The Lard Arms

Flower Power

While I have been away, my garden has been growing!  Since I have been at home, recovering, I've been able to enjoy some of the flowers...

Amongst the daffodils is one red tulip, which turned out like this (below).  Isn't it gorgeous?

The magnolia tree...

And close up...

Rethink, Reframe, Refresh...Start Over

Hmmm.  I went back to see my consultant yesterday.  It was a rollercoaster appointment - some surprises (good), some surprises (bad and worse than I thought) and I came out reeling.

I didn't want to eat (I think the shock was more profound than I realised) but I did want something.  So I ordered my first Starbucks Frappuccino Coffee Light (double blended!) of the year.  I am really wary of this drink as I got seriously addicted to them during Abstinence 1 in 2007.

If I'm honest, it was a massive disappointment but I still consumed the whole lot!  I ordered the biggest size - it really is an ice cream/milkshake hybrid, coffee-flavoured, obviously!

Anyway, the health problems are...Mastocytosis-related.  Without a doubt.  Everything else has been ruled out.  It would also explain my post-operative problems.

There is only one specialist in the UK for this condition.  I've already seen him.  At the time, it was thought that there was nothing I could do apart from avoid hardcore exercise, spicy food and booze and carry an epi-pen at all times.  His advice to me was "live your life".

I've been going down another (and it turns out, wrong) path altogether, focusing on my reproductive health and thinking it was the root of all the problems.  Not so.  It's the Mastocytosis!

Soooo, now it's time to really get on top of this condition - understand it, work with it and make my health a tip-top priority.  It's such a cliche but health is so often taken for granted.  Being laid up for a few days has made me realise (again!) just how lucky we are when our health is functioning.

I've signed up to a forum so that I can find out how other people are managing.  Here's a taster of what I will need to be doing in the coming months:

Since no Dr can be with you 24/7 you are going to have to be your own best detective. This brings me to the not so popular but very necessary diary. Try keeping a diary of everything you do, touch and eat for at least three months. ...this tool can help you eliminate the possibilities which are endless.

Blimey!

Anyway, this is just a giant jigsaw puzzle and I need to find the pieces and put them together.  I also really need to get to grips with the language of science.  And medicine.  It is a language all of its own.

I am absolutely wiped out - mentally, physically and emotionally - but determined to sort this out. Somehow.

The surgery (pre-op and post-op), the weight-loss, the numbers and abstinence

Well, I know everyone appreciates some context every now and then...so here's mine.

I started the year at well over 13 stone 7lbs - I stopped looking after I hit that weight because it was so close to my starting weight in 2007 of 14 stone 8lbs.  I just could not believe (well, I knew it really but knowing and acknowledging and getting some accountability on the matter are something else!) that I had gone through a VLCD rollercoaster only to then gain so much back.

I'll be honest, just as I went into LighterLife the first time, I didn't really believe that I could do it all over again. I didn't have that core belief about myself.

But, as the mantra goes, if you can repeat failure, you can repeat success!  OK!

So, after messing around in early January, I finally committed to abstinence, good and proper sometime in the New Year.  I had no goal (BAD idea) because I had no faith.  What I did know was that I, somehow, wanted to shift the +3 stone I gained in 2008.

Fast forward to early April 2009 and I stood on the scales at home, on the day of my operation, at 11 stone 2lbs.  I really really really wanted to be 11 stone for the surgery but it got brought forward and I realised that there was nothing I could do.  Happily, I lost half a pound on the journey in!  Ha ha.  

So, almost three months of abstinence (with some off-piste episodes but no bingeing) gave me a weight loss of two and a half stone, more or less.  That's slower than last time.  

In the past week, I stayed abstinent (ie no conventional food and certainly no alcohol) right until the moment they admitted me.  I was terrified that I would come out of ketosis and then b*gger up the recovery.

I had planned to take packs with me for after the operation.  But I left them at home.  Who can say whether it was deliberate or not?!

Immediately, post-op, recovery was slow. I was last to leave the wake-up area.  I had pethadine, which knocked me out and they got me back upstairs for about midday.  I was fine - drifting in and out - but then was sick (even though I had had two strong anti-sickness things in the anaesthetic).  

I was not allowed home until certain things could be ticked off a list.  I drank A LOT of water.  So then I thought that maybe eating would make me feel 'better'.  Surely, surely, surely I know that soooo isn't true anymore?!

