun with fabulous public transport.  And being unable to drive is a massive disadvantage.  If doing a serious diet has taught me anything, it's taught me that persistence is the key.  I often forget that in food situations but it's true.  

Part of my driving avoidance was due to my utter terror about exams.  And feeling rubbish.  There is nothing like being unable to do something that the majority of the population can.  Every single one of my friends can drive.  And their partners.  All my neighbours can drive.  I only know of one person who doesn't  and they are still in central London.  So they have no need of a car.

It's so interesting - before I had my lessons, I wanted to eat.  It was anxiety.  When the simulator was telling me that I was failing on the same points, many times over, I just wanted to run away and hide in a sandwich shop.  Luckily, the staff are calm and patient and reassured me that sometimes the simulator can get it wrong. Imagine!

Afterwards, I wanted to eat.  It was the relief of surviving several hours in a driving school!  I also wanted to numb the feelings that saw failure, failure, failure on the results sheet.   The urge to eat was...almost overwhelming.  Fortunately, since I was already stuffed (from a sandwich!), I managed to get myself home, in one piece, avoiding all eateries.  And I decided to blog instead and hope the crave wave subsided.

Food-wise, overall, things are not great.  They are not terrible but I find if I slacken the leash, I go bonkers. I ate out twice over the weekend and reigning myself back in, is like coming back after the most fabulous holiday.  Real life kicks in!  Today the sun is shining and I want to go out in the evening and have fun. With food!  Again, it simply isn't an option and so once my work is done, I'll be cosying up with my Theory Test Manual.  And supposedly enjoying a delicious salad, too.  All I want are carbs. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Who am I? Who are you? Who are we?

OK, as promised, some big stuff to get our teeth into - and straight after a Bank Holiday, too!  I promised you a great post - which I believe this is - and a guest one at that.  It's based on numerous conversations I've had with fellow weight-loss chums and I've asked my blogging pal, Tiger Girl, to summarise a meaty theory into one neat post!  I only really began to understand it about a month ago and like all good studies, I loved it and then...forgot it.  Well, no more!

Over to Tiger Girl...

So the saying goes that 'our beliefs drive our behaviour', which is all very true but what about the stuff that drives, shapes and forms our beliefs?  It's a complex lifelong process, but for the dieter knowing who we are and understanding how this impacts on our weight management is an absolutely critical piece of the jigsaw.

Our identity sits at the core part of us all.  If you try to answer the question, 'Who am I?' all sorts of answers will pop up; I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a friend, I'm a wife, I'm a colleague, I'm a sister, I'm a lover and so on.  But for us dieters, we need to scratch the surface and dig a bit deeper than that to start putting our whole story together.  

The great thing about beliefs is that they can and do change, and with a bit of work you can re-programme them all to be exceptionally empowering.  We hold very helpful beliefs about some aspects of our lives, and some spectacularly unhelpful beliefs which limit us or hold us back in certain areas.

Live Case Study moment!  

I have a very empowering belief about my work:

 'I love my job and I'm brilliant at it'  

And what do you know, I've got an uber mega job and an enviable CV.  However, 'I'm rubbish at long term relationships' sits at the opposing end of the scale, and here I am as single as can be. (It's a work in progress!)

Our beliefs drive everything that happens in our lives.  The better you get at 'trapping' them and understanding which ones help and which ones hold you back, the more change you can create.  The best and most simple way to do this is to do your own Identity Audit.  You will be amazed at how some of your beliefs and values have shaped who you are and how you behave.  And for the dieter, answers will come at you like a train.

For the dieter, we all know that 'eat less, move more', and 'planning', and 'resistance', and 'control' and on and on and on are all messages that we've heard, read or been told to do.  Endless strategies around dieting and exercise will have served us well momentarily at certain times in our lives.  But if your beliefs and identity don't stack up in line with these messages and strategies then that's when the wheels will probably fall off. It's a bit like trying to de-seed an apple by gently picking the skin off - so just cut it in half and get straight to the core!

The theory goes, 'to make the most profound impact on your behaviour, change your belief'. And if this doesn't register with you for any reason, just think about the times you've lost weight and been thrilled about it, only then to re-gain it and feel desperate.  It's probably because everything has changed in your environment (ie. apple skin has been picked at) and nothing has changed at all in your belief system (ie. the core!).

