The Lard Arms

Random Number Generator

 

Over at Dietgirl's blog (hell, I've even forgotten how to do links!), she's celebrating 10 years - yes, T-E-N years of blogging and (in my opinion) just general overall fabulousness.  I love DG's writing; always have, always will. 

Anyway, anyway, DG's very generous giveaway includes the winners being chosen by a random number generator.  And that is exactly what my weight is doing right now.  I get on the scales - every single day - and wonder which number will be generated.  Random it certainly is.  I have worked really hard to lose the scales-determine-my-mood thought process and just try to log the number and take the information.  For information's sake.  Sometimes I don't write down the number but I always mentally log it.  I'll be honest, when it was going up and up, I saw it but did not have the oomph to say stop.  I couldn't take myself in hand. I've also noticed that a 'light' day of eating is not necessarily followed by a lighter encounter with the scales. It's more that my body is a week behind.  It's only when I use VLCD products that I notice a big difference.  

Today it's almost 2lbs down on yesterday.  But yesterday's eating was chaotic; three diet shakes and 3 pieces of toast.  That's screwed up eating, if ever I saw it. But I just tried to eat when I was hungry and I was really, really busy.  And it followed a weekend of...toast.

And I am still not doing any exercise....Hmm.  Must try harder!

"I forgot to put myself on the list"

So, the Oprah love affair continues!  I don't get to see it very often now and Diva TV runs the same show about 20 times, or so it seems.  Anyway, during a recent episode featuring an overweight guest, this phrase (see above) came up.  This, they said, was part of the reason they had...gained some extra pounds.  Oprah agreed wholeheartedly.

Now, I take great heart from Oprah; she is the most powerful and most wealthy woman on the planet.  And she's still struggling.  And, she says, it was because she too forgot to put herself on the list.

Hmm. I don't know what to make of this.  What does putting yourself on the list work?  What does it mean? And why are we all struggling with this one?

I'm curious.  What would it look like?  And what do you think?

 

PS So lovely to see some more friendly faces again.  Hello!

What a shame...

 

No, don't worry, this post is not based on the lyrics from the recent Take That song.  It's about shame and wondering how to deal with it in the 'real' world.

Today, I got given a bag of 'fat' clothes from a friend, including...and wait for it, some of my old clothes from 2007, when I lost almost (the two pounds still rankle) five stone (two pounds shy of five stone).  I had given them to her, she's now lost a couple of stones and so they've come back to me.  I really do think there is a wisdom in getting rid of all your bigger clothes when you get smaller because I made the fatal error of hanging onto my LighterLife Day 1 photo outfit (well, the top, anyway).  I liked the top and ended up wearing it as a dress but I really should have said adios, amigo.

And so here's the deal.  I am a lot better than when last writing this blog, more chipper, more...upbeat.  But the weight thing really is an issue.  And  a shameful one at that.

At the moment, every single day, I find myself wishing I didn't have to go to work because I am so much bigger.  It didn't help that the wardrobe was severely limited, either.  The bag'o'clothes will make a huge difference because at least I will now have something to wear.  Phew!

But the shame remains and I have noticed that the avoidance thing is happening once again; I am deliberately avoiding seeing some friends because I feel ashamed about being bigger than I was.  Losing weight was so all-encompassing, it really was.  It definitely was a big deal but somehow I think I made it into an even bigger one, which is why the feelings (of shame) are so much harder to deal with.

It's strange; I was determined to make this blog more upbeat, more lighthearted and less...well, for want of a better word,  heavy.  But here I am, two posts in, and back to the big stuff.  But shame is a big deal.  It really is.  It has held me back on so many occasions.  In the past, I let the shame stop me in my tracks.  Now, I am biting my lip and doing things in spite of the shame, if that makes sense.  I am, after all, going to work everyday. 

The opposite of shame is possibly self-acceptance.  In the past, before THE weight loss, I definitely did not accept myself at all.  And when I lost the weight, I'm not sure I did either but I seem to remember feeling better about myself...but utterly crushed if that was not reflected back by my nearest and dearest.  The weight loss stakes felt very high at times, particularly in my marriage.

Now, I just want to get back to being smaller so that I can feel good in my own skin.  I find myself looking back wistfully at the dieting period when I used to run around, cycle everywhere and generally have so much more energy.  

I must say it's very hard (but not impossible) not to think about that time, without the voice of chastisement going on in my head.  Hmmm.

So, what do you think?  How do you deal with shame?  Is it even an issue for you?

PS It's now week 2 of back-to-blogging and still no comments (from me) elsewhere.  It will happen, it definitely will but in the meantime, it's so lovely to see some familar (and much treasured) names in the comments bar.

Celebrity? Slim?