I had a tiny bit of chicken - literally, about two prawns' worth (in size), chicken 'consomme' (which so wasn't) lots of water, mint tea, normal tea.  A plain yoghurt.  It sounds a lot really for someone straight out of abstinence.  I wasn't going to have any ice cream (because of the sugar thing) but I was feeling so lousy towards the end that I asked for some.  This was after saying no to cake, sandwiches....

I wanted to soothe my sore throat, get some energy and well, be cheered up!

I had the equivalent of two tablespoons of ice cream and left the rest.  Then I was sick all over again and had to have an anti-sickness jab.  As well as being washed down by the nurse.  Again. Nice!

I left hospital, in pain, but determined to lay off the food.

Post-op, I was looking for a BIG weight loss.  Why?  Who knows!  But that is the crooked thinking of the woman with weight issues!   I didn't lose one ounce.  

So, on Friday (day after surgery) I want to get straight back on packs and felt really positive about being in abstinence again.  I sailed through.  100% (apart from milk in my tea).  Tick, tick, tick.

By Saturday, I was fed up.  Anaesthetic and post-operative complications are not a happy combination. My husband came home and I then had small bits of food - a tiny bit of bread and butter, some pitta and humous.  Nothing terrible but...I'm supposed to be in abstinence.  Another day of zero weight loss, I have to be honest, did not help.  My mind was in overdrive thinking...but I have had so little in my system!

Against all of this, I have been setting myself daily goals.  On the day of surgery itself, getting home was a major achievement.  I had to psyche myself up for the journey.

Friday's goal was to sit in a chair.  Saturday's was a shower. Sunday's was a walk outside, which I did. Today's goal is a walk - further afield.  Tomrrow - Tuesday - is stitches out, follow-up consultation, another long car journey and hopefully finding out what can help me sort out my health issues!  And abstinence. Definite abstinence with NO messing about!

I am still 11 stone 2lbs.  Nothing has changed in four days.

The Impatient Patient

The impatient patient is home!  Recovery is much slower than I anticipated - mainly from the side-effects of the surgery.

I don't think abstinence has helped matters, either, to be honest.  My poor system doesn't know what has hit it.

Normal service will resume shortly.  In the meantime, thanks for lovely messages, which were really appreciated! xxx

Horticultural Therapy

Just a quick post to apologise for not being around.  And blogging.  And commenting.

Today has been a very long day - pre-op' nerves - but we are all at home - well, everyone except my husband!  It is soooo strange to be here.  But it is soooo lovely to have my hound with me. It really is.  I decided that I needed something 'to do' today, to distract me.  It was gorgeously sunny so I opted to tackle the weeds and overgrown lawn.  It was the perfect antidote to the anxiety, which was... all-encompassing.

I wish I could describe to you just how much I want to eat.  The urge has been with me since Monday.  But since I am staying in ketosis, I cannot blow the diet now.  I absolutely cannot.  (For the LighterLifers amongst you, I had one extra pack.  I think it was probably 70% a comfort eating thing.)  Anyway, nothing after midnight so this is it.

So, hopefully, like Arnie, "I'll be back" - by Friday.  In bed and ready to write, read and catch up.

Wish me luck.  It's an early start.  I'll be leaving home at 5.30am, with some dog walking thrown in beforehand!  

Retreat

Well, that's quite enough moaning for one week!

Today I am retreating from the world - well. that's what it feels like - for a totally abstinent weekend.  Of course, in abstinence, ALL weekends are supposed to be totally abstinent but life being what it is, you might find yourself having a mouthful of this or that.  Shocking, I know!

Anyway, I am having a girly weekend with three fellow weight-loss chums and we are all in abstinence. It's going to be totally surreal but in a good way, obviously.  No explaining why I won't be eating this or not drinking that. And I guess we won't be doing mealtimes, either?  In abstinence, everyone finds their rhythm.

So, in many ways, this really is the ultimate retreat.  And it's come at the perfect time.  My surgery has been brought forward.  It's next week.  To say that I am scared is an understatement.  As my husband reminded the consultant, I could go into anaphylactic shock on the table (ie under anaesthetic) due to the Mastocytosis.  (Note to self, I really must find out about how they manage in China where people have MAJOR operations without anaesthesia.)  Anyway, fear aside, I hope we can get to the root of the pain.   That is the main thing.

My mother is coming to look after me, post-op' as my husband is away and she's bringing the dogs so it will be like an animal and human sanatorium!

