...has replaced the gluttony of fear.
Yes, I have had a week-long foray into eating what the hell I wanted. Can you hear the rebellious tone in that sentence?
Ironically, on the day itself - the day I lost my dog - I couldn't eat and my husband had to remind me. When we came back from the pet crem, I was so tired, I didn't know what to do with myself. I had slept in the car on the way home. What I should have done was go straight to bed. What I did, instead, was stay up, eat food I didn't really want and drink to suppress the tsunami of grief that was threatening to break over me...at any moment.
Monday crept into Tuesday and the hours and minutes were punctuated by snacking, snacking, snacking. Anything to numb the pain. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone because that would make it real. So I 'spoke' only virtually, which left even more time to eat. And drink. Tuesday swayed into Wednesday and by Thursday I was just existing and suppressing anything that was stopping time marching forward.
I am usually so careful about my alcohol consumption but my brain has just decided to say f*ck it, anytime my conscience decides to voice concern.
On Saturday, I went to a wedding. It was informal, with friends but still I found myself craving a drink. To stop me feeling those feelings. Bad, bad, bad.
So, yet again, another year has become another year of extremes - no real food for months and then gluttony unchecked until my poor body is bursting at the seams. Literally.
The whole point of me doing all the head work was to prevent situations like this, where eating is masking all sorts of other things. If I am busy eating, in my spare moments, I don't have to think. And dwell. I can just distract myself endlessly.
I am hoping this week will give me some much needed time to put some space between me and food. Doesn't it sound like a relationship gone wrong? Well, in truth, it is.
Imagine the worst boyfriend/relationship that you can ever have - one that is soooo bad for you that even one sighting of him can set you back months. Well, that's exactly what has happened to me. Once given some flexibility, my willpower just runs wild.
Right now, I don't know which is worse; the physical sensation of having pushed so much food into my system that it can't take any more or the fact that I really do have the no dog/no baby blues. Hmmm. It's a tough call.
Aaaaah sweetie. But you're talking about it and recognising it and it was only a week, not necessarily the months you mention! I know it's got to be hard just try to achieve tiny things, small sucesses like one healthy breakfast, one avoided temptation at a time and REALLY congratulate yourself when you achieve those small things. It WILL get easier and, believe me, all the work you have done has NOT been wasted.
Massive hugs.
Lesley x
Posted by: Lesley | July 07, 2009 at 08:23 AM
Oh Mrs, I've just got back and checked in with you - I'm so, so sorry that you're going through such a hard time and especially sorry about the loss of your lovely lab. Thinking of you.
lots of love
Peridot x
Posted by: Peridot | July 07, 2009 at 10:23 AM
I am so sorry for the grief you are dealing with, both the loss of your dog and the infertility issues. Thank you so much for the email response. It was nice to see that you had sent me a message back. I think it is great that you are talking about it on your blog. I think it will be good therapy to get it out. I sometimes tell my hubby that you don't have to listen to me but I have to get all the feelings and emotions out of me with or without you being present. Do you know what I mean? I am sending you hugs!!
Posted by: Candee Rose | July 08, 2009 at 03:03 AM