Well, that was a lovely surprise; I log on to blog and I find some lovely comments! THANK YOU!  They really cheered me up.  It's been a long day....

So...today's topic was going to be all about budgeting and dieting (oh yes) but I decided to save that for another day and talk about Celebrity Slim.  Do you know this diet?  I guess it's a variation on Slim Fast, etc. To be honest, I saw the name AGES ago and thought it was...well, a bit silly.  But then, guess what?  I met someone who has lost a lot of weight with this regime and it really was working for her.  So, lovely readers, I purchased some packets.  All in the name of research, of course.

Taste-wise, they're not so great but then taste is subjective.  After LighterLife, they feel decidedly 'thin' and leave an oily aftertaste.  But, here's the upside, no blender required.  So you could be very discreetly mixing up some shakes/soups, whatever, and having a meal replacement.  They're not cheap but then compared with the price of a sandwich, it's more or less the same.  

Funnily enough, a shake for breakfast really works for me, particularly when I am going to work.  I am always running late so need something quick.  Toast is just too tempting (I was going to write dangerous but that would be implying that toast had a hold over me...perish the thought!).  One slice is never enough.  Or two...well, you know that feeling.  Porridge, however much I absolutely love it, just leaves me wanting to eat more and more and more.  I really don't know why this is.  And I've tried lots of variations and the result is always the same.  

Ultimately, I've only tried three flavours of Celebrity Slim but I may try some others, if I think it's worth it. Funnily enough, I have never had a Slim Fast.  Perhaps I should give that a go, too?  The massive upside is that these are all available on the high street.

But just in case you thought my halo was getting way too shiny, supper tonight was some cheese, some Christmas chutney and...some carrots.  And I ate it all...standing up, while preparing Mr Lard's supper.

Oh dear.

Another New Year? Already?

Hello.  Anybody there?  Well, in case you are, Happy New Year.

So...the no-blogging thing didn't work.  Imagine!  Staying away from all the fat chat did not make me thin. When I wrote the last post, I was in a very dark place. I really was.  And I just couldn't face writing about the slog - and that's what it felt like, the slog of losing weight, trying not to get bigger, blah, blah, blah.

And I was abs0lutely consumed with grief.  No two ways about it.

So...what happened to the waistband?  Because that's what you really want to know.  Well, it got bigger.  A lot bigger.  WTF.  How did that happen?  I so wish I could say it was because I got pregnant.  But I didn't. And I didn't get another doggy, either, to get me walking.  (But I'm working on it.)

Instead, I basically stopped making any attempt to lose weight.  I swtiched off, zoned out and moaned about it, from time to time.  There were lots of half hearted flurries of activity - going back on VLCD-type regimes, shakes for breakfast, lunch and...well, you know the drill.  Or I'd just constantly graze and pay zero attention (well, not quite zero - the voice of the food police in the head never goes away) to calories, fat content, etc.  

And then very, very recently, I read an interview - I think but I cannot find it anywhere - with a supermarket CEO.  And there was a throwaway comment about how saying no to one biscuit was saying no to a-not -insignificant weight gain ie just an extra (not planned for) biscuit a day leads to something insane like 10lbs a year.  Just for one biscuit.  I was surprised by two things - a) the level of detail that the supermarket big cheese could recite - he totally had the information nailed and b) the complete acknowledgement that sometimes you just have to say no.  Even if you're mega successful.

Aha!

So with me feeling very much like a Christmas bauble after a lot of festive feasting, not unlike the one above (!), I felt compelled to get back to blogging.  Do I have a grand plan to slim down? No. Not. Yet.  

Do I think I will have to...shock, horror...diet?  Probably.  Even though, I really, really, really don't want to.

Part of me really wants to live the Geneen (Roth) way  - the way of no diet!  But only when...yep, you guessed it, I'm smaller.  

Anyway, this wouldn't be The Lard Arms if I didn't recommend something to do, read, watch or listen to. So, whatever your plans for 2011, whatever your resolutions - hey, even if you don't have any and that's a deliberate decision, I really can recommend Women, Food and God. (I will find a link tomorrow for it.)

Blogging, I am hoping, is going to be like getting back on the bike again.  There will be lots of wobbling along, maybe a crash or two but let's see what happens. I've been away so long, I've even forgotten how to compose a post. Where are all the shortcuts and instructions? This has taken me far too long; in the old days, I could have rattled this off in five mins.  And then have time for exercise...of course! Or some other lard-busting activity. Well, in theory.  Instead, while getting this 'out there' I've had a cup of tea and a handful of peanuts. Dry roasted if you're interested.

So...Happy New Year.  Who knows what 2011 holds for us all?

PS A massive, massive thank you to all of you who kept coming back to check if I was ok/still here/still writing.  Sorry it's taken me so long to get back in the saddle...