The scales have inched down a pound.  It's funny, sometimes I'd be overjoyed with a pound's loss.  Today is not one of those days.  At this rate, I won't be at the BMI 25 for next week but I am going to review the situation on Monday.  Well, actually, there is nothing I can do.  Apart from stick to the diet. Obviously. After discussions with everyone (ie consultant, LL Counsellor, etc) , I am staying in a ketogenic state for the surgery.  

Once the operation is done and dusted and I have recovered (totally visualising waking up and feeling great!! ha ha), there are going to be some life-long changes happening.  The main one is exercise.  I won't count how many times I have said on this blog, "I really must get on top of the exercise thing" and then it doesn't happen.  This has been going on for more than two years now.  I've been giving myself a hard time about not exercising much this year BUT I suddenly remembered that in Abstinence 1 (Feb' 2007 onwards) I didn't do anything other than walking until June. And the exercise was enforced as we moved to the top of a hill.  So that's when I started cycling and, ultimately, running.  And I was a stone lighter than I am now.

Anyway, anyway, anyway - I found some blogs and forums of people with the same condition with me. And they are exercising.  They are managing their condition and keeping fit.  This was a significant breakthrough for me because I've been afraid about exercising too much (honestly, I have) AND, hands up, used it as an excuse as well.

Last time I had an operation, I was training to do the Moonwalk.  I remember being really worried about recovery time but in no time at all, I was back, on my feet, walking the walk.  

So, post-op', will bring a new determination (from somewhere - not sure where - but somewhere!).

In the meantime, I wish everyone a happy and healthy weekend - enjoy whatever you are doing and as Lesley says, "let your eyes do the indulging".  Wise words, indeed!

When is enough, enough?

Believe me, there's nothing like chronic pain to put someone in a bad, bad mood.  Or should I rephrase that and say nothing beats chronic pain for putting me in a b*tch of a mood?

Today, I am not loving life.  And I feel bad for that.  Bad, sad, spoilt and brattish.  I want to give myself a slap! And say snap out of it, lady!  Life ain't so bad, particularly in the Western World!  But do you know what?  A lot of my tried and tested methods for feeling better are simply NOT WORKING.

When I texted my lard-busting gal pal, she replied, "It's OK to be angry.  About everything. xxx"  That made me feel better. Momentarily.

It's as if a part of me is shouting, like an American coach, "I want results, people, results!"  And the rest of me is saying but we're working as hard as we can!

Here's the thing:

I have taken the maximum dosage of painkillers and they are not even touching it (the pain, that is). My pain laughs in the face of heavy-duty drugs.  And then some.

I've been doing this hardcore diet and the scales are NOT shifting.  Not one single ounce.  There I was, blithely saying that I'd be happy with 11 stone (BMI 25, on the nose) for the surgery.  The surgery was not 100% definite but it is now.  But guess what? In almost a week, I have lost...NOTHING. Nada.

The other thing that pain does is make me super resentful.  Of everyone.  Of everything.  Particularly about the things that I want (can you hear the feet stamping - just like a spoilt child) but can't seem to have/get/achieve...blah blah blah.

If you've seen Sex and the City, you'll know it's moments like watching your friends get a partner/hot date/get hitched/get pregnant/get a dream job.  You WANT to be happy for them but there's a part of you that says, "why not me?" and "Why isn't it ever enough? (sub-text, why aren't I enough?)."

When I am not in this hormone hellhole, I am like a different person.  I've worked really hard to be as true to my true self (or as the psychologists like to say, my authentic self) as possible.  I wish health, wealth (not purely monetary) and happiness to people I encounter.  I try to educate myself about being a better person because, as Ms Winfrey says, when you know better, you do better.  For yourself,  for your loved ones, for peoplekind.   (And animals, in my case!)

So you get the picture.  But once the hormones have taken up residence, rioting in my body, I am friend to no one, least of all myself.  And rational thinking has made a swift exit.

Anyway, anyway, however angry this post sounds (and I confess, it really does!), I want to end on something positive.  Refuse to Regain's latest entry talks about Martha Beck's take on being/having enough.  It's sooooo relevant to those of us who despair along the weight-loss way.  I urge you to read what the maintenance guru has to say.

I also really like Martha Beck (not related to the other Beck in my life - Dr Judith Beck!) and I really like 

O' Magazine.  I've just found the original article, entitled, When and How to Say "Enough!"  Again, it's really worth reading.  Martha Beck's suggested exercises could really help when the moments of despair (and rage) seem stronger than anything else.  See how you get on...

