No, don't worry, this post is not based on the lyrics from the recent Take That song. It's about shame and wondering how to deal with it in the 'real' world.
Today, I got given a bag of 'fat' clothes from a friend, including...and wait for it, some of my old clothes from 2007, when I lost almost (the two pounds still rankle) five stone (two pounds shy of five stone). I had given them to her, she's now lost a couple of stones and so they've come back to me. I really do think there is a wisdom in getting rid of all your bigger clothes when you get smaller because I made the fatal error of hanging onto my LighterLife Day 1 photo outfit (well, the top, anyway). I liked the top and ended up wearing it as a dress but I really should have said adios, amigo.
And so here's the deal. I am a lot better than when last writing this blog, more chipper, more...upbeat. But the weight thing really is an issue. And a shameful one at that.
At the moment, every single day, I find myself wishing I didn't have to go to work because I am so much bigger. It didn't help that the wardrobe was severely limited, either. The bag'o'clothes will make a huge difference because at least I will now have something to wear. Phew!
But the shame remains and I have noticed that the avoidance thing is happening once again; I am deliberately avoiding seeing some friends because I feel ashamed about being bigger than I was. Losing weight was so all-encompassing, it really was. It definitely was a big deal but somehow I think I made it into an even bigger one, which is why the feelings (of shame) are so much harder to deal with.
It's strange; I was determined to make this blog more upbeat, more lighthearted and less...well, for want of a better word, heavy. But here I am, two posts in, and back to the big stuff. But shame is a big deal. It really is. It has held me back on so many occasions. In the past, I let the shame stop me in my tracks. Now, I am biting my lip and doing things in spite of the shame, if that makes sense. I am, after all, going to work everyday.
The opposite of shame is possibly self-acceptance. In the past, before THE weight loss, I definitely did not accept myself at all. And when I lost the weight, I'm not sure I did either but I seem to remember feeling better about myself...but utterly crushed if that was not reflected back by my nearest and dearest. The weight loss stakes felt very high at times, particularly in my marriage.
Now, I just want to get back to being smaller so that I can feel good in my own skin. I find myself looking back wistfully at the dieting period when I used to run around, cycle everywhere and generally have so much more energy.
I must say it's very hard (but not impossible) not to think about that time, without the voice of chastisement going on in my head. Hmmm.
So, what do you think? How do you deal with shame? Is it even an issue for you?
PS It's now week 2 of back-to-blogging and still no comments (from me) elsewhere. It will happen, it definitely will but in the meantime, it's so lovely to see some familar (and much treasured) names in the comments bar.
I can totally emphasise with your feelings if shame over the weightloss/weightgain. I’m exactly the same. I lost three and a half stone with Lighterlife, felt fabulous but eventually all the weight (+ some) came back on. I avoided going out and seeing the people I had when I had been thin. In the end I bit the bullet and started to see people again. I found that people were less judgemental and far more accepting of me than I was of myself.
xxx
Posted by: Fionna | January 10, 2011 at 10:37 AM
Dear Mrs, I am dealing with the shame right now and not wanting to go to a wedding next week of friends I have not seen in a long while. It is really, really hard to not let it get the better of you. I wish I had the answer!
Right now I am just making the most of what I've got, making sure I put on my makeup and have clean clothes even if they are a bloody 18 or holy f*ck, a 20. All you can do is teeny, wee positive things for yourself and let the momentum slowly rebuild. I can't focus on Weight Loss as a mission, it's just a Treating Myself Better mission. That does in involve paying more attention to what I'm eating but it's not dieting. I've spent so long punishing myself about one thing or another that kindness has to come first. That's slowly leading to healthier decisions...
Wishing you lots and lots of good wishes and support.
Posted by: shauna | January 10, 2011 at 12:37 PM
Hi there Mrs. Good to see you back. The weight shame...well I suppose I deal with it by really concentrating on losing the weight again. Over Christmas I put weight on and really found it uncomfortable - unlike when I was truly big.
I do think people can be judgemental but I tend to think 'F-You I'm doing bloody well considering!'
Posted by: Claire | January 10, 2011 at 01:03 PM