The Lard Arms

'Real Life' On Hold

The nomadic existence continues and continues to take its toll.

I realise some people really thrive on being in different places at different times - have suitcase, can travel - while I, however much I fantasise about my dream life, most definitely do not.

It takes me a long time to get settled and into a new routine and routine is the absolute cornerstone of weight loss and weight maintenance.  Well, it is for me.

So no long-term routine = no weight loss/weight maintenance out of the window ie weight gain!

There are lots of things going on right now that I just can't blog about - too painful to be honest.  BUT I am still reading everyone's updates and remain amazed and impressed from afar!

Keep going and thanks for lovely messages of support.

"You've Got To Find Your Own Rhythm" (Written at 1am, Sunday)

That, apparently and according to my husband, is the key to working full-time in the capital with a commute.

Well, one week in and one weekend under my belt and I definitely have NOT found my rhythm.

This week everything seems to have been affected - adversely - my sleeping patterns (not sleeping enough), my weight - up and down with a 6lb swing, my energy - sustained by sugar, fat AND salt and, most of all, my relationship with my husband. Let's say it has been severely tested this week - many,many times.

It doesn't help that we both started jobs on the same day. It doesn't help that, for the second week running, we are packing for work AND for being away (from home). This brings its own domestic challenges such as having to put our rubbish out a day early, getting all the washing done at the weekend, having food for the weekend but not for the week. Blah blah blah. Not to mention the garden and the allotment.

Admittedly, we hotfooted it down to the West Country for...less than 24 hours to pick up some deliveries (we're not at home anymore so my mother is standing by) and to see the dog. Yes, since the dog cannot be with us, we are bringing ourselves to her. I am afraid I just cried when I sat with her. But needs must.

Ironically, my husband likes to remind me that this time last year - when he first went away - I cried down the phone and said I missed the dog (and not him). But, as I tried to explain, there is NO point in getting upset and hoping that we can be together (as a married couple) - we can't and that's that. With the dog, I am still hopeful, in the longer term, of a solution. In the shorter term, she is staying with my mother and having a ball.

Food-wise things are...mixed. My husband asked me how things were this week and I realise that my last post seemed full of despair. Well, the stats haven't changed but I have noticed the same old triggers.

My hormones - day one of the job coincided with day one of something else! So this week, I was hormonally challenged shall we say.

Tiredness - I can say that 80% of the off-piste eating was due to tiredness; this included a fast-food takeaway eaten on a train (I know, I know) on Thursday night. In fact - that episode had it all going on - tiredness, emotion, hunger, with a touch of loneliness thrown in.

Overwhelmed (feeling) - if it isn't tiredness, it's this one; in every sense, my whole system has been overwhelmed this week. By the volume of information I have had to absorb, by the travel, by the staying up late and then not sleeping and the need to sparkle at work.

I know one thing for sure - I've got to find a diet (as in way of eating) that is going to enable me to function at such a high and intense level for sustained periods of time. My job and my commute require one essential ingredient - stamina. And I definitely don't have that right now.

The Sunday-night insomnia has got to stop too; for example, it's 12.45am and I am getting up at 5am. I've also got a new member of the team starting who will be a direct report (to me). So it's ANOTHER change. With uncertainty thrown in.

And that's a massive, if not the most significant, trigger for me. I am change-phobic at the best of times; if the change is unclear, the internal panic button gets pressed. Permanently.

So, the challenge is to manage myself and my time because, right now, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And using food to cope with all of this is NOT the answer.

Page Two of a New Chapter

Food-wise the first two days at work were as chaotic as my self-organisational skills.

First things first - I ate a carb-loaded meal on Sunday night, with wine, followed by a sugary snack because even though I had planned to go to bed, it dawned on me that I would wake up to a chaotic kitchen and since we were leaving at 6.45, I had to stay up late and do it. I went to bed tired and woke up tired.

I also weighed in - on my first day of my new job of my new life - at my heaviest this year. 12 stone 6 lbs. F**k.

I remember going to my first interview for this job, desperate, I think to get back down to 11 or 11 and a half. Whichever way you looked at it, this was at least a stone heavier.