There's an NLP model which covers all of this in more depth.  Developed by Robert Dilts, the 'Neurological Levels' suggest that learning and change can take place at different levels, but the biggest changes come from the very core levels, and when aligned to the higher levels...harmony rules!

He says we operate on six levels:

1. Spirituality

This is the deepest level where we consider and act out the great metaphysical questions:

Why are we here? What is our purpose?

2. Identity

The next level is our basic sense of ourself:

Who am I?  What is my mission?

3. Beliefs

From our identity, come our beliefs.  These are the rules we live by based on what we think is or is not true.

4. Capability

Our skills and strategies that we use every day.

5. Behaviour

Our actions.

6. Environment

Our surroundings and the other people we meet.

An example of a hugely successful weight holder who has all of the levels perfectly aligned would work like this:

Environment: No matter where I am - the office, home, on holiday - it has no negative impact on my diet.

Behaviour: I eat 3 balanced meals a day and have 2 good snacks.

Capability: I know how to manage my weight well and have learned X strategy/X strategies to consistently do this.

Belief: I will always be a successful weight holder/maintainer.

Identity: I am a successful weight holder/maintainer.

Notice the differences in this example around holding a belief that you cannot stick to your diet when you're on holiday:

Environment: I don't stick to a diet when I'm on holiday - I see a beach and eat cake/drink cocktails!

Behaviour: I allow myself to go a bit mad with food when I'm on holiday.

Capability: I don't know how to stick to my diet when I'm on holiday.

Belief: I let go of all of the food rules when I'm on holiday or I don't enjoy myself.

Identity: I am a failure at managing my weight consistently.

Understanding what's going on at your identity level can really help you understand what's not working at the higher levels.  Think of it like peeling the layers from an onion and look at what's truly underpinning your frustrations, or, of course, discover how to further celebrate your successes if your levels are in pristine alignment already! 

*Neurological levels by Robert Dilts, adapted from 'Introducing NLP' by Joseph O'Connor and John Seymour

So, to the work!  It's your turn to get thinking...

Find out exactly where you're at by completing these sentences below.  This is your very own Identity Audit and the trick here is to write down the very first and immediate response that comes to mind.  You don't need to craft any answers, this is about discovering exactly what's going on for you in the belief system and working out the helpful stuff (which you will keep, and make even more powerful) and the rubbish bits (which you'll be putting in the bin - forever) that are getting in the way of truly building, re-shaping or fine tuning an identity which screams 'I am a hugely successful weight holding godess and love myself and my life'

Grab a pen and piece of paper and scribble down the answers that come to mind first on completing the following sentences:

1. In order to succeed, I must...
2. In order to get what I want, I need...
3. The most important thing about being my best physical self is...
4. As a dieter, I am...
5. As a friend, I am...
6. As a I woman, I am...
7. As a success, I am...
8. As the person I am today, I am...

And now the really important bit...

When you're done, go back and read your responses.  How true are they for you?  What rules are you setting yourself?  Are those rules helpful or holding you back?  Which of your responses do you want to make even bigger and better?  How can you do that?  Which of your responses do you want to get rid of?  How can you do that?

Become your very own identity detective and start piecing this stuff together.  Enlightenment awaits!

                                                                     

Mrs Lard here...I thought it would be helpful to give you a couple of examples to see how different people answer these questions:

Example 1

1. In order to succeed, I must...practise, learn, practise.
2. In order to get what I want I need...to share and laugh and lighten up
3. The most important thing about being my best physical self is...my strength
4.  As  a dieter I am...very successful
5.  As a friend I am...loyal and supportive
6. As a woman I am...liberated and learning
7. As a success I am ...fulfilled 
8. As the person I am today I am...where I want to be

Example 2

In order to succeed, I must love myself

In order to get what I want, I need to relax

The most important thing about being my best physical self is, my strength

As a dieter, I am successful

As a friend, I am loyal & supportive

As a woman, I am vulnerable

As a success, I am recognised

As the person I am today, I am happy & contented

Example 3

In order to succeed, I must be perfect

In order to get what I want, I need help

The most important thing about being my best physical self is...(love)

As a dieter, I am a failure (confused)

As a friend, I am fabulous

As a woman, I am...(lost)

As a success, I am ...blank (couldn't answer)

As the person I am today, I am OK (enough - but I don't believe it) 

**Massive thanks to my weightloss friend, Tiger Girl, for writing this. The words are hers!  I would be really interested in any feedback you may have; do you think it helped you?  Please let me know! Feedback really, really welcome!  Just email me at [email protected]

I found the process particularly...enlightening (!) and have been trying to make this post happen for a while now.  Shauna's recent post and Lesley's work with Dr Steve Peters prompted me to get TG to put pen to paper!  And then, of course, I had my own core belief moment last night with the pizza!!!

