I am back home for the weekend - I am still doing the suitcase living thing - so 'home' doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like somewhere I visit, from time to time and, when I do, I have so much to do - garden, allotment, domestic chores, etc etc. But one thing is constant - the weighing scales.
Well, let me rephrase that, when I come home, to my own scales, I get a reality check. Whatever the other scales tell me, when I get back here, I really know what's going on ie I can't fool myself (hard as though I might try).
In six weeks, I have gained 9lbs. If I take my pre-surgery weight, it's 10lbs. That really is nearly a stone. Crikey! (It's history repeating itself, alright; Christmas 2007/2008 saw me gain the same amount and I cannot let it get so out of hand again.)
I wish I could say that I haven't seen it coming (the weight gain) but I have.
I wish I could say that it's because I've eaten out every single night and indulged my every whim. But I haven't.
I wish I could say that I have done absolutely no exercise to merit such a gain but I have (done some).
But here's what did happen:
I have eaten out a few times. Not many but enough, clearly, to make a difference. Last weekend we ate out twice, which is a rarity. A combination of a couple of courses with booze seem to be the tipping point. I may not indulge in the restaurant BUT I do find it hard to reign things back in afterwards - it really is as if my brain seems to say "now we have permission to eat what we like - off we go!".
I've started to 'reward' myself with food. The driving thing has proved to be a mixture of stress and hilarity. I did indeed ring up my friend Doodle (a long-term dieter and weight-holder!!) and say that I had 'sim' rage'. The simulator (pretend car) did bad things to my mind. The lovely staff recommended I take a chill pill (I am NOT joking) - not once, but twice in a two-hour session and maybe get some fresh air and a coffee. When I cannot do a certain exercise/manoeuvre - particularly anything involving clutch control (ie most manual driving!) - I don't find myself cheering myself on - quite the opposite. It's a litany of how rubbish I am, how I cannot drive - and who am I kidding? - and on and on and on. And on! So, I noticed that by the end of the week, the sessions were pre-empted with some food (just in case - you know, that old chestnut - I wonder, just in case what, exactly? I might break down in the fake car, on the fake hard shoulder?!). The sessions were punctuated by a visit to the cheap food van opposite or a nearby Starbucks - for tea and coffee only but then on Friday I bought a flapjack.
Eating too much - I cannot bring myself to write the words portion and control together in one sentence. It will do even worse things to my diet-resistant brain! Quite easily and unconsciously, I think my portions have been getting bigger again. I've noticed that I am eating the same amounts as my husband who is almost a foot taller than me and currently going to the gym at least four if not five times a week. I am not doing that level of exercise to burn off the plates of food.
Anyway, so as not to be 100% negative, here's what's been good or...a work in progress.
Exercise - now, I'll be absolutely honest. I am frightened of exercise. Errr, let me rephrase that. I am frightened about the effects of exercise. The 10K walk from a few weeks ago...well, it happened. (Lovely reader, Vanessa, gave me a recommendation for a book - which I will research and share - thank you!) But it wasn't a glorious walk in the countryside; it was an urban walk of terror! Lots of empty stretches with dodgy-looking men, making me feel very nervous. For 3/4 of the walk, I saw just one woman! Anyway, instead of thinking, never mind, I can find a different route, I didn't repeat the two-hour walk. Walking is good for me and good for my skin ie my skin does not completely freak out (due to the mastocytosis). But it takes a long time.
Running - I talk about running but never do it. I fantasise about running but never get out there. Yes, I really do like the idea... Anyway, last weekend, I finally, finally, finally went for a 30 minute walk-run-walk-run session...with my husband! I have been waiting for such a day for... years. If I told any of our friends, they would be massively shocked so I have to say I am very proud of my husband's commitment to exercise. He's not a natural athlete but he's stuck at it. We went out on both days - Saturday and Sunday - and while it was hard, it wasn't impossible. I monitored my skin and it wasn't great. Even my husband was alarmed BUT it wasn't as bad the second time AND it certainly wasn't as dramatic as it has been after running on a treadmill. After five minutes in a gym situation (running to my favourite Coldplay track!), I am literally burning up and my skin is sooooo itchy, I feel as if I need to tear my clothes off. It sounds comical but it really isn't.
There is a medical anxiety that I am living with at the moment. I can't pretend it's otherwise. There's also a great deal of uncertainty about our personal situation - my husband and I are still not living in our home, together, or, indeed, in one place together. We don't know where we will be in six months' time. Of course, lots of others are in the same situation in these credit crunch times. So, day to day, I work really hard at being positive but there is no doubt that these underlying uncertainties give me an excuse...to eat!
There is much work to be done on the practicalities of getting the weight back down (I am now officially back in the overweight zone) without resorting to abstinence. I also want to master the art of going out to dinner AND not going bonkers afterwards.
Anyway, I am not going to beat myself up (ha!) about this but some firm taking myself in hand strategies need to be applied! It's time for Dr Beck - not to read or listen to in an osmosis-fashion - but to commit pen to paper and do the exercises. I really cannot be all talk and no action. Speaking of which...it's time for a run! Ha ha.
My friend Doodle is doing the Moonwalk tonight, so I am wishing her lots of love and luck. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's a walking marathon (or half marathon if you can't face the 26.2 miles). It's in aid of breast cancer charities and it's a fantastic thing to do. So, for anyone doing charity events in the near future, GOOD LUCK.
Wishing everyone a gorgeous weekend - what has happened with the weather in the UK? My poor garden is battered. And as for the promised barbecue summer...
You can do it chuck! Stick to your guns and keep exercising. Try telling everyone, hubby included, that you're only going to have small portions then your chimp will assist you in sticking to your pledge.
Sorry I haven't got much time but I'm thinking of you.
Lesley x
Posted by: Lesley | May 16, 2009 at 04:19 PM