The Lard Arms

The Hell of Infertility

Regular readers of this blog know that the key motivator for me losing weight was to try to get pregnant. After several years of trying to conceive (the TTC acronym will be familiar to anyone who has ventured into the online world of trying to get knocked up), I felt I was in fertility's last chance saloon.  Aged 40 (when I started LighterLife), I had never been pregnant.  Aged 41 I got pregnant naturally and miscarried.  I now understand - 15 months later - what a miracle it was that I got pregnant in the first place.  Sadly, the stats say that my experience of miscarrying were the norm.  At that age, 50% of pregnancies fall at the first hurdle.

The road of infertility is a long and lonely one.  And for those out there who either don't want children or who conceived with relative ease, it's impossible to understand the emotional rollercoaster that eventually takes over and becomes a very destructive force in someone's life.  If you really go for it, you'll try anything and everything.  Acupuncture, Chinese Herbs, Hypnotherapy, Reflexology - not to mention all traditional and medically-invasive procedures - the tests, the results, the hormones.

One writer who has encapsulated the hell that is infertility is Imogen Edwards-Jones.  She's better known for her fiction (Hotel Babylon to name but one) but she wrote a series of columns in The Daily Telegraph a few years ago.  She also wrote a fantastic book, based on the columns.  And, ultimately, her story had a happy ending - she had a daughter but her pregnancy was an anxiety-laden nine months.

Well, now she is pregnant again and I happened to find this article, which describes the experience.  It just gives a sense of what a hideous thing thing infertility (or secondary infertility) is.  And it was this sentence that reflects how painful and awkward social situations can be:

Not that I hadn't thought or even fantasised about having another baby. I had. Often. But I had just kept very quiet about it, batting away questions at children's parties when nosy acquaintances would ask: “D'you want to have another?” the way they do when they run out of conversation after discussing mortgages and schools.

To which I always lied: “Oh no, I am happy with one.” Before giving my best stiff smile and getting a stiff drink.

I was recently at a birthday party and was asked whether I had any children.  One thing led to another and I mentioned I had had a miscarriage.  Before I knew it, there were tears in my eyes and I had to excuse myself.  I still can't really talk about it - although really, what is there to say?  - but the further away it is (in terms of time) the harder it seems to bear.  Maybe because I'm not 20-something or even 30-something anymore.  Maybe it's not so much what I lost but more what statistics tell me I probably won't have ever have.

OK...so where was I?

£35 tent from Millets.  Not bad... and home for five days

Hello, hello, hello.  I'm back in the blogosphere - not that I ever really left but I certainly couldn't print what I wanted to say.   And when I looked at the posts that I drafted, I simply despaired.

But no matter because my dear friend, Lesley, has been busy blogging words of wisdom and providing much food for thought (no, no, no - that's definitely the wrong description).  But you know what I mean!  If I were American, I'd be saying her prose kicks ass right now!  Not least, her latest words on The Fog.

And all the other bloggers, who are keeping on, keeping on - especially Peridot with all her cycling in London.  After my brief foray into getting across the capital on two wheels, I am just in awe (and still terrified for her).

It's been a really weird time.  I wish I could say food took a backseat and I'm maintaining my weight loss. Not so.  There's been a lot of comfort eating - far too much.  And here's the one thing I really notice, if you let it slide, it's just so much harder to get back on the wagon.  A few days of comfort eating do not make you put on the weight you lost.  But, unchecked, the pounds do come back.  With avengence.

I tried NOT blogging, too, in the hope that this might quieten the food craziness.  Because, I'm being totally honest here, if someone is doing brilliantly when I am really struggling, sometimes my thoughts are not positive ones!  In fact, I tried avoiding the weight loss scene for a while and read other blogs. About different people and their lives.  And I came to the conclusion that that was part of the denial.  Apart from thinking, oh my goodness, I cannot relate to their lives in any shape or form, I also realised that the food stuff is part of me and I really connect with people going through the same thing.  End of.  It doesn't have to be my whole life but...it's part of me.  There will be an eternal struggle with food.  Sometimes it will be a hardcore battle.  Sometimes, I might not even notice.  But the moment I kid myself into thinking that it's going to require anything but constant vigilance, it's game over and I'll just go back to being seriously obese and hating myself every single moment of every single day.