And finally...any TypePad chums out there who know about formatting?  I soooo cannot sort out the editor thang anymore.  Grrrrrr.

Mystic Pizza

Regular readers will know I have one particular food obsession that has never changed...pizza!  Not the Pizza Hut variety but more the wood-fired oven variety.  When I lived in London, I found the perfect pizza - after many, many attempts.

As last year drew to a close, I found myself eating too many shop-bought pizzas - always top of the range (obviously!) - but always, always, always...disappointing.

I've had several opportunities - this year - to have a supermarket pizza and I've turned them down.  It just didn't feel right; I knew they wouldn't hit the spot.

I went to see Malcolm Gladwell on tour in London last autumn and visited one of my favourites (if not the favourite) pizzeria - Pulcinella in Soho.  I was disappointed but put it down to other things going on in my life.

Well, tonight, I went out for pizza.  Somewhere good.  Somewhere with the right oven.  And things looked promising, they really did.

And guess what?  It was...disappointing.  Again!

It was just too heavy, too doughy and actually...too rich!  I can't believe I am writing this.  I really can't.  I can't believe my love affair with - what I thought was perfection in food form - is over.  Or at least altered beyond recognition.

Admittedly, there was a lot of chat going on tonight and I now find eating out a completely different experience.  Two years ago, I would have crossed continents for pizza.  And, in fact, I did!  I broke abstinence for a slice of pizza pie in New York City!

Anyway, I'm not going to make any rash statements about the 'p' word right now but it's got to be more than a coincidence that there has been much dis-satisfaction around rather than the opposite.  Hmmmm. Because if I am not a pizza fanatic, who am I???

And that leads me to a very important post that I will publish tomorrow.  I've got a guest blogger popping by with awesome (well, I think so) words that are relevant for all of us.

Hope everyone (who could) enjoyed their Bank Holiday Monday.

Until tomorrow!

Monkeying Around

The title is deliberate.  That is exactly what I have been doing - with food - AND it's a reference to our new elite dieter (!) friend, Lesley, whom I am thrilled to say is rising to the Olympian challenge over at the velodrome in Manchester.

I do urge you to go to her blog and see what she has been up to.  There is much to think about,particularly with the chimp theory, which I won't even attempt to explain over here!

Sooooo...back to the food thang.  And losing weight.  Or gaining it, in my case.  There is something about Lesley's comments and blog that bring me right back down to earth - a great reality check with some humour thrown in.  It's what I needed.  There will be no more chocolate chat because...there will be no more chocolate for a while!  Let's just say my little experiment gave some interesting results.  Unless I am in a restaurant and having a chocolate dessert, chocolate and I can be in a very destructive co-dependent relationship!  When it's good, it's really good and when it's bad, it's awful.

I really did see for myself how highly addictive the brown stuff (well, probably the sugar) can be.  The thing is, I think it's important to test oneself every now and then.  And sadly, I've proved that there need to be some very strong boundaries around sugar.

I've also really neglected the work I need to do to really prepare for a life of maintenance.  I'll be honest, it scares me.  I cannot do abstinence again.  I absolutely cannot.  So what that means is that I need to get real about me and food.  We're going to be in a relationship for the rest of my life!   I don't want it to dominate my life.  I already feel highly conscious of just how much time it has taken up and there are so many other things in the world that deserve my attention.

BUT what I do understand is that maintenance is going to take practice.  I am an expert in being bigger!  I know how to put on weight VERY easily.  I also know, now, how to take it off fairly rapidly.  But it's a tortuous process and not a long-term solution.  A VLCD gets amazing results.  The real work starts when the VLCD stops.  And that's what I have yet to learn; how to maintain this loss.  I also want to lose some more weight, to be honest - at least another 10 lbs.  But the only way that is going to happen is with exercise.  And a super healthy diet.  Aha!