Two years ago I was quite obsessed with my diet and my blog. I wrote reams and reams each and every day - on the blog, on a forum - and processed whatever was going on as I went cold turkey with food ie I stopped eating conventional food because I was following a VLCD (very low calorie diet).
The VLCD that I chose to follow (LighterLife) included weekly sessions focusing on CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), TA (transactional analysis) and other tools to help us deal with food in a healthier way ie change our relationship with food for the better. In other words, see food as food and nothing else - not as a mood enhancer, a distraction, a treat or reward or, particularly for me, as an escape.
The LighterLife programme (and no, this isn't a promotional push for it - just an explanation) has distinct stages (Foundation - 100 days/14 weeks), Development (if you haven't reached your ideal weight, you continue with this part of the programme) and Route to Management (where conventional foods are introduced slowly over 12 weeks). It's highly structured and, IF you follow the directions, it usually works.
During Foundation any food chat is absolutely forbidden. This is because an off-the-cuff remark about a particular food may set someone off. Remember, if you are abstaining from all food, at certain times there are triggers galore and fantasies around eating again once you have finished. It's the same if you do a hard-core detox. Food develops cult status in your mind.
So, when I attended my group sessions, there was no sharing of when/where/how any of us had deviated from the plan. I respected that and think it makes sense. I did, however, use the blog to plot my progress and decided to be 100% honest otherwise it wouldn't be worth doing.
As the programme progressed and I lost weight, I started breaking the rules. The triggers were many-fold but, in many instances, any eating was done alone. In secret (secret until I confessed, of course). Was I looking for absolution in the same way I would from going to confession? Possibly.
I've noticed from the widget on the blog that 'secret eating' or 'eating in secret' seems to be a popular search.
If you are an emotional or compulsive eater (and prone to bingeing), chances are much of the extra calories are consumed when you are... alone ie when no one else can see you. It's a solitary activity. Solitary and soul destroying - I know, I've been there. Much of it is to do with shame, particularly if you are already bigger than you want to be (I am loathed to use the words 'should be'). But also I think there is a part of us that is not ready to admit there's a problem.
Once you sign up to a programme like LighterLife (which sees food as an addiction), you are certainly acknowledging that something ain't right and you want to fix it.
I went back to my group very recently because I felt my relationship with food was far too wonky and out of control. And I happened to be in the vicinity after months of being away. The scales are one indication ie they are going in the wrong direction. And my general lack of willpower/resolve/control was another. One of the comments made by my LighterLife Counsellor during the group session was the fact that we eat in secret but we can solve the problems with others, by being honest and by sharing. It struck me as a really, really important point. And it's true.
I would never consume the volumes of food that I have done alone, in front of other people. Yes, I might demonstrate greed and have seconds and pudding and a starter, consume lots of alcohol and generally eat too much in a visible way but it's a very different thing to the intensity of yearning for a particular food to be enjoyed/stuffed down privately or individually.
Ironically, on my way to group, I was really, really conscious of eating in that (secret) way. I wasn't hungry. In fact, I was extremely apprehensive about going to group - not because anyone would judge me but because I knew I couldn't ignore my behaviour for much longer. It wasn't quite a last supper (been there, done that far too many times!) but it was a very crooked salute to the destructive patterns of behaviour of old, if that makes sense. As I sat on the station platform, waiting for my train, eating a cheese sandwich and a packet of crisps, I felt quite ashamed. This was furtive behaviour. What if someone I knew saw me? Would I be embarrassed? OF COURSE, I would. It didn't help that train stations are a particularly strong trigger for me.
If and when we eat in secret, it is rarely about the food. It's rarely about greed. It's usually about emotions that we just can't deal with at that moment. So eating (alone) provides the perfect (or so we have conditioned ourselves to think that way) antidote. And escape.
If you find yourself eating in that way - hoping that you won't be seen - chances are it's not going to solve any problems. Just like a relationship that you know is bad and conducted away from prying eyes - someone will always get hurt in the end.
There have been a lot of changes for me this year and from late June onwards, food really became my number one coping strategy. And yes, there were episodes of secret eating. Not good. Not healthy. And certainly not helping me deal with what was going on. Obviously, my doggy's death was a massive trigger (and excuse) to drown my sorrows.
If you are reading this because you are doing the same, the only thing I can say is that it really isn't about the food, however much you may think it is. So you really need to find out what's driving you to do it. And one thing is for sure, if you can do that, food really won't seem like the answer you're looking for. All I need to do is follow my own advice...
Good luck.
Escapism of any kind is so seductive when we're feeling low. Especially if you can't easily do the exercise stuff. As I say to most things now, it's your chimp scared she can't deal with it and hiding. But YOU know you can deal with and the more you do face up and don't take the escape option, the more you become that person - the one who deals with things without escapism. And the easier it gets.
Habits habits habits. Good or bad, they're so important.
Good luck chuck - YOU're so strong - tell that chimp of yours to shut the F up and get out of your way!!!
Lesley x
Posted by: Lesley | August 25, 2009 at 06:41 PM