And I'll be honest. I am really feeling the difference in the extra weight - and it's true, it's affecting my whole demeanour. And not in a good way.

It meant clothes are now tight. And look it. Or they don't fit at all.

My day one journey into London was a mixed bag and it's not my normal route but I had plenty of time to kill so I tried out my potential bike route (on foot). By the time I had got half way across the capital, I was SO hungry so found a new shop called CRUSSH and ordered porridge with banana and honey.

When I got near the office, I had a coffee from Cafe Nero.

Day one, as a friend predicted, meant lunch out - and not a sandwich either. It was a sit down lunch with wine. In many ways, I ate that lunch..."perfectly". I was conscious of every mouthful, didn't eat the entire meal (yes, deliberately left food on plate), drank loads of water and had about 1.5 glasses of wine. I was UBER conscious that I had to make a good impression with the new team. And I really don't want to make a big deal of my weight or my current situation. And unlike the call centre, this is not the place (within the office) to be mixing up a shake or a soup if I go back on packs.

Supper was half a pizza and some salad (after the row) with a beer. SOOOOO not a good food choice but it was down to my husband who sorted the evening meal. I could easily have gone to bed having not eaten again that day.

Day 2 was even more chaotic. I had a cup of tea and a bar at home - I got up at 5.45am. I started with a latte at the station (7am). We had our team meeting in a coffee bar when I had another latte AND an almond croissant. This was about 9.45am and I was SO tired and SO craving sugar (hormones, hormones, hormones). It was a stupid choice, I now realise because...by lunchtime (1.45pm) I was ravenous. I eventually ordered an egg mayonnaise baguette (I usually hate baguettes) because they had run out of bread and boiled eggs. I ate half of it out of hunger but mainly because by this time I really was feeling overwhelmed. The other half remained in my bag. I sat in a small park - just to let my brain have a rest. And I was trying to calm myself down with food. I don't remember being this exhausted by day 2 at the call centre.

Later on in the office there was birthday cake. I said yes.

I had said yes but really I wanted to say no. But I thought I should say yes. But nobody cared. And these are strategies that I need to adopt. Now. Birthday cake in the office just has to be a no-no. Not a maybe - even if my hormones are shouting for sugar. It just have to tell myself that I do not eat cake at work. End of.

By the evening I was back on track with packs and water and copious amounts of tea (I am staying with a lovely friend - more later - for two nights).

Day 3 is going to be better. I can be abstinent all day and at lunchtime I can just nip out and have my bar somewhere quiet. I weighed in at 12 stone 2 this morning.

The thing is, in 'real' life I can have cake. Of course, I can. BUT if I want to maintain a normal BMI, I have to plan for cake and compensate for it elsewhere. When I weighed in at the beginning of the week, I was almost three stone heavier than last year.

For so many reasons, I do not want to be this weight. And I am going to have to address the weight loss with a multi-pronged approach - the head stuff to ensure that I don't eat my way through or around my feelings, the physical stuff to ensure that the weight doesn't creep on, even if I am eating the same amount and and all round reality check that eating food apart from physical hunger has undesired consequences.

I know it. But now I have to put it into practice.

Off to Bedfordshire...

I remember that phrase from Bridget Jones the movie, just before she heads to bed.

And that's me. A new start for tomorrow - an early one at that - means I need to head upstairs. Soon. The diet has gone out of the window in that I have had a few meals, when I had planned to abstain completely. I've also had a few drinks, too. Nothing too excessive but again, NOT part of the game plan!

So, it's time for the checklist to make tomorrow go as smoothly as possible:

1. Ticket - already purchased yesterday. I am, officially, a commuter - for a month, at least! Check.

2. Handbag - purse, diary, notebook, pen, mascara, lip gloss (that's my total make-up!), mobile phone (fully charged and with the alarm set on early, early, early!), keys, personal mug, a couple of desk items to communicate my new personal brand (fun and approachable but not cutesy), tissues, a new book - Ronnie Wood's autobiography (it was lying around!), train timetable. Check, check, check.

