Warning...this is long (so apologies)
So, New Jersey was a wash out and our Sopranos tour cannot be rescheduled, which is a great pity as I don’t know when we will be back to visit NYC. This trip was to make up for the very bad experience we had last time (we argued our way around Manhattan, providing street theatre for free). And now we are having a great time but the weather is having an impact, however hard we try to ensure that it doesn’t.
Heavy rain puts a completely different spin on everything. If it’s cold, you can wrap up, buy more clothes and venture out. If it’s raining and you want to walk in the park, you can – you just get waterproofs and wellingtons (now out in abundance but probably through necessity rather than purely for fashion). But if it’s raining and you want to visit different places, it presents a challenge because however hard you avoid getting wet, you’ll just be cold and damp.
So when we got back from the abandoned tour, we stayed in our room for a few hours. I learnt how to load photos to the blog (very useful but it’s early days with some amateur efforts) and my hubby read. I think I mentioned that our step count would be woefully low.
Ultimately, though, my husband wanted to get out again; he gets cabin fever after just a few hours so we discussed what we could do and where we could go. Even going to the cinema was going to be a military operation. So we opted for our local (again!) and then we talked about my husband having pizza. I know he really wanted to try our local pizzeria (and when we checked it out, it happens to be one of the top 10 in NYC) but he also knows that it was the one food I had asked him NOT to have, if possible, because it really is my weakness. We checked out their menu and they also offered cannoli so maybe it was a sign that we had to order from there. I psyched myself up and said, look, if you really want to, go ahead and order pizza because, I rationalised, I’m not just doing LighterLife to lose weight in the short term, I’m doing it to get a handle on food and being around food without wanting to consume everything I see.
There were two things going on in my mind – I wanted to test myself (I can still hear my counsellor saying those immortal words “you’ll experience a hunger like no other”) AND yes, I wanted to eat some pizza. I told myself and my husband that, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be able to eat very much anyway and it was important that my diet did not ruin his holiday. When I think about it now, this all seems like addictive behaviour coming out big time. But I also wanted to look back (as Cath and Lesley suggested) and not regret doing or not doing certain things on this holiday. And one meal – in the great scheme of things – is not going to ruin everything (if I don’t let it) but IF I make it a big issue, I will regret that – now and in the future. I need to lighten up!! The New York angst is getting to me!
We went to the Irish bar and my husband ordered chips (French Fries). I had two and stopped because I thought, no, I must exercise some control here and I want to try the pizza and cannoli later. I have seen friends behave like this; exert self-control in a way that I have never been able to nor have wanted to (but now understand a bit more about the different ego states so probably it was my rebellious child all along). It felt so strange to a) say no to any more and b) sit there and not feel deprived. I can’t say it felt good or bad, just different.
We then went to the pizzeria and ordered take out. We had quite a heated discussion about it because my husband wanted pepperoni and sausage on his pizza (which I don’t eat) and I wanted to try a slice without those things. In the end, we ordered a pizza with two halves. And guess what? They had run out of cannoli so my hubby ordered cheesecake instead. I am destined not to sample cannoli.
When we got back to the room, I really was like a woman possessed. I just wanted to eat that pizza. Now.
So I ate the first slice and really tried to savour every mouthful (very much in the Paul McKenna school of eating). I then waited to see if that was enough and then ate another slice and my husband said, “that’s enough, I don’t want you to ruin all your hard work”. But it wasn’t enough. I sat there thinking about it and feeling slightly cheated. I wanted to eat more. In the end, I said to him that I would like to eat half another slice and that would be it. He looked at me with such disappointment and I felt momentarily embarrassed but carried on anyway. I had that extra half a slice and bingo! It was enough. I thoroughly enjoyed it and then walked away. I wasn’t full but I had eaten enough; anymore would have been greedy but I can honestly say that in my whole adult life I have NEVER been able to stop at two and a half slices. Last night I ate about a quarter of a pizza; usually, I can eat a whole one by myself and feel completely and utterly stuffed after about half but carry on to the end.
After we had eaten (my husband offered me about half a teaspoon of cheesecake), I didn’t think about the food too much. I wondered (and slightly worried) whether this would take me out of ketosis and whether I would wake up feeling hungrier than ever AND thinking about food.
Well, the good news is, as of Monday morning – neither happened. I am still in ketosis, food was not my first thought upon waking and so (I really hope I don’t regret last night in the long run) I hope that I can say I faced my fear!
In the longer run, when we have all finished abstinence and management, we are going to have to live in the world of food and be comfortable around it. My plan was always to get through 100 days of abstinence as best I could. And until I came to New York, I had done that (with the exception of a several cups of tea).
We have now “done” a diner and a pizza so I feel I should relax about being on holiday and not be obsessed. More than anything, it was a massive fear – which I felt - that I would not be able to control myself in these two situations. I have read tales and heard stories of people who were on LighterLife and who were destroyed by a crisp or a roast potato. That scared me enough not to trust myself and because this is the first diet that really is working for me, I was afraid to deviate because, let’s face it, going into ketosis is pretty hideous. When I look back, my body was in shock – big time. And it went on for weeks. So I certainly didn’t want to pay the price of having to do it all over again.
The one major difference that being here has made to me is having energy. I felt constantly tired at home and everything was an effort. I wanted to join a gym but knew it would be a case of walking to the gym, going inside, getting changed and then having to come home again because that alone would have worn me out! With all the walking we have done, I genuinely feel fired up to go home and exercise. This is fantastic news because I have read other people’s blogs and thought “how have they got the energy?!”. The only thing I have to be careful about is overheating while exercising (the condition I have is exacerbated by exercise, ironically). But I really do feel so positive. Maybe I have been liberated by a pizza!!
Today will be really quite easy for me to stick to the packs because we are going to the museums (the rain is so heavy and relentless) and then I am having a facial. Our walking will be limited but I am going to go for a swim at some point (it’s 7.30 am as I write). I feel relieved about this because it means I can go back into abstinence and not worry about where we will be eating today and what decisions do I have to make.
I’ll let you know how I get on. Hope everyone had a good weekend. xxx
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