The best way to effect this shift is to use these simple exercises:
1. List 10 times you thought that there wouldn't be enough of something and you survived.
2. List 10 areas where you have too much, not too little.
3. List 20—or 50, or 1,000—wonderful things that entered your life just at the right time, with no effort on your part. Start with the little things (oxygen, sunlight, a song on the radio). You'll soon think of bigger ones. Most of my clients realize that the most important things in their lives showed up this way. 

So,  I hope it helps.

PS I soooo wish I could get my head round TypePad's new editing tools.  Apologies for the wonky formatting...blame the hormones!

A hormone hole or is that hormone hell?

Do you remember that poem by Portia Nelson?  The one that includes the lines:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

and closes with these lines...

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Well, the thing is, I haven't fallen down the hole in that I have not eaten anything and everything BUT there is one major reason for this.  I am not within easy reach of food.  So while this is a good news (the exercising of (imposed) restraint) this is not going to be my everyday experience.  Or is it?  I've been wondering if the only way I could manage my relationship with food is to live the life of a monk, in the middle of nowhere. Seeing no one, going nowhere and, therefore, not being tempted. Or sabotaged.  I haven't purchased the book, Refuse to Regain - yet - but I was able to look at it online at amazon.  I am pretty sure one of the chapters is called...Expect sabotage!

Anyway, I am still in my hormone hell (the time of the month when sugar feels like a must).  It's painful and debilitating (not the fact that I'm craving sugar!).  And I'm on a downer about the physical pain.  So while I have indeed avoided the hole, I feel as if I am in an even bigger one.  I had a surreal experience on Sunday; the Observer Food Magazine ran an article (illustrated with stunning photographs) about The Hummingbird Bakery because it's just published its own recipe book.  Trust me, this is not something you want to look at when one cupcake simply isn't enough.  It wouldn't even be a starter portion!  You know those moments.

I thought to myself, if I were in London, right now, I'd be hotfooting down to a branch.  Immediately, if not sooner.  And purchasing a slab of their Red Velvet cake.  NOT the cupcake version.  The triple-layered monster of a cake.  And I'd be buying seconds for later!

I have deliberately kept this post sabotage-free - hence no photos of the wonder that is...Red Velvet.  

Farm Stay UK - Graves, Grannies and the Great North Run - Part IV

For a city girl (I do still think of myself as an urbanite), I seem have spent a lot of time in the countryside. And I have really enjoyed it.  It's made me appreciate England (since that's where I have been travelling) in a new way.

In these credit crunch times, more of us may be choosing to 'holiday at home' - not the staycation kind where you really do stay at home - but choosing not to jump on a plane to somewhere sunnier.  Or cheaper.

When we stayed in the North East, we were looking for a B&B and found Wydon Farm.  It hadn't occurred to us to stay on a working farm but as part of the Farm Stay UK initiative, it's all about having  a different experience.  Well, we had a great time.  The proprietors were so friendly and the food was...farm fresh (and free range!).

The farmhouse

Spring lambs

I broke abstinence at Wydon Farm for some scrambled eggs.  They were divine!  And totally worth it.

The Plum Pudding Pig

Lesley asked me if it was bad that when she saw these little piggies, she started drooling and thinking of bacon...

My answer, on this occasion, is...no!  Because these piggies have the very best life.  I am sure Lesley just meant it from a person watching their weight perspective!  Anyway, I had an amazing experience recently; I visited an organic smallholding.  The owners are just starting out in their enterprise but I really did feel as if I were part of a TV documentary featuring people who were living the(ir) dream.  And what a dream!

In this idyllic spot:

the pigs can live a life that they were meant to.  The long-term plan is to let them rootle around in the orchard.  

Anyway, these gorgeous girls are Oxford Sandy and Black pigs, also known as Plum Pudding pigs!  They were really difficult to photograph but sooooo cute!  It made me think about what an idyllic life it would be (hard, hard work, of course) but having your own land, being your own boss and producing your own food! I don't eat pigs but, if I did, this is exactly the way that the meat should be produced.  It's such a contrast to the majority of pigs' lives.

Enjoy these shots, particularly of the three little piggies!

They were a little bit timid...until dinner arrived...

Finally, I found this amazing website/blog - Emma's Pigs - and I really liked it.  More piggy heaven.  Of course, there is rare breed pig champion (as in vocal supporter!) and welfare campaigner, Jimmy Doherty, who brought the reality of raising these lovely creatures to our screens.   

If you are going to enjoy your bacon, why not ensure that the pig has had a lovely life?