3. The official stuff -bank details, passport, utility bill and my P45. Check.

Oh my God! This is it. This is real. When I started my weightloss journey, I promise you I never thought this would be an outcome! I have not worked in an office in London for 10 years. And it feels SO different to temping!

Back To Basics. Again.

Have just come back from my LighterLife management group. We had two new people in the group, so we did the usual tips and advice for Route to Management starters.

I met a fellow LighterLifer on the tube and straightaway she asked me all about my weight, what was I doing, did I have it under control or had I put on? And before I even told her an answer, she said, what do you think you've put on? Two stone? Blimey.

I found the whole thing a bit too much to be honest. But but but that's only because I really know, deep down, that for the next few years, I need to pay that level of attention to my weight. End of.

Yes, I eat for all sorts of reasons OTHER THAN hunger but my weight is an indication of whether things are balanced or not. Simple as.

I really struggled in the group tonight because it really was back to basics. I love the sessions when it's all about the emotional stuff but guess what? I really need the basics. I really needed that class. And I really needed my fellow LighterLifer to remind me what weight MAINTENANCE is all about.

And, I'll be honest, I am pretty much in awe of that person's achievements. She has done amazingly well. I guess I am slightly jealous (but not in a nasty way towards her personally). Does that make me a bad person?!

I was also slightly chippy (not chipper!) because I am SOOOOOO angry with myself. I weighed 12 stone and 3/4 of a pound this morning and on my Counsellor's scales I was 12 stone 1 lb. It wasn't the difference that made me angry - it was the fact that when I looked at my book, I can see that I weighed 10 stone 12 in February and then hit 12 stone 1 by mid-April (just post-miscarriage). I managed to bring that down to 11 stone 8 a couple of times before going back up to 12 stone 1lb towards the end of May (job interview stuff I think), hitting my highest this year of 12 stone 2lbs by the end of May. I brought it back down to 11 stone 11 before going back up again.

What have I been thinking all this time? Was I not paying attention? Ironically, my tube chum reminded me I have had a lot going on. But life is always going to be like that, isn't it? Life will always throw curve balls; I can't use that as an excuse to put on at least 30 lbs when the going gets rough!

So, I am just utterly utterly frustrated. Frustrated at having to do it all over again. Frustrated at having to think about a new plan. Again.

This is where the cycle of change comes in; it's when you go round and round, picking yourself up out of the same holes until you 'get it', until you realise that doing X, Y or Z is not a good idea.

I think I am having the equivalent of a weight-loss tantrum. Why, oh why, did I let it get so out of control?!

A New Chapter

So, as I said, I got the job!

BUT instead of filling me with joy and happiness, I felt anxiety on new, deeper levels.

I drove my nearest and dearest mad as I just kept bursting into tears and worrying. I didn't make a decision straightaway - I had an interview for a temporary position nearby - for A LOT more money but without the certainty of a permanent role. The recruitment consultant was a complete nightmare - so pushy and so churlish. I had to speak to my own regular temporary manager (when I worked at the call centre) for guidance - it was a different recruitment firm, in the nearest big town.

In many ways I was torn - which job should I take but, having said that, I never got a firm offer on the temporary role - just lots of hints from their HR department via the recruitment consultant that I just had to show my hand first. And that's when I had to really try to tune into my instinct - which had run away, just when I needed it - to find out what was the best thing to do. After all, the temporary job was a commute of just over an hour versus a commute of more than two. It was an area that I am not particularly interested in but I know my subject matter and could do the job. But I really would only be doing THAT job (the temporary one) for the money. The job I have taken could really be amazing but obviously after my hideous interview situation, I couldn't be sure!

Anyway, in the end, I had to make a decision constricted by time. So I jumped into the deep end and committed to the permanent role.

But the price is very, very high and here's why:

1) The commute - as I have said, it's going to easily be 5 hours per day, once I've included the putting on my coat and packing my bags factor! I have never been a commuter - only within London - and funnily enough, if I lived where I used to live, I would have serious reservations about having to cross the capital for a job. Well, I've just doubled that - just for the hell of it!

2) The cost of the commute - we're talking thousands of pounds!