One of the other reasons for not blogging was the fact that my husband was reading it so when I "confessed" to eating things that were clearly doing me no good, he was using it as ammunition.  Or perhaps I should say he was trying to be my conscience and believe me, I did not welcome the words of wisdom coming my way.  The chocolate breakfast I had before my driving theory test came back to haunt me.  So it's a tough call; I like being honest in this blog.  It was and still is really important for me to say it as it is.  But once the people you know and love know where you are in cyberspace, it becomes trickier.  I also regret giving the blog details to a couple of people whom I am no longer in contact with and wish that I could keep the two parts of my life separate.  But real life isn't like that either!  

Anyway, anyway, anyway - here's the thing.  I also realise I need accountability and the blog alone is not enough.  I cannot get to my LighterLife Counsellor's meetings at the moment. I am so rarely in London (medical appointments aside) and logging my weight (which I still do) isn't enough either.  I need something else to keep me focused,particularly as my nomadic existence is going to continue.  I don't know what it is.  I am sure I will find it.

In the meantime, I am off to Glastonbury.  Yep!  For those who know me, this is a gobsmacking announcement.  I have never been camping in my life (I am a city girl, after all!) and while I was happy to let the scales slide to 17 stone (or thereabouts), I always washed my hair!  Everyday - unless gripped by depression.  I also drink tea as if it's my last day on earth.  Morning, noon and night.  That's how I function!  But we have been advised to take no cooking stuff, whatsoever.  So, Glastonbury will either prove to be a life-changing success or the mother of all meltdowns. With rain forecast for Saturday, it's anybody's guess.

One thing I do know is that I find myself wishing I was slimmer. And that depresses me - it really does. Even for a camping trip, I have wardrobe anxiety.  Sigh, sigh, sigh.

'Real Life' On Hold

The nomadic existence continues and continues to take its toll.

I realise some people really thrive on being in different places at different times - have suitcase, can travel - while I, however much I fantasise about my dream life, most definitely do not.

It takes me a long time to get settled and into a new routine and routine is the absolute cornerstone of weight loss and weight maintenance.  Well, it is for me.

So no long-term routine = no weight loss/weight maintenance out of the window ie weight gain!

There are lots of things going on right now that I just can't blog about - too painful to be honest.  BUT I am still reading everyone's updates and remain amazed and impressed from afar!

Keep going and thanks for lovely messages of support.

Numbers, numbers, numbers

Apologies for the absence.  This is due to:

a) TypePad problems - I could not login for love nor money for ages!

b) I wrote several new posts but couldn't publish them - they didn't feel right - I think I have bored myself with my current regime (lost weight, put on weight, lost weight again, put on weight again) and my current health situation means I cannot live in a gym or do vigorous exercise, even though I want to.  Can you believe I want to go running??

c) I just haven't felt like I am in the groove - the groove where I need to be!!!  

Anyway, in the meantime, the numbers are still chasing me!  I got an email from Weight Watchers telling me about 17 Things To Do Instead of Overeating

I think it tells you everything you need to know when I say that it just irritated me!  

Then my friend Porkchop recommended a BBC programme (via Nigella's website - YES, domestic goddess Nigella famed for her cakes (definitely not of the rice variety)!

The BBC programme is called 10 Things You Need to Know About Losing Weight

Now it's only available on iPlayer (sorry, non-UK readers) for two more days BUT you can download it and watch it later ie you don't need to be wired to the internet to see it.  BUT be warned, I am downloading it in a free wifi cafe and it is taking hours - literally.  Not good.  But the programme is, apparently.

So, I hope everyone is well.  I'll get back into the weight loss/maintenance world soon enough, I'm sure.

Enjoy the gorgeous sunshine; I have to avoid it now (sigh, sigh, sigh) but it's still beyond welcome!!!  And I feel so happy looking at a cloudless blue sky.