3) The reality of the commute - I will be leaving the house no later than 7am and, if I need to be at my desk for 9am, I'll be leaving the house at...oh, 6.20 am. If I then am very strict and leave at 5pm, I will be at home for 7.40pm. So, if I want 8 hours sleep, I'll be going to bed no later than 10pm. Just so I can get up before 6am and start all over again!

And this is where the fun really begins - the husband and the dog won't be here.

First - the hound! It simply would not be fair on her to leave her - even if I got a dog walker sorted. It's just too long. Sadly, my dog sitting back up situation fell through. I could take her to a dog sitter but that would cost me £100 per week, minimum. Believe me, I have looked into it.

Second - the husband. He has changed jobs. But he's in the same line of work but, this time, with a guarantee of a posting ie away. So, Monday - Friday, he won't be here either. Occasionally, he may be able to work from home on a Friday.

After last summer's hideousness of Sunday night binges through sheer desperation, this just isn't ideal.

4) Home Life - there are no two ways about it - this is not going to make home life easy. Not at all. And, truth be told, I still haven't given up on trying to have a family. In fact, of late, I've been thinking how much I loved having the lodger here, my mum and the dogs and my husband. I liked the camaraderie of having a full house. If I think about it, my new reality couldn't be further away from my ideal life.

My husband and I discovered that we didn't really like being apart, in spite of arguing so much when we are together!

It has made me question our move here; what is the point, I thought, of having completely rebuilt this house, only to not be here - not really - for most of the time. Hmmm.

5) Flexibility - this job was initially presented to me as a work from home two days a week, come into London for the other three. How perfect would that have been? 100 per cent. Well, if it had been on this side of London, THEN it would have been perfect! But as the interview process went on (I had a total of three interviews), it was clear that their idea of flexible working isn't mine. Before I accepted finally, I asked them to clarify this. But I just wasn't assertive enough to say - this could be a deal breaker - if I don't get this written into my contract. One of my closest friends advised me that they would never do this as it would be a licence to part-time work!! But I ran my business from home and when necessary, I worked extremely hard.

Anyway, the tears continued. The constant anxiety continued. I bored my friends rigid - well, I didn't - I just got hysterical/tearful and frustrated them instead! One friend said that she believed the tears were grief-based - that I was grieving for the life that I really wanted (family, at home, working without a hideous commute - blah blah blah) and facing up to what I really had right now.

In the meantime, I thought you would like to see my goals sheet from my very first LighterLife session ie the reason I started this VLCD malarkey in the first place. Apologies for the poor drawings but basically it represents me, my husband, our remodelled house (by then we hadn't even got planning permission), the dog (of course) and a car. And, bizarrely, I made of point of writing HIGH HEELS; clearly I equated heels with slim-ness!

Right now, I feel I am further away from this picture than ever before. Hmmmmm.

An Uphill Trend - of the WRONG kind

I jumped on my own scales. 12 stone 5 lbs.

I'll be honest - every fibre of my being says lose the weight slowly. But my head says I am not prepared to wait for months and months to lose - as a minimum - two stone. Even though it has taken qute a long time to put on the weight overall.

I had already advised my husband that abstinence - my own style - may make a guest appearance between now and Monday and after the revelation today, it's a must. I still have my last few packs, that I carried around with me all week. Just in case.

Well, the time is now. And maybe it's no bad thing because, otherwise, I think I would just want to eat my way through the next few days.

Crisis of Confidence

So, we are back home!

And it was back to reality with a massive bump. First things first. My lovely friend, Mrs Jupiter, has given birth very, very prematurely. Like...three months early - well, 28 weeks to be precise. She is far away from family and friends. So, I hope you don't mind but I am going to ask you all to conjure up positive thoughts for her, her husband and, of course, her baby.

I got an email from her this afternoon and, in typical fashion, it was full of concern about others. She is very much on my mind so, even though you don't know her - personally - she's a girl who has overcome the big 'c', she understands all about our battles with food so please just think lovely, positive thoughts for my faraway friend.

Second, and believe me, it's a long way down the list - is my work news. I got the job. You know, the job I found out about...oooh, months ago before the recruitment process even started! The job (and interview) I felt I had fluffed and almost pulled out of before they could dump me! Lesley alluded to it in her comments so it's time to update the blog!

I'll save the ridiculous drama details for another post BUT I start on Monday. My husband is also starting HIS new job on Monday. How did we work that one out? Believe me, it was so NOT how we planned it - in fact, it was the opposite. My husband's fears for his new job have been totally and utterly eclipsed by my own fear and paranoia so I think he is feeling a tad marginalised!

Ironically, I shall be starting a commute (and Peridot's comments about commuting and acceptance were SOOO timely!) that will eat up almost 5 hours PER DAY - yes, per day - of my time. Let's not even go there!

Third - I nearly closed down the blog! Yes, I really did. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of failure about dieting/weight loss. I began to feel that it really served no purpose at all apart from my online whingeing and whining. One of the reasons I began this blog was because I couldn't really find anything about life AFTER a VLCD. All the blogs stopped at the critical moment ie when they hit those really low BMI figures! So it was utterly gratifying to have a comment from a new reader. It really made my day. Thank you, Emma.

Fourth - I had the long goodbye with the hound. My husband told my mother that there would be tears on the motorway! Well, of course, there weren't; there were car sweets instead! Go figure!

The mortgage - or, to be more precise, remortgage. Let's just say our bank - which boasts amazing customer service - has completely and utterly messed up our remortgage application. We came home a day early to sort out the paperwork to meet our August 1st deadline. Was the paperwork here when we got back? You already know the answer! In the great scheme of things, it SOOOO doesn't matter but it's amazing how these small things have such A BIG IMPACT!

And finally, I don't mean to be gloomy but I have been obsessed by death. My husband started his holiday with the friend's wife's funeral, which was heartbreaking. Then, much loved friends have been worried about their own parents' future. Porkchop's father-in-law has survived his triple bypass operation but her parents' best friend has been given less than a year to live. And she is a victim of the NHS postcode lottery funding. I don't understand it but there are drugs that could help her but...the funding authority isn't digging deep. My mother's neighbour has just survived a life-threatening incident. Her life, literally, hung in the balance. This time of year is full of bereavement anniversaries, too, which makes it (the thoughts about mortality) all the much harder to bear. We played some music on the way home and I just found myself sobbing. A lot.

So, what would have been the good thing to have done in the midst of all of this? Go easy on the food. What did we do? We drank far too many beers when we got home (we are a total no drink and drive household), went to our local and then had a Chinese takeaway. Errr. Hello?!?!? No sympathy vote needed. I am just thoroughly p**ved with myself.

PS - we have sky+. It's fantastic. I was looking forward to all the things that it will have taped. Except my husband turned it off. Aaggghhh! xxx

The Scales Just Confirmed What I Already Knew

Well, I decided, AGAIN, that knowledge = power and stepped on the scales. These are my mother's scales and they are, apparently, fairly accurate.

At first, the weight came up in pounds - all 171 of them - and I was busy trying to calculate just HOW much weight I had put on. At one point, I was freaking out thinking I cannot be 14 stone something. Surely?

Then I turned the scales over and switched the measure to stones. I've crossed back into the 12 zone - 12 stone 3lbs to be precise.

Now, I want to be really clear here, I have worked really hard - mentally - to lose the attachment to the number on the scales (which then dictates my day, my self-esteem...blah blah blah). For me, the scales give information but, of course, I was too afraid to look before now (we have been here since Sunday). What took me so long? I already knew the answer, didn't I? I could feel it. I can see it. Those extra pounds aren't hiding somewhere about my person in a discreet manner. Oh no! They are VERY visible.

My LighterLife Counsellor has taught me to identify these moments as an opportunity to find out what's REALLY going on. And while some of the extra weight is definitely due to a vacation (in ALL senses of the word), I know that, inside, I am in turmoil. And I have gone from not finding food a comfort at all (it was not calming my nerves at all) to very much using it to numb what I am feeling right now.

Of course, a plan IS needed. But a sensible plan. I'll be back later with an update.

My kind of picnic

Now this is what I call a picnic in London! Something for all the LighterLifers to enjoy - vicariously.

This is a fabulous dining experience.

Bon Appetit!